just when i thought that
i had finally figured out
who i was,

you came along and
that was when i realized
i knew nothing because

before i met you, i didn't know
that blue was my favorite color
or that my favorite smell was
old spice or that my favorite
time of day was every sunday
morning i spent waking up
to my favorite things

i. this poem is not about that thursday afternoon
you spent holding me in your arms, swaying
back and forth in the middle of your bedroom
because i mentioned that no one understood me
and you told me you liked my dark hair and
my olive skin and the fact that i wrote poems about
confused teenagers in love and that i had a heart
that was just as confused as yours was

ii. we whispered sweet nothings to each other and
kissed under your navy blue duvet for two years
and the reason i still cry over that is because
you knew how much i detested dancing and that
i hated when my peas touched my potatoes and
that i never went to bed before two in the morning,
but you never learned that i am an iceberg

iii. i asked you to describe me and you failed
to mention that i'm afraid of the dark because
it reminds me of a sky without stars and that
my favorite song is skinny love by bon iver
because it reminds me of the relationship that
i shared with you and you never understood
why i liked sad things (it's because i like the
way rainy days and sleepless nights make
me feel something worth writing about)

iv. this poem is not about love or heartbreak
but it is about you, and i must admit that it
feels awkward to write about you without
feeling any ounce of admiration or hatred
pulsing through my tired veins. this poem
is not about me missing you, or how i wish
that you still thought about me, because i
am glad that i no longer float across your
mind whenever you watch a baseball game

v. you were like the titanic and our feelings
were the ocean that carried you closer to me.
you saw the surface of my being, consisting
of all the things you liked about me and the
things that you could put up with. but your
ignorance became too much and every
quality you failed to pay attention to came
crashing into you all at once and i
absolutely destroyed you and i don't know
whether to say i'm sorry or
you deserved this

i. at seventeen, i should know that
the world isn't always beautiful and
that life isn't always lovely and
i shouldn't ever change the way i am
for the sake of a teenage boy,
but yesterday augustus told me that
there is something beautiful in death
and in that moment,
i wanted nothing more than to stand
on the edge of a cliff and feel my feet
get swept out from underneath me

ii. i have never seen something as
breathtaking as the constellations that
lit up the night sky. they shimmered
and sparkled in the same way that
augustus' eyes did before he kissed me
and i never had to ask him if he liked
the stars because i knew. they were *****
of old light from dead bodies that
floated around the universe and i hope
that even after i pass that i do not stop
floating around augustus' mind.

iii. when i die, i do not want to be
buried within the cold ground because
even though the earth is enchanting
and i wouldn't mind becoming part of it,
i do not want augustus to forget me.
i hope he scorches my body with the flame
that burned in our hearts for
so many years and that he keeps me
on the nightstand so that he will
be able to wake up every morning with
a smile on his face because he would still
be waking up to what he had once said was
the most beautiful thing a person
could wake up to.

i love the sea because
she is honest.
when she is angry,
she's wild:
waves of emotion carelessly tossing
boats and sailors around as
a warning not to mess with her.
but when it's quiet
and everything is still,
she is so calm and
so beautiful that
it's hard not to fall in love
with the sound of her waves
gingerly kissing the shore.

in a way, i consider you
to be my own personal sea.
you pull people into you,
only to push them away and
you have so much depth that
nobody has ever really seen.
but i have dived down deep enough
to learn that you cry during
most disney movies and that you
like the smell of my perfume and
it's hard not to fall in love
with the way your lips feel
against mine.

i loved your eyes
because they were such
a powerful blue that they
reminded me of a
perfect storm.

but you turned my
blue skies grey and
clouded my vision and
i couldn't see that
you were not even half
the man i thought
you were.