Everyone thought her lonliness was due to the death of her husband.
In reality it was because she had never revealed her own truths.
Keeping them tucked away, hidden in her capillaries.
The secrets best kept, are the ones we can forget.
She feared exposing what it is that makes her,
resulting in dull conversations that could only please strangers.
Never had she considered that what she was doing was decietful,
but rather just enjoying a life of ignorance.
A child hiding inside, holding back the tears of life.
She has now made a promise--
to never return to his grave, or even speak his name.
For when she saw in her minds eye the bones of her deceased lover,
decaying and rotting away, just like the memories in her old age;
she came to understand the purpose of that cage we call ribs.

I will, because I am too much of a coward to not.

                         The beat carries something more, something more than the blood that is pumping.  I'm not trying                                                           ­      to get carried away, but I guess I am being taken away.
      Somewhere I've never been.
Where                    strangers are more than just the friends I have acquired. 
        
              

               Your words are scattered and chattered all over the scenes of conversation. 


                              I don’t want this attention.

                Did you have a bag with you?
                One that interprets the truth of all that you hold,

                All that you carry? 

                
                Don’t look at me that way. 

                Don’t expect more than you can endure. 

                Our wishes, after all are just time
                spent wasted,

                So I choose to not let
                my knowledge leave me degraded. 


                Pushed to limits, and still believing in the words

                That hold us together, 

                Whether their argument is sound,   Or NOT. 

And here I am, caught and stuck
            In the tornado
      of self-destruction.
               Drink it in, forget without.
                     Who knows what it is that we feel, 
        
                   In the tangles of webs that we make our homes. 
         Erase, what, was, known,
Erase, the, words, that, have, been, absorbed.

Erase, and let
                       the world be new again.

The one great enemy of all of those that perceive, is doubt.
How it floods my watering mind, leaves me crashing amongst the waves of esteem and confidence. When I am least aware, that is when the little viral thoughts return. Infecting all that I am, and all that I am trying to become.
Time so constant that what has happened, has transpired only to lead us to what is happening, and what will happen.
It is what it is. What it is not, it cannot ever be.
My past is what must be embraced in order for me to move forward. Years have passed, bringing me forth to this very moment where I am finally ready and willing to do just that; embrace what I cannot change. A wild memory of a memory,
it was your words that reawakened a purpose, a meaning, a way of life within me.

I will not be a prisoner of doubt if I willingly choose not to do so. The chains I unknowingly placed around my very mind have left scars;
wounds that have become a  commitment to my flesh.
A girl once told me, when I made my self vulnerable to her with my inner workings, that my scars can only tell a story of which I was once in pain, and have now healed. I now understand that the those wounds within, the wounds that were not visible to the eye, cannot heal if they are not avowed.  I was so fearful of looking into that which confines me, acknowledging that I was damaged, that I was only allowing myself to continue a life of pain.
For too long my afflicted heart and mind was rotting and decaying inside. All because I was choosing a path of ignorance.
But here I am awake, and ready to accept that which breaks my heart. Knowing that if i let it break now, the process of healing can begin.

Let the pieces fall where they fall,
because my thoughts
are crashing fast
& I don’t know
if there is time
before they cease to
exist.

As I search for sanctification
I lose myself in validity.
Thoughts pulled and thrown across
my mind that has no boundaries,
except for the ones I have
created.

I can see all that I want to,
but it is hard to interpret
the truth, and what lies
it holds and transforms into
beliefs.

The pieces have fallen,
& in all my searching,
I have discovered the only answer is
accepting.

logic seems to be lost in the disease
i become self absorbed with the lies
that the enemy whispers into my thoughts.

it is all in the mind

lovers will go, and come
but truly, i cannot predict the future
so i shall live with no expectations
and even in doing so
my hopes will shatter

i have told lies
and lies have made me
just like they have made you
maybe it is the lie that we are born into
and sadly, the truth is hidden

addicted to the thought of death
and the pure imagination
that my very being will have no impact
on this wide wild world before me
but i now realize
that everything happens for a reason
even my past pain, the suffering, and especially...
all the treason

so i shall no longer pray for a cure
i will embrace my scars
slowly, but surly
i will do what i was meant to

i have no magic carpet to take me on this journey
nor do i have a hand to hold, and comfort mine
but i have faith, and hope
that there will be a better tomorrow
even if the forecast tells of gray dismal skies

the past has brought us here to the present
and here we patiently anticipate what will happen next
what might go wrong, or right
all depending on our actions
and still we ask ourselves why
"Why."

and i am here, not to give you the answer
but to inform you
that you must create your own
for each question that you ask
we must seek what we are looking for
and i may be blind to the truth
but i am working on that,
i am no disgrace

There is no lack of communication.
For our tongues do not stop
To appreciate silence.

