My head is buzzing
This buzzing ***** lol

The four phrases thudding through my mind right now:

1. I knew this would bite me in the ***
2. And now I feel like ****
3. It's hard for me to see you as the person you deserve to be seen as at this moment
4. And I should probably allow this to be a wake up call

Excuse me sir, but how much ***** do you have on your shelf?

It's been a few since I put the pen to the paper
It's been a few since I tipped my head back
And sighed a stanza

It's been a few, but I still know
While I've been trying to make that 15 year old version of me
Happy
I haven't learned a ******* thing

I claim to have changed since meeting you

In some ways, I think it's really good.
I have the courage to be myself again.
I haven't felt that way since I was 5 years old.
I think it's kinda beautiful.

But in other ways, it's also pretty bad.
I can't have you, so I take what I can from others to fill that up.
It's a little selfish, and I think I might be hurting people.
I think it's sort of gnarled.

We have a fascinating way of talking about everything else
Except for the reason
We talk about everything.
We have a fascinating way of talking
About anything except
What's on both of our minds.

And I'm starting wonder how much if it is
Good,
And how much of it is
Bad.

When have I been so ruled by want,
When have I been so waned by desire?

My days have been slathered in zesty
Sundried
Sauce
So much so, I think I'm pruning
-
What, with the tension headaches,
And this new thing called,
Opening-myself-up-to-others,
Hearing the recoiled,
"You're weird"
But bouncing with laughter.
I can't tell if it's good or bad yet.
Maybe it's neither.
Normal, not the one word
I would ascribe
But
Today, I wanted to create
Instead of letting the night unfold
Into misery
-
I thought of someone else today
And felt sad for them,
Not myself
And it was good

It's weird.

I feel like you know me so much more than most people do.

I don't share this stuff with anyone -

I'm not

personable,

as if me getting to pick and choose my flaws is justified

but at any rate -

how did you know that?

I feel like you see right through me.

I can only imagine that listening to you breathe
Is like watching the Pope discuss theology.
You do everything so well.

I've been treating it like a data analysis -
All the sweet talk is probably just
Memories gnarled.
I have form A, article 17, and reference from
Last weeks lab work -
I need to just let it come
naturally.

"I am depressed."
Through gritted teeth,
Through split speech
Through spilling and grinding
Through searching and finding

Instead of treating it like moldy laundry
Instead of rotting under the company of misery
I am telling myself
*hey, you know what, maybe I am worth a little dignity

Is there a ****** orientation guru
And if so,
Could I meet
(Him/Her)
And know why
You turn me every
Which way
Upside down?

I wanna listen to you talk all night long

Your words bring me to my knees,

We think out loud for hours:

Whistle on in my ear,

I just wanna kiss you, man.

You are,

And I'm not just saying this,

The most extraordinary person I have ever met.

it would be something about how much you don't know yourself until you meet certain people. It's wild. Maybe it's partially reactionary. They say our behavior is largely in part due to our environment. Does that mean that parts of my identity are just knee-**** responses to the people I surround myself with? Or, to dig deep a little deeper -

does that mean that you're changing me?

Keep challenging yourself: a corny, yet necessary reminder. Surround yourself with people who test your limits and make you think more.

It's weird

My head feels clear,

For once

All the free verse

Smooths out the curves

I guess

This can't just be me,

Can it?

The fever blazes on -
I must be somewhat masochistic or something
Because I'm so **** in love with making a fool
Of myself.

Hollywood wails on, naked and lonely without us.

I see a lot there in the future -

I see so much it hurts sometimes.

I know I made an *** of myself
And I know I did ****** things

But I know I'm not a ****** person
I refuse to believe that.

Maybe I'm being prideful or whatever,
I don't care.

I'm not a ****** person.
I don't want to believe that ever again.

"I see your heartbreak, and I feel your pain"

sigh, where am I going with this?