i love being this high. 
where i can't feel a thing. 
but i can feel everything, all at once, every fiber of my being I can feel. 
i don't know if this is a good thing. 
all i can think about were those morning **** rips with your family, 
margarita night with your mom. 
i loved the **** out of you, and that was always the problem wasn't it? 
i accepted too much, i had seen too much of you. 
always one for mystery. 
i miss how your breathe felt on my neck. 
I miss how your eyes looked in the morning, my ******* vampire of a man. 
covered in me, and you, and us. 
and that one mistake of a afternoon. 
 and everything you tried to fake. 
you can't fake something like that. 
you can't fake the way my hands felt on your neck in the early hours of the day. 
it's okay, though. 
it turned out better than we had ever thought possible.

everything bad happens for a reason, i think. 
everything good happens by chance, by luck. 
i never really planned a good thing that's happened in my life. 
they just kind of happened. 
that night with the cows. 
the night with the bottle and a back road. 
the day we got too ****** to move from your bed. 
so we discovered each other instead. i still know how many freckles you have, how many scars were from jumping off ****. 
you always swore you could fly. 
that one weekend we threw together and called it a good time. 
that night in the car, the rain coming down. 
i was buzzed, off cheap wine and young love. 
i said i think it's early, but i think i love you. 
the day at the beach when for once my family didn't fight. 
all unplanned, all amazing. 
the bad things though, i hand picked them. 
i couldn't of chosen better.

this is a different kind of heartbreak. 
it's the kind that you feel everywhere. 
you wake up with your bones, aching.
short of breathe from one too many cigarettes the night before. 
i see you in my dreams. 
the you you were before. 
before the truth, before the outrage. 
before reality kicked in. 
you don't love her like you want to. 
and you never will. 
you can't love a copy when you're still loving the blueprint.

i want to know what nickname you have for her. 
i wonder if it's the same thing you called me. 
i want to know how it felt when you ****** her for the first time. 
was it better? 
was it love? 
you're the only person ive ever made love with.
the real cheesy kind. 
the kind you see in the movies, or read in adult novels. 
we were one. one body, one soul, one mind. 
we could both twist the situation to make ourselves look better. 
but, at the end of it all we loved to a fault. 
we loved to a limit we didn't know existed. 
we were never really forever, i see that now. 
but i know, sometimes when you look at her, laying beside you in your bed, you're thinking of that week at the beach when every morning you woke up to my hair in your face and my arm strewn across your chest. 
and i know sometimes, when you **** her, you think about how different i made you feel and how much you miss that thing i did with my tongue. 
little things like that, are what you're going to miss. 
while im here wondering what you told your parents about her.

i fall in love with
people who can
only seem to love
ghosts.
ghosts of past lovers,
ghosts of themselves,
ghosts of ghosts.
maybe when
i finish
diminishing myself
down to nothing,
ill be able to
be loved too.

what if this future i have
in my head isn't real?
it's nothing detailed,
because everyone likes
a little surprise.
it's like a rough sketch,
but what if there's never any
final product?
what if i never get to color
inside the lines?
what if there's never
a gorgeous masterpiece
for me to leave behind?
what then?

i like feeling
insignificant in
comparison to
the large scale
of things.
that's why
before i die,
i want to spend
a week beside the ocean.
& every night,
i want to sit right
where the shore meets the sand
and feel as free as the waves
crashing in the distance.
and i want to go find
a rooftop, that's just the perfect height
and get some blankets
and fall asleep,
just a speck in a
massive space.
but somehow, that doesn't scare me
the way it should.

you never
really made me
feel as alive
as that
roof top did
tonight.
and i realized,
that's all i wanted.
i wanted someone
to make me feel
alive and whole and worthy and important.
like im worth someone laying down for hours, and just staring.

there's something
wrong with my mind.
it no longer seems to be
mine.
chaos erupts and panic ensues.
an earthquake starts
in my mind
and my sanity starts
crumbling.
some days i feel so high,
untouchable even.
but soon after,
i crash land into
a pool of depression
that i barely pull
myself out of before i start
to drown in it.
i hear you but never see you.
why are you hiding from me?
why are you here in the first place?
are you even here?
**** im doing it again.
why can't i breathe why can't i see why can't i hear everything is unclear.
in. out. in. out.
please send help
before my lungs collapse on themselves
before i drown
before i start seeing where the voices are coming from
before i stop getting out of bed
before it becomes too much
before

i can feel
myself slowly
slipping
back into you.
it already feels
like poison
but it looks
like heaven,
so why
does
it seem like
it's gonna hurt
like hell?