Your presence consumes me
Filling me with heavy waves of ecstasy.
But all that rises must one day crash.

Like how your skin holds you in,
My past clings to my tomorrow--
And doubt leaks into the cracks.

Complicating simplicity.
To not take the risk.
A love so true, yet found homeless
                                          and unrequited.

Setting myself up for failure before I even attempt to try.

                  And still,
Deep within all that is who I am
I still feel as if it is you alone who can fill
This insatiable appetite.

Fear flows in,
and I wonder if there is even room
in my heart for desire.

I went through the motions
thinking the actions would take back
all the sorrow I have been born into.

Now I find I am setting myself up for failure
before I even attempt to try,
acknowledging this…

A heart ruptured in mind. Bones
still stand, but a pain from the core
remains when

The truth is before me
and eyes hold me back
when seeking out perspective.

A fear that cannot
be grasped when facing
the imprisonment of what
we choose to believe,

And he dreams of my salvation--
Coming up to the altar and breaking
open my ribs to give my heart to the Lord.



I thought it sounded great
when I was younger.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.
My teeth get *****, just like my thoughts and heart.
I have yet to find the purpose,
and acknowledge what it's worth.

The straps on my watch have broken,
But hands are always moving.

I remember the look of your eyes
as you slipped past conscienceness into a world unspoken.
Muscles stiff, and bones locked.
Lips losing life. All was blue.
I held up your head, eyes rolling back--
I had to leave the room.
I cried by the window.
Those eyes, your eyes,
were not yours for that moment.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.

I have brushed my teeth,
and reconsidered it all.
Our hearts continue to beat,
and you have risen from your fall.

I may not have found the purpose,
but I've still got the time.

roll the dice;
gamble your life away
don't think twice
about what you have to say--

i'm am just the voice
that flows through each telephone wire
i must admit, it was my choice
that i made, but it was you
who chose that it was me
that you desire

so i inhale the the nicotine
there is a quixotical wave
that overwhelms my being
the thought that i am not one
that you can save
delights me so


but now the cellular device
is blowing up
but it would be nice
if they would take a sip
from the devils cup
drink it down;
sell your soul
make your dreams shatter
go towards the hellish town
break the pieces--
they were never whole
it doesn't matter
when there is an empty bowl

so i have chosen
to be ignorant
and my heart has become frozen--
i am hell sent
rising from the ashes,
that turn quick to flame
i have endured the lashes
but i am yet to be tame

you hardly knew what they were talking about,
when they said you were dying from the inside out.
& you still can't maneuver me.
& I'm still like a statued hypocrisy.
Don't look for me on the other side,
where even the monsters have to hide--
I won't cheat death, or defeat it's concept.

There is smoke, escaping from the bathroom.
the hard surface exposing a poisonous fume.
Wake up, feeling like all night you've been dead,
Wake up, feeling either a coffin or a bed.
I never said I was a savior, let alone in your favor.
Hide behind your lies, wear them like mask
Living in your disguise, isn't an easy task.

I dream in color,
so on the nights I don't remember
I just pretend;
I never rose in the morning,
The sleeping didn't end.




& it was in the morning,
when I got that wake up call.
Your voice sounded so distant and old,
My own story abandoned and untold.

Fighting the sensations;
I am speechless and consumed
With nothing
       As well as everything.

The drinks all taste the same.
Conversations become dulled down
       To empty promises.

Skeletons of chandeliers;
Ghosts of past lovers.
       Memories distorted.

The inadequate use of words
Dripping off your
       slurred tongue.

I’ve been burned before,
Leaving me fearless                 in front of the fire.

Searching for a cure;
In the coffin of
                      false happiness.

Trying to balance between    
       Reality, and self-inflating lies
While I dream of falling,
       And crashing to my demise.

The river bank is erroding,
but the trees stay rooted--
above is the sky, and
beyond is where the
tundra lies.

A life so different, and yet vaguely
familiar.
It is Sunday, and you can find me in
the desert.
My mind cannot identify the differences
in the bodies of water from
my Alaskan
memories,
or the one that is before me.
I am only able to
recognize that there is always
movement.

The current so calm, just like the
beating of my heart, the gliding of
the clouds.
If you could find my hand, would there
be any love left
to give?

I cannot hide in my skin, only
submerge into my
thoughts.

"I beg your pardon Miss, you are not
just carbon,
you have got a purpose."

One day I'll release this pen,
and free all the
fear.
                           I hope to never be found.

This distance, by no means will hold me
captive.
It is time for me to embrace it,
For I worry it is not far enough.

