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13
Kittridge James Jan 2013
13
The number thirteen


Permanently burned into


Every memory
Kittridge James Feb 2013
The familiar rush
of adrenaline hits
almost cripplingly


Your hands have
become adjusted
to my every curve


My eyes dart
my voice becomes
a thick, heavy syrup


I flinch at first
but it switches to
thrashing about


Even just sitting
in your near vicinity
drives me batty
Kittridge James Oct 2012
My perception is going now,

It seems as if I can't hear a sound.



Cars fly past me, I'm still here,

from the moment that you left me, dear.



I'm screaming and no one can hear me,

everything I thought was wrong; completely.



All your lies all falling around your feet,

Even your façade every time we would meet.



Why would you lie so explicitly?

Was I so blinded by emotion that I couldn't see?



I guess you lied when you said "I love you too."

Now here I lay, bruised and scarred;



No one can stitch these fatal wounds.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
The moon casts an ominous shadow overhead,
as if the sun's lightbulb had gone dead.
The hairs on my neck stand on end,
something dreadful is around the bend.
I don't know what i'll find there,
there isn't any thime to prepare.

All that lie here lie dead,
some stabbed, some shot in the head.
The engraved marble shines with threatening air,
something tells me i'm in for a scare.
A flash of steel announces the precense of his quarry,
this is where I begin to worry.

He starts to circle me menacingly,
that solomn steel blade is all I see.
The corners of his mouth turn up to see
the prominate fear inside me.
He crouches and bows his head,
it's all to clear he wants me dead.

The bite of his blade is all too real,
the wound he just made will not heal.
My heartbeat significantly slows down,
as I bleed I fall to the cold hard ground.
As my vison goes I begin to see,
this thespian was always after me.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Rust and gold fall soundlessly to the sodden ground,
the smell of autumn all around.
Soft crunches beneath my feet,
the euphoric tone of my heartbeat.
Wind sweetly carresses my cheek,
leaving me unable to speak.

All the colors so vibrant and gay,
my only wish is for them to stay.
Autumn is my time of year,
nothing to lose, not much to fear.
I climbed the old solomn oak tree
and beyond the horizon I did see.

So cool and carefree, but it isn't only me.
You've proven how happy I can possibly be.
Just stay right here by my side,
lay with me and enjoy the ride.
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Meaningless banter

Is sometimes comforting to

Absent sanity
Kittridge James Jan 2013
Bass drum meets heartbeat


I embrace the energy


Everything is right
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Bass drum meets heartbeat

I embrace the energy

Everything is right
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Trying to take back what's already been done,
trying to change the past; something that can never be.
Trying to find my better half

Always there for others
No one there for me
Seeing the girl who needed to feel complete,
Breaking out of me now, just begging to be wanted.

Becoming the main source of the pain,
missing the chance to stop living a lie.
Alone in an empty room,
burning all the pictures in their frames

Seeing that girl in the mirror,
hiding the sorrow she knows so well.
Living in the shadow of my mistakes,
running from myself again.

I don't have a reason to stand still,
I'm becoming so unstable.
The girl behind the mask,
starts to show what she carries in her heart

Showing all that she has to offer,
and how fragile she truly is.
Showing how brave she can be,
going out and revealing her skeletons.

Reaching out, but she got away.
Reaching out, but she's starting to fade.
Knowing that I let her die,
knowing I created her lie.

I'm screaming and crying for help.
Lying on the ground, no one comes to my aid.
I'm bleeding from wounds left open.
I'm bruised and black and alone.

Her face is without emotion.
My heart is still beating, but I'm losing feeling
I have no one left within.
I'm growing darker, growing colder.

Not able to get up,
Not able to care anymore.
The girl behind the mask,
now shows her true face.
Kittridge James Jan 2013
You were never mine


Your eyes only hid secrets


It's better this way
Kittridge James Oct 2012
When the razor doesn't hurt anymore,

When you can't do anything to even the score.

Your heart is jet black when they don't come back;

You're always wondering what you lack.



