being awake hurts.
                                  If i could stay asleep life would be peaceful.
each day causes new pain.
                                                I dont remember what happy actually feels like.
i am so alone.
                          Yet im surrounded by so many people.
its always a game.
                                  Happiness is found and then crushed in moments.
life is cold.
                      I just want to be held and feel safe.
being awake hurts.
                                   let me stay asleep.

this is where it started.
everything went as planned.
until she couldn't fake it,
she turned and ran.

things began to fall apart,
slip through her hands
until she couldn't hold on to it
she turned her back.

never were things perfect,
never had they been.
but things seemed to be destructing,
she stopped and cried again.

a wall was built,
no one let through.
until the walls began to crack.
she stopped and wept.

this is just the beginning...

if you could see inside my thoughts you would be disappointed in me.
you'd tell me I was being stupid and reckless and that i need to grow up.
and i know i am but thats exactly what i wanted to happen, to be reckless.
you think im childish im sure, and are probably fed up with my problems.
but i feel so helpless and as if i dont really have a choice in how i feel lately.
wish you could see that you're the only person that i actually trust completely.
you've broken a barrier that no one else has one that will probably never break again.

seems like i always fall short.
that I'm always messing up.
and yet you still can love me?

its a fact though,
that i turn and run directly from you
and yet you still wait for me.

i see it happening.
I see me deliberately disobeying.
and yet you forgive me.

it makes me so sick.
to think what pain I've caused.
and yet you never give up on me.

It been a while since I've been like this.
Being apart sure was bliss.
But now you've come back sinking in again.
Back deep inside where you began.

I don't really understand
I'm actually quite confused.
Thought I'd started walking in a new pair of shoes.
But here you are and here I stand.
Depressed, sad, and so alone again.

I sit alone in my room
Uninterested in everything facing certain doom.
It makes me hate myself that I can't control
The urges to cry even in a room full.

I stand in the shower
So people don't know theyre tears.
When you live in a dorm it becomes a fear

Hide your problems act like it's alright
Just make it through the day make it till night
In darkness you can cry but silently
Because tears give relief even while roommates sleep.

None of them know what's raging on
The fight I'm fighting to stay strong
I do my best to smile and wave
But sometimes it's not possible sometimes it fades.

I'm not always wanted.
so when you mess with me im haunted.
of what happened last time.
when I gave love a try.

He said he would never treat me different.
He lies, there is no steady current.
I'm easily broken.
Please leave those words unspoken.

It may sounds swayed
but I really am afraid.
of losing another friend.
one which I will defend.

See I've been here before.
and truthfully I'm still sore.
from the fall that I took
when he gave me the look.

so let me know.
is it so.
are you just a disappearing romeo?

there was a day
i
got
sad.
But it stayed.
since
then
it
stays.
Theres always something
giving
it
a
reason.
  

to                                 STAY.

let it be silent so that I can hear my thoughts.
there is a constant mumbling of unrecognizable words.
I know im supposed to hear and understand but nothing is making sense.

invisible is a good way to describe what I am.
people have made a lasting impression on me that i want removed.
everything was a waste because as quickly as things appear they are gone.

sinking slowly into a hole that is being dug beneath me by faces I know.
soon enough ill be suffocating from the dense black dirt they throw down on me.
maybe they assume ill grow into something better.

lost out in a field of tall grass i cant see over.
only 10 feet from freedom but blinded and turn towards certain isolation.
without hope im abandoned.

sleep is the only comfort available recently.
because its the closest I can be to death without making a commitment.
flirting with death each night, but playing it like a game as I have been many times.

i find release in you.
i find securety in you.
i find life in you.
i find peace in you.
i find me in you.


you found me broken.
you found me lost.
you found me beaten.
you found me dying.
you found me hopless.


he accepts me bruised.
he accepts me crushed.
he accepts me scared.
he accepts me hated.
he accepts me all.


you forget my fears.
you forget my mistakes.
you forget my sins.


he loves me always.
he loves me today.
he loves me yesterday.
he loves me tomorrow.
he loves me forever.



he, you,God

although its cliche,
i think people may gain something from my dismay.

if you really knew me,
you would know,
that i smile more times than not.
that i laugh at everything.

if you really knew me
you would know,
that i dont show emotion i keep it to myself.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i have anxiety
i am in constant worry of something.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i have been depressed
and cried alone.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i hated how i look.

if you really knew me
you would know
i always feel like a failure.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i thought about ending it.

but...

if you really knew me
you would know
that today i am saved by the grace of God.


if you really knew me.
you could see that im a different person
than i used to be.

so dont lose hope.
this isnt the end.
the lights at the end of the tunnel
you just have to get back to it again.


you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
a fact not opinion.
you are beautiful
Gods creation.

I'm that girl.
The one who tries to do it all on her own.
The one who acts like she's okay alone.
The one who puts on a mask that says happy.

I'm that girl.
The kind that is let down often.
The kind that needs to be heard.
The kind that is misunderstood.

