When I got the bad news a month a go
that there was a chance I could have gotten
Cancer if I had left it any longer.
The nurse had given me a smear test
I had no clue:
I just knew I didn't feel that well
at the end of last year
start of this one.
They told me I have some
precancerous cells and now
I'm my first treatment this week is due.
If I hadn't gone for that smear test
I wouldn't have known and it could have gotten
worst for me that was a huge  shock to my system!


Its been a whirlwind of a month
since my first examination results
only last year I was diagnosed
with a brain cyst
thought I got through
the worst of that
sadly deep down I just knew
something was still very wrong with my health;
I kept pursuing the doctors and investigated it over the year
and only now we're finding out I am needing
my first treatment this week:
its very early stages ****** cancer
but you never think
this is going to happen to you.


I just froze inside when I read the letter
I didn't know how to think or feel.
Life has always been a tough ride for me:
I realize all the pain I went through
now I am learning to love me more
and I am staying true to myself.
I realize I just lost my passion
over the years;  getting over constant
heart ache, mental abuse and feeling the pain
and sadness inside my head
as I found it difficult to show
my emotions on the outside.


Drinking ***** just to numb
and make me forget all the bad
you know what I never really did:
it always lingered and stayed with me.
Facing negative remarks, trauma and alcoholism.
I met some lovely souls along the way
but some horrible ones too. I constantly
was held back of what I wanted to do
had nasty people saying
you will never amount to anything
or you can't do that.


Taking advantage of my kindness and leaving me high and dry
you know what I am really better than this;
I am not even angry or sad anymore at the bad people
just want to settle the scores straight.
I made some bad mistakes in the past.
I'm already suffering for this now
paying the price with the pain
I am feeling
hopefully this won't last.


I feel scared inside but I am no coward
I am a fighter all the way and a survivor too
I know I will recover from this ordeal
and come out stronger and better than ever.
I have still a lot of fight in me
and a lot to learn and discover
and chasing my dreams
no longer letting people
push into the gutter as I did before.


I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter
and feel this is my main purpose in Life
to be the best mummy I can be to her
and not let her down.
I want her to do well;
avoid all the things that
sadly got in my way in Life.
If I was just a bit stronger
said no and stood up for myself more
I would have pulled through;
I have a new calling now in Life.
I just want to see my daughter grow up
make sure she finds someone that genuinely
wants to be there for her and cares and loves her
the same way her daddy feels for me.


I hope to see her grown up
and for her to have kids too.
I am very blessed to have
such lovely family, partner, daughter
and know amazing health care professional people
working on my side with a bit of treatment
will help me to recover
give me hope and strength
to do the best I can to be there
and always protect
my little gem of an daughter,
who was born in the time of the angels 11.11.
She was sent from the Heaven's to guide me
and be the best I can through my Life.


I am also very fortunate of course
to have a loving partner by my side
who stood by me from the start of our daughter's Life.
He makes me laugh
I have learnt a lot from him
we learn new things about each other all the time.


In this ordeal I will not give up
the fight and keep
trying my best
and for all those dear spirits I have lost
in the last few years will keep on smiling.

Sue was reading a raunchy magazine in bed; ted was cuddling up to her and watching telly
sue: "have you ever thought about trying some role play"
Ted: " what kind?"
Sue: "not the anime kind if that's what your thinking how about we just swap clothes - I wear what you wear and I'll be ted for the whole day and you wear what I'm wearing and be sue"
Ted: "Yeah we could try that sure sounds fun"
Sue: "brilliant I will leave you one of my dresses, some make up  and we will swap clothes for the whole day.

Sure enough the next day Sue left a note before she went to work on Ted's bed with a box. It had some of her lipstick, some eye shadow also a lovely floral dress for Ted to try while she was at work. It was a perfect size 14 fit; Ted prepared his make up the way sue usually did every morning and was surprised by the very person who was staring at him in the he mirror his once chiselled masculine features were now more delicate and feminine He shaved his beard off and even went as far as shaving his legs as instructed by her. He felt more excited as the day went on his **** growing in size he smelt sue's ******* they were fresh but there was a whiff of sue still in them when he put them over his **** he started to rub his **** up and down over her ******* then put on her fish net tights and finally her high heel shoes.

He secretly had fantasies of doing this  as a teenager but he often too scared of getting caught out by his mum. He got as far as trying on her make up wearing her perfume and trying on her tights and when she asked if he had seen them he said came up with an excuse they were lost in the washing machine.