The blood trickles down your arms as the tears do down your face;

You're the one, you're the disgrace. The wasted unit of space.

You're the black sheep and your wool is tainted,

This image of macabre has been repeatedly painted.



The pain in your heart has left you battered and slain;

But in edgewise, the last thing you want to do is complain.

So you **** it up and you smile; that ought to hold them off a while.

You want to scream with every excruciating mile.



Finally you let the scream escape your heart;

That's when the bloodshed does start.

Your screams only grow in volume from here; the stabs you feel are just like spears.

You just can't take it anymore, it's not like anyone can hear.



You take this knife, six and a half inches long; you hold it to your throat in despair.

There is no feeling in the world you would dare to compare.

Drag it hard, make it count; a loved one you will always be without.

That's the one you've been crying about.



The scarlet sprays; a gorgeous colour.

Your body hidden alone in this cellar.

Your heart, stagnant and deathly black.

No one knows, but you aren't coming back.
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Look into my eyes

Push your passion into me

This is total bliss
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Hurtled through love,

Dark, robust, romantic

Violent memories

Tearing through a moonless night

Hooting and growling through a treatise

A spiritual rebirth, heaved into heartbreak

Ever revving metaphor

Shake it Out

I am done with my graceless heart,

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and restart

Melodrama vastly inflated

Turbulent ballads, booming drums

The wind chorales howling melodies

Hopeless romantic separating rapture from disaster

Love is a vast and violent force

Overflow of iconoclastic shamelessness

Leave my Body

Midnight-on-the-moors

Oh my love don't forget me
Kittridge James Oct 2012
She holds her composure better than me,

And yet she's falling apart.



I can see a bit of purple around her eye,

where her foundation didn't cover.

She's always in long sleeves,

to cover the bumps and the scars.



She's in so much pain, yet she smiles.

She's got a round bump under her shirt,

But it isn't from a boyfriend or an act of passion.



She used to be called anorexic,

when the reality was, she didn't have food to

feed herself, nor the child she is being forced to carry.



She is missing chunks of her long blonde hair.

She only has three outfits.

Her only pair of shoes are plagued with tears and holes.



Her blue jeans are covered in crimson stains,

beyond her façade she's screaming.



And yet, despite all of these things she's enduring;



She just puts on a big smile,

And pretends everything is okay.
Kittridge James Nov 2012
The way your eyes are

They coax me into your grasp

I can't help myself
Kittridge James Oct 2012
A silver film

Covers the iris


A brilliant abrasion

Shrouds the throat


A plight of lacerations

Cover the corpse


There was always

A cry for help


She was always

Drowning in sadness


But you never

Know what you have


Until It's dead and gone
Kittridge James Oct 2012
I wished on every fallen eye lash,
I wished on every star,
But it seems like every time I try,
I gain just one more scar.

I can't take your pity.
You don't have to forgive me for my sins.
The only thing I ask of you,
Is can you please just be my friend?

You are no better than me or them;
We are all the same.
But only when your knife is in my back,
is the time you're content.

You shout harsh words,but we're the same.
You hurt,just like me,
and when you're hurt,you bleed.
I bled for you.

You were caught up in your own little games,
and you wouldn't even listen when I said,
"My soul died that night."

You wonder what Happened.
Why can't I speak?
Because all your words were hurtful,
When I'm hurt,I bleed.

But you don't understand,
the scars are making me weak.
I can't take your pity.
You don't have to forgive me for my sins.

The only thing I ask of you,
Is can you please,just be my friend.
I'm lying in the darkness.
You're hiding from yourself.
If you were my friend,
You never would have left me on the shelf.

The tears I shed are for the ones you've failed
to shed on your own.
They're not only mine, they're theirs as well.

Your family.
Your friends.
And you.

I tried to help you break down the wall,
But every chance you watched me fall.
I wished on every fallen eye lash,
I wished on every star,
But it seems like every time I try
I gain just one more scar.

I'll be waiting in the darkest corner
when you finally realize who you are.
While you are out there living your life,
Just remember;my soul died that night.

