Constantly feel trapped in my own private hell.

I remain in my own empty box.

Wish I could just walk, read and speak better.

Break the dark spell on my life feel happy and more free again.

One side of my body always feels lifeless,
I feel out of breath
really tired.

My brain on the other hand  
feels much more speedy and wired.

Got loads of ideas but can't seem to always keep them going in my mind for long enough and end up forgetting them.  

Things I really need to complete in my day but can only usually attempt to do a few things so feel like I fall way behind every one else.

Events I really want to attend and friends I want to see again which I feel like such an huge let down and usually have to cancel them in the end.

My body will not always work for me in the same way as my brain really does.

Instead my body  just wants to not do anything that my brain tells it to to do just  give up so easy in the fight when its needed the most.

I find I can't often move my legs and arms when I want to move them.

One of my eyes  doesn't work as well so I can't always see too good.

My thoughts are jumbled up in my mind so dont make much sense.

My speech is a lot harder to understand.

I feel like the  messy splat on the page that is  really trying to blend in and look dignified, beautiful and still but it's really nothing more than just a plain, chaotic, messy splat that doesn't belong there in the first place.

No matter how hard life can be though its always good to have a sense of humour and just  never give up when it gets really tough.

Cyber bullies stop picking on me because I can't always speak, write or read as well as you can.

One of these days I will prove you all wrong and really improve all my skills enough to do well again in life: then you will  be feeling like the hugest idiot in life and not me.

Stop making my life hell.

The cyber bullies are really the weak ones.

They have their own insecurities I can tell.

I am an really nice lady you just really need to take the time to really get to know me.

I really just want respect, friendship and love in this world.

I never really hurt anyone intentionally but other people have actually really hurt me.

I really just want myself and other people to be happy.

I don't want no more threats from you cyber bullies.

All day you hide your true identity behind that screen.

I'm sick of you cyber bullies  constantly laughing at my comments.

I really just had enough of  the cyber bullies.

Why have you got be so mean?

Living with migraines every day is already an huge  punishment enough for me.

I would not even wish this pain and sadness on my worst enemy.

I will keep trying every day to get better.

I will ignore all the negativity and  the pain that you cyber bullies  have all caused me from this very day.

I wish I could stop all theparanoid  thoughts.  Feel unsafe                              
in this world.                           Feel like                                I have to                      watch my                      back when                     I'm away                    
from home.
Feel like eyes are staring watching my every move               every time                                    
I walk into an room.                                  I feel other people can hear me, I can hear them too but this is not always when people are actually talking to me. I can hear  laughter and sometimes  horrible comments.                         With my logic I know this isn't  real. It can feel very real to me but this is all really just the fear beating me in the head again. I feel an constant dread  that something dangerous or sinister is lurking around me. I wish it would all just go away leave me alone and let me live my life in peace with my daughter. This uncomfortable feeling follows me around every where. I have to stop myself and have a good stare to make sure what I'm really seeing is the truth and not just another lie or form of deceit.

I hate waking up to screaming and shouting.                        It makes me feel stressed out and on edge.                                    I just want to hear the sounds of the  sweet birds in the morning have a much more calmer life but my life is anything but calm and  its definitely not quiet.               The mood of hearing all the  anger and fear happening most  night's often really impacts my quality of sleep and my own life.                                                               It made me feel a lot more paranoid.                                          I feel an nervous wreck in the day to speak to anyone. I have very few friends living near me for support to cheer me up and make me laugh but I do always have my family visiting me daily  and I do have my partner and daughter too but when my partner and family are back home I can feel isolated and alone having to manage with all my anxious thoughts in the day and the frightening voices I can some times  hear when I'm feeling really  down which causes me a lot of fear. I always  ignore this. I stand up against it and usually win  distract myself with keeping myself busy, doing my singing and writing helps to take this pain from me too.                        I struggle to visit public places without being with family or being with my partner in case I end up upsetting someone else in the room and being a  subject of ridicule and physical abuse. I had a whole life of being bullied for being different and socially  awkward around other people and whole lot of physical and mental abuse in the last 10 years because I have always been too  soft. I have rarely opened up about my abuse  and got the help I needed.                                          I would always put up with it as I never wanted to upset anyone else I just wanted to live my life without having any drama or hassle.                                           I feel I can't even say  what's on my mind much nowadays.            I can only really share my deeper inner  thoughts and truth to a  selective few  people as I'm too scared to do this with most other people  in case I'm hurt again by someone else but I am stronger than I look and can usually take all this quite well.  Will get there in time just need to recover and get myself feeling better again.

What I want to say to my daughter Sophie is I will always love her. Even when I been hurt so many times. I shrugg it off every day and I show her my love and  forgivenes. It can be tough at times when she's not happy with me but she means  everything to me. She already got a lot to manage in her young life and she was always a fighter from the start and doesn't know any better when she does lose her temper even when I tell her she needs to manage it better.  I really just want her to do well in life learn respect and just listen to me. I love her with all my heart even if the pain I get from it all does hurt me from time to time.                        I will always love her            my daughter sophie.

I want to survive this fight. I keep battling it every day.                 Sometimes                     the struggle                           just to breathe,    sometimes                     the struggle    
is to eat.                           I  do the best I can      to get through my day. It's been 3 year's of hell for me just one huge battle that I finally want to win and  survive for my daughter sake to see her grow up and to grow old with my other half is my only wish. Its really taking a lot of  energy out of me.                                  I feel like               crying at times,                            
but you know what       I will never give up. 
You never feel the same again and you always feel the pain.                                 I do this for my daughter and for my other half.                    
My other half does what he can and tries really hard to make me laugh. Distract me from all the horror life is now putting me through.                          Will I finally beat it and win this battle only time will tell.   Just want more than anything to feel fit and well again.

To me the word love was difficult to feel or define.                   
I never knew or could express what love was.                

I was only  half way there with my definition
on what love meant to me.
I was being assessed for autism on that day  
                                      
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.              

I had only ever felt infatuation or lust
never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.

He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured
The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me
making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid
of what happened
making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.  

I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused
I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol
which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.

I said to the assessor
how can you expect me to define
what love really is?
when I was feeling  broken all the time.
Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. 
Feeling like I was always a second or third option
but never a first option.

The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have  relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head  for a long while as I felt that when I always got  comfortable I would end up rejected and  getting my heart broken.              


This is until I finally met the love of my life.                
I knew there was something I love
about him even from the start.                
My partner is energetic
and always wants to help other people
same as myself.                        
I know that I feel what love is for him
as no other man or woman ever  compares to him.                    
We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years
but we are strong together.
Life has constantly tested us
and we have always been there
helped each other out
from falling into the dark pit.
                            
He turns my frown into a smile
by making me laugh with his jokes.                
I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything.
There is always equal love and there is always equal support.
He's like my best friend as well as my lover
and always looks after me and sophie too.  
                      
He puts us first and I always do the same for him.                
We've been working on our issues together
and we make such a great team.                    
We are both creative and spiritual.              
He's helped me enjoy the good
and also get through the very bad,
being there for me even when I felt low
or when my health has been very poor.   
         
I've always been there for him
when he's equally had the good
and very bad in his life. 
                 
For me this is what  love is to me
he never expects anything
he just loves me how I am
and I love him that way too.
My bad experiences had blinded me
for the first 2 years of the relationship
and created more
insecurities but now
I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him     
We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes
and there is always ups and downs
but we have never given up on each other.      
I love him and sophie so much.
He's my love.