you weaved your way
through each level of my
humanity...

i let you into my curious
mind
and somehow,
you invaded my reticent
heart.
i showed you my maimed and scarred
body
and entrusted you with my bare, naked
soul.

...and after you'd seen me in
whole,
and realized that im a
settlement -
never to be an explorers
home,
you abandoned
what you had once
so carefully
mapped.

I can feel myself going
Numb

And I'm terrified

Because as bad as the
Pain is

Not feelings is so much
Worse

the Stars that are so far
above and just out of reach,
reassure me
as my shaky breathe shudders,
becoming steadily more even
as each minute is
added into the whole
of a day.

inhale. "you're okay"
exhale. "you're so close"
inhale. "you're okay"
exhale. "you're so close"

i opened my window today

i can feel the sun on my
fingertips
and on my
cheek

i look out my open window
and i see people
walking
and breathing
and being alive

today i feel
alive
too

i hope that when
the last
autumn leaf
falls
our love won't have
tumbled down
with it

I'm tangled up in the way
you hold my hands
and in the way
you set the oven timer.

I'm tangled in the way
you explain your favorite movies to me.
in the way
you say "Thursday",
the way
you sing along with the radio.

I'm tangled in the way
you make me feel
so full and
so loved
in one moment
and in the next,
you make me feel
unimportant and
forgotten.

I'm tangled in the
overwhelming love
I hold in my heart for you
that you
don't hold for me.

It's 12:37 in the morning
and as a new day is a little more than half way though it's first hour of existence
the rain starts to drop.

It's said that each storm begins with only a single drop.
But that can't be true because as I'm lying here,
the abundance of rain drops all crashing down at once
couldn't have begun with
just one falling all alone.

Most don't understand my love for rain.
They say the rain is too grey and
too cold.  
But rain brings life.
But rain brings peace.
But rain brings rest.

It's now 12:49 and the day has almost made it through
the first hour.
The rain celebrates with
the young life of this new day by giving the flowers a reason to still bloom,
even though the sun has scorched them,
this downpour allows them to live another day
giving beauty in an world that's undeserving.
It gives peace to those who have been haunted by the silence,
the stillness of the humid evening.
It gives rest to me
when last night's sleep was so difficult to hold on to
and waking with the sun was frustratingly impossible.

It's 1:04 in the morning
and as a new day is only a few minutes through it's second hour of existence,
the rain ceases to drop.

from the eyes of the Heavens,
Aphrodite
saw you bloom.
she watched your
beauty grow,
rather than pruning
the jealousy
of her own
heart.

You felt her gaze
upon you,
and became bashful
and ashamed.
But your elegance is
not your
definition.

Zeus,
the Father of Olympus,
took one glance at you
and knew
that your loveliness
was not your
significance.
He saw
your purpose,
and turned the focus
from your blushing petals,
to your roots
that hold the ability to heal.

from your very core,
your beauty has
come from
your healing.

Bask in your truth,
my flower.

everyone else is
adventuring into the future
and I've trapped myself in a corner
trying to untangle our present

you're three hours behind
but it feels as if
I'm light years ahead

I thought I'd tell you about
my childhood and what
my tattoo means

but all you want to hear
is a breathy version of my voice
between
the kisses and
between
the sheets

you talked about
remodeling our
kitchen
and now
youre cooking in
someone else’s

you made plans
for our future
like there was
one

i gave you my
everything
and you wished i kept
some for
myself

i gave you my
life
and it wasn't enough

i tried to give you my
death
and you didnt want it

you didnt want me
you dont want me

how do i stop
longing for
you?

In the past
I would take a razor
to my skin

but now
I take a cigarette
to my lips

and I don't know
which is worse because both
remind me of the life
im suffocating

missing you is
harder than i remember it
being

being apart from you is
something new and completely
challenging

challenging myself to grow
without you is nearly
impossible

i need you

with every breath i draw,
im taking you in.
with every sight i behold,
im reminded that the most wonderful
is you.
with every intrusive sound
that rings through my ears,
im brought back to your melodic voice.

even when youre 558 miles from me
your presence is everywhere,
my love.

Im trying to fix us
with Gorilla glue

but its only pushing us
further

the way you touch my face and brush your lips against mine.

the way you look at me like no ever has before.

the way you hold me like youre never going to let go.

the way you show me love in everything you do.

I promise never to forget the way to you.

laying next to you
and feeling our
infinity

our souls touching
through our
skin

this is exactly as
it should
be

get higher
as the
sun
gets lower

rise up
with the
stars

hello moon

when gravity
hits
you feel
content

i wish we’d danced one last time

i wish id known that i wouldn’t get another chance to be held by you
and move together
to our song

i wish id asked you to dance
and im so sorry i didnt
im so sorry

you hated
the smell of my
smoke

is that why you liked
the smell of her
perfume?

she smelled of
lavender & home

& tasted of
cinnamon & smoke

when i laid my heart on the table ,
at the first moment we met ,
did you not see
the red flags
woven together to form
a beating,
bleeding vessel?

i warned you of my flaws
u said it was okay
i told you i wasn't stable and that "crazy" wasn't an unfamiliar term
and you told me nothing could be worse than what you'd already seen.

but here we are again, in this
familiar conversation -
different person ,
same sentiment.
"you need help."

i often find myself pausing
in front of each passing
bouquet,
in hopes that you'll
notice my longing gaze ,
pick up a bundle and
place them in my hands
with a smile that whispers ,
" they're yours" .

but today
you weren't there next me,
and the temptations grew sweeter
as the smell of the petals did, too.

so i fell into
their intoxicating aroma and
their blushing petals as
they fell into my basket.

i'll bring you
my paint stained body
if you promise to look at
each splatter ,
each accidental stroke
as their own
individual
works of art .

bring me your
cracked and broken hands
to love and adore
for the home they've built ,
for the warmth they give
and ill hold them
forever
in mine.

I hope for her sake,
You never love her like
You loved me.

May you never
open your arms to comfort her
to then refuse her need of a
reassuring embrace.

May you never make
a home for her
Only to tell her
she makes it empty.

May she never be told
“No one else loves you”
So that she knows she can be
Loved by all.

May you love
your daughter,
with the love you
were shown and
never the love you’ve given.