To those who have stood by my side
Who chose not to walk out the door
Fueling and enduring my whacky ride
Who knows what left we have in store

I'd like to begin with a big thank you
A loving hug and even a kiss too
You guys are my brick wall
Keeping my structure standing tall

Even when you're not around
You've kept my feet on the ground
Either you've all kept me sane
Or maybe together we're all going insane

But no matter how my journey ends
Remember forever we are the best of friends
Even through all the insanity
You are all still my family

Not myself
I've never known that
Too many scars
Sifting through
Emotions
Pains
My
Eyes

See the world
But not the world
Seeing what I want
Ignoring what doesn't
For my my reality
That's the reality of
A past that was only
My life
All I knew
Is all I became

I wanted, sweetness
A part of me that I couldn't find
And thought lost

Thought gone forever
Unattainable, all my dreams
Crushed beneath my mother's
Jackbooted high heels

I carried this through my life
Not to use, but be used
Love, not beloved
And everything suffered
Husbands, children, friends
I tortured them all
Whipping them
With a reality
Only my own
Trying to impose it
To make it real for them
Force them to see
Why I was so damaged

And maybe,
I reached to them
How I wanted to be understood
When they saw me for
Who I wanted to be
Rather than just my scars

Pity,
What I wanted was pity,
Unspoken and vehemently denied
Always the victim
Of the world, of others
So unkind, this internal
Screaming, but silent
Defender of mine
Making me the victim
Again and again

Driving forces
An unmet sister of my soul
The mirror, mine
Showing me hope
By bringing up my past
Reliving all the pain
But giving perspective
I had never held before

She is saving herself
Healing, with a husband's
Sometimes less than gentle hands
On her shoulders, around her waist
Holding her high and giving her ground
Becoming an anchor
A port in the storm
And I heal, through her
Patching scars, and
Giving return
Vanishing the lingering doubts
Rebuilding hope against fears

For a moment, just one
I found the world
It's bustle and pace
Less scary
Just knowing
My mirror
Was out there
Looking back at me
And maybe,
I give her hope

Returning
This precarious,
Precious gift

elongate the hair strands, comb it downward to enhance its lengthening,
humour it with red, autumn colour
make it beautiful

multiply the diameter of my eyes
enlarge their oval spans,
darken & thicken the lashes that adorn the pupils & irises
make them beautiful

shrink the nose, straighten out its flawed slant
carve out the dead skin cells that reside in these pores
cleanse, make whole & alive
make it beautiful

white pearls for teeth, collect the stones from the sea, the clams in the bucket, saved just for me
for I have always wanted an enticing smile
redden my lips & tell me to pout
so the kissful temptations will surely start
make that beautiful

plant my bosoms in the soil & water them so they may blossom upon my fruitless chest
or better yet
toss them & roll them in flour
sugarcoat the skin
& cover my heart again with the ****** flesh you molded
make them beautiful

take this waist & spin it like a top,
watch the extraneous float off like air
skim shave settle once the slim figurine I desire is real before you
make that beautiful

these thighs are indescribable
charlatans, at a price
not for sale, but for myself
they weigh in differently at the times & places & ways that they either belong or stand without a name
make them beautiful

don't forget to look into my window blues,
gaze at me in a trance
because I don't really mind if they're from before or after this transformation
you are what the sun is to roses & what rain is to their roots
& when I kneel down to water her petals, red white pink
you whisper to me,
"make them beautiful"

-cj