One step forward, two steps back

There’s no winner in this game.

No champion crowned
No golden wreath
No $50 coupon to that store.

One bright light, three days black

There’s no oasis in this expanse.

No rain
No mirage
No life giving you hope.

One yippee, four pleas behind*

We’ve forgotten who needs to be saved.

Help me
Stop me
I’m so sorry.

Sirens sound, they’re calling for the hero

But the hero is not there to save you.

There is no hero.

We aren’t trying to save ourselves.

It’s that

Interlude between when you’re sad and happy

Where you aren't quite sure where exactly you are

You knew what sad meant but you don’t know what this is meant to be.


I remember when you said you were going to die.

Your throat kept closing up but it wasn’t me doing it

And then you told me you were numb.

You couldn’t feel anything.

I could cut you if I wanted

But you wouldn’t even know

You’d just watch the blood trickle out of you

Like drops of water in the morning on the windows in winter.

You told me that this is life and

What it was going to come to in the end.

I don’t think I've ever known you happy

You said you were never meant to be.

And then you laughed

And said that it sounded morbid.

But I didn't say anything

Because we knew it was true.


You keep telling me that it was a long time ago

and you’re okay now.

You say that this is the happiest you’ve ever been.

If only your tears would tell me the same thing.

I wish that you wouldn’t listen to yourself

Because that’s what is killing you.


I’ll still be here in the morning, sweetheart.

I’ll still hold your ice cold hands.

My head is a bucket filled to
                                    the brim.
It's not that it ends there,
                              it overflows sometimes.
                      I hate when I soak, though
     Drench everything near me.
    It's not that I want to. I really
                                             don't.
But the H2O don't stop, friend.
                     Well, I can't stop it at
                                                  least.
Sorry for getting you wet. Seems
                   like my subconscious
                                  missed you.
Here's a towel,
                   oh no, it's already wet.
      Sorry about that. Looks like they're
                                              all wet.
If you leave me now, you can catch the
                                       last shots of sun.
      Dry in the heat and leave me
                                         to drown.

Don't worry though, I'm fine here.

I had a dream last night
where I didn't dream at all.

Everything was numb
and I couldn't shut the blinds

So I pretended to stop existing
like everything else around me.

Always

Time started screaming in my face
but my body didn't move.

Nearly

Making pictures with my hands
in the midnight sun's silhouette.

Noticing things that weren't there before,
like the lint that comes alive

and swallows you whole,
leaving you gasping and retching

Now

in the silence that is your mind
like an old playlist on loop.

*Go to sleep now. You have to get up in a few minutes, sweetheart.

They aren't monsters, they're shadows.

So sleep now, darling, and they'll disappear.

You do not know me.
You may never know me,
hero.

But you saved me
And I wouldn't be here
If it weren't for you,
hero.

Maybe some day
I will tell you in person
But until then
This is for you,

Letting you know
How grateful I am
That you kept me my life,
hero.

The sun is shining
but it's raining

on your face,
down your neck,
through your socks,
through your skin.

It chills your heart
and makes you glad.

You look up.
The sun,
the clouds,
the snowflake rain.

Pink gumboots,
striped jackets,
dull canopies.

People stare
as you stop and wonder
how people could hide

from this pleasure
which makes them cold,
makes them see
the amazement
of sun and rain
together

creating beauty
in a sunshower.

There's the topaz bear
                                       that sits on the kitchen
                                       windowsill so that when

                                       the sun is shining, it paints
                                       rainbows on the dough

                                       and you feel your heart
                                       warming up at the sight
                                      
                                       because even though
                                       you're alone, you can see
                                      
                                       that there are still some
                                       beautiful things that exist
                                      
                                       even if it feels like your
                                       soul is dead, there are
                                      
                                       still bits of it that are alive,
                                       trying to shine through
                                      
                                       your confines and grab
                                       what little pieces of
                                      
                                       happiness it can reach.