You think of me as a walking libido,
as a person who only wishes to be touched...
A person without a heart.

How could you think that?

The audacity sickens me.

Do you not understand that I have a heart?
That I have the ability
to feel
to cherish
to love?

No, it isn't always on my sleeve...
I know that --
It's constantly shielded by my mind and the logic I so desperately cling to.

But you know me, don't you?

You should.

**By no means am I "heartless".

Have you ever looked at someone?

A stranger, a friend, a lover?

Surely, your answer would be
Yes.

But I don't think you understand the question...

When I say "looked", I mean really looked.

Have you had the chance to look past the walls built around the heart?
Have you grasped the opportunity to see the little child inside?
Have you had the slightest glimpse at the damaged psyche?

Surely, your answer would be
No.

My answer would be
Yes.

I've reached past the walls, taken the opportunity, had my glimpse.
And wouldn't you know?
I honestly wish I hadn't.

"Dying is easy, young man, living is harder."

I'm looking through you, where did you go?
I thought I knew you, what did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed
I'm looking through you, you're not the same

Your lips are moving, I cannot hear
Your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear
You don't sound different, I've learned the game
I'm looking through you, you're not the same

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

You're thinking of me, the same old way
You were above me, but not today
The only difference is you're down there
I'm looking through you, and you're nowhere

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

I'm looking through you, where did you go
I thought I knew you, what did I know
You don't look different, but you have changed
I'm looking through you, you're not the same

Yeah
Oh baby I'm changed
Ah I'm looking through you
Yeah I'm looking through you

"Think about me every now and then,
old friend."

Pansexuality-
****** attraction, ****** desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of all gender identities and biological sexes.

--

I wonder if my parents would understand.

My father is practically a homophobe...
I'm his little girl.
It would break his fragile heart.

My mother is a different story...
I think she'd shrug and say "Ok".
After all, her favorite musician is gay.

But they could never trust me.*

I'd have to keep the bedroom door open when ANY of my friends come over.

I will not be subjected to that.

So for now, I'll just keep it between friends, the people I trust.

Can you keep a secret?

"I am mine before I am ever anyone else's."

Matt,

I still see you as an obnoxious, 6'2, fifteen year old goofball.
Is that weird?
To hold that image of you in my head?
I was eight years old when you were fifteen.
One time, you pretended to eat my cat and I cried.
"MATT, WHY WOULD YOU EAT ANGEL?!"
"Leigh, I didn't really! Look, he's right here!"
My earliest memory of you.
A fond one at that.


You and my brother were close.
Roughhoused together...
Played every-kind-of-ball together...
Grew up together.

Our fathers have always been close, so naturally their sons would be.

Your dad still calls mine
"my dearest friend".
They coached alongside each other for years.
And who did they coach?
You.
My brother.
Kids who needed a guiding hand.

You stood out.

(Of course you did, you were six feet tall by freshman year!)

You controlled the basketball court like no one else.
Rebounds, ball handling, 3-pointers;
You could do it all.
There was no stopping you...
Oh yeah, you made the team what it was.
How many career points?
Over 3,000?
Something like that.

You were a star off of the court, too.
Everyone looked towards you for a quick joke.
You were funny, man.
Your laugh was infectious, your smile was luminescent.
You'd ******' light up New York City.
No, you weren't the brightest guy...
And your dad never let you forget it.
But you tried.


I wish you could see your family now.
I hadn't seen your parents and brothers in ages.
Parker's no longer that chubby, quiet kid, huh?
Rob is as thin as ever, quiet as well.
Your mom is as beautiful as I remember her to be.
Your dad hasn't changed a bit.
No, I take that back...
He was crying.
All 6'8 of him pulled my 5'2 father into a hug.
"Come here, my dearest friend."
My father cried.
I haven't seen that man cry in years.
And now both of them are crying over you.
Over how beautiful, remarkable, and loved you were.
There were a ton of people there, also crying for the same reasons.

You were so valued.

I wish you would've known that.

So long, Matt.
Until we meet again...

-Leigh

I want to taste the words
that lie on the tip
of your sinner's tongue

High school:
one minute you're gay,
one minute you're straight.

Kiss me quick
before all of this
becomes another dream.