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Kristina Carmela May 2018
I try to make myself feel small
For the times
When people stare
For the times
When I would have to ask
To use a different size of chair

I try to keep the judgments of others
Locked within the dressing room
I could not use
Since the racks are all without an X
Except an overrated pair of shoes

I try to say I am not in hunger
Despite the crying of my gut
To hear people telling me
To stop grazing
Thinking it would be easy overnight

I try to go to the gym
And beat my heart out
And bear some weights
Even until my limbs give up
No pain no gain they say

I try everyday
Even if others do not notice
Even if other do not know
For I am aware of the consequences
But I just hope my feats will show

After all the trying
What I believe is this
That it takes time to not be agitated
By the people who look like sticks

For the stones they kept on throwing
Compels me to continue to try
But not for the benefit of others
But for the life that I call mine
Kristina Carmela May 2018
I lay on my bed
At 9:05 PM
I think of my missing you
I think of you
Of where you are
Of who you're with
Of who you're thinking of

I formulate scenarios in my head
At 10:29 PM
One of you
One of me
One of the both of us
That one being happy

I cannot sleep
At 12:01 AM
I turn from side to side
Blanket on
Blanket off
Staring at the ceiling
Praying for a good night's sleep

Dreaming
At 1:42 AM
Smiles
Laughter
Love
Happiness
Contentment

Squinting eyes
At 8:16 AM
Trying to repel
The sun
The day
The truth
Reality
Kristina Carmela May 2018
There she sits with her thoughts drowning her.
There she sits with your judgements choking her
and stepping on her
and killing her.
You don't know how much your words are darting towards her with knives that are sharper than a needle.
It would be nice if the needle
is injecting morphine
but rather it is injecting death.
Death of an unwanted soul
that only ever dreamed to be wanted.
Death of a girl who kept on trying
and trying
to meet the standards of society.
But then even if she becomes the president of her class
or has the highest grades
it would never be enough to shield her from your never ending criticisms.
You say it as if it's a joke.
To you they are always just jokes.
But to to her those jokes are
shading away
the paths which she thought were always alight.
In the darkness under the clouds you have made from her sheding tears,
she bawls for understanding
which will never rain on her.
And while she lies on her bed
with monsters feeding
on her heart and mind,
you lie on yours sleeping soundly
with dreams of
rainbows and unicorns.
How can you ever sleep
not realizing the greatest damage
you have caused in a girl's mind?
How can you ever sleep
not knowing
that you have destroyed
her inner persona
and have shattered her dreams
right before her own innocent eyes leaving her with no choice but to
just watch.
What kind of a monster
can ever sleep with that?
What kind of a monster
can ever live with that?
Kristina Carmela May 2018
If we live with compassion then we might just save the world. But words are spoken without a second thought and actions are rendered without fear. And nobody gives a **** about how another person feels. Smiles are feigned yes, but a broken soul is hard to heal.
Kristina Carmela May 2018
Sometimes you just have to give up on your dream for the sake of others.
Sometimes you just have to cry because that's all you can do.
Your rivers of tears and your thunders of screams will just be that. They will never be felt nor heard. They should never be.
It's all about sacrifice.
Despite the pain and the loss of hope, you just have to keep going.
Because if you stop and let it all take over you, it too will take over the people you love.
Some take for granted the gift of choices.
They take for granted the mountains of dreams and possibilities that are right in front of them to climb.
While others, they can't see any mountains. They just have hills, or if not, plain flat fields. No chance of getting higher, no chance of reaching the top no matter how high they jump.
Kristina Carmela May 2018
There are two kinds of solitary moments in this world:
The first, giving yourself time to think your life through. The time to relax and rekindle your soul, the time to complete your personal to do list, the time to travel both physically and mentally, the time to embrace your own persona.
The second, having no one by your side to remind you that you are loved, to go out for dessert and have no one to share that cup of ice cream with, to witness funny moments in public and not have someone to laugh with, to see your reflection outside the glass door of a coffee shop and realize you have no one by your side to talk to via a doze of caffeine.
There are two kinds of solitary moments in this world:
The first, having yourself.
The second, having no one.
Kristina Carmela Apr 2018
For the unvarying reason for years and years,
I've shed the same old forlorn tears.
The pain I thrived to bury deep within,
Has not even reached half of the depth to begin.

I've prayed and prayed, for patience and faith.
That all these cries will not go to waste.
I smile, I laugh, I dance, and sing,
This sorrowful song with a common ring.

This sadness is not unique to the human heart,
For all have experienced the dull and the dark.
I gave my thoughts and kindness to the suffering ones,
Thinking that it was a cycle of love and not shame.

When the cycle returned to this patient soul,
I was astonished to recieve nothing at all.
But banging knocks of heartaches every night,
And decisions to just keep quiet and not fight.

For I thought that if I stay within my comfort room,
The bad will vanish and justice will bloom.
But it has not yet happened and I live with fright,
That this pain might just simply eat me alive.

But the presence of hope has shun rays upon me,
This certain light of love and loyalty.
I cannot do it alone, I cannot fight with no army.
And so a knight in shining armor has come to set thee free.

— The End —