somewhere out there is the town of people who’ve left me,
the town turned to city turned to clouds in the sea.
like a race you are losing watching people pass you by,
like a storm you are sinking while other’s start to fly.
the hole inside grows like a puddle in cold rain,
with deep layers of secrets lined with hot pain.
an agony born from the very first breath,
unaware that it was the first kiss of death.
brick by brick you lay your walls,
intention for protection
but you slowly start to fall.
the snow on the outside melts into fire,
because your frozen fear can’t bury desires.
the desire to be irresistibly loved is true,
to have someone look at you like their whole world is you.
but every day, every night,
lost in blind sight,
you pray to dear god,
‘I’ll do what you say.’
just please oh please spare me this day,
come into my kingdom and block their way,
anything oh anything just for them to stay.

I help you through hard times, as you do I
But you really don’t know how much I hide
Even though we are the best of friends
I really don’t think you can understand
I can’t bear the hurt, I can’t stand the pain
A feeling of numbness I can’t explain.

This is a life in which I walk alone
Full of hope shattered and broken
Always angry for no reason at all
Constantly wanting to end this brawl
Fighting with myself again, and again,
Sometimes I want this life to end

Mom’s depressed but chooses to hide
Takes out her anger on those by her side
Doesn’t understand I try to help
She shuns me out, and hates instead

Grandma’s enduring an unstoppable fate
sickness has gotten her on the plate
Its sad to see such an innocent person
Become another cancer victim

Too many friends are hurt as well
Thinking that their life is hell
Too many friends wanting to stop
Thinking suicide is the only option

But inside me is the worst of all
I don’t know how long I can stand tall
Memories of happiness are shooed away
But horrible twisted thoughts to stay

Nothing I do can make her proud
There’s no silver lining on her clouds
I’m a rainstorm filled with dark black skies
And a haunting rainfall full of lies
I only wish I could make her see
I’m trying hard so I can be
Someone she that can trust and love
Instead she tells me I’m not good enough
Everything I do is a wrong decision
She constantly tells me I’m not living
The path that she truly wishes I’d take
But I’m only one big mistake
If I could I’d erase myself from here
I wouldn’t have to live this fear

I also wish I could be skinny
And always happy, fun, and pretty
Instead I look at myself in the mirror
Disappointed in the reflection that appears
It’s hard to live when you don’t love who you are
Wishing that you could change it all

Every day I make a mental note
How much would I miss, if I decide to go
And how much hurt makes me lean towards the edge
Is slowly creeping up the hedge
How much longer can I last?
Before my life becomes one of the past

I remember when I met you
you were different to all of her other many boyfriends
we could talk about the things I liked
you liked them too.

Months after you and her had finished your chapter in life
you stepped into mine
you dazzled dizzied bewildered me
showed me that it was alright to like the things I did

You wrote poems
you made me feel special
I thought that you liked me
the way I liked you

Then you left for what seemed a thousand years
the night I found out about your new girl I didn't cry
I remained content until an excessive amount of alcohol brought out all the feelings
the words spewed out of me
the same way the varied assortments of drink would do later that night

We still spoke on occasion
we shared an embrace or two when we accidentally met in the street
I was still crazy about you
even though I was aware that you were crazy about her

You ignore me now
we don't talk
you cast me aside
like everybody else did

I think of you a lot lately
but not in the way I used to
If I ever had the pleasure of speaking with you again
I would remain silent
I have nothing to say to you

The only things I have are the memories of you
the arguments
the embraces
the exams

It's all over now.

I understand that everything I thought we had was all in my imagination
when you said you loved me you didn't mean it in the way I did
but I can't be with anybody else because I feel as if it should be you
I'd like to say you ruined me but you didn't
I've ruined myself
I'm so used to being in a state of heart break that I will put myself back there in order to feel comfortable

I want to forget you
in the same way that you've forgotten me
thrown me away
left me

I hope you never find out how much I cared for you
because it's embarrassing for me
I can't believe I ever felt that way about anybody
I let somebody through the hard exterior that I have
I pretend I have no emotion but you made me vulnerable
I let you in.