Yea.
I'm her.

Today you told me you hate your parents.
They are suffocating and don't understand your wants and needs.

Things escalade quickly to boys.
At 14 you talk to 28 year olds who want nothing but your body.

Running away has become a habit.
When you're upset you take off running, and running, and running...

Houses you dont know are your haven.
You don't fear **** anymore you just accept it as rent.

You've been drunk before.
You broke into a house and stole some of their stuff.

You are broken inside.
I wasn't there, i've failed you, no one to help.

Today you tried to **** yourself.
you took the pills, your only vice for this hell you're living in.

Tonight I feel like a failure.
you almost lost your life...

please stop.


you cant keep this up.
we've watched you try before.

please give up.

do you like to get hurt,
do you like to hurt others.


please stop.

you've been confused.
this is not reality.

please just give up.


when has it ever worked.
when have you ever won.


please listen.

im your heart
im breaking.

it may seem sad to see her cry,
but really it helps her heal inside.

though the days go by slow shes not alone,
unlike the nights she spends at home.

scared to step out take a chance,
she hides all emotion before a second glance.

no one can see  how she hurts,
she wants to contain what fear lurks.

every night she cries herself to sleep,
wondering and pondering what she could keep.

you would think by now i would get it.
that history repeats itself.
and this this isn't going to change
anytime soon.

i bring it upon myself this pain
i let myself forget what its like to hurt
only to feel it stronger each time.

its as if im climbing a wall
every now and then i get a boost up
and then suddenly and strikingly i fall back
back farther beneath where i started.

ive been knocked down too many times
i dont want to stand back up.
for fear that i will just be shoved back down again and again and again...

im done
i give in.
i quit

its nights like these when i wonder with all my being,
if i will ever be able to rid my mind, my heart of you.

though most days i get through as easily as before,
but just like before i slip back into your unknown grip.

i dont want you anymore.

i try so hard to believe that you are better with her.
if it were ever possible to live a lie completely id choose that.

people say they understand how i feel but in reality
no one knows how i feel.

i dont want to want you anymore.

i refuse to continue this lifestyle.
loving someone that is loving someone else.

its okay though...
i understand...

is this what love is like,
to feel: pained, crushed,
bruised, beaten, broken,
torn apart, ripped to shreds.

im not sure how much more
my exasperated heart can
bear.

is this how its going to be.
to be: let down, used, looked
over, disregarded, invisible,
kicked, skipped over, unloved.

im through with this now. even
as i say it i know its a lie.
and a hole ill get ****** right back into.

all of me aches..
my heart no longer feels.
for now im crawling to the
next mirage of love only to find
it nonexistent.

I'm saving it for you.
people say I'm so innocent.
that I'm a goody-two-shoes.
because i had yet to kiss someone,
that that should be through.

I don't want to waste it.
its already been so long.
what goods it go give it all away.
what goods it to go that far?
i don't care what they say I'm saving my heart.

see they have lost already.
so many parts of their hearts.
from boy to girl and so on and on
trusting in something that hurts.
I'm saving it for you.

Not a minute passes that you don't consume my mind.
Im in constant agony with the thoughts that should not be mine.

This is a battle that I have fought for many years.
I have surrendered, I have lost to the mirrors.

Many say I have nothing to fret over, nothing to worry about.
Their words mean nothing though, there is always doubt.

People don't know how much this tears me apart, how it leaves scars.
It's as if there is a demon keeping my confidence behind bars.

I fear so much because of the effect this has on me.
It's a lie I continue to believe.

The things I have done to ease the voices...
Worst of all they were all of my choices.

The road Ive been walking is one without a finish line.
Because how can you win when youre dying.

I love you.
You love me...
...well the first line was right.

there will always be ups and downs.
like the waves in the sea.

contentment i now have found.
in a man i cant see.

its not faith when you peak.
seeing isnt believing,

love will come to those who seek.
but they also must be receiving.

You know that favorite toy.
The one that was the first picked,
and in pristine condition.
How it was perfect and beautiful.
Remember how it was loved.

But at some point it was broken.
Left on the shelf to collect dust,
and now its dirt, used.
No longer good enough as is.
It would have to be fixed.

Though fixing it comes at a price.
with out fixing it whats the use,
why keep it around.
It's worthless.

But it's not always the toys fault.
people play rough, cause it to be damaged.
it was pristine, it was perfect, it was.
Then it was used.

this is the way it has to be.
though im ever shaky and fatigued,
i do this in hopes of perfection.

but id rather feel weak,
id rather struggle,
than give up this control.

there is power in what i am doing,
there is strength with each meal i skip.
there is joy in hunger.

this time im not giving in.
i will continue to suffer,
because after all is not beauty pain..

or pain beauty?

I understand that you want to protect me,
that you don't want me to get hurt.

its time to face whats already in front of you,
I'm older than you pretend I am.

You control my every movement,
like I'm you're marionette.

Though the strings have been cut,
you continue to pull on me.

