I went through the motions
thinking the actions would take back
all the sorrow I have been born into.

Now I find I am setting myself up for failure
before I even attempt to try,
acknowledging this…

A heart ruptured in mind. Bones
still stand, but a pain from the core
remains when

The truth is before me
and eyes hold me back
when seeking out perspective.

A fear that cannot
be grasped when facing
the imprisonment of what
we choose to believe,

And he dreams of my salvation--
Coming up to the altar and breaking
open my ribs to give my heart to the Lord.



I thought it sounded great
when I was younger.

There was a convict in the condos.
He took two lives, one with a bat.

I first heard the story when it slipped out my neighbors drunk lips.
"He killed someone! He killed them with a bat!"
Though each word was said with such sharpness,
they seemed to drag on in her slur.
Her body staggered, as if the bones didn't want to fit,
or they didn't know how.
She kept pointing her finger.
I just wanted to smoke a cigarette, but instead I was a witness.

He was walking away at first.
Until she screamed those words.
He found her shoulders, and shoved them into the wall.
Loud whispers, until she pushed him.
But he is bigger, and he won't fall.

That's when I started screaming.
In his rage he surely must have forgotten my existence.

He walked away that night.

It wasn't until months later when the heavily protected policeman barged through their door,
and had all the children wait outside as lights were shone on the windows and doors and faces of everyone in the close proximity,
that's when I realized that there was a convict in the condos.
That he had taken two lives.
One with a bat.

Learning the way life binds us by our choices,
and even deeper by our thoughts.

There is a pain within each of us,
one we can never understand.
As if it is built into us,
beyond the flesh we have always known.

Decisions must be made, ones that may never take us
to where our desires have made homes in hope.

Accepting the selfless actions,
I do not know for whom I live this life,
For all that I have done is because it has been expected.

I stand in the midst of this unseen battle,
fighting only myself,
asking who is it that is in control.

sick and diseased, my actions take hold of me
and lead me to a place of contemplation.
not necessarily the embodiment of regret
but that which resembles disappointment.

ill decisions that need to be nurtured,
thoughts that long to be whole.
a dose of rationality medicating what it is that makes me.

Forgiving a necessary ritual,
in regaining serenity.

Sometimes,

On the mornings when I wake up drunk,

I notice things like the cobwebs between the railing of the stairs.

The aesthetic touch of blue that hangs above me.

Just how great it feels to lay down. Anywhere. 

And that I don’t remember the end of the night. 


Sometimes,

During the nights when I am on ecstasy,

I acknowledge our destructive behaviors,

but also the potential of each and every one of us. 

Thoughts trying to proceed in reaching the truth,

But are far too tangled to weave any real answers. 


Sometimes,

I realize that I am holding onto the anger, 

As if it will protect me...

As if my nights that turn into mornings will suffice,

Instead of leaving me insatiable.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.
My teeth get *****, just like my thoughts and heart.
I have yet to find the purpose,
and acknowledge what it's worth.

The straps on my watch have broken,
But hands are always moving.

I remember the look of your eyes
as you slipped past conscienceness into a world unspoken.
Muscles stiff, and bones locked.
Lips losing life. All was blue.
I held up your head, eyes rolling back--
I had to leave the room.
I cried by the window.
Those eyes, your eyes,
were not yours for that moment.

It is not a place of distance, but a place apart.

I have brushed my teeth,
and reconsidered it all.
Our hearts continue to beat,
and you have risen from your fall.

I may not have found the purpose,
but I've still got the time.

Let the pieces fall where they fall,
because my thoughts
are crashing fast
& I don’t know
if there is time
before they cease to
exist.

As I search for sanctification
I lose myself in validity.
Thoughts pulled and thrown across
my mind that has no boundaries,
except for the ones I have
created.

I can see all that I want to,
but it is hard to interpret
the truth, and what lies
it holds and transforms into
beliefs.

The pieces have fallen,
& in all my searching,
I have discovered the only answer is
accepting.