I was never blind to who you were,
what you were at the very start.
you moved like smoke in the room,
the vapor you trailed behind you wasnt hard to see
which gave me the first incarnation that you were no good,
But the way you smoothly made your way to me,
I couldnt resist the vibe you poured out.

moments passed by,
my vision was blurred by the kisses and the affection,
and the "love" that you endlessly flashed in front of my face.
my vision was foggy with your scent -- so intoxicating you came to be to me,
almost like your scent is what dragged me to you in the first place.
my vision was blurred with the lies you told,
the deceit you dripped onto my reality making
what I thought we had a fantasy.
but right before I was going to open up to you,
really give you me like a *******,
I realized who the **** I am and wiped away my eyes,
got my eye drops and saw right through you, my love.
the fog clears, and there you are ---
Nothing.

this is for those girls whose hearts are shattered
like window glass and broken mirrors,
whose spirit has twinkled only to a whisper of contempt.
this is for the girls whose mind are lost,
whose minds are warped into some fantasy of what they really need,
the love they’ve needed all along.
this is for the girls who’s lost their way in the world,
who knows not the path that was destined for them so
takes them all in due time.
this is for the girls who hears the words, “it's not your fault, it's going to be okay. You just need some time to yourself for a while.” countless and countless of times,
over and over again because it's a “need to a troubled soul” .
this is for the girls who have been let down and
have been told to just move on and deal with it for your countless years.
this is for the girls who have been judged, persecuted and called out of character
for years because of appearance and different mind thinking,
for being the female that go over boundaries and takes risks.
this is for the girls whose mother cares more about appearance and titles,
then feelings and real emotion and love,
who only cares how your actions reflect her and her family,
who only sees you as what she sees or what her friends have told her
When in reality, you've never done what she thinks you're doing,
you are just being you.

this is for the girls who need someone, someone who can understand them and love them,
someone who wont look back at their past and judge them heavily for something that cant be changed and hasnt changed a thing in that girl’s life.
this love letter is for the girls like me, and you, and you,
for every lonely girl that has a broken heart and more,
for the girls who has no one and no one wants her,
for the girls who give more love to one than they’ve ever gotten in there lifetime.
broken hearted girls.

We all are different,
We all have a certain talent
That sets us apart from the world around us,
But we also like to put each other down,
And tell each other that our talents are unimportant,
That they aren't special, or unique, or special,
That we all need to just be the same,
And “fit” in with the world.
That s not true.
That’s the complete opposite of what we need to do,
What we need to live like.
I am special in my own unique way,
I am one of a kind,
And I am happy to be what society wants me to be.
I am a song of my own,
A melody that plays on and on,
And never gets old,
I am in a world that I feel exiled in,
But the words that I write,
The words that I live through,
They are my escape.
I wait every day,
For a chance to touch the stars,
To be trapped in the vastness of the universe,
To hold hands with the ones I love,
Where I don’t have to follow rules,
Where I don’t have to hide who I am anymore,
Where I can just breathe…
Where I want to be….
Where you can breathe and be free with me.

pitch black,
deep abyss.
you dont see yourself,
you dont see anything but black,
you just feel you.
you feel heart thumping hard,
feeling like its vibrating the air around,
making it hot and humid.
Your eyes begin to wander around,
trying to find some refuge of light,
but you see none.

Then, you see a small glow in the mist of the black.
Such thing to you in reality would be nothing but a speck,
but now its reassurance of hope,
of a better place out of the dark,
its almost life to you itself.

But as you began to move toward it,
gravity lets you go and you began to fall,
and you keep falling.
And as you fall,
the small light that gave you so much life
begins to wither away from your sight.
Everything around begins to crumble,
your body feels heavier with every second you fall deeper,
You've given up on a scream by this point.
You feel helpless of what comes next,
of what lies ahead.
And when you've all but given up...
you awake to see the sun staring at you,
and you stare back.
There's no more falling,
there's no more uncertainty,
just the sun.

