In a training Tuesday the speaker said,"it's time to burry the old you."

I disagree.
Don't get me wrong, there are days when I look at the old me with disgust. When I'm perplexed at the lows I've hit; but I'm not able to grow with my old selfs carcass 6 feet under. I need that **** placard on the wall of every room I go into. I need  that daily  reminder of how far I've come and what drove me. I need that for the days when I'm struggling to be a good teacher, a good aunt, daughter, girlfriend, friend, human. Naturally, there are still days I smash that plaque and want to use the shards like old habits; now I have the skills to turn that weapon into armor. I use that as a reminder of who I'll never be again: supine, mute, contentious, belligerent, a victim.  I have learned to admire every part of myself including the old me. I learned to sit with the uncomfortable parts. Like my good friend always says, growth isn't linear. So yes, when you snicker at me with contempt, I still want to show my ruthless side, but I don't.  When I see you engaging with my abusers, I become furious  and distraught.  I simultaneously want to cuss you out and cry as I remind you what's been done to me, but I don't.
instead I drive home to my wonderful man and my obstinate cat, and I let my old self remind me what I have is enough. I am blessed to have this life I've created and the people who were in my corner the entire time 🖤

I have manic days when everything is okay.
My life's finally on track.
I wake up smiling, at ease, my brain is finally on my side for once.
I look in the mirror and I see in the reflection every kind thing anyone has ever said about me.
My eyes are so stunning, my skin, radiant and alive, a smile that could take anyone's pain and replace it with hope.
You are kind, you're strong, you're so ******* brave.
My skin glows as if it's never been dimmed by the shadows.
My pride swells and burst out of my smile as if I've never known shame.
Repeat after me:
I'm happy. I'm so ******* happy.

And then I leave the bathroom and that person left me just like the last.
I lay back down and my bed screams secrets loader than the neighbors that hear them.
I try again.
I shower, I brush my teeth, I curl my hair, I fix my face.
Surely this will give the illusion that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I didn't just use my tears to lather the soap, that my flesh isn't a auditorium for my problems, and that i am as strong if not stronger than the depression that seeps through my poors and into my bloodstream.
That I'm not just some broken little girl searching for glue in a house of water, That I am more than a museum of every guy who's pried between these thighs, That I have more to offer than "maybe a 6" on a good day.

So I get dressed.
I put in my contacts and I put on my rings, i go outside, I smoke a cigarette,
I breath the toxicity in, and let ..some of it out.
I wonder to myself if this is all okay, if I'm okay, if I'll ever be okay.
I manage to strike up a plea bargain with myself.
one time use, just for the day.
If you need to cry again, go,
But cry hard, hard enough to break down these ******* walls of self doubt.
If you need to scream, scream, but scream so loud that there's no room for other voices.
But if you need to smile, baby girl you smile.
Let it be the smile that takes your pain and turns it into hope.
Let it brighten up your life like Armageddon, and you ******* run with it.
You're aloud to smile.
You're aloud to cry, to scream, to hurt.
But you can be happy.

I can't bring myself to talk to you.
I don't know if its from fear of pushing you away, or fear of differences.

When I ask you what you want, I ask with uncertainty, and I'm certain I sound as weak as I feel.

My voice shakes because I don't quite know the proper way to spew my vulnerable side.

Laughing comes easy, but true emotions stay inside, against my will, but my will is shy lately.

I want you to know my thoughts, I just don't know if you want to, and asking feels unnatural. So instead I lay here writing as usual, while you sleep.

A wave rushes over me when he smiles, yet I can breath better than I have in years.
I can't quite explain the why's to him, or myself for that matter, but I feel they'll work their way into the equation.
Like right now, I'm laying here writing about the man sleeping next to me. Instead of wrapping my arms back around him, I pour my soul into words to discover what it is about his man that has me writing in the first place.
I'm not so cliché to simply say his smile, his arms wrapped around me, his kind eyes.
There's so much more to it.
Behind his smile lies truth of his past, with smiles come hurt, come pain.
It's not just the embrace thats got me, it's the way he pulls me closer while he sleeps but doesn't remember it later. The way he knows when I need touch and when to simply breath with me.

The way his moles run constilations from his ear to shoulder, while his heart beat beats life into them.