My eyes will always see 
  
           You upside down. 
  
           Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
           Cause it flips you right back around.

Today I tried to quit
Pushing truth further away,
Now I find I’m wrapped up in the lies.

Walking through hell--
    Just our world in disguise
All because we are told that
    We once fell.

So we create God in our image,
And find safety in mythology
But....
  

           My eyes will always see 
  
           You upside down. 
  
           Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
           Cause it flips you right back around.

We continue to make our
Own explanations,
Create our own definitions.
Ignoring all the
Wounds and lesions,
Committing upon ourselves
Our own created treason's,
All because
  
            My eyes will always see 
  
            You upside down. 
  
            Yet it doesn’t defeat the purpose
            Cause it flips you right back around.

my words to you may just be a small stone in a world full of mountains.
however these words are all I own--
and sometimes rivers start out with small earthly fountains.

My stomach churns, my eyelids fall.
I feel so tired, but I long to be awake and filled with life.
Either my friends have abandoned me, or I have abandoned them.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter now,
Knowing that I am alone.
None the less, I shall create my own solitude.
I will bend, and try not to break.
I will break, and try not to be overcome by pity.

The past is what has made me,
My own actions have made my past.

There will be a tomorrow, I have never doubted it.
I have only been unsure of how I will withstand today,
How I will endure my corrupted mind until the sun again rises.

I don’t ask why anymore.
Those three letters have plagued me for far too long.

I do not ask for the winds to change, nor do I embrace it.
I just let it be, I just let.

How queer it is to be human,
For I am as human as they come,
As human as they go.
Sunken in sorrow, uplifted in joy,
Tormented by the truth, finding safety in lies.

When I was young I thought I could do anything.
In fact I thought I could do anything a few months ago.
But change has come, and doubt has leaked into my everything.

a melody with all the wrong chords
and only i can hear it's perfection.
to others it may just be a sound,
but i exist to be in the choice of my direction.

so when i build the sand castle of my dreams
i expect the waves to crash--
the whole to unravel at its seams.
is this all in vain, or the lack there of?
surely the results i am producing must have a meaning
even if everything doesn't happen for a reason.

learning as i go, walking a path i would have never expected.
these walls have been here all along,
as have i, unable to determine their purpose
but clearly able to see
they have been built quite strong.
enduring the days that turned into memories
that when collected
                                   collect me as well.


yet the tide of the ocean does not destroy,
let alone help me to forget--
gravity;
like a disease i cannot cure
an emotion that can no longer be hidden

which then buries itself deep into the epitome of who i am,
what i have, and what will be given.
and the darkness, i have learned
is only the absence of light.

now using the best of my logic to reason what may happen,
and unfortunately what may not;
                      defining it as fate.

still i hear this melody so filled with a beauty
that only i may be able to discover.
that only i must create.

Thoughts degrading, and dripping away;
A rotting albatross concealing my shoulders,
hiding my neck,
hiding my truths.

There is a whole world that we know not of.
It does not exist in a place one would address as below--
Or above.
But rather across the street, in a home of a neighbor,
As well as the stranger in another city.

Embark on a journey where the destination is of no concern.
I shall leave my pillows behind,
And sail across the storms of time.
Eyes shall burn past a mask--
And yet only see what they choose.

Noises creeping through the night,
dreams that haunt me during hours of light--
Will you recognize my eyes?
They are changing,
I know this because
My river shall never cease to run.
Thoughts that evolve day by day;
A different approach to that which we cannot change.

I am the one with wings.
I did not grow them,
They were simply a gift,
But not for flying purposes.

It is not always simply the toss of a coin,
Or the words we choose to say,
But the pauses in between.
Not always black.
Not always white,
But sometimes gray.

sick and diseased, my actions take hold of me
and lead me to a place of contemplation.
not necessarily the embodiment of regret
but that which resembles disappointment.

ill decisions that need to be nurtured,
thoughts that long to be whole.
a dose of rationality medicating what it is that makes me.

Forgiving a necessary ritual,
in regaining serenity.

In death we acknowledge our names
For the very first time,
Willing to engrave into stone
That which we once knew.

Escape the voice
That lives inside,
Closer than that which is seen.
A junction of trespassing.

Was I asleep?
You are who I have become,
And I am living a life of invisibility.
One step behind.

Exactly where we are,
Asking who do you think I am.
A full upright position,
Imposing on the question of love.

Tricks in the bag,
Tricks you cannot find;
Love me/hate me/snub me/shake me
Into a new persona of a simple mind.

Sit down and stumble on your questions.
Your own answers already known.
Convincing lies told as truth;
We are the all seeing all dancing
Low-life's  of the world.