It wasn't a peak on the your upper lip,
or a little smooch to tell that we were a couple,
it was sort of ...
intimate.
Like we were supposed to do this,
have a moment to make this what we had to be real,
to show the world that love kind of exists in a way.

In short,
our first kiss was real.
It was hot and melty,
warm and intoxicating,
I was in love with how you bit my lip
and tugged at my lower lip,
like you knew that's how I liked it.
I was wildly impressed with this,
sense you don't seem to be the type of person
to be a little wild.

Hmmm... when I think of it now,
this doesn't feel like our first.
I feel like I'v kissed you before,
but I think not with my lips.

I think our first was when we first met,
when our eyes met for the first time.
you took me your arms one time,
and I felt warm inside
like I was supposed to be there
with you.
And you wrapped yourself into me and we just was still,
like everything was frozen in time.

Our moments told the future of
what would become of us,
of what we would be in our lives,
how we would mean so much soon,
and how much I would love you
and how much you love me.
Even now,
when we touch in the littlest of ways,
I feel so beautiful,
so wonderfully touched by your soul
and where we have gone into the world.
I love you
and our first and second kiss .

She stares from afar.
Shes entranced by your eyes,
your smile.
You look up..
and she is yours.

she hangs on every word I say,
tells me she wants to be in the world I stay,
shes sort of falling in love,
shes sort of giving her heart.
I dont know what she wants me to do
because I really dont want it.
not saying I dont care about her,
not saying I dont feel fer her…
its just too soon,
just a little too fast.
shes in warm waters thats just going to boil over
and burn her.
I cant help who I am,
I cant help the way I feel about her,
shes just not my type.
Shes infatuated with me and I dont know why,
I am just an infatuation, a dream that she needs to come true
and I cant help her.

Making way to the backyard,
I felt a sense of calmness, purity on this particular
hot, summer night.
I went to the place where the light was dim
and the stars and moon glistened like diamonds and pearls,
where the winds were warmer and the night longer,
where the vibe was the realest and where I was the coldest.
I escaped from reality there into my world,
where I know I can be the real me.
I lay on my blanket on a patch of summer grass,
feeling the wave of fresh green under the texture of the cloth
and as I watched the sky and the stars roll by me to oblivion,
I felt all my worries build in my lungs.
I could feel all my troubles leak over the point of no return,
I exhale.
I exhale and it feel it rush out of my lungs in one fail swoosh,
Ive never felt so…. Beautiful.
It was the most beautiful thing ive ever felt in my whole life,
the most beautiful feeling anyone can feel in the world,
warmer than a sauna,
melting as I synced to the music playing in the background,

I realized this could only last the night
every time I lost myself in the exhaling, the music.
I realize this can only last the night
and its worth every second til the dawn,
every smile ive ever smiled and could in a lifetime,
every dime ever spent on relaxing at some ridiculous beach
across the ocean in the middle of nowhere.
I know what I had now could only last til the dawn --- where I had
to resume my reality that I had to label as my life.
So, I exhale and wait for the dawn to creep over the clouds and shine
its unforgiving light on me to tell me…
”Its over. Another day, you can wait until I come
over the clouds and on to you but now… resume the life you live, my love.”

I will be back to my backyard again, and I will wait until the dawn once again.

as I sit here, watching this door in the dark,
my mind wanders to what just happened.
my mind blanks out and replays everything that
was said in that one instant of that long night.
on everything, I regret every word, every loud,
disgusting word I yelled at you.
I know you were somehwere
feeling the same way.
I know you were somewhere fuming with heat and sorrow, wanting to come home.
but I knew you probably wouldnt,
since you know what I would have more to say.
But tonight... if you came back...
I would say nothing.
I wanted you back home,
safe with me, with the little family you have in me,
where you know I love you no matter what.
I burned a hole in the door that night,
hearing myself breathe, my heart jumping at every sound that passed my ears.
after an hour, my heart gave up on looking
so I rolled one and turned on the tv to drown the room with sound until I could forget.
I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge ---
you bought me my favorite ice cream yesterday
and when I looked at the tub... I wanted to drown
in my own hot tears that dripped down my face.
I snatched it and sat back down,
still anticipating that you would open the door.

