three hours drunk
red eyed and haunted by a done deal.

hope's fall,
face-bound, salt-strong and pressed
in life's howling gale,
the strong man
and that whiskey glare.

she is
blood
in me,
but sees no map of mine,
no lines and no rail
to the life that she lives here.

our place, in me, unchanged:
by years,
by time,
by this strange roaring sea
that bears a shipwreck'd span.

sleep, love,

sleep.

...never spoken...
...and never heard.

in that bitter black,
rolling and fumbling
with hopes' bloodied fingers
tugging at strings of dead love
in daylight's gutless glare,
eyes looking inward,
lightless and ******.

what did you think, girl?
that the curve of your back
would blind me to that
slack in your jaw?
that your mouth-hanging oh-so-clever
would leave me dumb with desire?

well, good for you, ******.

here i am, near two years down
and **** your ****** eyes and

yes

i still choose you,
poor brainless dumb-**** girl,
you and your legs,

and that

long

sweet

soft

sweep

of your dark neck,

darlin.

it's late
but i'll drink to you darlin
cos it falls me to sleep
with you in my arms

we think the world will take our shape
and sense our dream
and make it,

rearrange our hearts
around our fear.

but street corners glare
and neon spits
at what we could have been,

stupid girl

you and ******* i.

**** you.

once upon a time.

wide-eyed
forgotten islands of self
reef-starved
rose again from oceans blue
and deep

songs flame in farewell
and god
these skies.

i have seen a sun rise within me
that i'd thought long dead
still
and mute

and whilst beautiful tragedy,
thick with mockery
sinks this sun slow to sea's end,
distant wonders
gold and glowing and
gone
reign yet.

night's charcoal blue
and shores ember strokes
may keep me a while
but sleep is a seaborn breeze
stealing in from hope's
now-dark
and stolen horizon.

there is no end
to this life.

steeped in gin
and with seaward sight
i find this tide
pulling
dragging
my faltering feet
back to the sea
my deep rich and ragged love.

i fall
face to the salt wind

and drown.

this love of mine,
forged in dark days
and silent nights,
salt-rusted and bent
with night's cold.

let me be
love.

let me be.

i close my eyes

and the world roars into silence,

still filled with an inward sight
and long cascades of thought,

regardless

and pure

and her.

wonder

and glory

and sun-brightened days

of her.

always there,
a long distant pulse
pushing in white against the surface of my skin.

my heart's red may never break within you,
but the surf roils
and roars
and the sand shore sighs.

circling and rolling
red-rich in hands never held
i feel the ghost of you,
distant,
on that thousand-mile coast

still wishing
still knowing
another's arms wrap'd round
yet with you on mine

disguised
ink-white
and mistaken for a scar

like all the maps of the heart.

slight, and sunset-slow
she moves,
a liquid in my night's heart.
dark hair a drift
in black tides of love long lost.

months and days and hours
and the never-known hand.
a sweet time
imagined, this day
this hour, this moment

and reaching for that hand once more,
gin-soaked and grieving,
this once-was love
falls,
slow
and clear.

chords lost,
bright
and sharp.

and coda.

and breathe.

this love that was
went,
quiet, unnoticed.

legs pushing down,
ahead, always ahead,
rain-faced and salt shed.
wheels,
and wheels,
and wheels.

always there,
you
and i
and all that never was,
and i a fool.

i miss that fall.

my autumn heart,
my long road.

this is the beat
of a track run to twilight.

the thudding heart.

the lurching breath.

the finish line a flinch.

honey words
thick and rich and sweet
still
silent
and whilst bold
without hope's soft push

gentled by beauty
and golden-thick and wide,
sunset's glance and
my timid eye
'mid burnt bronze
eucalypt slow,
heavy-lidded
and head low

steeped in gin
and with that seaward sight
i find this tide
pulling
and dragging
my faltering feet
back to the sea

my deep, rich, and ragged love.

i fall,
face to the salt wind

and drown.

my soul needs the salve
of hard liquor
because
hope
is thin on the ground tonight.

there is love in my heart,
an ocean, tides red, deep, and strong.

but the chart to this sea, i hide.
needs must.

these waters are hard to find
in such as i.

this black burns
and drunk days find their feet
my sweet heart
full, still
but beating blood, and strong

in that burlap sack
that held a dream
the light got out
quick and fast
threads and fibers of love
spun gold, blinding bright, but brief.

sun set
momentary
and gone.

you'll always be there
a long distant pulse
pushing in white against the surface of my skin
my heart's red may never break within you
but the surf roils and roars
and the sand shore sighs

circling and rolling
red-rich in hands never held
i feel you, distant,
on that thousand-mile coast

still wishing
still knowing
another's arms wrap'd round
with you on mine
disguised
ink-white
and mistaken for a scar
like all true maps of the heart

enfolded arms
and the fool falls away
a moment of peace
autumn-warm
soft and gold and tan
and sun
the spilling trees
raining light and life
and my rich heart
heavy with loam
and the soil of a rumbling heart
seasons wide

in this blasting light
i know myself as flawed
drunk and broke
and a heart fallen to shadow

teeth bared is the smile
and raised hands?
fear or fist

and so many doors
to quietly close.

to give is all
and this world is
a beautiful torture because of it.

love's gift
found
and paid for these too-many ways
and in the knowledge that it must be given
and only given

because to hold
and to have
is to squander the gift.

love held this ground.

and just for a time
i laughed
and i died
and i rose again
because of you.