Why do women that i like
Always say **** like
"I like you , but I'm not ready for
something serious!"....right ....

Sounds like ******* to me
Cuz if she liked me she'd be
Ready, but instead she
Doesn't sag what she means

Cuz what she means is
"I think I'll wait for someone better"
Cuz I'm good enough to be
Friend zoned,  but she'll never

Admit I'm not good enough ever
Cuz I've seen this before
Some people get scared hearing
Gun shots but A closing door

Causes me way more horror
Cuz truth is the whole package
Doesn't consist of a fat body
Cuz I maybe cute but unattractive

Overall, so overhauled yet again
Is the familiar reflection
That personifies rejection
So I'll answer the question

Of why she doesn't like me
Cuz I'm a sketchers, not Nike
a no name handbag, when Gucci
Gets the coochi, so ***** likely

Will go to some ******* unlike me
With less heart to offer
who will take her for granted
But as long as he's hotter

Or makes money like a doctor
He's automatically above
I guess that's why I need drugs
The only substitution for love

To fill, what never will be filled
By a companion, cuz a bangin
Full gallery of Personality,, don't
Beat salary, so hangin

Like a man from a rope
as suicide takes air out his throat
Left dead, is my chance to advance
like I choke on hops

So of course back to dope
Is how I cope, but I know that
All I have to offer, isn't hotter
than the beauty of a 6 pack

Left wishing I was like crack
Like I was anything that stops me
From being inferior, like an exterior
Less inferior, so she'd want me

But like always all I'm wanting
Seems to just be too much
why can't someone want me
and not be , saying what she does

when she doesn't say
what she says , not saying it cuz
she don't wanna be rude and say The truth... I'm just not enough

She sits on the toilet seat,
in her washroom crying.
Holding a razor so sharp,
It could tear her flesh,

Until it causes her veins,
To slowly drain,
the unbearable pain
That stains...
just as the blood would.....
leaving a puddle,
Symbolizing her troubles
That she could no longer try to struggle with.

So as she sits on the toilet,
Hoping to cut herself,
Just like the knives did
when her friends stabbed her in the back.
She antagonizes herself,
to instigate and encourage,
What she sees as courage
To end an existence,
she feels Is worthless.
So on purpose,
She Forces out the memories,

The memories of all the love she gave.....
Never returned.
All the family who's backs turned,
All the people she loved,
Now lost, left in an urn.

She thinks of all the attention
She got from being fat,
And all the attention she did not get
because of that.

She thinks of all the times,
she was left to pick up the pieces
of her broken heart.

She thinks of all the lonely nights
She cried herself to sleep.
All the faded dreams
The insecurities that scream,
And the empty, broken promises.
She thinks of all the debt,
Being broke,
working a dead end job,
She busts her *** at,  
For a boss who constantly
degrades her.
Just so her parents can give her
a look of disappointment,
at every Holiday,
And family gathering,
That speaks in silence saying:

"Why did you drop out of college"
"Why can't you be more like your sister"

She thinks of all her friends,
Who got married,
and had kids,
And how she now stopped wondering
why no one loves her....
Because.....
How could they?

So she accepts,
What she feels, as true.
Feeling like she has nothing to offer.
Feeling like a constant failure who's
Only progression,
she stands possessing
Is waking up and not feeling the depression...
So she cuts,
Now Bleeding,
Frustrated with herself,
knowing it isn't deep enough.
Only to leave a scar,
Just like the other countless attempts that failed in the past,
When she sat,
on her toilet Wanting to die....
Til all that crosses her mind,
is the nauseating,
annoying, question:

"Can't I do anything right?"....
...all she wants is for the pain to stop.
All she wants,
Is to be free of the panic attacks.
Free of feeling like a burden
to those around her.
Free of the perpetual
pessimistic thoughts,
that now plague her,
As hopes of the manifestation
Of happiness,
Are gone,
and have only left her bitter.
So as she cuts again,
using more force,
She prays to a god
she no longer Believes in,
For the strength,
to be weak enough...
to end it...

Still crying,
And still denying,
That anything but dying
Will ever bring her
a piece of peace....

They taught us growing up
When violence was the topic
That it is not the answer
Only to see we support war for profit

Told to be yourself,
Don't follow the crowd, but fact
When u do so, and it's too esoteric
They say: "no! not like that"

Teach us not to bully, as if adults
Are above it like they lament
It's existence, only to see it occur
In workplaces and social events

Teach us tolerance only to find out
Tolerance only applies
If ur not religious, cultured, ugly,
a minority, trans gender gay or bi

Told they thought the earth was flat,
only to find out it's not
Now some say again it's flat,
and from the past ud think we got

The lesson this taught
Which is to stay open and stop
To question what we think we know
But still most never thought

To challenge the media, government,
what we're fed
And choose to be fools, give up our
Privacy, lemmings off the edge

Supporting a fight against terrorism,
that's a lie , cuz what
Is really going on is ulterior motive
Swept under the rug

As real issues like pharmaceutical
Drugs given by our own is most
Alarming as it's harming,
so many who now overdosed

So teach whats not taught
Cuz what's taught, has not
Taught us what independent thinking,
can bring and stop