I go to work each day to tiny hands and welcoming smiles, I claim to have seventeen. I tend to live vicariously through my preschoolers and my brothers four.
I spend my week in the busy classroom, and then my weekends engulfed with them too. But I go home alone.

Most days I'm okay, I'm strong, I'm confident, I'm okay.

I lay here this Saturday morning listening to the crunch of tiny cerial bites, and the quiet murmer of the Lego cartoon making a Melody I've often begged for but never told a soul.
I lay in bed, the three of us, and watch quietly as he stretches and rolls my way, he wraps his tiny arms around my arm and pulls me close. Unbearable, yet I contort and mold to his liking. Your wish is my command, say and I'll do.
And then it's 7:30 and I grab my purse. I pull out a little white pill and my mouth is instantly dry, unwanting. I reluctantly swallow it and lay back down.
And then your dad opens his eyes and they meet mine, and just like that I'm fighting tears. I close my eyes in an attempt to fake sleep, I roll slightly so my tear trickles to the pillow without a trail.
I don't even know how to start that conversation, or if I should, so I write.

Its so much easier searching Google or Pinterest looking for the perfect quote to effortlessly upload to the world.

So much easier letting another speak your words you can't seem to ever find.

So much faster to copy and paste, than forge your own complex emotions onto paper; no take backs, no rough draft.

So much harder to find the words that feed your soul, that truly illustrate your passions, your desires, your wants, your needs, your love.

This poem is for all the quotes that just don't suffice, for all the poems that aren't raw enough to deliver your missive. The ones that barely scratch the surface of your iceburg:

I don't have a problem with love; I love lots of things; I love babies and puppies, thunderstorms and laughing.

I love my job, my coworkers and kids, I love their tiny hands and developing brains, I love their arguments, and their ten second future careers. 

I love ten second future careers.

I love dancing and singing, I love being surrounded by trees that reach the skies and long walks on the beach where there's nothing around for miles.  

I love being uncomfortable, I love learning, I love awkward feelings of vulnerability.

I love being scared, but the kind of scared where I know I'm safe, but I allow my self to forget.

I love allowing myself to forget.

I love cliché and cheesy, I love pick up lines, and jokes that make your stomach hurt from laughter. Don't get me started on vulgarity and cursing; they're my drug of choice.

I love risky conversations and dark secrets, almost as much as I love life stories and scars. Man do I love scars! The narratives, the memories, the reminiscing.

I love reminiscing.

I love silence and I love noise, but mainly the kind of noise that echos joy and content. The noise that feels like home. The noise that eases my nerves like gabapentin never could.

I love meaningless drives and getting lost, or at least trying to, and finding myself in unknown territory that takes my breath away.

I love things that take my breath away.

I love hearing of your love for your son and your daughter, and how because you're a dad, you can french braid.

I love asking random questions from your jar that let me know you sentence by sentence, as we lay on your bed, just us in the room.

I love when it's just us in the room.

I love the feelings I get when I read your book; knowing that your hands have flipped these very pages.

I love staring at you while you strum your guitar and you smile sheepishly as I record you for later. I love watching your hands slightly tremble with everything you touch. 

I love everything you touch.

See, I know what love is. I know how to love, I know what to love, and who. I don't need help to love, or motivation, or reason, or rhyme. 

I'm a lover.

So if I slip, if I fall flat on my face and spew love from my pores, flicker love off my tongue, don't run. Don't be burdened with the fear of breaking my poor heart, or hurting my soul.
us lovers have enough love to balance out the pain, we have enough love to share and hoard all the same. 

So when I call you my lover, or love, or heaven forbid, say I love you, know that's part of my identity, it's my mark on the world, my rendition  on Charles Bukowskis words, "if you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start."