There was this girl --
she wasn’t just a girl
not just any girl

She was the girl
who looked at me different

She looked at me unlike
any other person
looked at me

Friends, strangers, my own parents
no, she looked at me differently

Not with disapproving eyes
not with disappointment

no contempt
no shame
no regret

Not even with wonder

or amazement

or excitement

When she looked at me
she didn’t see what I once was
or what I could one day be

She didn’t see past mistakes

or wasted potential

or squandered talent

She didn’t see goals
that were too great to achieve
or dreams that were abandoned
and never to be realized

She didn’t see the boy
that grew up too soon
or the man
that didn’t grow up fast enough

She didn’t see me lost
in the wilderness of my own doubts

my fears

my demons

She didn’t see me drowning
in the sea of my own self pity

my apathy

my bottles

She never saw any of those things

When she looked at me
all she saw was me
just me as I was
naked and bare
skin and bones and hair and nails

She saw me open and empty
waiting to be filled
and then emptied again

Somewhere in there she saw a soul
or at least the small spark of one
a soul that must have meant something
that must have been
worth sticking around for

It must have meant that I was there
that I was present
at least in some capacity
I cared
cared for her
for something
anything

Now I sit and wonder
what happened to the soul

I wonder where it went
where it could have gone
I wonder why it left
how it went away
what I did to destroy it

I must have destroyed it
because she doesn’t look at me anymore
there’s nothing left
for her to see

those eyes are gone
and I miss them

I should have appreciated them more
looked into them
reassured them

I should have figured
that one day
they wouldn’t be there
to look at me anymore

I just didn’t see
how tired they were
her tired eyes
tired of me

What I wouldn’t give for someone
to just look at me
like that again

if only just once
just for a second

She never saw any of those things
when she looked at me
and neither did I
when I looked at her

You asked me where
My home was and
I explained to you that rainy night
That my home wasn't a place but
A time in my life
When hope was around
Faith still here
The gun wasn't loaded
And I wasn't filled with fear

I like you, like I think you’re cute, like I wanna kiss you, like I wanna go down on you… Wait, sorry.
Hey, I like you like, I think you’re pretty, like I want us to get along, hey! I really like this song wanna dance? I like your tight pants, I don’t mean to stare it’s just kind of there like Wow, sorry that came out wrong, Hey I’m Esther, nice to meet you, cute shoes. Who knew converse would create this kind of tension. Do you watch Dr Who? You hate Moffat? Me too.
I’m sorry this is supposed to be a love poem and I’m blabbering,
Hey! I like you, like I think  your finger tips are spider webs the way you pull me in, Andrew Garfield, spider man, have you seen that one? I’m a huge fan.
Hey, I like you, like I think you’re cute, like I wanna  take you out on dates and hold your hand in parking lots and line ups, like your laugh is contagious and your eyes are outrageously beautiful.

You’re pretty, smiling eyes and nervous laughter, not quite caught up in the moment.
I’d sing you a love song; I’d walk ten thousand miles. I catch my breath when your lips part to smile.
Your eyes sparkle when you see something you love; I wonder what it feels like to be the subject of your stares? The object of your affection.
So, I think you’re adorable; it’s deplorable how much I wanna kiss you.
Hey Tight jeans! Was that rude? Because I can be crude, and kind of mean, in the sense that I say what I think and a lot of people say I’m forward…
Take me out tonight; the stars are just bright enough for me to see your features, I’d paint pictures of your hands if mine would just stop shaking. I’m afraid,
because you’re just a little bit older and more bold than I’d have expected you to be, but you see it’s not written in the stars that we should be together, here I see in your eyes that you’re excited because you don’t realize this poem is about you, you idiot.
See what I mean, I’m not cautious. Torturous really I couldn’t stand to see you saddened, because  you’re beautiful which is trivial, I mean a man who looks like you must know this right?
Do you like romantic? I could say your eyes are waterfalls and your temples are the gaps in the sidewalks where puddles huddle.
I want to get to know you, I want to hold you while it’s raining, straining to keep my eyes on the movie we’re watching but your face in the half light is ignited
Your nose is the bookmark in the middle of my favourite story, marking the points before the hero has to leave and after he’s realized he can’t stay.
I can feel your heart beating from where we’re dancing, every inch of your body, I’d memorize, your curves and lines like you were my times tables and I wasn’t ever able to get those down so I might have to go over them a few more times before you’re committed to memory.
But now, in the blissful morning after sunrise, you lie.
sleepily kiss my forehead and mumble “I have class”
and I spend the last few seconds before you leave my room admiring your a-
… eyes.