here is something i would love to tell ten-year-old me:

stop. take a minute. look at your parents. look at how much they love you. sure you are young, but god, Kira, you've always understood deeply. and i know you can understand this.

love them hard. love them outright and outspokenly and through good conversation. love them by being utterly you- but a little less complaining. love them by hiking up that mountain with a smile on your face because they'll be so proud. and their pride is all you want.

but most importantly, you'll have so much less time with him.

at eleven:
go out to the garden he's building, help. or just sit on the deck and talk about your day. talk about how you remember writing the song about Addie. talk about your favorite color and how it brought you and April closer together. talk about how much you love annoying mommy. talk about how one day the boys will be in college and it'll just be you three at home and how you can knock the wall down between your closets and have two rooms. just talk, Kira, talk, and talk and talk.

at twelve:
when he reads your poems, explain. tell him how you agree the pain was partly diffusion. that surely you're so empathetic you took on the sadness. but also it's real. what you feel is valid and explain. tell him sometimes it hurts so much you really don't want to live. but you agree. that it didn't really affect you until she said something. that it really didn't need to affect you at all. cry into his chest and let him hug you. let him solve all the problems you can think of with his presence.

at thirteen:
when he explains his religious views, understand him. ask more questions than you thought you needed. let the conversation go into his childhood and learn about that. experience peace rallies and disappointed parents and how that turned him into an atheist. let those ideas influence you. let his, maybe not award winning but still pretty intelligent, words influence your own thoughts.

and at fourteen:
when he takes your picture, smile. he wants to document your middle school graduation. he wants to see you with the people you've grown up with and stood out from. he wants your walk down the elementary halls to be meaningful because he knows it is. when he calls you beautiful, it's because you are. it's because your his daughter and his muse and his reason for protecting and pushing.

at fifteen:
when he's playing the music, listen. get off your phone. ask him questions. ask him what his first concert was. ask him when and who he went with and what he did. ask him who he first fell in love with. just because you'd like to know what life was like before mommy. just because you'd like to know everything about his life. ask him why he loves the folky songs he does. what it means to him. what a song with a story means to him. when he's playing the music appreciate that his hands work, and his breath isn't fake, and his body can move. ask for a beer so you can have one together.

and then:
when he's in the hospital, tell him you love him. don't cry. don't whimper and pity. don't think about whether or not he's in pain. just speak. just say it all like you should've throughout your life. tell him how grateful you are, how excited for summer you are, how much you love him and love him and love him and love him and how much you hope he knows. when he's looking at the boys in their prom tuxes, say that'll be you in a few years. make everyone groan. do your 'little sister' bit. he smiles at that. make a funny face, kiss his cheek, remind him you love him so so sos ososososos much, say it more even after it becomes cheesy. say it so much it doesn't sound like a real word anymore. say it so much you have to get dragged out of his room. say it for every day of your life, every birthday, every minute, every important event he was there for and everything he has to miss.

just be there. be present. be real, Kira.

when I was youngest, I wrote songs
made up melodies never heard before
and rhymed my schoolgirl crushes name.
For you- I wrote songs of our dog, and sung in the car,

when I was older, I stopped the music
but scribbled in diaries and typed poetry
on the computer you let me borrow.
You held me in your arms as I silently cried about the darkness and,

and now, I listen for the music
despite welling up every time it comes on
and I slowly carve poetry into notebooks with black ink.
I hope you're hearing my whispered words.

you weren't doing well already. your skin was falling from your face in yellow-skinned sunken smiles and faint snores that used to roar as you napped. my tears were hidden behind my computer screen when i saw you lay down to rest. always scared it would turn worse.

and a year ago today, it did.

i was in biology and the boys in ihs when i got the text. i never expected it would be me. i never thought i would have the 'expected call' sort of life. it was the speed walk from biology that i remember. the people passing me who i had to ignore. the sob i tried to soften. the lump that made it impossible to smile or speak or recognize anything except for my siblings and the sun outside. of course it was sunny outside. of course nothing in this world led me to believe today could be a bad day.

and a year after that, it was the same.

i couldn't stop the tears from coming. back then i was emotional in different ways. the heart i never imagined to be broken i wore on my sleeve. the smile that dressed my face was sincere everytime i met eyes with a stranger. i was excited about things i didn't know, and my sadness was consistenly superficial. so the tears came quickly, easily, as if i was surprised by the news as i hid them behind our bronze suburban.

and a year ago today, i had been.

it was the uncertainty of the situation that had me breaking. it was the fact i had no knowledge of what was going to happen. it was the idea that the only moments we had had together had been paper thin hands holding mine and music that spoke to our souls at the twilight hour. i did not want to be there, as much as i felt i should. but the night time drive and frozen cookie dough calmed my tremoring hands.

and a year after that, they do the same.

a year ago today i lost some hope. i felt a dynamic shift in the way of our house. where eight o'clock pm the door would open with a flurry of excitement and dog nails scraping over our hardwood floors there was silence. a cold and sad emptiness to the home that had created the childish laughter stored in me.

and a year ago today, it is the same.

