You were proud of me
Even though you'll never get to see
How much I can do
The songs I can write
You were proud of me
Because you got to see
The things I could be
Scientist, graduate, freshman

And oh,

You were proud of us
Even though you'll never get to see
How much we can be
The things we'll achieve
You were proud of us
Because you got to see
The things we can do
Artists, graduates, seniors

And oh,

You were proud of her
Even though you'll never get to see
How much she can do
The mountains she can succeed
You were proud of her
Becuase you got to see
The things she can be
Environmentalist, lover, mother.

Once upon another night
My tears were stained
To pillows and sheets

I found myself
With mascara tears
Broken hearts
     Pieces
And fears

I saw myself
Inside my mirror
Scared of the fact
     I couldn't see
The girl I wanted
So much to be

I lost you.
And I'm losing it.

I lost you.

And now I'm lost.

She was beautiful-
A sunshine girl-
With dark hair and pale skin
and freckles decorating her arms and face
Her brown eyes gave the illusion
She shouldn't be as shiny as she was

But how shiny can a girl truly be

Deceiving everyone who kept her locked up for themselves
She was sad and she was lonely
behind her pretty face and tall long limbs
Her ribs were crushing her heart
And her home was being torn apart
By alcohol and mistrust
lies and "vacations" to Woodbridge that ended in rehabilitation

And if she told anybody
They would fall to her knees and kiss her hands and feet
They would devote themselves to her well-being

because she
is a sunshine girl

Her best friend is a boy who's in love with her
(And she's in love with him, of course)
Her best friend is a girl who never feels like a best friend

And I,
I stand from the outside looking in
I watch and I wait and I wish for a moment where I could be
I could be a sunshine girl and feel oh, so free
I could live a life where people wished to be like me
I could smile and dance with my face turned to the dusty, summer sun in my favorite dress with my best friend by my side laughing at nothing in particular

Even though I know the truth
behind every beautiful life is a fruit
With skin peeled away to show the sweet inside
And a pit of deep loneliness that never really abides

She's still a sunshine girl
And her mother is tearing her apart,
But she's brilliant, she's beautiful, she's athletic, and she's loved

And I,
I only wish to turn my face towards the light
And realize there's something right
(Or sunny, of course)
About being me

all it took

was ugly cries

late at night

and a downpour

and ironically

Wearing a blue raincoat... tied around my waist

in that downpour

I feel trapped
in our friendship

I want you to be loud
and
confidant
so i can too

But our social goings don't agree

I'm too busy
                 and
                         you're not busy enough

I stay in and read and finish homework and wish I could go out

But instead

Help out at fundraisers for the things I do
I do sports
and wish I did more

You have the time but
whisper
to a boy who hurt you and someone else
and
     I'm
         Stressed
                   about
                             US
because I don't want you to get hurt

but I don't have time

and I have problems of my own
on top of
yours
     and math's

I can't juggle everything

I want to try
I did try

But i think we grabbed at dreams
  that weren't ready to be seen

and I think I just need to stop looking for people to fix

I want FUN

Careless, loud, RAIN OR SHINE
FUN

And yours is different

Not bad.
Beautiful.

But not what I need

right now
And hopefully, this isn't selfish because
I
Love
You
and this wonderful short-lived time together

but
I can't live quietly

only talking about
him

I'm bored

Our conversation is quiet
and
repetitive
and i tired
and i just need for this urge to go away

I'm sorry
But it's for me

When it's late at night
I feel the urge

I remember it



and that scares me

I also remember the pain, desperation,
suffocation
and I lay still

Fighting it off

The need to run

It's a pummeling of my bones against my skin
To get out of here

to live

to be breathlessly aware of the night sky
The inky clouds and yellow stars above
your heavy breaths
and churning legs

The urge
consumes you

It takes you back

It starts you over

The urge is a messy symbol

Of butterflies
s       t        r              e           s           s
and the silence you didn't notice

the silence
in
your
soul