I see it happening in all of the jumps and laughter of the little one,

He has been wronged by so many people and he can’t spell yet,

I can already see the anger and tears in his eyes beneath the smiles and warmth that lies alongside his innocence,

He’s finding outlets that society will judge and he’s already ignoring them when no one’s looking in pursuit to be himself to find heroes in this world who understand and won’t yell and judge,

He feels safe and home and in peace with the surroundings that bore him it is new,

So infatuated with subtleties that he unbeknownst to himself find solitude in joy,

The kid is outrageously confused, figuring things out that I hadn’t till the latter years and it is confusing,

It’s as if you know the future of the child already despite the choices and personality of the frail soul,

You know him in and out and the kid just wants to be a kid, have fun, and surrender to happiness and safety and home,

Well home is mobile, always on the move, home is fatherless with mother selling dope, home is little torturous yells that don’t ring with I Love Yous anymore, home is torn into pieces of I don’t cares, grow ups, and be a man,

Well if you should ever find yourself so unprotected, so delirious in thought that it pains in your gut and you can’t scream out with so much intensity as to bust a balloon with red, then say ok and move on. Say okay and move on,

Repeat the torture only in your head because you don’t have the right to live in abuse, you don’t have the right to be afraid, you don’t have the right to be misunderstood, you don’t have the right to cry yourself to sleep, but it’s okay not to be okay.

My mom used to blast
the Any Given Thursday live album
out of a 1996 silver stereo system
that sat crooked in our clear library cases
at the back of the living room
with cracked CD cases stacked
on top of each other like a forty story tower.
She would accompany John Mayer,
making every song a unique duet
as she dusted the shelves and used lemon Pledge
so the cabinets and coffee tables would shine like new.

I used to sit at the top of the stairs
in my pajama bottoms and one of my dad's
old undershirts
watching her dance like a ballerina in a theater
across the floor with a vacuum for a partner.
She was so lame.

I'm fifty two now and my mother doesn't sing any more.
Instead, I just play
"Your Body is a Wonderland"
over and over again when I'm cleaning
around my son's high chair or the seven
peppermint candles I have lit on the counter.
My daughter asks me to turn it off.
"Mom, no one listens to him anymore."
But I know she will one day.

You said you wanted to take me on the roof to see the view because it was beautiful and so was I. But I never made it there. I never made it to where you are or where you were and I think I've decided that I never will.

I ran my hands down the crisp sides
of your baby blue pin-striped
Ralph Lauren button down.
The lines leading straight to your hip bones.
I wrapped my arms around your waist,
pressing my head against the chest pocket
as you smoothed my blonde hair
with your big hands
kissing the top of my head
slowly
as I breathed in your body wash
with eyes closed
saving this moment
in my kaleidoscope.

Sometimes I'll sit on the edge of your bed
and watch you fix your hair in the mirror
in just your cargo shorts.
Sometimes when you're sleeping,
I'll write stories on your chest and draw
little circles around your eyelids
or trace the curves your lips make.
Sometimes you'll wake up,
roll over, and kiss me silently
before you're back asleep again.
Sometimes I'll shout,
"Wake up!"
because you're so cute and I don't want
to be done playing yet.

I know you've seen my demons
follow me like a bad shadow,
but you've proved
that sometimes you need cracks
to let the light shine through
And guess what.
I really like you.

One finger over the other,
strands lacing together in blonde streaks
pulling the shadow back away
from my face,
tugging
at the missing pieces
until they all tucked neatly
in the right places.

You yelled at me last night
after we both got home.
I was in the shower, the steam
suffocating my already
weakened breath.
I could hear you shuffling
through the medicine cabinet
above the sink
"****!"
when the pills
spilled
all over the white tile floor,
and you without glasses
blindly searching for the pain relievers.

"I think you're taking this whole thing the wrong way"
you stated as I turned the faucet
all the way to the left.
The pressure of the shower
stabbed my back like hail
as you kept defending yourself
from the other side of the curtain.

I cried but you wouldn't be able
to tell which droplets were the tears.

I was silent the whole way through.
Pushing my hair back and massaging
my neck with my fingers
as you slammed the bathroom door.

I crawled in after I dried myself
with a towel I found in the hamper.
Your feet were hanging out of the covers.
I tucked them in and lied awake
until the alarm went off this morning.

It’s night here…
Not actually night
I can’t see
But i’m not blind
I just can’t see the world
World full of drama, lies, tears, and sadness
I don’t know you feel the same or not
But my world is just like that
All i want is to disappear
I don’t care about my family or friends
They’re fake

It’s black
Only black that i can see
Nothing’s colorful
So i took cigarette
I smoke
But it’s not enough…
I eat
Not food
Drugs
I drink
Not water
Alcohol
I go to school
Just pretend
Who cares?
Teachers? Friends? Who? Nobody

I locked myself in my room
It’s 3 AM here
Everyone’s asleep
So no one would notice
Well, if they’re awake they wouldn’t notice anyway
So i took cutter
Not for paper
To cut
Cut myself
Until i bleed

I woke up…
Whole friends, family, teachers are there
I thought i was die
No
I wish i was die
They asked what happened last night?
I said i accidentally cut myself
I know they don’t care
And never will

I was in the dark room when they said i had to leave
I was curious what they really want from me
They took my cigarette and slammed me
They asked me few questions
Pushing me to answer it
I was afraid
I had no courage to answer it
What did you do
They asked
Nothing
I said
What did you do to her
They asked again
Nothing much
I said
They looked mad
I'm in love with her, is that even a sin?
I asked
Have you ever been in love? It's the most beautiful and worst thing in this world. You couldn't choose the person, your fate did. You won't know whether she's pretty or not, smart or dumb, almost perfect or not perfect at all. Your eyes will be blind. It's time for your heart to see the world while your eyes take a rest.
I explained
////silent////
They left me alone
And came back with a gun

(a.l)