I used to want to leave
My life
behind
So far behind
I never lived again.

But now I see.

What death does to me.

I never want to leave
My life
behind
Anywhere near behind
Never living again.

Because how could
this breaking family
undergo another crack
in the frame.

I am not alone.
I have people I can turn to,
If I need.

Won't you remind me?

It's nineteen days
since you last breathed
and eighteen days
since I was told
someone is here for me.

I feel trapped
in our friendship

I want you to be loud
and
confidant
so i can too

But our social goings don't agree

I'm too busy
                 and
                         you're not busy enough

I stay in and read and finish homework and wish I could go out

But instead

Help out at fundraisers for the things I do
I do sports
and wish I did more

You have the time but
whisper
to a boy who hurt you and someone else
and
     I'm
         Stressed
                   about
                             US
because I don't want you to get hurt

but I don't have time

and I have problems of my own
on top of
yours
     and math's

I can't juggle everything

I want to try
I did try

But i think we grabbed at dreams
  that weren't ready to be seen

and I think I just need to stop looking for people to fix

I want FUN

Careless, loud, RAIN OR SHINE
FUN

And yours is different

Not bad.
Beautiful.

But not what I need

right now
And hopefully, this isn't selfish because
I
Love
You
and this wonderful short-lived time together

but
I can't live quietly

only talking about
him

I'm bored

Our conversation is quiet
and
repetitive
and i tired
and i just need for this urge to go away

I'm sorry
But it's for me

an ocean in her eyes

painted with oil paints

tracing out the iris shaped circle

that scene in her orbs

mesmerizes my soul and being

Blue. Blue. Blue.

she's everywhere in everything tainting everyone

they're embedded with diamonds

everytime I catch a glimpse

clouds of distress

peer over her happy sun

the one she tries to live in.

up there that's where

her thoughts get lost.

birds fly low over water

sometimes diving in

daring to be part of that world

the deepest most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen

my mother told me
love is simply: terrified
they could go away

i want to capture
certain vocabulary
in the shape of you

Writing grocery lists
Peaches, cream, and loving you
Sunday morning themes

i like to haiku
but szymborska poetry
captures my heart now

There's a certain Smell of Grain,
Summer evenings too
That consumes, like the water
of Rising Lagoons

Sweetened Grieving it gives us
No visible mark
But bittersweet shiftings,
Where Nostalgias are

All may feel it- Maybe-
Tis the Emblem Love-
Lovely Melancholy Moments
Scent upon the Sun

When it comes the Tree Leaves Quiet
Sweet Dinners at view
When it goes 'tis blinding quickly
Quiet feelings through

i want to do everything
to value every option and become
a bit of every piece in this world

i want to be everyone
to open myself to bringing positivity
a bit of joy to every life i brush by

i want to go everywhere
drive through each mountain range
a bit of adventure to every day i get to live

how glorious it would be
to try it all
can't we make a list and just
begin

once upon a time

a princess stood on her balcony

overlooking the land she would one day

rule

a stray tear fell as she thought about

her father

and her animal sidekick attempted to

comfort her

I wanted friendship
I left you though I'm trying
but now, you won't speak

most of her works are
serenades to miracles
that occur daily

I hear songs,
Read poems,
Write letters,

and they make me
think of you

Loving you is seeing you
in every emotion
Heart break is missing you
in every moment

At five I lived for road trips:
How my mother would slowly pad downstairs
To creak open my door at four in the morning
With a gentle call that woke us up and beckoned
Us to the fresh dawn air and stars blinking out of sight
And saying goodbye while we said welcome to
Our next great adventure

I lived for my dad finishing packing up the last
Bags into the car his humorous grunt as
The trunk was slammed shut and we
Filed in, to our regular seats in the old truck

I lived for great icy winters and grandparent’s
Poodles in Montana while thoughts of the
gentle plains, roaming buffalo, and bear
Sightings in Yellowstone streamed in my and my brother’s minds
Like the great tumbling waterfalls we hiked through

I lived for dirt under our fingernails and
The smell of campfire sticking to our clothes in
Winter, Summer, Spring and then washing off
As the grand blue sky opens up and Oregon’s rains came with Fall

I lived in a child’s world, waited
for my father to come home every evening as
I knew he would, walking through the
Door with a jubilant step to his gait while
We just set down the last dinner plate
And the scent of grain, dust, machines, and
Science washed over me

I wanted to sit quietly and count the zooming
Cars pass by us while in the back of our old truck
listening to Stevens, Springsteen, and Simon serenade us
Through the crackly radio, the sounds of my child years

I wanted to sit quietly in the hospital room with
The doctors that screamed in their silences
And hold the paper thin hands that taught
Me how to ride my bike, rock climb, and multiply

A different sort of road and a different sort of ride.