Give it some time yours is on its way.
As you're slowly trying to salvage the remains,
I'll be waiting, while I'm filling out your

Death certificate.
Kittridge James Nov 2012
When Death comes knocking

I'll let him in with pleasure

I am unafraid
Kittridge James Jul 2014
Music floats lazily through the muggy July air
Our legs are intertwined, but like never before
Your face is alongside mine,
there's a fire gleaming our cheeks

I can't help but feel a little electricity
as you stroke my hair,
and peek at me through timid eyes
Exasperated, I murmur,

"Fire. I can't take it anymore."
Set to collision, I twist my body nearer
Your hands graze my waist as
our lips meet fervidly, rhythmically

Impulse and emotion lull
you cuddle nearer and caress my face
I encircle my arms around your shoulders
"This trip did something," I whisper,
"I see you differently."
Kittridge James May 2013
Every wall is
simply seething with
uncomfortable tension
and bubbling anger

I've become almost
painfully aware that
something around me
just isn't right

Even the metronome-
constant ticking of
the antique clock
cannot settle me
Kittridge James Mar 2013
Here I am
on my little island

Over there
is my faithful row boat

All of my trees
are starting to die

There's not a flower
to be picked or enjoyed

Not another being
is to be discovered

It seems like my
little island is shrinking

My boat oars  are
broken to splinters

Violent waves are
devouring the shore

Thunder cracks and
clouds swirl perilously

Lightening strikes,
fire breaks out

My trusted shelter
is completely obliterated

On ly little island
in my sea of solitude

Fires rages and
lightening plagues

I find myself
fading away
Kittridge James May 2013
I'm starting a journey.

My feet are already bloodied,
and my muscles are strained to
near complete disrepair;

But this is my self-discovery.

You have to let me
find and become myself.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
I'd never seen her so beautiful,
the color of life now covering her once ivory complexion.
The heart that once beat is now stagnant and black.
This thing in my hand, locked and loaded;
the shiniest gunmetal I've seen in a while.
Her only solitary life now gushing from her head.

Why did I take her life you ask?
It was those eyes...those godforsaken white, sightless eyes!
They never saw anything I am or ever will be.
All I ever wanted was for her to see!!
I've wanted to gouge them out since the day our two
lives became a single, cohesive one.

But it was those eyes that drove me to this.
Never had she seen my face.
Why is this just now occuring to me?
Yes, of course I loved her.
Mad? Why would you say that?

What is a madman? Me? A madman?
Preposterous!! What is a madman?
Certainly not in comparison to me.
I am the spitting image of true sanity...
Or am I?

I see no wrong doing in my actions.
I was simply doing her a favor...
Though, I probably should've been more humane
with the child she was carrying...

My child! My own flesh and blood!! Gone forever!
But it was for the good of both of them I presume...
There was a good chance my son would've been blind.

...My son!! My baby boy!!! How tragic a day this is!
Well, there wasn't any stipulation to 'Till death do us part'.
There wasn't any specification on how it was to happen.

I look to the gunmetal again.
It is to blame for this tragedy...
I hold the faithful steel grey to the side of my head
and look to my deceased spouse and unborn child.

Finally, I give the gun one final squeeze goodbye...
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Please enlighten me

How on earth you can simply

Keep fighting on cue
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Forsaken flames,

lick your way across my hips,

a pleasure that

I have dearly missed


Beautiful flames;

my lovely poison.

Their forgiving intensity,

bites just as I remember


Scarlet flames,

wrap your tendrils round me.

You're dripping with satisfaction

when I know not of other pleasures


Flames,

love me tender,

bring me pain;

come and coddle me


Every new, unwelcomed day
Kittridge James Oct 2012
The sun sets at the lonely sea,
how I wish you were holding me.
The day you left is still fresh and new,
I wanted to tell you, but didn't have a chance to.

These wounds are stitched but are not healing,
the day you left has my mine reeling.
When you left my life soon ended,
my outlook is anything but splendid.

