I just want to know
When a beautiful smile
Will be more
Than just another
Lost cause

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

This morning I woke up laying on the ceiling
Looking down at myself
I look different
Not talking about when I shaved last
A 5 o'clock shadow of who I use to know
Frightened by what I see
6 more weeks of a frigid winter
As my bones chatter
They'll talk about the changes I've endured

I go to bed tonight on my ceiling
My covers look warm

i wish my generation would stop
romanticizing misery; if he only loves you
because you are sad, then what will happen
when he's the only one to make you happy

(are you prepared to watch him walk away
for another girl reading bukowski?)

i don't really know
if i ever mattered
or if i ever will

god forbid i wonder if i *do

everybody talks about their boys
like they're daisy chains
or paper dolls
nearly identical and
dispensable
but for me there's only
you.

i used to hate sundays,
but sometimes you hold
my hands in the pews
at church and i think that
i've been saved in more
ways than one

there was a time when my words were more than
please
and there was a time when you cared.

i taught you to care, darling, i taught you myself
and i'm small and i'm broken and i've ripped the world into chasms but i always thought
that you could bring me redemption
if i taught you

but i taught
you the wrong
thing.

you followed my example and you
lied;
you learnt it all from me,
how to laugh, how to cry, how to eat until you’re sick and how to
move inside another like you’re inseparable
and we fit so seamlessly i forgot that i was teaching you
how to forget yourself
because you're not you anymore, you're what
i made you

and wherever god is
he's jealous of us for loving so endlessly.

i've always worshipped you
with my heart, my battered and weary soul,
my mouth covering every blessed inch
of your borrowed skin

you've been my god for a long time but
now
you're not you
and i'm worshipping a
memory.

we laid on the bed and didn't touch.
i wanted you to hold me but i was afraid you'd catch this disease i have, apathy.
insomnia and heartache are synonyms,
you told me.
everything looks different in the dark.
you think you know your heart until the blackout illuminates a new one entirely.
i told you i was afraid and you wrote a lullaby down my spine.
that's not right.
everything is different in the dark.
you didn't touch me.
i forgot you didn't touch me.
the loaded question was on your lips as i pressed mine to yours. bang.
kissing doesn't count as touching but you stopped me anyway.
it was raining cats and dogs and you told me to lighten up or it would never stop.
i choked on your tongue and you called it a laugh.
silence is an accent i wish more people had.
you didn't say anything.
you didn't touch me.