"In Color"

I used to believe in only two things
The world was full of colors to crash down your dreams
And life should be done and thought out simply

Earlier this year I reminisced of my childhood
The twirling lights and shimmering shades
The way everything was beautiful in the most disorganized way

And I thought to myself, “Those were good times”
And I said to myself, “Things have to be black and white”
And I sang to myself, “It’s the only way to keep out the fright”

But, oh, how horribly wrong I was
The world is full of colors for our dreams to take shape
And life should be danced in, you should create your own fate

I’m taking control of my fear
Here I am, with my rainbow of dreams
Hues of black and blue to fill in my bruises

And my future personifies
The colors of the sunset, sunrise, and mid-afternoon sky
They scream to take control and finally arise

They will give me hope for the future
And hope for my life

There were words from a mind of black and white
That have decided to take flight
Because with a clash of bright thunder
My words are finally in color

Bye: KE

i want to create
beautiful rhythms of joy;
like i read in class

I prefer sunrise
I prefer running to walking
where running is allowed
I prefer walking to driving
where walking is reasonable
I prefer daydreams
I prefer dogs
I prefer black coffee
I prefer bagels
I prefer not having breakfast at all
I prefer believing humans
are fascinating creatures
I prefer belief in the unknown
I prefer not knowing
I prefer learning
I prefer reading
I prefer books with tea
I prefer food as a passage to
knowing someone's heart
I prefer knowing people deeply
I prefer to think of people complexly
I prefer paintings
I prefer watercolors
I prefer presents made by hand
I prefer the idea that curiosity
helped the cat
I prefer keychains
I prefer watching idiosyncratic
things that make you unique
I prefer that the universe
is vast
I prefer believing in minute
beauty
I prefer finding joy in the day-to-day
care we take of one another
I prefer the unthinkable can be thought

this is my life
it's chaotic in the most beautiful ways
it's graying at some roots
but it's bursting with
color
and new friendships
in places I never knew would exist
in me
There are a million places I haven't seen
but every day
that I go somewhere and experience
something I get a little
closer to where I feel I'm supposed to be
everywhere

mother nature spent years
just crafting your mind
she left such an imprint on you
you think of her
you care for her
in the way she cared for you
mother nature spent years
only creating your hands
your veins twine like her roots
your skin, like bark, withstanding the blows
mother nature spent years
simply designing your heart
she planted it, watered it,
and built a trellis of bone to support it
it blossomed
mother nature spent years
and she made your mind, your hands and your heart
now imagine how long
she spent on your soul

your name has tainted my life
everywhere I look
where you live
the cottage
the grove of trees
your name will never escape me
my first of so many things
the stone for which you represent
the strength with which you glow
oh jasper,
I'll remember you
and I'll forgot you
but your name will never leave

I lost you.
And I'm losing it.

I lost you.

And now I'm lost.

you may be my number two
but I still can't believe you wanted me to be one
of your lucky girls. It was barely three
days before
you said you'd wanted me for five
months. Now in four
days I have to leave you three
thousand miles away. Is it too
soon for you to be my one?

Once upon another night
My tears were stained
To pillows and sheets

I found myself
With mascara tears
Broken hearts
     Pieces
And fears

I saw myself
Inside my mirror
Scared of the fact
     I couldn't see
The girl I wanted
So much to be

You were proud of me
Even though you'll never get to see
How much I can do
The songs I can write
You were proud of me
Because you got to see
The things I could be
Scientist, graduate, freshman

And oh,

You were proud of us
Even though you'll never get to see
How much we can be
The things we'll achieve
You were proud of us
Because you got to see
The things we can do
Artists, graduates, seniors

And oh,

You were proud of her
Even though you'll never get to see
How much she can do
The mountains she can succeed
You were proud of her
Becuase you got to see
The things she can be
Environmentalist, lover, mother.

i wish i said more

to you

i wish i had spent less time staring at

old text messages

and spoken in our quiet car rides

up to the games

you always supported me at

i wish i asked for more to do-

for bookshelf making

and garden planting

now with so much regret between you and i

i demand to

never
regret
again

i will do everything i dream

i will write the stories i have yet to

experience

i will speak of

the truth

and you will be

proud of my

adventures and abilities

what does it mean
when everything reminds me of you?
or I at least want to share it all with you?
what does it mean,
when my body aches to be near you?
when we're together I just want to feel you?
what does it mean
that my heart hurts when I think of you?
that I am constantly thinking of you?