Sadness has completely overwhelmed me,
without you there is nothing to see.
Pain has dyed my heart jet black,
it hurts to know you aren't coming back.

I remember the feel of your gentle caress as
the corner of the razor bores into my flesh.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
A haunting melody
of razorblade to skin
The ghastly sight
of a newly opened wound
A sweet rush of diziness
A symphony of screams

A flood of horrifying visions
A heavy bout of shivers
A heartbeat set ablaze
The lacerations are deepening
The blood is running cooler
The edges are growing darker

A haunting melody
of a shovel in the dirt
The ghastly sight
of an open trench-grave
A sweet rush of a funeral dirge
A symphony of tears

and they're all falling for me
Kittridge James Mar 2013
Pent up
Stressed out

Anger seething
Blood boiling

Sadness resonating
Depression looming

All of it replaced
with a green haze

The lesson here
is simple you see

It's easy  to be
happy and positive

When all your thoughts
simply drift away

With the smoke you exhale
I don't know if my subtle referencing would be considered explicit so I'll mark it just in case.
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Silence is comfort

I'm living in dream sequence

I have lost myself
Kittridge James Nov 2012
The cold overtakes

What was once beating in my

Burning heart of hearts
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Any thought of your

Smug smirk or sweet smile

Tears at my heartstrings
Kittridge James Oct 2012
The rays of sunlight are shunned by the drapes pulled tight.
Music is at war with the silence the space once held.
Tears roll down her cheeks and land on her crossed legs.
All she wanted was to be loved in return for hers.

She clutches onto the sharp silver object, ignoring the fact
that the corner is boring into her pale white flesh.
Blood runs down her arms and her abdomen as she wonders
why she tries. Why was she even born?

Her heartbeat speeds up as she lifts the sharp, stainless
object and sees her own frightened reflection.
Her eyes are red and swollen from her tears.

The object is guided to her neck.
Her hands shaking a bit a she begins to drag.
The blood sprays from her pallid canvas as she pushes harder.
Then she sees nothing but darkness.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
My fists repeatedly striking her face,
oh, how right it feels.
The way her nose crunches when it breaks,
oh, how right it feels.
The chunks of her skin under my nails,
oh how right it feels.
These handfulls of hair that I clutch,
oh, how right it feels.
Her screams of pain and suffering,
oh, how right it feels.
How her face turns purple as my grip tightens,
oh, how right it feels.
How her heartbeat starts to slow down,
oh, how right it feels.
When her eyes roll back,
oh how right it feels.
When her chest falls for the last time,

HOW ******* RIGHT THIS FEELS!!
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Her soft voice rings in my ears.
My heart melts into the music;
yet again another pain,
yet again another evening filled with tears.

The drum beats are the only thing keeping my
tears from falling much much faster.
Why is it that I lose myself when
you're not here?

I know I am only a selfish and needy mess;
that's all I will ever be.
I'm starting to deteriorate into something
that I used to be that time ago.

For one reason or another, I know I don't
deserve someone as wonderful as her.
But deep in my heart, she is the only person keeping me
pressing on with every excruciating mile.

I only hope she knows how to save a life.

My heart is hurting almost like it is breaking again;
I don't know if I can handle this on my own.
All I can really do is hope;
hope that I will be able to make it.

I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all in one fatal
swoop of this small stainless object.
I know I'm not strong.
I know this isn't supposed to happen.

I just wish I had some ******* incentive.
All my drive for importance has vanished
within these last three years.
My morals have left me.

I'm sobbing right now.
My mind is in peril.
My heart is screaming.

I only hope she knows how to save a life.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
I am a mess and a masterpiece
I wonder how it feels to fly
I hear my life ticking away
I see the paint eluding the canvas
I want to be free
I am a mess and a masterpiece

I pretend that I am not afraid
I feel like I'm falling to pieces
I touch the glittering sunlight
I worry about my future plans
I cry pools of blue paint
I am a mess and a masterpiece

I understand that not everyone is good
I say a prayer for equality
I dream of a surreal life behind a lens
I try to smile even when it hurts
I hope some day I will be good enough
I am a mess and a masterpiece
Kittridge James Oct 2012
I just don't see
I can never please you
I always mess something up

I just don't see
Why I always say
something wrong or
insensitive in your eyes

I just don't see
Why I even try with you
anymore
Kittridge James Oct 2012
I am no vessel of perfection.
I'm crazy, unstable and emotional.
My hair never lays quite right.
My clothes aren't the most expensive.

