fg

the hands of the clock
raced forward so quickly
& I, well
I only wanted them to stop.
To give your hands
the leisure of a slow expedition
(from the crown of my head
to the chasm)
I would have swallowed a rain cloud
Believe me, I would (have)
*et il y aurait toujours eu de la place pour toi *

Alas, in my time,
my mind, grew thorns
& when I found no way
to do away with doors,
I fixated upon those silver paths
to your hips
(which hung around like carcasses in a wallflowers’ Sahara)
I found a note out of tune,
and paint crumbling from the ceiling.

*puisque tu n’as jamais fermé la porte,
je me suis jetée par la fenêtre!

I ran away with my resentment
Hypocrisy bred under my skin
infecting my chest cavity
& weighing it down.

I suppose I smoke now
to try & aerate my ribcage.
I'm sorry that I took off
that day in February & never returned.
(even you didn't deserve that)

Somewhere between life & death,
Somewhere between hate & love,
Lie my thoughts
I see that vast abyss in your eyes.

I cannot swallow emptiness
& no longer will choke on your cancer
I'm sorry that I no longer look at you
& that I no longer reply.

I am only trying to cut the cord
lest it tightens & suffocates me
when the tension mounts
God forbid, if I were alreay kneeling.
(I think I would surely collapse)

See now, (or maybe you don't)
all this scar tissue from former battles ?
I have now abandoned the combat
& wait patiently for your last breath.
(a war of resistance not offence)

Do not despise me for giving up,
It was your example I followed
& I saw, even Christ, perished
for the sins of others
(I want to be alive)

there’s something about those tiny teeth
decorating that infinite black canvas
drawn like a curtain at the day’s end
that enhance the chemical persuasions
I give into when yesterday calls itself today

Moonlight breeds a fleeting, false clarity
that the Sun devours ravenously by mid-day
& so my hands often hold nothing but a
pouding headache and throbbing regrets
But I can’t say I know what remorse feels like

The way things were when
sunlight started to terrorize the morning
and then eventually, the evening sky.
My chest thumped at a glacial pace.
A slow hibernating thaw.
Those days I slept quite easily
whilst my mind ran away with the time.
Taking time with clowns & thieves alike.
Sponges indeed, sponges after all.
You crept in one night, hanging moons beneath your eyes.
I had exploded.
I closed.
On the loom, black lace then white cotton.
In my room, a screaming then a humming.
Cigarettes scattered the floor like sacrifices to some distant deity.
Who must have heard my prayers.
Something about all your silence
threw blankets on my lungs
and off my bed.
In your youth,
I feel soft.
Joy, I want more
just you.
you. you. you
&

endless people in the red room,
spinning, a massive trap abloom
just spiders on acid, wrapping up their prey

the twinkling chandelier hung,
i’d like to hang about, maybe hang myself
dim the lights & let the Fools’ charade progress

glass drinks & the vapid women,
all with waists that shrink
drink, drink, they’ll skip their dinners

i’ll be choking in the corner,
hugging the wall or some nameless one
it doesn’t really matter at this point

scene bloated with endless empty words,
the hall set ablaze by this social abyss
crawling up the wall like vines with claws *

there are holes  everywhere
let me pass the hour blowing smoke rings
lest the poison I contain be spilt *

lest the walls crumble
lest the clocks tell the time
lest the song repeats

Orange peels,
an overstuffed ash-tray,
empty wrappers,
for those capsules
that wake & then
those that hypnotise.
Swallow smoke.

That bitter black drink,
keeps me confident,
that I’m alive.
My heart rattles
in its calcium cage.
Despite the voice
that beckons
“Why go on?”

