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Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
Everyday I look for you.
I know you're gone but still...
Every class, every test, every ******* meal.
I still ask myself, "Why you?"
Can anybody answer that? Really? Who?
I die a little more each day,
waiting for you to hold me again;
to tell me you love me and for me to smile.
I know it's bee a while,
but the pain is still here.
Every song I hear, brings one more tear
to add to the collection
and more and more nostalgic seconds.
You're supposed to be here with me,
not with Marilyn and Bob Marley.
I was mad at you in the beginning,
but anger doesn't bring a happy ending.
I cried today and yesterday and the day before that...
I wonder what happened to your favorite hat.
This is terrible, i feel like ****.
Who knew this would be it?
Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
I said “No.
Not ever again. I won’t like him!
We’re just great friends.”
That worked for a bit,
until you gave me what I've wanted
since our first kiss.
You told me,
“I’d be the perfect girlfriend.”
So where is that now?
Jesus!
I’m not asking for kids!
I just want you.
You’re so much more than you think you are.
I wish you could see just how beautiful you are to me.
I treasure your dark eyes,
and the way you twirl your ***** hair when you are focused.
I love the way you laugh way too loud for a joke that isn't that funny.
I want to wake up to you every morning
and fall asleep with you every night.
Butterflies don't even describe what happens inside
when I see you.
Each time I see you with her,
my organs and arteries
contort and shift
and the gaping void inside me widens.
Each time you don't wave back,
the despair in my bones
aches and cries and moans.
When it's not me that you run to in your time of need,
I slice my heart open and watch myself bleed
until-

I can say, "You'll love me one day." for all eternity,
but until you realize that I am the one for you,
the way that I have,
they are only words.
Meaningless,
disgusting,
irrelevant.
Just like me.
Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
I want you,
only you,
all of you,
Forever with you.
I believe there’s a plan for you and I.
We’ll grow up,
move on,
then you’ll come back and “we” will be.
Maybe...
My heart throbs
When I see you laugh.
That smile is worth a thousand words
and a million songs.
Yet,
Somehow,
I cannot choose
any combination of sounds
from any of the thousands of languages
found on this one planet,
in this one galaxy,
in the billions of multiversus.
We are nothing in the cosmic perspective,
But you,
You are everything.
Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
What have I become?
I drink and I smoke,
I cry and mope,
and I **** and I poke
and loose myself in what I didn't want to be.
Just be you!
Is that so hard?
Not a ***** or a ****
or a *** or a broad.
I have loved him
the same
since the first day.
I've watched him recycle girls-
just throw them away.
I've been by his side
and that is where i will stay.
Just hoping that one day,
I'll have my way.
Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
You tell me you love me
and then we smile.
I know it’s been a while,
but the pain is still here.
Every year I shed another tear.
He told me he loved me,
I don’t quite know what that means.
He told me he loved me,
those words ring in my ears.
You love me? Oh, do you?
Well I feel the same,
but now we’ll never see each other again.
I’m sorry,
I’m sad.
You were my best friend.
I’ll love you forever and always,
Over and over again.

You’d be sixteen, hell ya it’s true.
You’d party it up-
Smoke ****,
Drink *****.
But would you? Or have I mistaken?
I will never know because you were taken
From me.
I will never get to see
what you could have been to me.
You’ll always be fourteen
and not a year older,
or two,
or three…
When people ask me about you,
I just say “Let me be!”
I can’t think of you,
I can’t and I won’t.
You make me cry and mope,
so instead of thinking of you,
I escape and I smoke.
At least for a little bit, you are dormit in my mind,
but when I come down and I start to unwind-
I have come to find
that the smoke in my lungs and the drink in my veins is
never
going to bring you back to me again.
You’re gone forever,
up in heaven, or wherever people like you go,
is where you will stay.
At least I can call you my homie
Forever and always.

*p.s. thank you for never being anything less than you and always loving me for me.
Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
“Darkness falls across the land.
The midnight hour’s close at hand.”*
Strangers creep and growl and stalk
searching for something to pluck.
A young one,
misguided,
too much makeup on
and too short shorts.
She’s vulnerable and scared,
not ready to stroke.
Her mom is gone,
her dad drinks all day long.
She doesn't listen to anyone;
not a preacher or a teacher,
or a friend or a foe.
She’s out on her own,
so cold and alone.
This is what they look for
for play.
Lana Leandoer Dec 2014
I'll call you yesterday, tomorrow, today.
Not out loud, of course,
In my mind- that's where it'll stay.
You miss me, you have to!
I'm drifting away
into this sweet nothing.
I've been here before.
It's not quite that sweet
but it keeps me less bored.
"It's you, it's you. It's all for you,
everything I do.
I tell you all the time,
Heaven is a place on Earth with you."

Your words repeat in my ears.
I can't help it but they run away
with my tears.
Every time I cry for you,
about you,
with you,
a little piece erodes away.
I want to stay,
but baby, it get's harder and harder
every day.
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