I am who you want to be,
Free in all aspects, and views
Of courage.
Of running.
Wrestling our past,
Watching memories

                                                       ­                                     Disappear.

sometimes my private life has got to stay private
i don't need your negative input,
so i'll just keep quiet.

words used, and abused,
do you even mean them?

count your blessings.
but not what could be, or should be
'cause what we have is what we need,
and what we want isn't always necessary.

Which is the path you have chosen,  
Which is the path that have paved?
Have your actions been wise and potent,
Or is the issue that your not one willing to be saved?
All questions, often with no definite answer.
Even written stone can become withered and break.
Promises can be as deadly as cancer.
My words are all that i can give,
but not all that you can take.

A narrow pathway filled with gypsies.
The demon dances on the tops of their heads,
While the devil waits around the corner,
his fiddle in hand.

Young, and beautiful with skin so fair;
A golden scarf taming the tempestuous curls.
Walking with the caravan, the road has become her home.
Enervated, but also inspired by the thinning soles.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He will steal her away, to where the thorns and thickets grow.

The bottle cool, like the night.
Clouds hiding the stars, concealing the gods 
So she brings the poison to her lips,
And removes the veil that separates the truth from lies.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He will steal her away, but for now he waits and waits
While he hides.

Crawl on your hands and knees,
You will soon adapt and learn how to survive
Without having to stand straight and upright.
With each step she ages, and memories fade.
Her spine begins to bend just like the branches
Found deep in the forest, where she has decided to stay.
Alone in the night, alone in the day.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
And He has already stolen her away.

Her feet are now naked, and filled with the thorns.
A pain so natural, that it becomes comfortable.
He takes her in his arms, and her heart melts into the distance.
The curls have transformed in only a moment,
Wrinkles as deep as the river, and hair as white as the full moon.
She’s clenched in his claws, and caught in his grasp.
Everyday she does his task, with hardly any flaws.

Her song is now whispered, and is faint like the breeze.
But the devil has practiced his fiddle, and is searching
For a new beauty to charm, and deceive.
She sings a tune that only the moon knows,
He has stolen her away, Old Nick is the future she chose.

You asked what happened
I replied only the truth.
                                             The truth.

What’s wrong you whispered
             I said it’s of no concern.

I looked into your eyes
And they were trying to tell me
         That you want to help me
But I think that
                           I’ve already died

You repeat, repeat
Over and
                 over again
“Please stay with me.”
                       & I don’t understand,
Cause I know that you can’t
even save me/

So when I walk alone
I hope that you can take the time to understand
That I'd much rather prefer to be on my own.

            & Tonight the sun never set,
It just stayed in the sky.
                                            Stayed in the sky.

But there was darkness all around me;
               & inside of me fear
And even with you here
                           beside me
I am alone.
I am alone on this weary road.


The sun beat down on the wild flowers,
the pigment so orange,
my eyes could almost taste it....
& yet
              You just keep talkin and talkin
your words don’t mean nothin’
          So I keep walkin and walkin
Don’t know where I’m goin
But I know that I’ll get there,
                                                 I’ll get there.

Cause there ain’t nothin in this life
                 that is fair

So we push ourselves further and further
To the middle of no where--
                                   Proclaiming it is where we want to be;
That nothing will ever compare,
        But no matter where we breathe,
We are still breathing
                                      air.

With frail bones you have traveled,
Walking with a limp that only speaks of age.

I did not ask for you to do this,
I did not ask for this sadness.

The words are all drowning inside.
I cannot find enough meaning.
My eyes can only leak
And the cigarette is burning,
I haven’t got much time.

It all sounds the same.

You have only showed kindness,
To my bitter characteristics.
If only I could understand
why I am so angry, why I am so sad.

I apologize, with every bit of strength I can.
I fear I may never be able to love you
As much as you have loved me.
I am so sorry, mother.
                       I am so sorry.

sometimes we have got to look down, to know where we are going to land.
after having fallen so hard, one might think to never look up;
but alas--
the sun still shines behind the clouds.
we are hardly ever truly alone, and without.
for we may very well continue to cast shadows, even on the darkest of days--
but for every light we can perceive there is a darkness to it's complement.
on the matter of joy and love, one day heart ache will follow;
casting it's own shadow, however long and wide we make it.
for free will is what it is that makes us.
freedom to choose that which is, and that which is not.
science has proven we cannot survive in the dark impurities of that shadow.
our own heart and mind need the illumination that happiness so absentmindedly brings.
yet the distractions we fabricate, seem in our own mind to grow each day.
all because we nurture our own despondency with doubt, and deceit.
so when we feel with utmost frailty, that we cannot look up--
remember that this sensation of ******* shall one day cease to be.