darling, there will be days when our cheeks are slicked wet from the rainstorms within our hearts, when i will be rendered unable to disengage from the safety of my blankets, when i will ask for you to hold me until i no longer feel as if i am breaking.  there will be nights when i smoke countless cigarettes until my throat is ragged & it is easier not to speak, when i will not allow myself to eat because i believe i do not deserve it, when i will call long after you have fallen to sleep, desperately seeking your voice through the static because i am afraid i will forget the way it resonates in my eardrums.

but even this certain pain, my love, my own one, will make us better.  you will see me destroyed & vulnerable, flawed with need.  we will strip each other bare to our truest of selves & fall in love with that sheer beauty beneath.  i give you my undying adoration, the ever-present reaching of my arms, my boundless, uncontained love.  

you are the spark of stars illuminating my night sky, you are coursing with urgency through my bloodstream, you are everywhere & our time is now.  i will love you fragile.  i will love you strong.  
oh darling, i will kiss your fingertips each & every night before together we dream.

Skinhead
super short
military hair
with a strong jawline
jutting out

I saw you
One random
blindingly hot afternoon
In a jeep

I tried to squeeze in
the small space so the two guys
could scoot over

You’re the guy to my right
Reluctant to pass to the driver
my exact change

You sat upright
Your right arm lifted, hand
closed on the security rail

I could only see your profile
Your jawline and Aviators
Mouth set in a deadpan line

Lean, quietly confident
Dressed casually and carefully
Odd eggplant-colored shirt over
whitewashed jeans

You turned slightly,
your nose strong
chin dignified
skin clean, with slight
blemishes of stress
Pretty eyes
That never landed on me

Your lips slightly curved
as if remembering something

You are beautiful
Arrogant-looking
Bored
Worldly

You’re not from here
Not from common places
Not from this wretched community I belong to

Then my eyes traveled to the back of your head,
An inscription was tattooed
at the back of your skull.
Your hair growing, beginning to cover up
the past?
A dangerous past?
New life?
A mere change of look?

Where are you going?
Where are you from?
Why are you taking this route
to and from common places?

What is your agenda
on this high afternoon?

Are you a rockstar?
Are you a poet
A gangster?

Then finally it’s my stop.
I got up and wished you
were following behind
That we have the same destination
Just so I could look at you
in full view

I stepped into
the sad, bright afternoon

Then I turned around
You’re not there

You sped away
To some place
Some life
With your Aviators
And your principles


And it hurt
That I never even
knew what
your tattoo meant

I am to you one of the hundreds of leaves you pass by on the sidewalk
I am to you a second glance at something halfway wonderful
Never will i be a line in your favorite song
Never will I be the book you don't want to end
And Never will I be enough
Not
   Even
       For
    m
    y
    s
    e
    l
    f

191 days later and not one goes by without
a hint of you floating through my mind
You still swim around the canals of my head and you're tearing at the walls but there's no way out
I can't tell if This is heaven or hell but
I hear your voice in everyone around me and I feel your grasp with every brush of a shoulder
I ran away every chance you gave me
it's what I do best
but I find myself running towards you in my sleep
And I know you love the chase but everyone knows you can be lazy
I'm wondering what you're doing and if I ever creep into your thoughts but I know you've  left the yellow brick road long ago

2:52 am and I confuse streetlights
for the sun
This cold breeze violently rattling
my bones is that of Sunday mornings and fever dreams
I can barely make out the outline of
your cracked lips in the foggy haze of
that old basement
but it's the only permanent thought
in my head
that doesn't **** me
One after one
I drink you down until I am far enough
away from my mind to let go
They say night is for the lonely-
and as I watch you smile and walk away,
I remember why

It
took me
losing everything
to finally realize how
much something as small
as a scrambled egg could make  
a difference in the way
you look at people,
nature, things,
even joy
Fin.