The looking glass lies
I feel like holding my breath
until I burst…
I feel like wasting away.
Let me shrink
Let me fade away.
Or pass in some
spectacular manner

Orange peels,
Cigarette butts,
Missed phone calls.
***** sheets.
Trembling up to my fingertips.
A seamless motion-
hand to mouth
Always hand to mouth

These are my props,
this is my performance
in permenance.
Oh how I grow tired
Of singing the same old song.
Oh how I grow tired
of singing

do you still despise your father
because he had another woman,
& left you & your brother for her?
"oh no, now, no one will ever care"

do you still resent your mother
because she turned a blind eye
& collasped with shame when it came to light?
"oh no, I'll be more unyielding than that"

& so it is no small wonder to me
that when you gaze at  yourself
you must see the ***** that you are
you still take his money after all.

that sort of self-disgust must be
pretty hard to swallow, digest.
no wonder, you're always hungry & hollow
oh you'll consume anything he pays for

(I, myself, must admit I made the mistake of
finding an abyss inside a void)

but spaces are not always places
aches are not always pains
I loved you once

months ago,
when you left,
why did you leave
all the doors open ?

why did you not
shut the windows,
or look behind you ?
you were still welcome

I followed you, your path
until the crumbles
became so scarce
that I could go no further

I turned about & retreated
but your smoke still lingered
& your presence hung about.
the hope was suffocating

& now a draft haunts
my room, it gets cold
but I cannot bring myself
to turn the lock & shut you out

for hope, that maybe you’ll return
for fear, that you likely won’t

It comes, sneaks in
slowly, quietly.
Often at times,
I don’t even notice
its subtle arrival
‘til I’m being taken away
by waves, I know not how
or why to swim

Then I’m starring off
into the distance,
fixating on an endless crack
on the wall, it’s always there
I know I’m being occupied
by this guest of a geist
& I’d like to push you out,
keep this persistent phantom
of ugly things from taking me over

Just give me the chance to breath,
before you pull me under ?
Annonce your arrival ?
& don’t wear that mask ?
I already know your face


Don’t lie ?
oh, there is never any use
in talking to you, your rubble

Never, any
at all

When I am alone & often in the dark,
persistent questions sneak into my mind,
screaming incessantly in a quiet whisper,
Maybe I am not ready for all of this ?
Maybe I’ll fail, fall down & end up picking
shreds of broken glass from my tiny knees
for as long as clocks chime & time leaps forward

Maybe I’ll bleed & never find the right way to
hide the scars that might manifest themselves
upon my already well-travelled body.
I have so many already & they may ask
Why does she continue to leap in bounds ?
Does she not see her skin is already tarnished?

Indeed, maybe I’ll never find myself in others
Maybe I’ll never know what comfort feels like
& maybe, I’ll never have peace within
but good god, I have never said no to
anyone, anything when I felt it call my name
I have lived, have laughed & have cried
as if every moment were the first & last

I have felt as much as I am capable of
Have given myself time & time again,
Have let others feed themselves on my vulnerability
(I imagine that my affection tasted like flowers
Sweet & in full bloom, freshly cut in springtime)
I hope that they ate to their full (& never forgot the taste)

It was of no cost to me (save an ephemeral sadness)
I always seem to rise from the ashes
& so maybe I am no Fool for having hushed
those Sirens’ voices in my mind
I fell down & yet, always stood up

Maybe I will be forever unsure of many things
but I know, I have always known
that I am a lover & I shall love
It is of no sacrifice & I am no martyr
only ever, a mortal attempting flight

something ever tender,
lies in your open palm,
& all that is only delicate
hums a distant love psalm,

i had hoped you would
have eyes that smile
& skin that gives back
(only just once in a while)

& what joy, they do !
So I exhale in quiet laughter
& understand what Spring is
in this lovely rapture

Don’t open your mouth to utter
“you’re growing further away”
Don’t remind me
that the Atlantic stretched 4 miles last night,
or that Louisiana is sinking at a rapid pace

I do not care
I can only think of myself


I can see that the sun doesn’t shine at home like it does here,
How come your skin doesn’t seem as thick as mine does now?

I’m sorry but
the only thing that calls my name at night is the smell,
of that sticky sweet heavy dew that clings to the morning,
on the nights I drove when I shouldn’t have
on those nights when I learnt what regret tasted like

I want to replace that thirst
Scratch that, I don’t want to be thirsty any more

Last night, I woke up to snakes in my bed
(there were never any snakes on that island)
but at 6 am they were plenty around me
& I slithered as well.

