My birth
Was a natural disaster
With each breath I took in this new world,
A hurricane ravaged cities and left people homeless
Each beat of my heart sent earthquakes that destroyed buildings
And made houses collapse.
I'm sorry if it seems I'm complaining of minor inconveniences
I am not strong in ways where I'm able to handle each swing life takes at me
I will fall to my knees at the faintest gust of wind because with each breath I take
And each day that goes by I grow closer and closer to giving up
Please put me out of my ******* misery so I never have to be pitied again
I can't breathe anymore because someone's sitting on my chest
And their knees are digging into my sternum as I gasp for air
I can't leave my house anymore because once I do
The Earth begins to crack below my feet
I know it must sound as if the world have given me the short straw and
Sometimes I believe it not only feels as such
But is as such.
It is not the I feel just in my contempt
It is simply that it devours my soul until all that is left is deep dread
That sunk its roots into my skin
And polluted my veins.
I can feel nothing but the digging.
Like I am riddled with termites that scream unto me
"You are a waste."
It is merely unfortunate that
I have come to believe them.

YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SLICED MY VEINS
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SOILED MY NAME
I'VE LOST SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I ONCE LOVED BECAUSE YOU'VE SPREAD LIES TO TEAR ME DOWN
I SLIPPED FROM OUT OF YOUR GRIP AND AS PUNISHMENT YOU CAME TO MY HOME AND SLEPT IN MY BED
YOU TOOK ME TO SLAUGHTER BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR WAY
YOUR RAN MY HEAD THROUGH THE MUD AND LEFT ME TO SUFFOCATE
******* FOR RIPPING EVERYTHING I LOVED FROM MY FINGERTIPS
I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR AND I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR SO LONG BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH
JESUS CHRIST, YOU TOOK EVERY YEAR WE SPENT TOGETHER AND PAWNED THEM FOR POCKET CHANGE
EVEN THOUGH I ASK FOR SO LITTLE I GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM YOU
NOT THAT I'D EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.
SO GO AHEAD AND DEMONIZE ME, IT'S WHAT YOU DO BEST.
JUST KNOW THAT ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE THROUGH YOUR SMOKE AND MIRRORS
AND REALIZE YOU WERE THE TRUE VILLAIN
ALL ALONG.

I count the stars each night before I lay to rest
I try to connect the dots between the freckles on my skin
I run my fingers over my scars like they’re ink on paper
Unable to be erased, and scribbling them out would only make them appear more obvious
I wish I could forget myself even for a little while
I wish to pluck my heartstrings and release the song I’ve been keeping inside of myself for far too long
The intense pressure that would be lifted from my being would be enough to allow me to fly
If only.
I wish to float in an ocean of dreams without sinking to the bottom
Or becoming seasick.
I wish the sun wouldn’t blister my skin
In the same way that your love does.
I wish the ringing in my ears would cease even just for a second so I could peacefully listen to the song I’ve had drilled into my skull for days now
I just want to get it out.
As fall arrived I remember feeling such a dread deep in my bones as I realized it would not be an easy one
Like a blanket falling over me I was covered in goosebumps with alcohol surging through my veins as my bloodshot eyes opened their gates and the tears started to flow
I just wanted to lay in the grass with crumpled leaves in my hair and count the stars as I took my last breath
I feel like I wasn’t asking for much.
I just wanted the air flowing through my lungs to cease like the aftermath of a mid-october hurricane
And I wanted to feel my heart slow to the point where it emulated the drums of that song I couldn’t get out of my ******* head no matter how much I tried to muffle the sound
But I wasn’t so fortunate.

These days I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that everything nasty in the world isn’t all of my own doing
   And it’s been more and more difficult allowing myself to breathe easy because it seems the world is collapsing around me and I’ve caused the crumbling of every last brick
   Though my screams are lessened because I’ve been drowning for days the water doesn’t cancel the sound
   And it’s so deafening that it makes babies cry and tides turn and hurricanes begin to form in my eyes as an earthquake destroys a settlement with each step I take
   I’m afraid of waking up in this cruel world and setting off volcanic eruptions instead of fireworks
   My throat is filled with thorns and they tear my flesh with every breath I take and I’m tired of the blood pooling in my stomach to the point where I can’t think of roses without feeling nauseous
   I’ve tied my stomach into knots that I don’t know how to undo and my hands are shaking too much to even begin to try in the first place
   So I don’t.

One becomes acquainted to a certain way of life if lived in long enough
The most tragic of these circumstances being a found comfortableness in misery
When tears become routine and shaky hands are a custom
This is where home resides.
Light and love turn into foreign enemies against our comfort as we push away the people and things that mean to help
Ending in our personal isolated hell.
We find ourselves having rather cried ourselves to sleep than feel an ounce of joy rip through our walls
Happiness is so stiff and awkward it becomes an unwanted dinner guest and we are forced to realize that if we choose to get better we must feel quite a bit worse
And this is far more difficult than finding content in our cold misery.
The sum of the former is surely greater in value
Though it comes at the cost of our comfort.
We must trade goosebumps for smiles and tell ourselves it’s worth it
Even though it very well may not be.

i was awake at three in the morning with stomach pains that could bring someone to their knees, all because i was thinking of you and your all but kind words

i can’t do this anymore
i don’t want you in my life

your words were sharp like knives and I was bleeding out through my eyes, clutching my stomach as both my cheeks and my pillow case were wet with your daggers

yousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulo­vedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyo­ulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousai­dyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyou­saidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedme­yousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulove­dmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoul­ovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedme

i felt my internal screams escaping my lungs with each sob and eventually i was unable to breathe as i wept for our secrets shared and dreams made

falling from a cliff would be less painful than this.

I know you told me to call you when I felt I wanted to die
But god, I can't let you see me cry anymore.
Because I know you can't hold my hand
And I know you can't kiss my cheek or wipe my tears
And that kills me.
My hands may be shaking
And my heart may be aching
But I just don't want to be a problem anymore.
I know you said you still loved me
But I know it's not in the way it once was
And that too, kills me.
But I'm trying
God, I'm trying
To not dream of growing old with you
To not wish to be yours
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
God, I feel annoying just writing this
I'm sorry to keep bothering you this way
I'll go.