I am no vessel of perfection.
I talk to myself.
I see things that aren't there.
I'm not the skinniest girl ever.

I am no vessel of perfection.
I'm adamant in what I believe.
I'm loud and derranged.
My room is usually messy.

I am no vessel of perfection.
I care too much.
I'm too nice.
I hate school and my grades ****.

I am no vessel for perfection;
and yet, she still seems to think
I am flawless.
I am the sunshine.

She says that I am her world.
She holds me when I cry.
Her kisses make me weak in the knees.
My hands fit perfectly in hers.

She says that I am her world.
She is my last missing puzzle piece.
Her beauty is remarkable.
I don't deserve someone so wonderful.

She says that I am her world;
She says that I am the one.
She asked me to marry her,
and all I could do was gawk.

I am no vessel for perfection;
But for some reason, she seems to think

I make the world go round.
Kittridge James May 2013
Only in my state

Of punch-drunk

In love and

My buzzy body high

Can make me feel as if

I radiate poetry
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Empty promises

No friends and broken bottles

Is it Friday yet?
Kittridge James Sep 2013
I am free
My shackles have
fallen to the floor
My wounds are healed
My scars are a story
now in the past

I am free
My heart is mended
My once bleak outlook,
now shines with positivity
A bright future
now lies ahead

I am free
Liberated of self harm
Cured of self pity
Safe from myself
I have found stability
and I'm starting fresh

I am free
My weight has been lifted
My stars appear brighter
My happiness has returned
I have recovered

And now, I am free
Kittridge James Oct 2012
When you feel alone
Smile
Just for me

When your hurt
just brush it off
and try to laugh

When you miss me
know that
I'm always with you

When you're angry
just close your eyes
and think of us

When you cry
try and smile
Just for me

And even though
my breathing has stopped
and I am merely ashes

And even though
I'm scattered,
one with the earth

Smile.
   Just for me
Kittridge James Jan 2013
Tremours plague me

Always a shiver

A constant shake


My eyes never

Give away any

Truth of my being


I honestly

Barely know myself

Most of the time
Kittridge James Jan 2013
Your eyes are filled with


Broken promise and empty


Lies about your life
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Your eyes are filled with

Broken promises, empty

Lies about your life
Kittridge James Nov 2013
There’s a whirlwind caught in my hair
There’s a hurricane ringing in my ears
My eyes are starting to flood
Your words are painted on
every wall on my mind.

I never wanted to mimic
Nor try to steal your thunder,
I just absorb your lightening outbursts
as if they were soft raindrops
And kiss your looming electricity

But there’s one thing I’ve learned
About all the thunder and lightening,
It doesn’t mean that you’re explosive,
It just means that you give me drive,
To keep you going
Kittridge James Nov 2012
Pretty little thing

Let me pull you into a

warm and tight embrace
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Barely more then ordinary,

but nothing like the rest.

Why when I explain myself

does it feel like I confess;

something you should know

but you refuse too see.

I can be extraordinary

just by being me.




Pace yourself, hold your ground,

so you won't disappear.

They try to change you every day

with lies, your dreams, and fear.

You're already formed inside,

why won't they look and see?

You're already beautiful,

a diamond breaking free.




So let this pain help you endure

the troubles that you face.

Heartache will be come your strength

until you find your place.

Nothing is Impossible,

if you can still believe.

That one day their "impossible",

you somehow will achieve.




Your life is just another page,

waiting for you to write.

Without it you can not have joy,

so don't give up and fight.

If you should become confused,

unsure of the right way.

If it brings unease to your heart

then you should turn away.




Don't use others as a means

to get what you desire.

