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 Dec 2013 LA Hall
Mikaila
Courage
 Dec 2013 LA Hall
Mikaila
I am afraid.
Today I woke up
Scared.
Scared of many things.
Scared like I would be anyway
That tick tick tick
In a few days
You will be gone altogether.
Scared more because
I feel myself reaching for you
And I can't stop.
Scared
Just because I haven't heard your voice in days
And something happened inside me
That needs that comfort to heal.
At breakfast
I was scared of my pancakes.
They were a challenge.
It has been days since food has made me anything but nauseous.
They steamed on my plate
Hot and sweet and doused in thick syrup.
I stared them down.
I tried hard to lift my fork.
Set it down.
Moved on to my coffee.
Its sweetness, too, sickened me.
I was afraid of that coffee.
As if it would suddenly strike
Like a cobra.
I was afraid
Of every person in that room.
I was afraid
Of my hands.
I was afraid
Of my heartbeat.
I was afraid
Of you
And your silence.
I laughed with my friends
And I was afraid
Of my laugh.
Afraid of how they didn't know
How scared I was.
Afraid that I would just slip and tell them
And they would support me
And it wouldn't help.
I excused myself,
Went to the small private little bathroom
Just outside.
I locked the door and tried to cry.
Nothing.
I felt sick
But nothing there, either.
Finally I looked myself in the eyes in the mirror
(You called them beautiful the other day)
(That thought flashed through my mind
And I saw it strike a spark of longing inside them
But it quickly died.)
I said,
"I don't want to be mean.
But if I'm not mean, you don't listen.
People say never to put yourself down
But if I am not harsh it doesn't get through.
You are being stupid. Grow up. Live. Eat something
Go on.
Nothing bad has happened.
And if you do not see her again for six months
You have lost much, much more before.
You stand up tall like you've earned.
Come on, just stop this."
I stared back, hollow looking.
I pulled up the bottom of my shirt
Let my stomach out as far as it would go.
It made no difference to my waistline at all.
I was afraid
Of that.
I pulled it down and grabbed the edges of the sink,
"You are DYING. You are starving inside,
Don't do it outside.
Let me eat.
Please.
Now you're going to go out there
And you're going to smile
Like nothing has ever scared you.
And none of those people will know you thought any of this
And none of those people will see your terror in your eyes
And that
Will be your strength.
If you refuse to feel better
I'll be ****** if anybody will see it."
I took a deep breath
And in the mirror
I complied.
My face settled into a calm mask
The face of a girl who had just had pancakes for breakfast
Who had a final to study for
Who had friends to laugh with
Whose day was ordinary.
A hint of a smile on my lips
A lift to my eyes.
I know just how
To rearrange my face.
(The goal is
People's eyes will slide right over it
And not take in any traitorous details.
Feng Shui, and all that.)
And the satisfaction settled over me
That at least there was that.
At least
All of a sudden
The girl in the mirror wasn't afraid
Even if I
Still was.
I walked back out
And smiled
And laughed with my friends
And ate my breakfast
Feeling sicker
With every bite.
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
Tyler
How many authors,
Unearthly meticulous,
Have left us symbols in scarves; or, say,
Surreptitiously submerged in salad dressing,
The idea of the priest confessing;
Clues folded carefully between innocuous lines,
So carefully that in ten thousand pairs of eyes,
Not one perceives the crease?

And what kind of beautiful sadist plants flowers in shadow?

I cannot bear the empty tears that they must shed,
The monstrous mute meaninglessness of these
Lessons taught, and not learned!
Worse: words, while wise,
Are not our only teachers.

So I look for the mirrors in smoke,
And in skies, in eyes,
In every word the wind spoke.
Until everything is a mirror;
Everything, however dull, reflects.

When I tried to ride a bicycle today--
And not just because I want that idiom to be true,
But simply because I want to learn how--
When I put my heart to the pedal,
And the wind bent down to whisper,
Unintelligible, but clearly intelligent,
Into my ear,
It felt like I had failed them;
I could not listen, but only hear.

On this generally generous June morning,
The very last of the Daylilies bloomed.
I saw it later, in an evening hour,
And I imagined, as I rode past,
That it (or its reflection) asked
“Might I be, after all, only a flower?”

“To navigate by mirror alone
Is to walk always in reverse.”
So the lily seemed to say
As it awaited, alone, its floral hearse.