-kyla Goodson

Headphones on and blaring
My hips sway effortlessly to the beat
Eyes closed but alive
this melody has me
the lights exit through the door
And reality soon follows
My body is entranced
Oh how I miss this
no limitations, no influence, no eyes
Just me and my stage
Left foot, right foot, hips, legs, chest
No worry, no fear, no sorrow
Just rhythm, the bass, the melody

Words are only temporary comfort in this game of life
Inevitably disappointing people for centuries
So spare me of your indecisive nature
I've no need for vague interactions
no urgency to ponder the possibility of love
This soul is free of uncertainty
Free of vulnerability, obligation, pain
Time surely is the syringe of life
constantly injecting insight into my universe with grace
Creating tolerance and understanding
But never denying me of my independence
I wasn't manifested to run from my problems
Merely molded to coexist wildly wielding imperfection
leave this modest mare to her enclosed meadow
You stallion are much too wild and free to remain captive
I'll not be held responsible for taming your soul
If you wander coherently into my territory
I'll insist fate takes charge
But might I remain graciously instinctive
and resistant to faulty desires
I will not fear love, instability, my mind, or temporary comfort
Nor will I fall victim to temporary confort, my mind, instability, or love

I'm not begging for your affection
and i'm not prepared to pry
I don't have the tolerance
I'm not scared to say goodbye;

careful what you wish for
I might just turn around
I'm no queen of goodbyes
But I'll surely wear the crown;

Push me further from you
Im compelled to walk away
I'm not here for silly games
if I'm not welcomed, I won't play;

The bull in me is wielding horns
Not scared to strike the guests
honey you just need to leave
Before he gets upset;

Sometimes a girl's best option is to just keep everything to herself

You found me
Heart of abuse turned peaceful
Eyes of disgust enlightened
You winged me into security,
then played off my vulnerability like a scavenger
Peeling my walls down like flesh from a carcass
You reeled me in like the catch of the day
hook attached, you left me dangling with the hope of repair
As you caught a one way to California
The days that followed brought your beasts with them
Gloomy deceitful minions of broken trust
Your "love" had evaporated just as quick as the oregon wind blows
Making me regret every ounce of compassion I'd given you
despising the sincerity I had offered
Regurgitating every lie you'd bestowed upon me
However, with every passing day my memory of you fades
No longer do I cry over your cowardly decisions
There is no hate or grudge held within my soul
Soon enough I realised I'd never loved you
I was faking contempt with every kiss, every hug, every word
& my heart secretly craved your absence
months have passed without heartache
I've doused my wounds in gasoline and set your memory ablaze
regained that fire in my eyes that you once so carelessly saturated with tears
There are many that patiently waited for my return
Finally my golden emeralds are cleaned of deceit and deception
I'm done searching, waiting, and hoping for my happily ever after
I am my happy ending
I'm the best architect and gardener I know
Continuously rebuilding myself after demolition
& Replanting my roots to fit my desires
Repairing cracks, sowing holes, stemming leaves from ashes
I've been reborn.

Undying fascination
inevitably intriguing
Hush my thoughts with your vague interest
I'll play you out to be charming
the night burns through my eyelids
Igniting my thoughts once more
dousing fear with fire
Flames dance effortlessly in a rhythm I understand
ripping away my colossal facade
Reeling emotions back in before worries **** life.

Disaster & heartache, but it doesn't stop there,
it's thought of & preached, but who really cares;
the poor, the rich, the white boys & thugs,
we're all the center of the joke to stereotypical punks;
but if you reach to the bottom & search for the meaning,
all this *******'s based on fixations & ludicrous teachings;
we follow their viewpoints just to prove that we're able,
but the "American Dream" still isn't stable;
poverty & exigency run like the rest,
like the men in the sky, with bombs strapped to their chest,
If you believe them, you're already trapped in their game,
They say you've got personal freedom, yet you're all raised the same;
nobody wants the reality, but they've defeated all hope;
when alliance is offered, the conversation is broke;
we spend all this time on building up "life",
we forget the meaning of whats wrong & whats right;
few still have givin qualities, hope they hold on til death,
cause others were proved cowards when faced with the test;
Unlike the hundreds who fight for our rights,
when they offer you honesty, you turn out the lights;
sincerity at its finest, benignant and pure,
while some just watch, others establish a cure;
but to think, thats only a nick on the board,
what bout the billions needed, but forced out to war;
but we let it all go, "****, it never happened to me,"
allowing yourself to only feel what you see;
thats cowardly, what if the next to go was a friend,
would you blow it off, step up, would you defend;
like dictators in the past, civilizations reaching the end,
but that doesn't stop ignorance from reeling um in;
all the lies and propaganda is their key to success,
i laugh at the fools who fail when faced with the test

Kylagoodson-