Guilt will burn away your soul,

and leave a scar like fire.

Never throw away your pride.

for the easy choice.

The silent ones are watching you,

listening for your voice.
Kittridge James Oct 2012
It won't stop
this lovely colour
gushing out from
a hole in my being

It's staining this
ivory coloured rag
I'm also weeping
It still won't cease

It wont' stop
this lovely colour
gushing out from
my shrouded sorrow
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Two Hearts Beat as One

Undeniably magnificent

Open-heart despair

Tougher rhythm dominating bonded purpose

I Fall Down

Can't wait to get to Berlin

Short-sided bravado

Notably lacking comparison

The edge of nihilism

It's New Year's Day,

And Sunday ****** Sunday

Matured maverick solider

Exact achievements contrary to empathetic aspirants

Reunion in October

Temporarily divided by faith

Undeniable spiritual optimism

Victory, complete ardor

Promising and passionate

Rejoice in optimistic reunion

Two hearts beat out of control
Kittridge James Oct 2012
Sitting in her room, back against the door,
Playing her music so loud she can feel it in the floor.
She turns off the light, opens the curtains, lets in the breeze.
She wants to stand looking through window, she doesn't care if she does freeze

Downstairs she can hear the screaming, she closes her eyes.
she feels the acidic tears start to drip, feels the buzzing inside like a thousand flies.
She opens the window, ever so slightly,
She wishes for someone, anyone to creep in and grab her tightly.

One hand on the windowsill, the other gripping a razor hanging from a chain
They used to tell her to cut, just once, it would take away the pain.
Outside its pitch black, not even a star dares to peek,
Tonight is the night she knows the vampires start to creep.

Voices and whispering telling of dark tales
She has heard the breath of an empty body, felt the grip, heard the wails.
Pushing and pushing, the window open wide
That's it, she has lost her chance, no point in trying to hide

Slide down the wall, back against the brick
Knees beneath her chin, hearing the clock tick.
Shaking back and forth, downstairs its quiet
She knows what they are trying to do, she won't buy it.

Her music finally stops, as if paused mid-word
Outside nothing could live, not a human, not a bird.
The air begins to solidify, her shaky hands grip her hair
Looking down at the floor, she'll pretend it's not there.

Footsteps approach, creaky floorboards give their warning
Even if anyone was around, they wouldn't hear her calling.
Others would be scared, but right now her heart beats for this
She has heard of the story, human gets bitten, not a voice just a hiss.

She looks down still, she fears if their eyes meet she might see,
See the face that shall haunt her yet set her free
It reaches out and places a finger under her chin
His hands so cold, yet warm within.

As if it knew what she needed so badly,
He lifted her head and icy eyes looked at her so sadly.
Her heart races, she can barely breathe, who knew that he would
Creep in through her window, her little sign, he knows not of good.

Lips so full she yearns to hear his voice, hair so dark it matches midnight
Unlike the tales he is soft and gentle, his heart free and light.
They both stop, stare at each other, he knows what she is thinking
Tattoos on his pale skins of chains, if he was to move she's sure she would hear clinking.

His hand tilts her head, she can feel breath on her neck,
"Are your windows locked? Make sure you check!"
Moving in closer, she knows what his kind do,
She doesn't what to stop this, even though she knows what she will go through.

Two little points, pressed against her neck, surely they are teeth
His hands on her should, holding her like a tree holds its leaf.
He presses harder, piercing her skin,
Warmth drips out, a glowing form within.

She gasps a little, its finally done
All these years she has fought to be noticed, her battle is won.
Alone in this house, she lays in his arms,
Neither of them speak, he never hurts he never harms.

Her pulse starts to slow, he is drinking silently
Stealing her life, but gently not violently.
Maybe she'll change into someone like him, a vampire,
Alone in the night, just him and her, they will float higher and higher.

So empty she's so pale, so weak and so frail
Her head against his chest, a unique scent she does inhale.
Still he stays holding her close, a woman's life,
Stolen in the night, gone forever, without a gun. Without a knife.
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