after two movies and a show noone new about,
I gave up on listening,
I gave up on you coming home.
I slipped into a sleep that was uneasy but still
comfortable to my hot chest.
I laid there on the couch, half drowned
in ice cream and **** smoke.
my mind drifted to you and a future without you,
I drifted to a world where we werent we,
I shivered in the thought and when I could take
no more ... I popped up in a sweat,
and in my chair... was you.

It happened without me really knowing,
almost like my brain wasn't able to catch up
with my heart and soul,
almost like it was perfectly unplanned and unattended,
so unexpectedly beautiful.
It was so perfect how it happened it would make the strongest of souls
fall to there knees and cry with the last of the love they had,
with the last of who they were.

How all this settled out to be left my mind in a blur of unknowing,
questioning everything I thought I believed in,
everything I thought was true.
Everything that I thought made sense was now a question to be held,
questions that I still can't fathom to begin to answer.


But what I do is for certain about all of this,
one thing I know makes so much sense---
that the love I have for you will never fade,
will never ever go away no matter what I try to do,
no matter what you try to do.
you are the light in my life,
the glow that keeps me going.
You are and will always be meant for me and I to you.
You are what most want to be to me,
be the only love in my life,
you are my reason,my future.

You are the reason I let my guard down.

sweet silence drips that night
then, you walk in the room so smoothly with your song
afloat the waves of the atmosphere.
so entrancing your song is,
and even at this moment ---
im still humming your melody.

Its hard to leave,
but its harder to stay.
I feel caged with you,
I feel like a beaten prisoner.
You need to let me go,
let us go because we cant both survive this,
this lie we call love,
happiness and truth.
I love you,
I will be there for you always and forever,
but let me go.
I cant breathe,
Im gasping for freedom,
an you are the only one that can provide it.

you are my muse,
the reason I am who I am.
you are my inspiration, the love I put into
the music I create, the words I write that pour
from every corner of my mind and soak onto paper.
you are the soul that has wrapped itself around mine
and will not let go, you have given me the love of my life,
you have brought what I was destined to do for the rest of my life
to light and I have to thank you every time I think of it.
you are my muse, my love.
you are the one who created the love in my heart,
the passion in my soul.
you made me feel something that most people cant imagine,
that most people think doesnt exist and cant fathom.
you are my muse,
my inspiration and power.
you are what keeps me going,
what keeps me moving toward my dream
because of your influence.
I love you, truly, I am in love with you.

the first you see when you see me
are my big, round brown eyes.
brown as dark amber hitting the sun,
rounder than the moon.
you think they are beautiful,
an entrancing color that I possessed,
full of wonder and searching for
something to create and discover.
the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen --
but I know you see more than what you think,
just a little more than what you see...
tell me

tell me, what do you think my eyes
have seen ?
what have they seen over the years,
what have they witnessed?
do you think they hold secrets,
many truths.. or many lies ?

what do you see trapped in the specks of amber in my eyes?
have they seen hurt or death?
pain and suffering?
or have they seen something a little worse,
like the near future ?

tell me what you think is inside of beauty, my love.
do you see what you want or do you see what I need ?
do you see the truth in these eyes of mine ?

I only wear my red lipstick
when im feeling sinister,
when im feeling poisonous.
I only wear my red lipstick
when im on the prowl,
searching for my prey,
ready to pounce.
I only wear my red lipstick
when im loving you,
when I feel close to you,
when I feel close to you,
almost melting.

