(turning anger into art; a rant)

you forgot what it meant to be a friend
I tried to make it work
but I forgot that friendships are
In fact,
a two way street

Silly, silly me.
I can't put broken pieces of a mirror back together
without look at myself through these shards
my hands bleeding
wondering what I did wrong
wondering why you didn't help fix this mess
wondering why it broke in the first place

I can't be angry anymore
I can't mourn the beautiful friendship we never had

sometimes I want to text you and apologize
maybe it's my fault for not speaking first
my fault for not coming to you and asking, "why?"
my fault for letting you in
expecting too much
I think about calling you
and when I do
you apologize,
pull the knife from my back
and let me bleed

I'm a terrible person

Sometimes I see people struggling just to survive
They've got words on a cardboard sign
and sometimes
I don't help them out


I'm a terrible person

I've got two hands
a heart
a mind
a little cash in my pocket
and yet I still don't choose to use them wisely

but most of all
I'm terrible because
of all the people I could have chosen
I chose you

I chose you and I let myself keep choosing you
I let myself cry and ache
I sacrificed myself to have you and now
I'm broken


I'm terrible because I'm weak
I'm weak and you're gone
This wasn't the ending I planned.

It's 12:34 am and I can't stop thinking
Seconds pass
And as I close my eyes for the tenth time
Your face flashes before my eyelids

I'm lost in the portrait of your eyes
Mesmerized by the curve of your lips
Don't get attached... Don't get attached...

I hear my name on your tongue
The sweetest taste in your mouth you say
Those words will be my undoing

Let me in

I close the door.
Draw a line.
Create a barrier.
Whatever it takes to keep you away
But you speak to me through the walls

You unhinge the latch
Swing open the door
Await in the silhouette

You've broken in.

This former concept
to which I clutch so tightly
Might shatter beneath my hold

This past self that I cling to
Makes my knuckles bleed
But I revel in the pain

Love me until I am me again.

Love me until you feel my essence
Seeping through the gaps between your fingers
Until you find watermarks of my actuality
Etched into the ripples of your sheets

Hold me until you plunder the depths of my soul
Until you explore my entire existence
Every inch
Every crevice
And every splinter

Kiss me until your lips find the humanity inside me
And the wickedness withers away in your arms

Love me until I belong to myself
Love me until I am me again.

After a year you decided
I was your tattered t-shirt
You threw me out and you left on the curb

I'm cold
I'm cold

In the back of your closet
I'm just a photograph
Polaroid from three years ago
You never looked back
You're moving on

I can't blame you
for chasing your own dream
Maybe we're two differences
with opposite destinies
The land where my fantasies start to
collide with reality
My heart shatters in remains of what
we used to be

It dawns on me the promises we've broken
your lingering scent that
my pillows are cloaked in
I'll pretend that
I'm not hurting
You'll pretend that you
don't notice

I can't blame you for
chasing your own dream
I was just a star in your
infinite galaxy
We're crashing and tumbling
on the shores of the same beach
When you find where you belong in this world
Please remember me.

“I’m fine,” I’ll say.
And I’ll lie to your face and smile and act like
I’m okay
But I am not okay

“Nothing’s wrong,” I’ll tell you
And I will assure you that I am emotionally stable
That my tears are not threatening to spill from the surface
But they are

Because there are some wounds that Band-Aids cannot heal
And pain that ibuprofen cannot suppress

There are monsters inside of me
That even my bones cannot protect me from

*But I am okay.
I am okay.

It’s moments like these—
When your eyes connect with mine,
And I can’t help but fawn over their beauty.

Moments when your fingerprints leave
Invisible marks on my skin.
Branding me
Promises of forever,
A mere dream unspoken on your tender lips

Your kisses stealing
The end of my sentences
Murdering me soundlessly with every
Drawl of my name
And lingering glance

It’s moments like these,
When I thought it weren’t possible
Or not possible enough
That I’ve fallen even more in love
With your presence or
Your every word

Moments like these when I cannot control
The utter and irrefutable
Desire

The craving to be near you
To hold you
And just feel your existence

Moments that remain imprinted in my mind