i don't actually
know what im
doing in life.
all i know is
that you look better
smiling at me
in bed
then
i ever looked
alone in
my own.

today
i laid in your
bed again.
it had been months
since my body
was against yours.
and pulling
on your tshirt
i realized you still
smelled the same.
i said it outloud
and you said
"did you expect me to smell different?"
and i looked up
at you, with knowing eyes,
and responded
"no. but that doesn't mean i wasn't hoping you would. i don't want heartbreak to have the same smell over and over. i don't want to be haunted by it my whole life."

do you ever
have moments
of extreme
epiphany?
like you
suddenly
realize
someone isn't
who you thought
they were.
and nothing is
more strange
then seeing
someone you've
shared your darkest
secrets with
and not being
able to  
recognize
them.

ive run out of words to describe the way your hands feel gripping the sides of my face

you aren't
really the
person you
try to be.
you're
smoking in the cold
with people who
can't remember your name.
you're getting drunk
alone in your room
at 2am.
you're telling anyone
who will listen your
life secrets.
but i was captivated
by how you
collapsed into
yourself,
then poured all
that you are
into my body.
almost as if
you wanted me
to carry
the weight
of both our worlds
in the crevices
of my hips

will
you
still
love
me
when
i
lose
my
mind?

"you're perfect for me,
even if you don't think so"
funny how
3 days later
you stopped
thinking i
e x i s t e d.
funny how
the last time
i was in your bed,
i found another girls
hair tie and
convinced myself
it was mine.
but it didn't make
a difference.
because i could
never quite
convince
myself that
you were
m i n e

these halls
are haunted
with memories
of you.
your laugh
still reverberates
off these walls
and
your voice
is the
constant hum
that makes
my bones crack.
i see
you in all
the places
we use to be,
the corner where
you'd just sit and hold me
and i swear to god
i can still feel
the warmth
that was you
wrapping around
my throat.
"forever" meant
until you
find someone
less crazy than me.
i hope
forever is
just as temporary
for me because
my bones are still
aching and
my heart is still pouring
out the promises
you broke and
i still can't say
your name without
wanting to *******
drown myself

today
im seeing you
in every place we've ever
been
and my
*******
god
i just
want
to feel
whole
again

im drunk
and im alone
and im ******* depressed
and im happy
and im sad
and im sane
and im phsyco
and im not me
and i am
and i love you
and i hate you
and im pretty sure
i left my mind
in the last bed we shared

you can't be real.
not with the way
your mind touches
my body before
you hands
and not with the
way your words
leave me breatheless
before your mouth does.
your body is
a ******* spiritual
experience
and your eyes alone
make me question
my sanity.

they warned me
about you.
said your words
could hypnotize
and your eyes
could see through me.
you're like a drug,
i get high on
your presence.
surreal, spiritual
that's what it's
like being with you.
im gonna regret this
but not before i fully
enjoy the trip

i never
really cared
what people
thought about me.
it was always
how i thought
about me.
and that's what
is the worst part,
no one could
make me stop
but myself.

please forgive me
for all the lies i will tell,
all the hearts i will break,
for all the little pieces of you
i will take.
forgive me for all the
mistakes i will make,
the souls i will shake,
all the aches.
but most of all,
forgive me for the
way i treat myself
because im never kind,
always giving into
the demons in my mind.

and the ocean
taught me
how to
welcome people
back into my mind
like the shore welcomes
the tide
and i said your name
today and it
didn't feel like
throwing up
razors
and i
remembered the way
you tilted your head
when you smiled
but the ocean
never taught me
how to wash
away images
so im stuck
with how
you looked
the last time you
told me you loved me.

this halfway ****
isn't for me.
you halfway love me,
which means you
love the things
i do underneath the sheets.
you halfway think im beautiful,
which means you think
the way my hips sway
is beautiful.
you halfway want me,
which means you want
everything from me
without your commitment.
you're halfway killing me,
which means
im almost gone.

life is a never ending
tragedy.
not even
shakespeare
could beat
life's plot lines

you told me
i was too young
to understand
the basics of love
but that didn't stop
you from saying it
over and over.
you told me
i had problems.
that i was
too much
but also
not enough.
but that didn't stop
you from having me
in bed
over and over.
you told me
i had a choice,
that it was always
up to me.
but it wasn't
my decision
to do any
of this in the first place.
you told me
i was crazy,
but i guess she
was the kind of
crazy you were
looking for.
nothing was mine,
you even left
the same
finger print
bruises around
her neck.

i have a
way with words.
but i never could
quite talk myself
out of loving
you.
and you're
still in every
poem i write.
so maybe,
i just have
a way with you.

it's weird
to think
there was
a time
i didnt
know you.
because now
you're all i think about
and the only one i
want to give my time to.
you're holding
my heart
in the palms of
your hands.
please, don't drop it.
when your hands
start feeling
heavy from the
burden of my love,
just give it back
gently.

treat people
better then
the world
treats you.

