i realized you didn’t care for me at 1:21 pm on a tuesday afternoon.
i realized that i couldn't change it at 1:22.
by the time 1:24 rolled around, i was in shambles,
completely distraught,
and spiraling into the comfort of the darkness
i called my friend once upon a time.
this darkness has a cunning smile and sharp eyes
that make me feel at home.
the darkness is like being welcomed into your home by the smell of freshly baked cookies
but then quickly noticing that the smell you're smelling isn't cookies,
it's your kitchen up in flames-
there just happened to be cookies in the oven.

i want you to remember every detail of me.
i want my lips to linger in your thoughts long after our last kiss.
i want the faint remnants of my scent to waft in your clothes.
i want you to be driven crazy by all the places we've been to
and all the people we met
and all the things we saw together.
i want the glimmer in my eyes to wake you up
in the middle of the night-
i want you to wish it was me you were with in the wee hours of the night.
when you're with some other girl whose skinnier and has clearer skin than me,
i want you to hear my words and
my laugh escape her lips
when you think of kissing her goodnight.
**i want you to think of me.
i want you to miss me.

2:35 am
i am past the point of sleep deprivation.
all i want is you.
tears well up in my eyes then get absorbed like the oceanic tide.
i wonder how you feel.
some say “he doesn't care”
other say “he wouldn't wan to see you cry”.
what is the truth?
only you can tell me, but since that’s the case, i guess i'll never know.

2:39 am
music plays.
a subtle breeze blows past my window and i don't hear a thing.
i'm finally alone with my thoughts-
something i didn't want.
these aren't even my thoughts anymore since it's just images of the past. flashbacks of us… no words, no noise, just shattered remains of us
scooting through my mind in the early hours.

"TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BABY"

2:44 am
sometimes i can feel your lips on mine,
that's what keeps me awake at night.
the hope that i will be able to experience that again.
our last kiss wasn't an experience, though.
our lips touched but there was no spark.
well in my eyes there was-
but by that time,
yours was long gone.

"SHE COULD BE YOURS FOREVER BUT, BABY, TONIGHT YOU'RE MINE"

2:48 am
i remember the first day we met,
over eight months ago.
my feelings are the exact same- conflicted, puzzled, anxious, lustful.
nothing in particular makes me want you.
its the combination of everything.
every glimpse of who you are and what shaped you to be you
is spectacular.

"JUST LET ME KNOW WUS GOOD"

2:52 am**
a tear shimmies down my cheek onto my neck.
your lips were on my neck not too long ago.
the tickle of the tear is nothing compared to
the rough chin hair and aggressive bites
my neck had received before.
even if my neck didn't like the treatment,
i was fine with it.
i was fine with you.

it rains at 12:12 am.
the sky is crying instead of me.
you say you don't want a repeat of what happened last time you say i'm going to fall harder for you then you ever could for me.
12:15 am and the sky cries with me.
its my companion.
these aren't drops of despair and sorrow slipping down my cheeks-
their drops of clarity cleansing my skin,
ridding you from my cells
and exterminating you from my mind.
you don't deserve my heart
and i'm so sorry to myself for taking eight months to discover that
i'm sorry for wasting my time.
i'm sorry for dismissing the good guys in my life
because i was holding the space
for you.

the worst part of people dying young is the assumption.
you assume how their life would have turned out.
you assume how the relationship between you two would either blossom or wilt.
even the little details get brushed with assumption.
how would his grades look in high school?
who would his next crush be?
“he would love this band” - but would he?
you will develop your own idea of who this person is.
when people ask you about him,
you’ll answer as if he has told you himself;
but he hasn’t and he never will.
there are things you will never know about him
and you will have to learn to be okay with that.