That child was a phantom, dead
& you’ll have to pay for this
one day or another
(all that white death spilling out of its tiny mouth)
I felt, not sad, only neglected

Alas, I’ll never be the Queen of Nihilism
& I’ll probably never cross the Mississippi
but last December, I dipped my foot in her current

the water was filthy,
factories polluted the sky

but I’m trying & still I’ll try

& I am not sorry

f

salle de concert,
salle des corps transpirants & glissants
salle de semi à poil
comment tu t’appelles ?

champ de Mars,
champ des conneries & des concessions
champ de refus
tu m’avais manqué

coin de la rue,
coin de sms à la con
coin d’attente
ne m’appelle plus jamais


taxi de Paris
taxi de vulgarité
taxi de fatigue
je vous vire à cause de ces mots


taxi de St. Germain
taxi de Charonne
vous êtes lesbiennes?
taxi du vieux pervert
embrasse-moi juste une fois

nuit de jeudi
nuit de j’ai trop bu
nuit quotidienne
*j’attends demain

prickly little amoeba of a person
with no spine & skin that never molts

my passive-aggression falls flat
on dead ears, on dead eyes

this entity so empty, indifferent
nonsense eagerly conquered the front

my projections slept neatly in his vacuole
whilst i spit my repulsion on his flacid corpse

‘cause of the Itch,
you’ll say “do you want…”
& i’ll say “yes, i do”
i’d follow you anywhere
i’d follow anyone anywhere
i’d follow Alice down any hole

& ‘cause of the itch,
we’re doing our best
to reduce the amount
of planets that circle
the sun on the daily
& letting the stars sleep in

& we’ll spend Saturday,
dancing in the dark,
dripping, soaking wet
in hours of lesbian sweat
taking off our clothes
like armor, naked in battle

we’ll drink champagne
in taxis at twilight &
close the evening,
landing with not one but
two in cotton sheets
so hot, you’re so hot

& you when you wake up
do you wake up to naked
boys, still swimming in
last night’s *****?
laugh & there aren’t any ******’ problems

are they funny & clever?
do they walk in irony
towards that boite sur le quai?
do they study philosophy?
do they stare off into the distance?

do they **** **** & eat ***** ?
shove their fingers down your throat
& steal your cigarettes?
pull your hair without asking?
are they ***** like you are?

‘cause of the Itch,
are you swallowing everything alive
are you teasing death with a kiss
cheat on her with your mistress
miss Joie de vivre?

la dolce vita, i'll spit on your face
& you like it,
I know you do

spikes in my blood sugar,
in the statistics,
when you come through,
on the daily, almost…
yet I never lost any sleep,
not even a wink,
& i still dream of cannibals

we all spoke of fragile Fire,
& it made me feel
so sad
‘cause mine have
burnt out & you just
can’t reignite that ****
on demand

i hope you’ll play Lazarus
& exorcise the Phantom
i still see it when I drink
i still see you here & there

let, let go of my wrists,
which are much too heavy
I let him explore that field
& he put his heart in his ***
Fell asleep on the beach &
the grey waves are approaching
like a baby in its crib
or an old man, rather,
dead in his grave

let, let the hours melt,
bound, the one after the other
the time that his body
can’t leave any prints,
that he’d be swallowed by the sea,
I would have drank every ocean,
willingly, hands tied back
but the salt water burns my lips
just as much as my words bite back

step, step back, it’s the moment,
I leave him on the rocks,
to go sleep with the sun,
at dawn, I’ll return to eat,
**** dry his petrified ribs
Bury his bones beneath the castles
of sand that decorate & spot
the horizon of this cannibal’s feast

I am cigarettes, chocolate & cotton
The things that melt, not what freezes,
I have no patience & I won’t spare your feelings,

My skin is a canvas, it’s never empty
Bruises in water color, blood in ink,
Grace in the day, destruction at night

Selfish, megalomaniac & narcissistic
Not a shred of sympathy but empathy that’s endless
I have spent my entire life trying to get out of my body