I will not, without reason,
Deny a dying wish.
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
MH
Awake
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
MH
It's one hell of a cold night.
If bears were awake, they'd migrate.
My bed's warm, but it's only me in here,
wandering through thoughts not worth remembering.
I know I'm lucky to have survived this long,
but it doesn't always feel like it.
Written in March of 2013. It was cold, and I was getting tired of it.
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
Emily
Paper Thin
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
Emily
And we talked all night, into morning.
Though I couldn't hear your voice I swear
I felt breath on my skin.

Struggling for a few moments of desperate sentiment,
Waiting for some suppressed feeling to
Soothe us in our laments.

Just whisper words that falter behind clenched teeth
And I'll say out loud the things I've spoken
Countless times in dreams.
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
M N V
sick
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
M N V
there's so much in me that's ashamed.
a sudden shove to realization, truths uncovered, memories turned poison.
the ugliness of sin so unbearable you try to run, to find it being your feet.
the want. the need. the blurry lines.
the lack of skill. the craving for meaning.
the obligations and the sluggishness.
waking and sleeping and waking and sleeping.
trapped beneath.
someone, anyone, God, love, get me out!
shouting, realizing Time and whatever good lives in you is all you have to carry you.
a storm grasped in a fist but I'm not that strong.
I'm no poet, but I carry words in me like extra organs,
and right now I'm so sad I just want to document such poignancy.
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
Homer
X. TO APHRODITE (6 lines)

(ll. 1-3) Of Cytherea, born in Cyprus, I will sing.  She gives
kindly gifts to men: smiles are ever on her lovely face, and
lovely is the brightness that plays over it.

(ll. 4-6) Hail, goddess, queen of well-built Salamis and sea-girt
Cyprus; grant me a cheerful song.  And now I will remember you
and another song also.
 Nov 2013 LA Hall
jessica mcread
The universe is growing at a terrifying rate,
But my stagnant world stands still.
The stars pull, and the planets dance a waltz,
But the gravity that twirls them around and around has pinned me down here.

Symphonies at my fingertips, worlds within reach,
But I don’t care.
These shadows cover so much of what I want to understand,
They follow me around till nothing else matters.
The hologram is fading,
Slowly leaving this cold earth,
And as he leaves he makes room for the sun.

The ghost is dissipating,
As my life begins re-birth,
And all the nightmares might just now be done.

I think I've won...

See the mirror was foggy, But I replaced the glass,
I can look in my eyes now, No steam to block my pass

It's just me...
Only me...
And I'm beautiful!
OK just found this website via stumbleupon (Gotta love SU) and this is a spur of the moment poem just to say hi and introduce myself to the community.

This poem is about my recent struggle with depression and it's culmination in a suicide attempt (Don't worry it failed and I'm moving uphill now). Basically, through all the drama i almost tried again the next night after attempt 1 failed, but instead I called a counselling line and was told the same thing I'd heard a million times: "You've got to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you".
This night it finally made sense.

Through all my counseling etc... I'd never really let it be about my true self. I'd go along with the line that 'I was a good person', but I never applied it to me; I applied it to a projected image of myself, I believed i could convince others I was a good person, but i thought it was all just good acting. I never challenged my self-negativism. The idea of loving-myself finally became clear, and I realised I hadn't in a long time.

So as horrible as suicide is, and I'm glad I failed, I'm ever so grateful for the lesson I learned, which is what this poem is about.
I'm a cloud of useless waste of particles.
I float freely, I fall slowly.
I'm a useless dust of chalk. Wasted.
What is my purpose?
After my knowledge?
After I have made my marks on the board?
What am I bound to do?
After I sit steady in the cold, dark place that I stain? That I ruin?

I'm a useless powdered material.
I stay stationary, I move slightly.
I'm a useless left over matter of chalk. Unimportant.
No appreciation for my knowledge.
No notice for my wisdom.
Is my purpose to be unseen?
Is my purpose to irritate eyes and wreck souls?

I'm a chalk dust in a dark, cold corner...
Soliloquy is my game.
What I play. every time. everyday
Intentionally left behind,
By my knowledge, my wisdom, my faith, my truth.
I'm now
A Nobody.

I vanish, and I flourish and I fly.
I'm a chalk dust with no purpose.
And so, the soul had fled the existing body.
And in the end, I see...
My useless soul, my life...
Under appreciated


** jnldm
first timer. pardon the emotional poem. this was actually for my lit. class and  my lit. teacher told me to hang here and post some of ze works. hahaha... lol bye. nvr mnd this note. it's so useless lol. -jnldm
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