"you were always
a giver.
sorry i couldn't
give more."

everything stopped
for a moment or two
when we heard the news.
then chaos emerged
and tears flowed.
people fell apart
while everyone came
together.
we were holding each
other up
while we ourselves
were on the ground.
questions were asked
but the only one that
mattered
was how could
he do it
and leave us all shattered?
but then i realized
it wasn't about us.
it was about something bigger
and im sorry the world *****.

i don't miss
your mouth
nearly as much
as i miss your
eyes.
your mouth
whispered
secrets into
my skin but
your eyes,
my god,
you eyes
told me
stories and
they held
the lies
that eventually
broke me

like
petals
on
a
flower
after
full
bloom,
eventually
you
withered
away
and
became
dead
to
me
too

i want
a lifetime love.
a love that
always keeps me
on my toes
but rarely leaves
me in tears.
a love that
makes me
want to give
and give
and give
and never
empty,
never hollow.
new and different
yet familiar
and routine.
i want a love
that has it all.

she broke you.
she stepped
all over your
heart.
she left
it scattered
in pieces.
and
im the one
left cleaning
up a mess
i didn't make.
how
unfair is
it to put
someone back
together
just for them
to go back
to loving
the one
who trashed
them?

you
cannot
be
fixed
by
the
same
person
that
broke
you.

i looked in
the mirror today
and didn't believe what
i saw staring back at me.
i saw scars of all different shapes
sparkle
almost as if to show me
the many times
i was
my own light
to guide me
through my sickness.
i saw years of
self hate and abuse
tumble off my shoulders
and down my back along
with my light brown locks.
i saw my eyes
screaming out
all my inner beauty,
trying to make it surface,
but never overpower.
and i saw
someone i loved.
someone i was proud to be.
someone worth saving.

how can you go weeks, even months without talking or being or existing with another person but the moment you see them your old routines and habits and jokes and memories just fall back into place and everything feels right and you finally feel whole enough to breathe again?

i saw you tonight.
you spoke first.
asked me how had i been.
told me i looked good.
and you have me a hug.
letting you near me was
my first mistake, but
dear god,
letting you touch me was fatal.
i was immediately reminded
of your smell which
brought back a thousand
******* wonderful memories.
and i was immediately
reminded of your arms
and the way they felt
secure around my frame
like nails in a coffin.
and i was immediately reminded
of how easily our bodies
fit together,
and how
******* amazing
the puzzle was.

i have a problem.
with not being able to
properly mourn.
my mantra is
find something new
to distract from the old.
and usually, that works..
for a little.
then i start feeling.
feeling the regret,
the anger,
the overwhelming sadness.
and it hits me like
a train that
this distraction
isn't distracting me
from the pain

i like a lot of myself.
i like the way i look
when i first wake up.
i like the way my eyes
look when i do my make up.
i like my body, how it's unique
to me.
i like my long hair.
i like my small hands and feet.
but my god
i love my mind
and i love
what my hands can do
and what my mouth can say
and where my feet can take me
and what my eyes see when i first wake up.
that's what i love about
myself.

i never understood
how people can
love and stay with
their abusers.
but then i
experienced
the pain,
the anxiety,
the hopelessness
and i swear
to ******* god
i still
haven't loved
more than i
loved you.

you can have
*** with just
about anyone,
anyone who
says yes.
but
to be able
to let your
minds
****
eachothers
and your ideas
love the same
postions theirs
do
is to truly
have
great ***
and a great
conversation
over drinks
after.

people say
everything
is better
when
you're blinded
by smoke
or drowning
in alcohol.
but you cant
see the lies
and i
cant swim
through the
disapointment.  
they say it
brings out
the real you.
but i'm not
really me after
the 6th shot
of *****.
and you
arent really
happy
after that
2nd blunt.

she fell in love
with the curve
of his smile
and
he fell in love
with the curve
of her ***.
but
eventually
they both
fell in love
with the way
there minds
felt together.

i've never really
been a nature
person.
but that day
i fell in love
with the way the ground
kissed the water
and the sun
made love to the
tops of the trees.
in that moment
i felt like i was
a part of something
bigger than this
****** up
human race.
and for once
i felt at peace.