Live outside my mind at all times,
repression, displacement, denial : defense
my anger consumes me & i can't see why

I have spent the last decade puking
my sexuality is twisted & it’s always been about power
tug of war, to keep the upper hand & keep them down

In the mirror, I see myself at 2 years old,
singing & kissing my sister on the forehead
& then pushing her into Christmas trees

I am open, gentle, loving, creative & kind.
A picture of fragility & resilience
So blinded in the light of this life

Forgive but never forget
& such grudges kind of weigh me down
I’m just scared they’ll all do it again & I’ll be the Fool

My mother has only slept, ate, drank, spent her way through life
When I’m really strong, I’ll let her off for that but right now,
I just can’t

I have always wondered why I was not like the others
& then I decided I didn’t want to be
they are puddles & I am a lake:

I’d rather swim, & risk drowning
than never see the depths of my being

Nourris ta misère & je ferai pareil

Me faire gonfler sous cette peau douce

Prendre du plaisir dans la douleur : le Paradoxe

Au moins que ça remplit ce vide saccagé

Au moins qu’il mangeait des fleurs

Ces Fleurs du Mal et de la mélancolie

Comme rien n’est laid lorsque l’on ignore la Beauté

lâche, lâche mes poignets
qui sont terriblement lourds
je l'ai laissé découvrir ce champ
& il a mis son cœur dans son cul
il s'est endormi sur la plage &
les vagues grises approchent
comme un enfant au berceau
ou plutôt, un vieil homme
crevé dans son tombeau?

laisse, laisse les heures fondent
enchaînées, l'une après l'autre
les temps que son corps
ne laisse aucun empreint,
qu'il soit pris par la mer,
j'aurais bu l'ensemble des océanes,
volontairement, les mains attachées
mais l'eau salée brûle mes lèvres
autant que ma parole morde

recule, recule, c'est le moment
je l'abandonne sur les rochiers
pour aller coucher avec le soleil
l'aube, je reviendrai manger,
engloutir ses côtes pétrifiés,
enterrer ses os sous les châteaux
de sable qui peignent et tapissent
l'horizon de ce festin cannibale

avant, à ta poursuite
aux pays du désert
où le soleil brûlait et
dévorait tout en vue

je me contentais de
suivre ce fameux chemin
des miettes et méandres,
des traces de ton sang

pendant des années,
j'ai traversé ce terrain aride,
la course sèche la journée
des balades noyées la nuit,

je buvais que de ta tristesse,
j'avalais ta faiblesse entière,
mon propre corps infecté
par tes batailles malades

affamée, assoiffée, puis morte
pendue par mes pas sans fin,
ma persistance m'a gagné
un aller sous la terre

une fois revenue au Paradis,
tes plumes m’appariassent,
légères et sales, chez les autres,
un départ irréel de ton Enfer

ton Phantom silencieux,
tes ombres brumeuses,
flashent à travers leurs yeux
alors que j'ai arraché les miens

aveugle, la danse royal éternelle,
les fleurs vivantes me caressaient
une partouze de l’Ambroisie et ses amis
j'ai absorbé le Bonheur comme une éponge  

les lunes ont pleurés et décédées,
& tu te présentés à ma face,
portant ce vase ancien & abordant,
comme un cadeau bien attendu

pourtant, je vois mon reflet dedans
& comme c'est étrange
que tu ne pèses plus rien

english translation
not quite as good
the mirage,

before, when in pursuit of you
I found myself in a land of deserts,
where the sun burnt &
devoured everything in sight

I contented myself to
follow this notorious path
of crumbs & curves,
of the blood you left behind

for years upon years,
I crossed this arid expanse
running dry in day
drowned ramble at night