Suddenly I'm the girl with the
dead dad,
Suddenly I'm the girl with
the heartbroken mother
Suddenly I'm the girl
with the family
that's breaking apart

You've left such a scar

Suddenly all my future seems so foreign
Suddenly every birthday
and Christmas
and college
Seem so wrong without you.

It's all so wrong without you.

Sometimes I wish I'd tell them
What it's like to live without you by my side
But I don't want them to ever go through
What I have to go through,

They shouldn't understand.

I wish you could see this all again
Just to experience the sun and the sky
I wish you could've had your last days
Out on the mountains and in the grassy fields
I wish you could've seen
Just how much you meant to me

You had to have known.

I hope you know.

i want to bake a strawberry pie. i want to blend sugar in the sunlight. i want to craft stories out of my imagination. i want to waltz under stars and tango through the heat of the beach. i want to read. i want to learn. i want to grow. i want to wake up early in the morning and watch the sunrise from my roof. i want to go to bed with clean sheets and watching Netflix with you. i want to bake a strawberry pie. i want to stroll down a boardwalk. i want to smile at the sun. i want to run. i want to swim in the ocean. i want to tan on sand and cleanse myself in outdoor showers and eat icepops before dinner. i want to go back to the city. i want to bake a strawberry pie.

She was beautiful-
A sunshine girl-
With dark hair and pale skin
and freckles decorating her arms and face
Her brown eyes gave the illusion
She shouldn't be as shiny as she was

But how shiny can a girl truly be

Deceiving everyone who kept her locked up for themselves
She was sad and she was lonely
behind her pretty face and tall long limbs
Her ribs were crushing her heart
And her home was being torn apart
By alcohol and mistrust
lies and "vacations" to Woodbridge that ended in rehabilitation

And if she told anybody
They would fall to her knees and kiss her hands and feet
They would devote themselves to her well-being

because she
is a sunshine girl

Her best friend is a boy who's in love with her
(And she's in love with him, of course)
Her best friend is a girl who never feels like a best friend

And I,
I stand from the outside looking in
I watch and I wait and I wish for a moment where I could be
I could be a sunshine girl and feel oh, so free
I could live a life where people wished to be like me
I could smile and dance with my face turned to the dusty, summer sun in my favorite dress with my best friend by my side laughing at nothing in particular

Even though I know the truth
behind every beautiful life is a fruit
With skin peeled away to show the sweet inside
And a pit of deep loneliness that never really abides

She's still a sunshine girl
And her mother is tearing her apart,
But she's brilliant, she's beautiful, she's athletic, and she's loved

And I,
I only wish to turn my face towards the light
And realize there's something right
(Or sunny, of course)
About being me

a night in
for the two of us
was tv on low and stereo playing all your favorite songs
stolen moments at twilight

i asked for a star
any star
so you reached up and let the hair on your arms turn to ash
just to grab me the sun

When it's late at night
I feel the urge

I remember it



and that scares me

I also remember the pain, desperation,
suffocation
and I lay still

Fighting it off

The need to run

It's a pummeling of my bones against my skin
To get out of here

to live

to be breathlessly aware of the night sky
The inky clouds and yellow stars above
your heavy breaths
and churning legs

The urge
consumes you

It takes you back

It starts you over

The urge is a messy symbol

Of butterflies
s       t        r              e           s           s
and the silence you didn't notice

the silence
in
your
soul

all it took

was ugly cries

late at night

and a downpour

and ironically

Wearing a blue raincoat... tied around my waist

in that downpour

there's a feeling i succumb to
it's murky dark straight pain

sometimes its fleeting feeling
stays in from the rain

i comfort it and welcome
provide cookies and hot tea

it makes itself a home here
deep inside of me
the murky dark straight pain
the one i come to be

did you know my heart for certain?
when you said you fell in love
or only did you see the parts of me
that i let visible through
late night car drives
lunch conversations
blue text message
and white crumpled bed sheets

I miss you.
I should be missing him,
but my mind continues to drift to the fact that
I miss you.

I miss the way you would let me babble
I would talk endlessly about nothing
Ask questions that I'd answer myself.

I miss looking up at you,
Wanting you to make a move
The dog running rampage
While rain stuck to my eyelashes
In the streetlight lit tennis courts.

I miss you.
What you would say to me
The connection I immediately felt
With the words, you whispered
With the things, we went through.

I miss walking with you
The pull at the leash and your lanky legs
The flowers you'd put in my hair
Between my braids.

I miss our constant talking
Whether it be photos of our faces
Or conversation
your constant presence was a comfort
Because
He
Couldn't
Be.