I keep pushing my self through
the constant misery of pain.

I realise in the last year that my life will  never be the same ever again.

The pain never seems to get much better it will never really stop hurting.

I keep trying.
I keep walking a little more
each day.

Moving a few little more steps forward
going in that right direction

I know in the end this will lead to much bigger and better  rewards in the end if I never give up and keep on doing this.

No matter the pain, no matter the fear and no matter the tears
I've got keep pushing through
that darknes,
the inner turmoil 
that black and white tunnel we call life and push through to the other side to a much brighter and more happier place
and state of mind.

I feel  like im not allowed to express what I really feel inside my head any more.

I feel more like a droid
Numb, sad and very bored.

I don't feel like an  human.

Everything in life has to be so confusing,
frightening  and it just doesn't feel like how beautiful life should really even feel any more.

Everything that was good in my life  has been gradually shutting down over the years.

I always feel like im wearing a frown.
More poorly, paranoid and insecure.
Being fed more ways that you must live your life as said by the  experts behind an computer screen.

I wish that was life
more like an beautiful dream.

That one day things will be a lot more fun and brighter again but this will  never be for the time being as all we can only accept in life is what we are able
to see and make the most of what
we have got to ever be feeling truely free.

Please dont blame blame me for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life.

I am really doing the absolute
best I can for both me and my daughter.

I asked for medical and mental health  help.

I have been ignored  and rejected so many times before.

Feel there is very little care in this world any more.

I had a random  moment in my life where I decided you know what I will give up asking and just let every thing go in its own course.

I decided that I will just have to learn to  deal with my mental issues mostly on my own.

It honestly just felt like a crime to even ask for help any more.

All you get is harsh judgments and threats for even thinking of going down the very slippery road.

I just felt like in the end  giving up on the idea of asking for any more help and that this must be the best way to go.

Doing this in the end has obviously made my life a lot worse.

When I finally asked for medical help yet again.

I  did do the right thing but I was told that I had reacted a little too late.

I got the  finger pointed at me yet again.

I was  blamed for everything going wrong when you know and every one else knows this and you can all see for your self that I've tried so many times before to ask for help and got no where with having any support.

No action  promised to me was ever  completed  and when I told you things about what was going on in my life some things were not even properly recorded.

I just feel its all broken, empty promises and words to me to make me feel there is still light and there is still hope in the world.

The broken promise that maybe something can be done to fix my problems one day but it will probably wont be happening any time soon and that's all I can truely hope, pray and dream will happen.  

These words are empty they seriously don't mean that much to me any more.

They just fly right from my ears to my head and then  right back out into the sky.

All I get is there, there things will be okay  then I hear the real true words in the empty sky say to me that you will have to wait and hold on tight for another
year before anything can be really be done and that I have to keep  sailing and pushing through this tidal wave of life alone.

It has been really frustrating at times waiting for such a long  time just to get the right support in place.

All I honestly need in my life is help from the right  people  who truely do care and want me to get better.

Not keep on  hearing the same old broken promises, dreams and words over and over.

I miss you my dear friend.  
I really wish I could have said
my last good bye.

Before your spirit transcended
into the white empty sky.

I sat at home
I just wished I had visited you and  seen you
that last time again before
you flew into the Heaven's.

I regret not being there on the day of your funeral and never being able to truely pay my respects.

I did not want to ruin that day for you.

I do wish I had been more braver to be able to attend on the day and  that I was able to say what I really wanted to say about you.

I just always seem to ramble on  and get my words wrong.

You did use to find it sweet and a little funny at times when I just seem to get all my words ******* in a knot.

But I do realise that even tnough I will probably never never see you again in life that in death its never really the end.

I will always remember the good times until then will keep myself strong
and remember those good times
and write them as poems and rhymes.

You always be remembered
God bless you my dear friend.

I find it uncomfortable when there are the minority of people in the world who are still laughing and staring  at me for needing a wheel chair.

The mentality and immaturity of some people in my life just really  disappoints and saddens me.  

It can some times make me feel like I'm living in an world that has lost a lot of  love, purpose and care too.

I still feel the need to hide at home a lot of the time.

I rarely go out in public  down to feeling ashamed and embarrassed of being classed as  disabled.

There are just far too many hurdles to face with my daily  life every day this is made even worse when you have    limited mobility.

I often stay out of the  way to make life a little  easier on every one else.

In the last 9 months I have seen some really good people in my life  who have always tried to make me smile.

Gone far and beyond to make my experience in my day more happy and bearable.

I still see some of the bad people in life lurking around who always try to spoil this for me.

I rarely see
many ramps for wheel chair assess  in public places and on public transport.  

Things are steadily  changing for the better.

People with disabilities thoughts and views on life are finally being heard and not completely ignored and and rejected so there might  be still hope for equal rights.

Who really knows what will happen in the future  so the best idea would be to always be positive and thankful for all the help that you do recieve in your life.

Keep strong and always  move  forward an few more steps each day.

It's important to always take  those steps in your life even if they have only been a.few slow steps at an time.

I often still see a lot of shocked and some times even  annoyed faces when going out  which does take me by surprise.

I still see and occasionally experience mental  abuse but that's life eh? I've got to stay strong and keep plodding along.

There has been so many times I have heard people say to me that you are just  very lazy, my dear.

This is your own fault, you have done this to your self.

I live with the guilt and shame every day, living with chronic pain
which will never go away.

The negative judgement and comments of other people that I have been quietly hearing in the background    before going to sleep at night.

The depressing and stressful memories over the years are constantly  streaming  through my ears and  brain playing  every day and every night.

It can be explosive at times as a titanic waterfall.

I can hear the inner critic, the inner fear that creeps around and festers in my brain.

The thing in life which is telling me constantly  you will never be able to survive, you never cope with living a good life.

I silence that voice more than ever to this very day.

I tell it that it has no more  power over me or no place in my own life.

I tell it to stop saying that I'm not good enough I'm worthy to have an good life just like everyone else even when the  critical voice has  been by far  the  loudest for an very long time and is  drowning out the voices of  every one else around me talking in the same  room.

I drown that  negative voice out with music, sunshine, art, singing and poetry.

I regularly do my daily physio  exercises every day.

I keep fighting the good fight in my own way for both me, my daughter and my partner's own happiness and life too.

I keep trying and  doing my best with every thing maybe one day things will be going  more my way.

I could feel like I'm winning in life for once but until its my time I must be patient and wait never give up and accept that these are the cards that I have been in fact  given and have to deal with in my life.

I need to start using  these cards in the  game that we all call Life.

I feel more afraid now to walk the street.


I don't like being harshly compared.  

I dont like being questioned.

I don't like being watched and I really don't like being followed.

There is far too much hate.

When I have experienced these horrifying scenes un life. I want to escape and get out in that fresh air and sunshine.

I wish we could just learn to respect
one another.

We are not meant to be born the same.

We should all be winning but at our own game in life.

No one should ever feel that they don't belong.

We are unique, we are all important notes that inspire and make such an beautiful song.

I feel we should learn to accept one another.

Learn to work together.

Banish paranoia,
banish dread,
banish fear and  most importantly banish hatered forever.