The following morn I was awoken

To find our bond forever broken

6:14 your heart stopped cold

Made weeping children of even the bold

Picture by picture, frame by frame

I cried in agony but death held claim

Over your life, and I screamed in dismay

"It just can't be your final day"

But realization dawned, slowly at first

Crying was pointless, but denial was worse

I could act as a child and pretend you weren't gone

But at 6:14, you died on that lawn

Then I saw the picture, the smashed twisted tomb

And a sickening silence fell over my room

I almost fell ill, I could not speak

I had just laughed with you the very same week

Yet there it was, clear on the screen

6:14, she died at the scene

Now emptiness haunts me yet I'm never alone

I feel you around me, all the way to the bone

And though I'm cold, your love makes me warm

I know you'll take me through the eye of the storm

Though I know your voice will haunt me at night

I can count on your memory to hold me tight

My guardian angel now flies high above

Showering me with her praise and love

And I miss her more than she could know

But I trust that never again will she go.

Death isn't easy, but I'll come to grips

When she puts her finger to my lips

So my gaze will be calm at the clock on the screen

Even when it reads 6:14.

The break of a new day

But the sky's still black

I don't know if you're ever coming back

It eats me away, but I don a smile

Hoping you'll only be gone for a while

But every day the wait goes on

And I think of you

Withering petals

A flower not bloomed

The sunshine can't reach you

Through these clouds between us

It's sapping my strength away

To say that we've lost

But the distance between us is a chasm at best

Your heartbeat is cold now within my chest

***** glass, break the glass, please find your way out

And come back to me

All I can do is shout

When those black clouds evaporate

I'll find you again
Light one last cigarette, I'll breathe you in

Your breath still smells of bleach

Razor kisses adorn your arms

Like a thousand roads that navigated you through life's harms

But they don't seem to stretch on beyond those bars

So you sit and decay silently, listening to passing cars

And I sit here, so numb in the comfort of the loneliness

Feeling helpless to help now, I've got only this

All I have is this keyboard to type from my heart

But it can't freeze the flame that's been there from the start.

You cry out from the cracks in the earth
Where you're trapped in your personal hell
I may not be enough, but for what it's worth
I'll try to unlock this inferno cell

I'm so frustrated my screams could shatter
Everything I thought I knew
Why the **** is it that my dreams must scatter
Like the shards of what was once true

You're in the prison as I unlock the door
To see your skin licked by flame
I offer water, but to my horror
You seem to be enjoying the pain

You're being burned alive in here
I cry and scream and try so hard
But you just smile as you slowly incinerate
And leave me alone in the dark

You see through the eyes of the truly determined
I don't have a choice but to step aside
Though I can't bear living without you, I've learned
That I'm just along for this horrible ride.

After the flames consume your soul
Will you finally take a drink?
Will you quench the thirst that takes its toll?

After the embers finally fall
Will you decide to take the risk
Answer my heart's siren call?

Or will the fire caress you? Hide the pain it gives.
I guess I have no chance to help you to live.

(I have decided not to finish this after 3 years)

You hide your heart behind a mask, its really quite a shame

Your past is draped in tragedy; the reaper grim's to blame

Your heart may crack or even shatter, but know this well my dear

I'll always put you together again, and then smile from ear to ear

At the single most beautiful of all god's creations, perfectly constructed with love

And I see them all surrounding you, protecting you, his doves

Can I be a little dove? Shield you with my wings?

I want to keep you safe from all your demons, external, internal, all the wicked things

I'd let them bruise and batter me, slit my throat even in your place

To keep your blood within your veins, I'd gnaw the nose off my face

I'd also take a tire iron and bash the reaper's head

Don his cloak, and take his scythe, become the new lord of dead

I'd take the life of every demon, every single foe

Then grab ahold of your angel's wings and smile as they carry us home

We'll go to a place where nothing can touch us, where you will forever be free

From all the torment and then I'll ask you to spend eternity with me.