I drank only of your sadness
I swallowed your weakness whole
my own body became infected
by your diseased battles

ravenous, athirst & finally dead,
hanged by my endless trek
my persistence brought me
a trip beneath the earth

once safely returned to Paradise
through others, your feathers,
appeared to me filthy & light,
an impossible withdrawal from your Hell

your mute Phantom,
your foggy shadows
danced in their eyes,
so I tore out my own

blinded, an endless royal dance
living flowers touched my flesh
an **** of Ambrosia & her friends
Joy permeated my skin like a sponge

many moons wept & died
& you arrive in front of me,
carrying this forgotten, overflowing vase
as if it were a long lost gift

yet, I see my own reflection inside
& how odd it is
that you no longer weigh a thing

oh you bored baby boys,
how many times have I
gotten myself lost inside
of you & your endless mazes?
never enough, once more

oh you’re such fine young men,
weighed down by pockets
of paper that doesn’t bear
your name & a guard to
rival that of the Queen

so **** boring, so ****
silent, i’ll project my mind
on to you & romance
myself alive through this
fragmented Narcissist’s mirror

oh so blasé you guys, once,
twice, now thrice i’ve thrown
my sanity to the wind &
stroked my mania to love you
the world over & back again

oh & you all **** it up royally
infect me with your ennui,
i push my boundaries & leap
forward, leaving you stagnant
& rotten in settling dust

oh you lost boys, the return
“baby i was a fool, i had
no idea that was boiling
inside of you” now just words
from a reformed Prince with
an empty belly & no spine

let the line drop dead
& return the favor elsewhere

Here, we are alone, here, we are each other,
Intertwining like vines in the sun,

You’re not holding back, not even a little bit,
You unravel, you come undone

We count the scars, not the seconds,
As we shed our skin & become one,

I have the found proper placement,
Here in this moment, in my submission
To all the things I’ve kept suppressed,
& my weakness is glorifying & free

i do not need a savior
nor do you

there is no sacrifice to make
there is no glory to aspire to


& there is nothing admirable
about the way Jesus died

the fool never needed to
play the martyr

his death: insignificant,
the consolation: void

there is no Sin
no price to pay

were you born
without a back bone
or did they remove it at birth?

do you feel the sting too
upon contact when you
reach out to touch things ?

Come, chase me down
butterfly the Atlantic
& land in my bed
I’ll catch you up
on the past 5 years

Feed you the distance
Taste your vulnerability
Exercise the fatality
you expelled in to me
when I was still open

the Power
the Control
Now, I’d love to
swallow you whole

I have to say I like these hours of morning best,
When the sunlight pours in the cracks of
the open window beside your open bed,
When you’re still lost in the lands of dreams…

There’s a faint happiness in your face,
Eyes closed, you have escaped awareness,
Which I consider your biggest burden,
& I’m happy to see you relieved of this

Sure enough, given enough dawn light
you’ll return to your familiar scenes,
Wake up to put on the clothes you wear,
like armor, like a shield to make you stable

You don’t have to be like that with me,
I’ll take you the way you are, preferring
the vulnerability & hope in your nakedness,
In my own dreams, I hope to see yours

I have to say I like these hours of morning best,
When you slip in & out of the here & now
I’ll rub the sleep from your sullen eyes,
I’ll put my kisses & hands on your body

Hoping to keep you in only the places,
Just the spaces, where you can be free.

so yeah,*
i threw up thrice yesterday
let my fingers tip the trigger
& stroke my neuroticism
i just wanted to cheat:
synchronize my gut & brain
remove the abandon that
i fear with my entire being
lest it spread like a virus

yes, i’m ashamed of
that violent emptying,
of the maniac Itch that
takes ahold of me when
i feel i have no control
over the territory between
hope & disappointment
& these dramatic emotions
that render me so **** happy

but now,
i’ve begun to realize
that i can’t erase the past
& perhaps, it’s better to just
swallow my pride & place
my worth outside of what power
i may or may not yield, for
perfection is poison & i have
no right to demand it of you
nor myself

& no, i am not fragile,
although i may  tremble...
i am strong now,
in part, having carried
all these heavy things
i've fed myself on for years
forgive you, forgive myself
& finally purge for once & all
of these habitual burdens

