Broke my heart in July
Broke my body in August

Through it all, my heart continues to ache for you.

You want and want and want but once you get, you give back... even when you're not wanted.

I don't want to hear a single word you have to say. Knowing you, it's going to be a bunch of "I'm sorry" ******* with a "Don't go to the school with this" thrown in there. Yeah, *******, whatever. I can't even look at you without wanting to break your nose. What makes you think I want to listen to the **** spilling from your liar's mouth? No, thank you. I think I'll survive without a ******* apology for something you probably don't remember.

Will you be angry?
Will my intentions be justified?
Will you run?
Will you understand why I've been acting the way I have?
Will you scream?
Will I lose the love I've fought for?
Will you cry?
*Will you still be mine come morning?

You told me that you loved me and I believed you then  
You told me he was nothing and I believed you then
You told me you had made friends and I believed you then
You told me he was "just being nice" and I believed you then
You told me I was more than enough and I believed you then
But you didn't
He never was
They weren't
He knew
I wasn't
I believed the words you said and my God, do I wish I hadn't

When your heart is too large
You forget to close the door
And stray tomcats walk on in
Where there is nourishment to feed on
And a bowl of cool milk
But when you want them gone
They send questioning glances
And wonder when you shut the window
Folowed by the slam of a door

Does the night haunt you like it haunts me?

I thought I'd never love this way again,
but you held out your hand and pulled me in.

No one loves me.
I did.
I would've.
I could have loved you so easily if you'd have let me.
But you kept yourself so closed off.
Why?
Why did y--
Except you. You do... I know you did. I'm sorry I never...
What?
How did you..?
I never told you...
You nev--
I'm sorry I didn't let you.

You taste like the sea, the one I've spent years looking out over and wishing it would swallow me whole.

You're no good for the life I want to lead
So I'll sit under my own vine, my own fig tree
And watch as you continue to bleed

Will I ever forget your handwriting, the words left on paper and on skin?

The life span of a red blood cell is 120 days...
This means that part of you is no longer who you were four months ago.

I used to cry for you
But now I only cry for me

I want to mark your skin blue  
I want to leave my scent on your sheets
I want to press and scratch and bleed
You've brought out my possessive side
...Who knew?

I
became
frightened
because
I
thought
it
was
one
of
you.

If there's anything I've learned in the past year, it's that Normal people don't change. Normal people don't change. But then there's Abnormal people. The movers, the thinkers, the innovators, the shifters. They, unlike Normal people, see what they can become and change their lives firsthand. Normal people don't. They wallow and swallow, playing the victim to Life. False positivity crushes the Normal mind. Isn't it wonderful, being Abnormal?

You gave me a bottle of lavender even though you knew I hated it.
I only opened it twice - when I received it and that night.
I found that bottle last night, hidden away in dark corners.
The minute I opened it, I regretted it.
The once sweet smell was putrid.
I coughed and heaved and felt tears ***** my eyes.
No. Please no.
...
Never again. Never.
The memory passed and I saw red.  
I gripped the tiny bottle until my knuckles turned white.
With power I didn't know I had, I threw that bottle at the wall.
It shattered, just like everything else...
So I opened my window and let the world know of your sin.

Two years ago today, I held death on the back of my tongue.
Two years later, I hold you in the safe haven of my arms.

No, you don't understand.
You were not the one
who crawled out of bed
in the middle of the night.
You were not the one
opening the bottle of pills
and cursing when three fell to the floor.
You were not the one
with the repetition of
"Just do it!" playing in your head.
You were not the one
holding the cold glass
of water in your shaking hand.
You were not the one
putting five, six, seven pills
past your trembling lips.
You were not the one
who climbed back into bed,
waiting impatiently for death.
You were not the one
who unfortunately woke the next afternoon
with a dry mouth and aching body.
No, you don't understand.

What a relief
To be away from the memories
Of these hallways
These bathrooms
These shadowed corners
That remind me of you

On days where I find breathing difficult, I come to you and you push oxygen through my withering body. Who am I to want more from the person that gives me everything?

Bitterness doesn't suit you
But it does match your eyes

Are you angry because my parents don't know and yours do? Do they treat you even worse now? Do you want me to feel the same pain you do every time your mother looks at you?
That's low, but then again, you've stooped lower.

Please don't say you're obsessed with me
I've had quite enough of obsessive love
It never works out right
I just want you to love me
Love my temper and my moods and my heart full of contempt
Love my laugh and my smile and
my hands full of love
But don't say you're obsessed with me
It never works out right

Sometimes I think about the night I attempted to end my life.
Sometimes I think about what things would be like without me.
Who would sit in my desk in civics class?
Would anyone look to God and ask why?
Where would my father, my sweet and caring father, be?
What about my grandma who sees herself in me?
And my mother? My brother? My sister?
What would they have done with my things?
Would they have left my room untouched, a shrine to a life cut short?
What of my friends? Of the boy with bright eyes that hadn't set on mine?
Would my so called best friend miss me?
Would I be worth his tears?
I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew.
But for now, I'll continue living.
And I'll continue being new.

I grew up my freshman year of high school
when the boy I loved fell for a girl who loved girls
when my best friend became my worst enemy
when the nightmares became day dreams

I died my sophomore year of high school
when the pills I loved fell out of my mouth  
when my best friend became my worst enemy
when the day dreams ended the nightmares

Your fingers traced stars against the galaxies of my mouth and I forget to listen to the dark and the celestial.

We all see each other in the hallway
   in between classes, at lunch, at 3:15
      but do we honestly see each other?
Do we see these poems, these words
   that are often full of darkness and misunderstandings
       but sometimes light and forgiveness?
I see you, friends of mine
   hiding in the shadows of our legacy
      ...but do you see me?

Sweet addiction, baby
There's a rehab for every kind
Lay your head down, baby
Let me give you peace of mind

Long ago, everything you touched turned to gold.
But now the shine is gone, tarnished with sins, lies, and hypocrisy.
Nothing can change that now.
Nothing can change you now.

It's sad, really.
I wish I could talk about you like I have fond memories of us.
But everything is laced with arsenic.
There's no warmth in my voice at all.
There are things I can't repeat, sunny summer days I can't picture anymore.
It feels like I spent a whole year in a fog.
*It's sad, really.

I'm sorry that I couldn't stay,
but I'm not sorry for leaving.

I threw away the pain
because so much lingers in a smell