The speedometer read zero for the longest time
All things stood still in your eyes and in mine
Our hearts stitched together, just beating
Our chests pressed tight together, both of us just breathing

This love seemed timeless, until you unlocked
I heard the dreaded "tik tok, tik tok"
And you began to drift
While I remained, devastated by the rift

One mile per hour, two, ten
The world creaks and groans as it starts up again
I stand floating in a timeless void
Split in half and utterly destroyed

I cry and I kick, the tantrum of a child
Slowly become an animal, feral and wild
There is no more dancing, there is no more twirl
Just the death of the poet who stopped the world

Without the muse, there is no more starlight
Another wall to break me down, knock me out of the fight
I lay on the floor, rooted like a tree
As the world moves again without me.

The dark is so comforting to a lonely heart

Envelop and enfold, your embrace keeps me together When I'd rather just fall apart

When sadness tries to overtake my heart, you are a slight relief From the stabbing pains the light inflicts upon my eyes

Nobody sees tears when you cover me so

Please Darkness, my love, never let me go

You numb the agony that eats me away

Some say you'll **** me I say you're the reason I still draw breath

Sitting alone, you and I Your silence is the kiss that brings warmth to my blood

But then I drift off to unawareness, a realm where you are not my only lover

Be not aflame with envy my dear

For in the world in which I dwell You are my one and only

You alone have my hand, my lips, my body, mind, and soul

You bring a spark of insanity

To melt the snow and ice that has slowly accumulated on my withering, dying heart

It's always cold here, subzero

And I'm forever trying to fight the frostbite

That comes simply from living in this harsh, unforgiving world

So don't feel insecure, just blanket my being, encase me in blissful blindness

You are all I will ever have

It may be fleeting, but the solace and contentment your presence brings allows my heart to beat another day

I will sit with you forever and let my body decay.

I no longer care. They may call what we have perverse if they wish.

They will never understand how you make me feel.

They don't need to understand my life.

So I say, never let me go.

I will always be true to you, I will always return

Darkness, my one true love.

As my heart's hope ebbs and the pain within flows
I wonder how many stitches are required to sew
The invisible wound on the inside
How am I still alive?
With this paralyzed heart?
You've left your venom, I'm blinded and bound
Your abandonment resounds

My soul is sickened by your falseness,
But my heart only seems to receive life from your smile

Even the quality of my poetry declines
I used to be an artist
Now it takes all my strength just to stay within the lines

Writing no longer medicates, so I turn to the drink
Then, in my wretchedness, I cry out to God.
Is this my penance for the ones I have wronged?

I could write for days on what first captivated
Me about you and your life giving warmth
But now your betrayal has darkened the best of me
To be just like the worst

The worst part is, I'm not angry, just broken
Vulnerable and dying inside. Will even God save me?
I know he is able, I have witnessed his power
both in life and in fable

Will the sting ever ebb? Will hope ever flow?
I'll leave you with that question
I have to go.

I am a little boy again
Is the supermarket empty?
I am the ugly duckling
Is there life outside the pond?
I am a cub in a giant cage
Is there a zookeeper?
I heard there was an oasis beyond the desert

My warmth adds up, the numbers don’t
My spirit searches, my mind wanders
There are a billion faces behind my own
Is one of them me?
I clutch my teddy, violated
Looking for a lake to wash in

I slap on a face before I go out
Zane, Zack, Z’karyah, kotch, Psalmspitter,
Tenderfoot, Buddha, Dylan, Matthew, MiaR
I look for shalom, but find chaos
A thousand roads forward and back
Do any of them lead me home?

Where? What is that?

Sides draw battle lines, I am cut in two, or three, or four
As the little boy inside me tries
To figure out what to search for.

You make your way across the tightrope of life
But you always seem to end up freefalling
I want to be the harness to keep you in safety
Want to be the blanket that keeps you warm and secure

I want to be the laughter that bubbles inside
To be the poker stoking the flames of your lust
To be the angel that teaches you to fly
And the anchor that keeps you standing steady

I want to be the whiskey that gets you drunk on love
I want to be the jeans clinging to your body
I want to be the song singing sweet nothings in your ear
Just give me the opportunity

I want to be your life blood running in your veins
I want to be your water, refreshing your energy
I want to be the best friend the brings you joy
The lover that brings you completion.