**for i am full without them.

just wait until the black night falls,
your sticky blood held in veins,
thins out into an alcoholic vapeur,
& your body starts burning to touch

screaming out the name of the ones
who’ll return your frenzied call,
just as soon as bodies bloat the street
like bruises on peachy virigin flesh

the feverish buzz infects your gut,
from torrid twilight until doeish dawn,
stupid, angry, hungry, *****, high,
the monstrous id claims your reigns

the cable connection,
the electric persuasion
the hellish hunger
& ****** stimulation

you’ll hop the wall, ride the wave,
& dance with Death, song for song
sell the Devil your youth for a taste
of ambrosia: someting better than life

heaven in your head
& honey in your heart,

i feel these things,
tingling dancing bits,

all about my skin
& mostly in my mind

when it drifts to you
as often as i exhale

you remain at all times,
in my mind, not so much
a whisper  but more of
a dull scream that i cannot
stiffle, even after years of
relentless practice

at times, in the night,
i awake frightened,
sweating, my mind
bloated with the fear
that maybe you ****** up
again

my eyes sore from
raining in my sleep

i reach out to touch
anything that might
assure me that it was
only a nightmare
& that you have
not just yet embarked
on yet
another
suicide mission

before, these dreams
were my  reality &
you never seemed to
be able to keep the
two apart for very
long:

the sleep,
the bills,
the ***,
the drugs,
the drink,
the endless charade
of doctors, bottles,
& new clothing
i watched in awe,
petrified by terror

but
despite the promises,
despite the progress,
you are forever hell bent
on sinking & leaving
no captives alive

you remain in my mind
at all times, breeding
anxiety, like spores
spreading their cancer

they are going to
eat you alive &
you let them
willingly
how can i carry that in me too?

i fear, maybe
you have contaminated
me as well :
to have absorbed you,
repulses me & i'm forever
purging these feelings
******* full circle


my anger, my void, my mind
bloated with memories of your
half-shell & filmsy pharmaceutical courage
you were eventually swallowing
everything you could devour
your consumption : horrifying

at least, before you
pretended to be full
dollar, appointment =
attention, satisification
if only temporary

now, your eyes lie flat,
you have become absolutely
nothing & it's the something
that rots my joy & agitates the
the demons you've passed on

still,
i ran away but you are never far,
the telephone brings your
contagion, manifest in words
i hear it in your voice
i cringe at the dial tone,
i tremble when you pick up
what bad news now?

at 15, she said she hoped
you would just die, i never
had the courage to agree:
preferring the slow boil;
the one that encourages
the fungal growth of your
disease. it takes root
everywhere.


you put me at dis-ease woman

die or don't.
antidote or arsenic?

tu es ravissant
merveilleux même
quand tu ris,
j'ai entendu des fleurs
en pleine floraison
dans ma tête

j'espère que tu
n’arrêtes jamais
de rire comme ça


ce jour-ci,
aux pays de la
Belle aux bois dormant,
je me sentais vivante,
électrique même



l'énergie que tu
dégages: énorme
je veux te rendre
la même chose,
me brancher
à ta prise

j'ai pas osé
regarder ta bouche
puisque
ta parole a été
vraiment trop belle

cette voix grave
et tes yeux clairs
ta joie de vivre


j'ai même pas pensé au sexe

l'autoroute de ton cerveau,
cet esprit affamé,
m’éblouissent
totalement

ne change absolument rien!

now i live in Paris
& content myself with
sticky solid chocolate
hash , that **** ain’t as
good as the dank
i was smoking
when I lived on the river
with 3 boys & a ****
& le désespoir totale

we slept at dawn
together in beds
spread out like lions
on the savanna
they never laid a hand
on my quiet body
they always laughed
at my jokes & held me
when i needed it


my eyes were like
wells
when i drank whiskey
out of cups & when
i loved that melancholic
cowboy who came
from oil, with so much
money he didn’t
know where to buy
happiness

the pride dissipated
my love & the drinks
remain & well the cowboy
still cheats on his wife
now i smoke spliffs
& leave behind the crystal
smelly  mota

i don’t get as high
but i sure as hell don’t

**get as low

retour au blanc
au banal
au bon sens
au commun


j’ai pas pris
de plan
je connais
le terrain