Do you realize at some point,
I will be in control?

i hate myself so much right now.
i just long to be good enough for someone...
anyone..
good enough for me.


i do not know what to do anymore im to the poing of collapsing.



please help me up,
help me out.
just help me.




I dont want to bother you with my sorry life anymore
youve done so much already...

im sorry that im so messed up and so broken

so destroyed..

i cant fix myself how can i expect you to fix me.
do i even want to be fixed?

does this suffering end?

how can this hurt?
                -its unbearable.
how can i cope?
               -no where to turn.
can this be dealt with?
              -only one way.
how can i survive
             -bleed out.
this seems to grim.
             -its unbearable.
i'm giving in.
             -no where to turn.
give me the evidence.
              -only one way.
of this pain i'm in.
              -*bleed out.

I am the master of charades.
I have you all fooled.
None of you would ever guess.
Guess that I'm falling apart.

I feel broken.
I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I feel lonely.
I feel afraid.
I feel like a ghost.

No one here needs me.
I am the back up.
I am acknowledged at most.
But disregarded in the long term.

I feel left out.
I feel ugly.
I feel fat.
I feel sad.
I feel like running away.

I wish he knew the pain, the things I feel.
I wish he knew the real side of me.

                         he doesn't . He won't.

I wish it was him with the broken heart.
I wish it was me cutting it apart.

                            it's not. I can't.

I wish he didn't enter my mind.
I wish I was flooding his.


I wish.
*I wish.

Im not a child anymore.
stop treating me this way.
Im old enough to do what
i want.

Do you realize ive gotten older.
do you see that i have changed
how do you expect me to grow
and learn when you have me on
short chains.


its sounds cliche but im old enough
stop trying to control my life.
you should understand what its like
you where here one point in life.


i thought i had your trust
but i guess just not enough
what have i done to deserve
such restrictions.
time is running out.

it is the only way to get you to listen.
it is the only thing that is mine.
it is the only way i am heard.

i sing to feel.
i sing to let it all out.
i sing to keep myself alive.

music has never hurt me.
music has always been there.
music has been the words i cant speak.

time.
thats what they say will make me better.
that i just need to wait it out,
but what if i cant make it...
      what if i am already crumbling
      then how does time fix whats already broken?

time.
thats what it took to end up here.
that is what i used to destroy myself,
what i used as an ali....
     partners in crime
     stealing my sanity, innocence, life.

and time.
that thing people say will solve all and any problem.
the essence of my demise.
      time betrayed me
       time wont save me.

Walk a mile in my shoes
See how long it takes.

Stumbling falling to the ground
While the earth starts to shake.

Spend a day with my friends
Drama, fun repeat again.

Growing apart in separate ways
It was as good as it could have been.

Live a life inside my mind
Figure out the real me.

Confused, lovestruck, mad, frightened
The one me you couldn't see.

Walk a mile in my shoes
See how long it takes.

I knew this would end badly.
I never expected it to hurt so much though.
My heart physically aches.

My days feels oddly empty without you.
Yet I see you every day at work.
I guess this is why they say not to get involved with coworkers.

You listened to me.
I listened to you.
You know more about me than even my family.

We took turns kissing each other.
This scared me, to be honest.
You were only my second kiss, but the first enjoyable one.

I miss our endless conversations.
Our rants about frustrating days and insignificant encounters.
Few things were held back.

Yet there are a few things you never told me.
They were for a different level of intimacy I guess...
You had more self control than I did.

I spilled everything about my life.
You know every messed up detail of my life.
I laid it out in the open and you didn't.. why didn't you

I guess I understand why not.
I messed with your heart and head.
I crushed everything that was there.

Now I think you hate me, or at least most of you does.
I think you also still like me.
I cannot get over you.

Why do you have to leave for an entire month.
The military keeps taking you away from me.
Maybe it's for the best.

I want you to fall in love with someone.
Someone who will not toy with your heart.
But I hate to see you flirt with other girls.

I feel like I am already being replaced.
How much did you really like me?
Or did you just like the challenge of trying to get some from the Christian girl.

I hate that I am so upset about this.
Why did I fall for you?
Why did I keep coming back to you?

You make me furious.
I want you to text me, or call me, something.
Even though I said we shouldn't talk.

I want your willpower to be weaker than mine.
I miss you Mike.

im worn out,
tired, destroyed.

im waiting for
the struggle to end.

this is more than
I think I can bare.

im losing hope
that ill overcome this.

I know you hear
my prayers.

but im the
struggle.

im the
solution.

im broken
and need you.

im worn,
tired, destroyed.

you're the something i cant escape.
      you're the secret that doesn't relate.
but a few know of you and your strength.
and how you tear me apart day by day.

keeping you hidden gives you more power.
   because in darkness you can devour.
everything that i am and are
you are what is causing the scars.

some may say your quite normal.
   though you are what makes me abnormal.
i know now i need to take the next step
to save me from this depth.

you are my ANXIETY
  everything that surrounds me.
stop making me worry
about things that aren't worthy.