I only wear my red lipstick
for you.

never again will I fall for someone like the person before again,
never again will I give my little heart up so quickly,
so intensely.
it really wasnt his fault, it was mine for not looking closer
at the situation, at who he really was.
never again will I put my trust into someone who
only wanted to use me for there own gain,
for there own amusement.
never again will I let someone shatter the last of me
and leave me to pick up the pieces,
slowly putting them back together.
never again will someone waste the little time I have,
waste the moments I could’ve shared with someone
who actually deserved them all --- every second,
every distance walked in my memory.
never again will I waste the hugs, the long walks,
The longer conversation, the affectionate touches,
the kisses of the unknowing lips,
lips that were owned by lips that touched that girl and that girl and that other girl…
lips that were spoiled by mine at the same time.
never again will I put my heart where I knew it would take time and patience,
never again will I trust my heart with someone like the person before.


Now, I must make the decision to trust someone new,
someone to help me pick up the pieces and regain that feeling,
that love ive been looking for.
someone I can share the memories with,
the long walks and conversations,
the hugs and affection,
the kisses and the time it takes to actually know someone,
to really love them.

Will you help me pick up the pieces ?

I dont have doubts about us,
what we've built these five years,
what we've gained these last two.
I dont worry about what people say
or how they see us,
because they dont know what we really are,
what we have been through together.
I dont have any fears about what the future holds
or how it will all end...
because I know you'll still beside me,
holding my hand and kissing my forehead,
reassuring me that our love is as deep as it was when we first met.

Even when it rains,
even in the storm...
I know you'll still be there with me
and I know I will stand by you through it all.
I know you'll still look me in my eyes and tell me you love me,
that you'll never leave me,
kissing me 30 times,
making me laugh outrageously like you always do.

Even when it seems like the rain wont stop and all is lost,
even when the storm keeps on coming,
I know you'll be there still loving me.
Because I Love You.

don't love me when i'm gone.
don't text me when you realize you love,
when you realize I was the only one on your time,
the only one real with you.
don't call me when finally realize i'm not
like them other chicken heads that be chasing you,
that you ****** me over for.
don't come at me with that “ I miss you, I need you “,
don't try to win me back.

don't come looking for the love I spilled on you before
back in the memories I try to hide,
the memories that we made together.
you ****** up.
I was the one that had you when them chicken heads just wanted your money,
just wanted to waste your time and blur your eyes with the haze of their *** drive,
their drive to steal you away from me.
the thing is… I never did have you.
I never had the real love, the real loyalty,
the real you.
you played me, you played yourself and everyone around you.
don't come back looking for me to forgive and forget,
to ever let you back into my life.

no hard feelings,
it's just that I learned my lesson.
don't come back when you realize
you ****** up heavy,
too heavy to breathe.
don't come back when you had the chance to
have all the love I could give, all the loyalty, all the greatness
you could have ever experienced in one lifetime.
don't come back when you see me love another,
when all the love you could of had falls onto someone else,
someone better than you could ever be to me.

He realized what he had at day one,
at the first look at me, the first touch he gave.
He knew that I was more than what others could see,
what others couldn't detect, couldn't fathom.
He realized that I am like no other,
that I am one of those that can't be just easily replaced.
He realized that you made the way, and he’s thankful.

the past is forever the past,
nothing can be changed about it .
it cannot be altered --- the mistakes you've made...
are forever your mistakes.
the memories that you have of your mistakes
will forever haunt your soul ---
the small pieces that are left of you ---
forever.
the scratches, the bruises, the scars you've made,
the blood that's been spilled into a pool
will flood your mind...
drown you from the inside
until you have nothing left to lose in life.
the despair you feel,
the pain that you feel will consume the rest of you,
the pieces that you needed to keep.
you're forever gone.
there's no more of the person
you thought you were,
the person you wanted to be.
you have reaped what you've sowed ---
you've planted thorned roses.