Just another Tuesday morning

Doing work for a grade

Not knowing that later that day

Fifteen people would sleep in their graves

The peace was shattered

Blood was spattered

On Library shelves

Then they killed themselves

And the smoke filled the air

As they killed without a care

They murdered without mercy

Their souls, cold, black, and bare

The shots rang out in the halls

Despite those desperate cell phone calls

The spawn of Satan killed for him

And you can't help but feel just a bit sorry for them

Eric was so very smart

And it appeared he had a tender heart

And Dylan was a dedicated friend

And he showed this up to the very end

And it's so very sad

That something this mad

Happened in such a special time

And It's so very sad that something this bad

Had written about it this one little rhyme

Nobody expected it to happen at Columbine

Cause it was just another Tuesday Morning.

You're the welspring where I draw my inspiration and strength
You help me spin poems and prose at length
But there's so much more within this spring
Beauty, innocence, passion, wild things

You're in my air, water, blood
I could never stop this flood
I'll fill this book with ink and lead
Until I wind up dead

Don't even try to get me to quit
You're ingrained in the words I emit
You're in my lungs, heart, veins
I feel your joy, sorrow and pain

You're part of me now, that I'll never forget
You're all of me now, my muse, my spirit
I can't let go, we can't be torn or separated
Don't even try, for it would be as impossible
as stabbing the sky

The lines are sharp and they lacerate
My brain is dull and can’t actuate
Pop the amphetamine and wait for the kick
To make me less useless, to make me less sick
Society pukes itself seeking the grade
And gives up the children, a foolish trade
Mechanical education will only build robots
Those heartless automatons, terminator and whatnot
Smash the machine, rip out the circuit
Infuriated by the pressure to be perfect
Burn the tests, incinerate the scale
Eliminate the concept of pass or fail
Make everything new.

I came upon you as a broken bird
Shivering under a blanket of darkness
I crawled inside and felt the hurt
Saw a world of starkness

Grabbed your hand, refused to break hold
You said "let me drown," I screamed "Try to swim!"
I decided to stay, though the air grew cold
Fought against the devil's whim

You lie there with a vacant expression
Mumbling your pained confession
I grab you in a fireman's carry
No time to delay, I cannot tarry

Lay you down on the glistening grass
Down into purifying starlight
Where the dark blanket covering is torn away
And you can see who you really are.

My heart hangs suspended, its chambers emptied, dead
Its airways strangled, and its stomach starved and shrunken
Trapped in time, just this lost little boy among men
And orphan among beloved children, frozen in stasis
Please thaw me somehow, let time begin again
What's a clock without the batteries?
A heart in suspended strangulation

(Written 2011, age 18)

Static Position, floating in space
Just an item, lost without a trace
I emptied my love into the pages
Floating here in my stasis
I offered my heard as a sacrifice
It was left decaying
By the black widow's bite

Drained of blood, dying in the web
Released to the infirmary's bed
And while the doctors perform open heart surgery
I'm left floating again in purgatory
Awake to the eyes of an entity
Pure and white, barely a human being
So much softer, so much brighter
Half human, half angel, hell of a fighter

The poison within fights for control
But her gentle warmth keeps it at bay
The harlot stands just outside the window
But guess what you cheating thief, I surived
Guarded now by the spider stomper
I can more easily now, thank you God
For sending me the cure for the Harlot's Bite


Written Nov 2nd, 2011. I was 18.

The Poet Who Stopped the World

Our hearts connected, a moment only
But after the sever, again I am lonely
The universe saw our hearts share a hug
I lost myself in it, warm, snug

We separate swiftly, I go back to my box
I sit in the silence and go into shock
They echo in my head, the words of a girl
She said I’m the poet who stopped her world

It makes me believe that I was so close
But I was afraid, stupefied, comatose
Now it’s too late, I bathe in regret
And negativity is all I’ve beget.