Sue came back from work wearing Ted's shirt, his boxer briefs and trousers smelling of his lynx body spray. She even went as far as buying
a beard to reenact the role play of being Ted for the day it was very convincing and she looked how he looked there in another suitcase also stood a huge plastic ***** shaped perfectly as a ****

"Ted  " you know where that is going don't you"
"Sue "Yes I can't wait"

The transformations were complete Sue now as Ted started to caress sue kissing her neck and licking her ear lobes she gave out a shriek of delight speaking more in her most feminine voice. Ted then went down on her ******* her **** she felt hard as rock she could feel his breath warm and moist in full ******* motion; in this form Ted's short arms felt they grew longer and were more sturdy started to rub her **** up and down she gave out a squeal and *** more than what she usually did.  
Finally ted soaked sue's ******* in baby oil: give it a little cheeky lick before equipping his ***** **** into sue's ****. Sue held her breath for a few seconds as he pushed it in with some good throbbing movements she gave out a huge yelp and could then feel the ecstasy of *** spilling out
"Ted - wasn't that fun know you can go back to the way you was any time"
"Sue - Yeah I did enjoy it too will definitely do it again.

Sarah woke up in a dark room with dim lit windows; the room was small and very humid. Her arms  handcuffed to the radiator showing her visible white naked body she was soaked in some kind of baby oil but she could not see him all she could hear  of him was his whispers of his voice; saying I love you.

She could feel her ear lobes gently being licked and caressed  leaving her skin tingling and body shaking in anticipation he tightly stretch his arms around her thighs kissing and caressing them; she can already feel herself getting more wet not knowing his next move. He finally traces up her black ******* with his fingers playing with her ***** and exploring into her mystical dark tunnel and finding the spot which made her legs tremble as he does this he starts to roll his tongue inside her ***** licking her **** she was trying to hold back from squealing from the delight she could  feel herself heating up and more sweaty finally he hit that spot again and her  ***** squirt.

I remember the age of 6
it was the second year at school;
the teacher was scary, red face
and really threatening
I was behind with life and social
skills being the slow learner I was
not being able to communicate
fully and being shy and timid
now with the knowledge of being
diagnosed with dyspraxia and autism
but back then my teacher didn't know about
these diagnosis she just referred to me as being
dumb, slow and stupid
it was PE everyone was ready except for me
the teacher couldn't understand
why I was taking so long
struggling to put my clothes on;
everything was back to front
and I couldn’t tie my laces
instead of helping she got angry
lost her temper and showed me up in front of the class
all the kids started to laugh
I felt ashamed and humiliated
barely anyone would talk to me
as they thought I was stupid
and I started to feel alone and isolated
my parents couldn't understand
why I broke down in front
of them and that I didn't want to attend
school my parents felt she
pushing me hard to succeed
but in reality all she did was really scare me
my only friends really was soft toys
that I liked to create adventures
with and books which I loved to read
it was my escape
I love reading science text books
and absorbing scientific words
adored fiction
had a good grasp
of vocabulary
and knowledge
well above my station.

Years down the line met the teacher
I had when I was 6 she felt bad
for what she put through and apologised
and I did the nice thing and forgave her
I was surprised that she did remembered
me from all those years a go
maybe that day as traumatic
and humiliating as it might have been
was just another lesson
that in this world you
need to be tough
and keep trying
with what you have
no matter what.

First of all don't fit me into a box
the typical 2 gender category
I do have a female body
that doesn't mean I always behave or
act as a female does
can't stand the typical
black and white view and stereotypes
your a woman therefore
you must clean, cook and be in the kitchen
its life skills everyone needs to learn
regardless of their gender and identity
its not the 1960s any more
everyone is equal
also the fact that I enjoy ***
and have a female body
doesn't make me a ***** *** or a ****
check your definitions
before you start accusing me of this
*** and ***** pay for pleasure
I never charged anyone
just sharing my affection and love
for people and *** is a beautiful
and spiritual act so be honoured
rather than attacking me  
also don't call me woman or lady
but by all means you can call me
***, babe, chick or if in doubt just call
me by my first name Kim
I am neutral gendered
I understand both male
and female perspectives
love people regardless
of gender as I don't
fit into any of these categories
I enjoy both male and
female activities
but I often flit
between the 2
genders
therefore I am neutral
and will dress, behave
and act accordingly
to how I feel.

The feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head
from time to time
why is everything in my brain feel so distorted
seeing in my mind always as a male;
then my body is the opposite;
the mismatch causing me
anxiety
the feeling of living a lie;
having to deny these
feelings for years
ignoring how I felt
in my teens
when my hormones
and feelings were just a bit
different in case
people called me a freak
I hated being judged
all I wanted was love
so kept everything quiet
too scared to tell any one
for years fearing
no one will ever love me any more
feeling rejected
as not many will truly
understand how I feel inside
so I repressed it so many times
which left me over the years
feeling more
hollow and empty
dysphoria is complicated;
wish it was easy
but I nothing ever is.

Over the years
I have new challenges to face
with raising a baby girl
learning to accept
I might not ever be my
authentic self but
want to teach her to
that things are not
always appear to be
and that you should
always try and help people
whenever you can
in the new year going to build my self esteem
maybe one day I learn to love myself
learn to speak out
get support where needed
when feeling down.

Dysphoria is hard to live with
at times but I'm learning
to accept and I'm moving forward
with my life.

The times you hear the words
I love you its the typical cliche
they slip out
sometimes casually
think carefully about the
real meaning behind
the words next time you use them
love is shown by actions
doing things for the ones
you care about and not only spoken.