i've never seen something so beautiful
that makes me so sad , so full of envy.
i've never seen something that gives me such hope for the future,
something that fills my heart with such wonder
And still makes me so jealous and angry that I could scream.
I hate the way the birds can just fly away from their problems,
from the worries that might behold them in the world
and come and go as they please.
I despise the way the birds can can fly above the clouds
to see the sun coming and going,
how they can see the changing colors that stain the sky,
how they can seem to reach closer to the stars than us,
where my dreams carry themselves to every night.
it makes me sad when I hear the song the birds sing to each other,
or themselves, to life each other up.
the way your chirping echos in a garden,
the way your songs rings my eyes to reveal
the most beautiful sounds anyone can hear.
your song is sung with a sense of freedom,
a uproot of love and freewill,
it's all I ever wanted to make in my life.
little bird, as I watch you flitter your pretty wings above
the sun and clouds, I must ask a one question that burns the back of mind:
Do you enjoy seeing me this way, seeing me drown in despair and woe?
little bird, please tell me the truth, please give me the answer to why I feel so
strongly toward such a beautiful creature as yourself.
little bird, through it all I still think you are the most beautiful, most wonderful
creature of them all, through all my envy and such.
I love you, pretty bird.

I cant help but get too involved with someone who catches my attention,
who I think deserves my affection.
I am prone to get too deep with someone who has
a mindset thats over the top,
that is too curious for its own good.
I cant help myself when I see a soul touched by something,
something thats so beautiful thats its hard not to see it,
not to want to experience it with them.

You might think im crazy but in reality,
thats how I express myself,
with too much affection,
too much love at once because
I have yet been able to experience that myself.
I have not yet experienced someone who can love
the way I love, the way I care.
I hate the ways of the heart,
the things I put myself through every single time,
every time I open myself up for the possibilities
of someone loving me like I love them.

And as I throw that over-used word around,
I look back and wonder why.
I wonder why and even I still havent figured out
the answer to that fawny question.
I hate the love I give,
the love that ive never received,
the love that haunts my heart.

I wonder what the future holds for a lost lover like me,
or like her, or him, or you….
the way I love isnt rare.
oh, its known for many,
the way we love is just...

i met you by chance in the fall on a rainy night,
the clouds rolling as i felt the cold air breeze by,
not really thinking of the world around,
not really thinking of the possibilities.

you showed up out of nowhere
flashing that pretty smile and those big eyes at me,
distracting me from any other qualities i could spot about you.
i thought you were too fine to be talking to me.
i thought maybe you mistaken me for someone you knew,
someone that could meet your stature because
i knew it couldnt be me.
you were too fine be in such a small,
insignificant city that we were in.
so trivial, so dull and boring.
i remember you looking me in the eyes
and your pupils dilated.
you were looking for my soul and my weaknesses,
thats what i felt.
i melted instantly, like your hands were all over me
but you never touched me.
i sighed hard as you kept hearing me talk,
looking at me with those big, brown eyes.
you knew that i was feeling you by that sigh,
i couldnt care less.

i dared you to touch me in my mind,
at that moment i couldnt think of nothing else
but you feeling me and i wanted to do the same with you.
i wanted nothing more to feel your hands, your muscles, your face and lips... i wanted you and more.
but i had to wait for the right moment,
the moment that changed everything.

i noticed how every part you was smooth, structured.
you were a beautiful piece of work.
i needed you to need me,
feel how i know you could make me feel,
give me more than what i expected.
i wanted to feel how hot your body felt on mine,
how it felt to have your lips pressed to every inch of me,
all the way to my head, down to navel and even lower.
i needed you to hold me... touch me...
**** the **** out of me if you wanted to
because i knew i was the right one to play with,
to want and need.

i didnt know what i was getting myself into...
to be honest, i kind of did.
i kind of knew as soon as you looked at me,
the first time you decided to go soul searching in my eyes,
seeing that i had been waiting on someone like you.
i definitely knew as soon as you grabbed me,
kissing me as you held me,
intertwining my vibe with yours.
that first contact was oddly shaking,
almost nerve wracking because you did it so smoothly.
so sensually like you thought i was china.
i couldnt believe how soft you made me feel,
how gentle your rough hands were.
it was so intoxicating,
i didnt want you to let me go.

