you remain at all times,
in my mind, not so much
a whisper but more of
a dull scream that i cannot
stiffle, even after years of
relentless practice
at times, in the night,
i awake frightened,
sweating, my mind
bloated with the fear
that maybe you ****** up
again
my eyes sore from
raining in my sleep
i reach out to touch
anything that might
assure me that it was
only a nightmare
& that you have
not just yet embarked
on yet
another
suicide mission
before, these dreams
were my reality &
you never seemed to
be able to keep the
two apart for very
long:
the sleep,
the bills,
the ***,
the drugs,
the drink,
the endless charade
of doctors, bottles,
& new clothing
i watched in awe,
petrified by terror
but
despite the promises,
despite the progress,
you are forever hell bent
on sinking & leaving
no captives alive
you remain in my mind
at all times, breeding
anxiety, like spores
spreading their cancer
they are going to
eat you alive &
you let them
willingly
how can i carry that in me too?
i fear, maybe
you have contaminated
me as well :
to have absorbed you,
repulses me & i'm forever
purging these feelings
******* full circle
my anger, my void, my mind
bloated with memories of your
half-shell & filmsy pharmaceutical courage
you were eventually swallowing
everything you could devour
your consumption : horrifying
at least, before you
pretended to be full
dollar, appointment =
attention, satisification
if only temporary
now, your eyes lie flat,
you have become absolutely
nothing & it's the something
that rots my joy & agitates the
the demons you've passed on
still,
i ran away but you are never far,
the telephone brings your
contagion, manifest in words
i hear it in your voice
i cringe at the dial tone,
i tremble when you pick up
what bad news now?
at 15, she said she hoped
you would just die, i never
had the courage to agree:
preferring the slow boil;
the one that encourages
the fungal growth of your
disease. it takes root
everywhere.
you put me at dis-ease woman
die or don't.
antidote or arsenic?