You want a place in "My Heart"
But the room’s not vacant yet
You see, I would love to occupy you
But I’ve got unfinished business
My last tenant was a trip and left the place a mess
I’ve cleaned up some, but I don’t know how long it’ll take to clean the rest
And yes, I’ve noticed that your room is already cleaned from your last guest
But my room still has bags left
I guess it’s safe to say my last tenant left more of a mark
You still wanna see the room?
Okay, where do I start
Half of this **** don’t even work no more
And I would hate to put you here when it’s cold
Cause the heater broke
So I’m sorry if I’m not being warm enough for you
But my last tenant made me something like a different dude
So I’m more cautious about who I rent my space to
So I’m sorry I can’t love you like you want me to
But my room just got too much junk in it
And I just don’t think its enough space for you
So sorry but my apartment's closed
Even though I hate to say it
After I sort things out I’ll look you up
Hopefully you’ll still be Vacant

Am I walking on eggshells
Or am I walking on coals?
Are these shards of glass
Wedged into the belly of my foot
Or are these pebbles
That snuck into my shoes
On that one day we
Went to the lake?
The soles of my soul
Have worn away
Leaving black skid marks
On my heels
And blisters on my toes
All because you walk in a run
And I run in a walk
And i just can’t keep up

I’ve always been afraid
From the moment
They cut me out of
My poor mother’s stomach
Fear has gripped me
With sharp talons
I came into this world crying
And those tears
Have followed me through life

I have panic disorder
Or at least that’s what the internet says
I fear the day I will be forced
To write poetry
On the back of
Prescriptions
The day I start popping pills
Like candy
Just relieve the stress

I don’t want to smile
With a capsule
Between my teeth
Or let my bloodstream run toxic
But at the same time
I don’t want
My heart to drum
Like my nerves are going to war
And I don’t want to leave the house
Crying

I can practically feel the pill
At the back of my throat
I can feel myself choking
The bitterness turning sweet
As the bile
Rushes to meet my taste buds

Sometimes it feels like
I’m training for battle
Like I’m preparing myself
For bullets of Xanax
And Prozac
I don’t even know what a milligram is

I hear it can result
In memory loss
And bleeding gums
And whether or not these are
Urban legends
I don’t know

I’ve watched
Both my brother and sister
Ingest medication
To chase away the depression
I’ve watched my friends
Swallow sleeping pills
To quiet their thoughts

I wonder how can they do it?
How can they just
Open themselves up to sedation?
Allow themselves to
Let go of the familiar
Sadness and fear

Maybe it’s not that
I’m afraid of the pill
But that I’m more afraid
Of the absence of fear
The dark abyss of numbness
I’ve seen medication
Ruin lives

I don’t want to be another statistic
Another number on paper
I don’t want doctors
Going in and out of my head
As if they were old friends

I just want this
To stop

I do this thing
Where I shut everyone out
And then wonder why I’m alone
I do this thing
Where I take my heart strings
And use them to
Sew my mouth shut
I do this thing
Where I write poems on my wrists
Because I can’t bear to cut
I do this thing
Where I force headaches
To crush my skull
Into oblivion
I do this thing
Where I don’t do
Anything

you hadn't spoken to me in four days
so i mixed enough screwdrivers and desperation
to mistake his strawberry blond hair for your black
and i can't remember saying yes or no
but i woke up covered in blood and bruises.
i patiently waited 23 years for love
and let solely your lips on mine
preserved for three in anticipation
only to give up in a grimy bathroom
to a boy with no last name
and a girl awaiting him upstairs.
life is not always a storybook.
later that night a girl sobbed on my bare chest
and told me never to trust anyone
that people will invariably let me down
that she wished someone had warned her
when she was like me
she said my wide-eyed naivete
was a bulls-eye
and i must not charge into battle
without armor and sword.
maybe this was a lesson i was supposed to learn
when you slurred it angrily last year
but my words are my white flag
and i've never been much of a fighter
so i'll start my breakneck pace towards heartache
with the exhilaration of foresight
and blinders for those with shields
until you cut me down.