But I won’t give in, forever I’ll wait
I’ve had opportunities but you are my fate
So I’ll sit alone, I won’t break though I’m bending
I know that the universe holds our happy ending

I have the courage to be a real man
If I must wait till the end of my lifespan
Because I remember how our hearts danced and twirled
And because I’m the poet that stopped the world.
---

Written 2011. I was 18.

Elegance fades into a dull, lifeless shape
Blunt, Coldness, no route to take to escape
Bars around my soul, a tiny prism, and tiny prison
Cage around my heart, locked, and I'm mocked
By the dirt and the wind and the stars and the sky
Destined to die Why?
Slowly decaying, decrepit, not intrepid
I am only a mortal, destined for dust, so I must
Make use of the sand in the glass, before I pass
Before the pulse goes fade, stop, and I drop
And this fragile shell, descends into hell, unwell
From intricacy, to intimacy, to my tomb by the sounding sea
The time in our lives is incredibly short to sort our priorities, it's insanity
That the spark that ignites is so quickly snuffed, it's simply unjust, and I've had enough
Yet there's nothing to do, nothing to be had
To keep us from the reaper's grasp
Don't gasp As if you didn't know that we are all soon to die
Simply ask why?
Someone has planned to give us this life, this planet to grand
Then demand
Loyalty and servitude until our dying day
Doesn't he see? That for us it's only seconds away?
When he gave me this sand, if he wanted me to chase what he planned
He should have given me a few more grains
Not just the promise of fire rains, eternal pains
I may be jaded, but this is how I see
If he gave it to me, that makes it mine
My sand to drain, to use for my own plans
Maybe that way, I can be satisfied, when it's simply my time
For the elegance to fade into a dull, lifeless shape
As long as it's mine, I don't need an escape From the reaper's grasp

You're a coward, you're a fake

And you give me far less than you take

You give me discomfort and you take up my time

So I'll take up a wee bit of yours with this rhyme

You drain all I have then promptly cut ties

You say it's my fault, I say you're all lies

I ask for an answer you give me a blank

This excuse is nothing I can cash at the bank

I ring and I ring, but my voice remains alone

Because you're too pathetic to answer your phone

Friends for three years, and all you can give

Is nothing at all, you've no reason to live

I comforted you in your time of need

Though mine was greater, I gave not into greed

I asked for your help, but never did I drain

All of your energy and leave you in pain

I gave you my best, and then you took all the rest

I continued to listen though my patience you'd test

Still you ignore all my texts and silence your ringer

This rejection carries poison like a scorpion's stinger

One time my well of patience ran dry

And I gave up on you while you continued to cry

But two wrongs don't make right, I thought you better than that

You're a very bad, very mean, vindictive little cat

You say I'm a drama queen, honey look in the mirror

And I know that you won't. Because of fear or

The fact that you know that you would see something gross

A little tip, buy some reality, then take a strong dose.

You say I've done nothing; I've done more than you,

Though I will admit you've done a little for me too

But if I were to put what we've done on a scale

It'd be like measuring an anvil against a nail

You always were a hypocrite, now you're a liar to boot

Someday you'll see your mistake and yell shoot

But by then it'll be far too late

Because you never see beyond today's date

I'm sick of your lies, so to settle the score

This rhyme, not much, good enough for who it's for

Liar Liar pants on fire

I hope you hang from a telephone wire.

Five years have passed so unbearably slow
I thought by now that I could finally let go
I walked down an endless series of halls
Looking for something that wasn't at all
I ran till my lungs burned, but couldn't escape
Ran all the way to the other side of the state
There is no escape from that fateful day
When I leaned in, when she walked away
So I have accepted my heart, I've come to grips
With the warmth in her smile, the curse in my lips
I've died once, but the burial shroud unfurled
And I rise, the poet who stopped the world.

Consumed by misanthropy
A cardio catastrophe
Watching hope evaporate
In the pit this excavates
Paralyzed by the victory
Of the incubus caressing you
You lean in to kiss a dark mystery
This is my final cue

My cue to give up and forget destiny
Sit in a corner and be less than me
I just can't do it, so I'm stuck in this hole
Waiting and wondering, losing my soul
Clinging to a threadbare hope
That will be my hanging rope