Dear little Paper Clip
holding together
my work
and subsequently
my life
You keep my chaos
nice and tidy

I could just tear
out all my hair
Rip up all my papers
Quit my job
and be a broke
artist

All the pressure
my endless list of
things to do
The never ending
questions that I
never know
the answers to

But then there you are
little yellow Paper Clip
calm in your role
you understand
your place and I
almost envy you

You keep it all
together
and you look good
doing it

Today I will try
to be
more like you.

He was my first
love

He gave me butterflies

When we were together I needed to always
touch him
hold his hand
lay on his chest

He gave me anxiety

When we were apart I needed to always
hear him
know where he was
and who he was with

So many nights spent
laughing
loving
together

so many more spent
crying
alone

I gave him my heart
I gave him my body
I would have given him everything
I did give him everything

He cheated
He lied
and still he loved me
and stupidly,
I still loved him

I walked away
he broke me
finally
I walked away
carrying the pieces of my heart
In my young hands

He got engaged
(to the girl he cheated on me with)

I moved
out of this country and across the world

I patched up my broken heart
It took a long time
and a few one-night stands
there were pieces still missing
and scars where the cracks were glued
but I understood this heart much better
than before when it was whole

Now I'm with my new love

When we are together
We cuddle
We read
We watch movies

When we are apart
We send each other updates
and tell each other
I miss you
I love you

I don't always get butterflies
but I never have anxiety

Almost every night we
laugh
and
love

and when I rarely cry
I'm not alone
and he holds me
and says he's sorry
or I say I'm sorry

He fills the holes that were left behind
and my scars are nearly faded

But sometimes I think back to my first love
my young love
my innocent love

And although my first love
at times felt like
magic
buzzing bees
and hot electricity
running through my veins

my new love feels like
warm cookies
a sweater on a crisp day
sunshine in the cool wind
and home
And I know that this is better.

To be overwhelmed:
To bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
Huge mass of work
Huge mass of bills
Huge mass of love
Huge mass of support

I am overwhelmed
all the time
by all things

When I feel more overwhelmed
by all the negative
I think of all the good
That I carry
That I am buried under

I hold my friends
and they hold me
I lift my family
and they lift me
When I drown in my work
They let me float in their support
When I am crushed
They each carry part of that weight
and lift it

Drop me in a glass of water
I neither float
or sink
I am suspended

I am buried by my life
I am carrying my life
I am technically burdened
I would rather carry weight
and have something
than nothing at all

I am buried
I am weighed down,
but I am breathing
I am standing
and I am okay.

I am swimming
I am floating
I am drowning

I am flying
I am soaring
I am falling

I forgot
You were always there
but I forgot

You were my mentor
and you helped me find
my voice

You celebrated
My weirdness
You celebrated
All weirdness

You were queen
Of all the misfit
high schoolers

You were our teacher
my mentor
my safety
my friend

And I forgot you
Until you were gone
But then I remembered
and wanted to thank you
but you were gone...

I'm so sorry...
and thank you
for everything

Hemingway said
There's nothing to writing
You just sit at a typewriter
and Bleed

I'm sitting
I'm typing
I'm bleeding
                 bleeding
                           bleeding

My blood is full
of numbness
of everything
of nothing
wordless feelings

My heart is pumping
pumping the words
they swim in my veins
and travel all the canals
in my body

They glide from my heart
to my fingers
to my hips
to my toes
to my brain
then rest again in my heart
until they make that journey again

And yet - What can I say?
When the feelings are there
When my heart is full
When my lungs are empty
and no words come out

I just keep sitting
         keep typing
and  keep bleeding.