Grey marks the shivers and stutters that
Stop your throat from loosening,
Coughing out apology after apology.

The thin maroon excuse for warmth
Cuts into your arms and
A polo neck button placed too high
Helps the nervous cut into your
Throat, choking off words and
Well-wishes.

Look at this brand new, overpriced
And itchy navy blanket to
Wrap around your shoulders while
I bleach out your windcheater
See now, it's red.
Not quite the same as you remember
The little figures on your breast
Changed into a quill and some
Other absurdity you're not sure of
Yet.

Sit between these two red girls,
They're your angels so stop trying to
Hate them.
Give them all a chance, 9 weeks
At least because no one hates you,
You just hate this
System.

I almost fell in love when I
Was sad but I stopped myself
Because I thought that no one
Could ever love me back since
I wasn't going to be around for
Much longer anyway.

That was 436 days ago and I still
Can't love anyone or have them
Love me back even when I'm
Happy.

Sometimes I look at you and think
That I could love you and you
Could love my empty shell, too

But then I realised when I held
My heart in my cupped palms,
About to toss it like a bomb to
You that it would grow tacky
Over time and you wouldn't
Want it anymore.

It's cold outside but I'm
Sweating under the sun and I
Wish you were here to tell me
That my love was fine and
To hold onto my heart because
You don't need it.

My last love compared me to the devil
                 said that I was just as dark and foreboding and that
             I'd pull out the hearts of men and keep them for my own victory.

He called himself to be the honest definition of human since

                         his last love was the kind of angel that kept her wings closed
                                                          ­                                  and to her heart.

                               And with her golden fringe and paper white skin
                                        she had a laugh like the echoing of a wind chime
                                               a body like a goddess
                                                    and when her hips stuttered-

He'd danced with the devil and handed his heart to it

And so I've kept it to myself now
And given the rest of him away for the world to have.

Time slows down and the nervousness turns into the wind
That swims around, tying itself around your neck
            Like a reversed winter scarf, keeping the draught in rather than out.

You wouldn't be so insensitive as to say that you know
          How those soldiers in Afghanistan feel carrying around all
                    That weight on their shoulders every day.

But in the mornings when it's dark and silent, you whisper
to the air around you that you feel it worse.
               Your load is like lead and it's never easing up.

We listened to that song like it was our only solitude,

Though my only solitude was your voice

The way you belted out the lyrics like a protest

And made sense to those that didn't understand.

Would you know how many times I've tried

But failed always to listen to that song.

My solitude has become a mirage

Or a dream not quite forgotten.

Were you here and not in a pit

Would those words be sung again.

For now I'll let it be as it is:

The sketchy record to a broken memory,

And a time in which our lives were living.

You are a dream in which I'm still dreaming,

So carry on and carry on.

Your essence is foreign to me
For I haven't ever slept before.
What are your eyes when they are not stinging?
Do they smile?
Do they brighten with excitement?
What are your eyes,
I've never seen them so red.
The blood has spilt from your veins
And seeped into your vision.
These tired, tired eyes
You were once so good to me

Give me a moment, my head is spinning

There, your heart's still in place
I'm sorry but I lost your mind.
Forgive me, maybe check your pockets?
The back seat of your car?
Hush, you'll find it soon.
Close those eyes, sweetheart.
Dream of dreaming.

Remember how I bought you that summer dress and you
stained my shoulder with your tears after the first time
that you realised your relationship was dying.
How I've bought you a hundred dresses after that and
burned each shirt that you stained with them.

Remember how I sat with you and made daisy chains
because I thought it would stop you from hating yourself.
How you ripped them all up afterwards and stained my chest
instead of my shoulders.

Remember how I've said goodbye so many times yet come back
the next day because I knew no one would let you cry on them.
How you tore me up like you tore those daisies and burnt those
dresses like I burnt my shirts.

Remember how you'll keep this up your sleeve, sweetheart.
How I love you as much as I hate you.

Please don't forget to bring me down with you when you go.