as you continued,
i noticed that you whispered little things to yourself
as your hands traced against my body.
i could feel you moan as you kissing me.
touching every part of me,
caressing my *******
kissing my collarbone,
all the way down in between my thighs.
your eyes followed my every moment under your grasp,
i was yours and you could feel it in my shivers.
you could feel that i wanted more and i could see it in your face
that you were going to give it to me.
i loved how you knew exactly what i liked without
me having to guide you, tell you what i wanted.
you were a professional,
someone who wrote the book on sensuality.
you were heaven sent, a man with a purpose.

i never felt so weak in my life,
so powerless because i knew we were on the same energy,
the same level of thinking.
we both wanted each other more than the other,
we became harmonized, in sync with each other's heartbeat
as the night flew past and the morning peaked over the horizon.
i felt your hand rest on my face as i slept,
your breath slowly blew on my forehead.
you knew i would be back,
you knew that you had a control set on me now,
and i would listen to anything you said,
i would obey anything you said or wanted me to do.
i was yours, you were mine.

the thoughts, the memories i have together...
unmatched to anyone or whoever decided
to cross my path the way you did.
i needed more and more of you afterwards,
and the thoughts that you left with me.

I loved you

I cared for you,
and set you up on a pedestal.
you were beautiful to me,
you were everything I ever wanted,
someone I thought I needed in my life.

you were my crowning jewel,
my heart.
you were someone I knew I didn't need,
someone I knew wasn't good,
but I guess my eyes were seeing someone else,
and the person I thought you was ..
was a horrible lie.

I have secrets,
too many to explain.
I have secrets that I have to push back, far past my mind.
far past my mental is at existing,
locked in a black box with the word Truth spread over its surface.

Truth.

It holds the memories ive forgetten,
keeping me ignorant of my past that used to haunt me at times,
not just in dreams but in the day,
everything reminding me of who I really am.
its the part of me ive locked away so no one can see
because its the real, raw me.
its the person ive tried to forget for a long time,
the person that is crazy and untamed,
haunted by the past she once was.
It holds parts of my heart thats broken off and I cant put back together just yet,
holding them until I can find the right brand of super glue to put piece them back together,
holding them until I realize my heart is hurt and needs repairing but until then…
Im not whole just yet.

Sometimes… something sets off the person inside,
wearing down the box, making it wither and age before its time.
the box is cracks and leaks the secrets it holds slowly,
breaking me down with it,
making the pain I once felt,
making the scars I thought was healed …
Known.
The anger pours in, the sadness deepens and im right back where I was
those years ago,with the little heart I had left in the palm of my hand.
But I have to breathe through all of it and just… catch whats came of the box
and put it where it belongs until the time comes.

Truth spills only when I let go and lose myself,
lose the love and emotion.
I am the master of the box inside my mental and thats all to it.

Whats on My Mental Pt. 1 .

I write for a dream I once had a long time ago,
where I thought things were sweet,
where I thought things were alright...
when really things were starting to crack and rumble,
when things were already falling in my world.
But I didn't realize this until someone opened up this to me,
til I had to go through a lot to be inspired,
to open up.

I write for someone that let me down,
and kept letting me down every time
I thought they were changed.
And knew this,
but I wanted to be proven wrong in my mind,
I wanted to prove that someone like me could be wrong.

But I guess im always right.

I write for this guy I once loved,
and the many women I made love to,
to find out what my taste was.
And what I found out,
is I really don't have one...
I love everyone,
whoever they are.
I feel something for the people I touch,
I change and I know they feel more for me.

I want to everyone to know that I love them,
I care for them even if they hate me.

I write for you as well.
Yes, you that's reading this...
I write just for you .

she loved me for a night,
and I loved her for a lifetime.
But shes like the wind....
always moving.