The lies, before our demise
Implies what you'll find soon
As it's too late, at this rate
Which is we will be doomed

exasperated, emasculated,
So the negative connotations
From life's ******, molestation,
**** from this Annotation

emphatic, tragic confirmation
That my formations deformed,
so be warned, u won't be warmed                                                           ­                                                                by hearing I've conformed

To be socially Reformed
Reborn, no Solubility of scorn
No Altruism, so Imprisoned                                                       ­                                
is peace's vision, Forlorn

******, but pleasure like ****,
Isn't a focus, so like ****
I'm Unable to reject the amorous nature                                           
Of what will take place

But I fail as I try to placate
Or humorously play hate
But that's like calling *******
just an innocent play date

when we're ****** for pay day
Catching Freedom in an Infallible trap
Leaving memories, both enemies, and remedies,                                                        ­                                                     when flashing back

But without Omniscience, it seems
Only Predestination Is left
Wit bitter taste of self hate,accepting fate,                           
 now only death

can stop the new Aversion to breath
Causing a Discrepancy to remain
Some say lifes a gift to contradict
all i insist is inhumane

A reality based on haste, hate,
A purgatory Where narcissists
Prove that ignorance is bliss,
cuz happy Usually r ignorant as ****

Or maybe there's no correlation
and I just **** at curation
Maybe pessimisms Pervasion
Has damaged me for the duration

Of life never to vacation
From rigid Dichotomies like
Believing in prophets or profits
Or what's legal and wuts right

I use to have the opinion, that the worst affliction or restriction
Was the withdrawal symptoms
Of a chemical drug addiction

Until my hearts collision
Had me fall in love but didn't
Know the pain I would gain once
the aim of strains division

Smashed it, its like finding religion
Only to be horrified by the vision
That your gods path for u was different so u feel imprisoned

By the heartache Now given
Cuz at least a fiend can buy drugs
To help     with all the withdrawal
But the heart broke can't buy love

Or buy answers to why
When they ask as they cry
they are not good enough for the one who put the tears in their eyes

Needing a fix to get high, but the
dragon chased we learn
Isnt sold like gold, but still I hold
Onto the hope she'll return

I might need professional help
Or is it normal when your belt
Suddenly break when u mis-calculate
Your weight while hanging yourself

Or attempting, which like my dad tells
"I can't do anything efficiently"
I fail at everything I do ambitiously
And my Consolation: ..consistency

So again my wrists'll bleed
But scar it  leaves is nothing more
All it is, is what was hid, in a kid wit
wrists like a cutting board does

But those attempts cause floods
And moms **** about the tub
And toilets staying clean, so out
Of respect I await the bus

That's late, so my date was
Post poned, so I guess preparation
To jump infront of a bus splattered
Then scattered like decoration

Failed makin me impatient,for expiration So to the subway station
I go , Hoping this time'll be,
the final scene Where my destination

Will send me violently on vacation
Where depression no longer says
I'm not a voice in your head,
I'm just a choice that was lead

By the appeal of being dead
&sto;; wishing someone would love
Who I am, instead of hatin who I was
No more feelin, im never good enough

But as I edge closer a dumb *****
Good Samaritan complex witnessed
The inception of my intentions
then Crept in my business

But sayin I want to jump which I didn't
They would lock me up in an instant
Without a shoe lace&like; I'm two faced I lied with persistence

That I wasn't gonna jump, and
Quickly left disappointed
Now having to re-schedule wit Death, and make a new appointment

So I brainstorm, and aim for
A place my blood will stain floors
After my blood from veins pour
About suicide I'm **** as gay ****

////////

I can't believe after all the time spent
thinking bout How to host
And envision The Idea that had risen
To help my transition into a ghost

But as my mom yelled from another
Room make sure the garage is closed
When u leave, it came to me
And all I needed was a hose

So I laughed and said don't worry
Mom when I leave I promise
The garage will closed, I swear on my life, God I'm funny, so once I wrote

A rather humorous suicide note
That read: "See mom just like I said
When I swore on my life, the garage would closed Before I left"

I think she'll get a laugh from that,
I thought as one end of the hose
Was inserted into the tail pipe of the
Car id turn on once I closed

The garage, and inserted the other end in the window, and yes
I don't recommend giving up like me but for me I guess

Saying Goodbye cruel world let's
Me escape depression and stress
So the broken heart in my chest
Finally gets much needed rest

But did I die with success
So I can say: yes: I finally did
succeed, at something, but if so
Dummy I wouldn't be writing u this

How long do I allow myself
To punish me with
The self hatred I inflict
For the bad choices I picked

Nightmares usually end
When the person who slept
Wakes up, but when life is full of
Spite from regret

Happiness stays inept
Unsure of How long its kept
The shame we frame with blame
Stays longer continuing to affect

Any positivity to help you heal
As u feel invaded
By insecurity, and degraded by the
perpetual manifested self hatred

The negativity, the doubt, the
feeling of trying to scream out
But the tyrant insisted on silence
Cuz I'm undeserving of help

When will I let myself melt
All the pain and sorrow
All I want is to be a better person
Than I am today ,...tomorrow

I can feel, like what I deal
And dealt with what erupted
To manifest an interrupted
Mind state more productive

Is it a choice to free myself
Is it me holding me back
If so, maybe my soul That's
Full of holes can adapt

So I will promise to be honest
To myself and be true
Sometimes the biggest obstacle
You face in life is you ...