The voices are so loud.
They turn my smile into a frown.
The more I want them to be
still and quiet.
They turn into a huge riot.
Telling me my life is a lie,
I keep on telling them to leave me alone
and I quietly say why
I cant ever feel free,
I cant  escape.
I feel watched by so many eyes.
They follow me
They feel they are experts
and know everything
They laugh
They taunt
They threaten.
I keep fighting
the battle with them
every day.
I will not be beaten down.
I will keep fighting!
I will keep fighting!
I will keep fighting!

I am not always there
But I am only witnessing all
this with my own eyes.  
I  see when outside
that we have to be in a
respectable lines.
Being told to follow rules
and you will always do fine.
You will survive.
Order is necessary and
well chaos we need to avoid that...
Its an massive problem, the
unstable cog in that clean engine.
Mother time is our enforcer
and sometimes our healer.
The only witness we have in Life.

We don't always live a life that we care for or we dont always live a life we really need any more.
We  just survive in any way we can,
occasionally suffering trauma along the way that we have to fight day in day out usually alone... dealing with voices of just having yet another mental disorder, insomnia, isolation and despair.
Nothing ever is really what you say
is really true or fair.
We just to live to survive the day and yes we usually repeat that process again, again and again.

My life is a black void.
A shadow that
keeps  chasing and kicking me down.  
I can't escape.
I am paralysed.
I am wearing a frown.

I am stuck in my one place.
I am frozen in that time and space
I can't feel
anything but absolute pain.
Living this hell every day. My happiness is fading away  and going through what feels like death.
I hope there is a white light to guide me the right way.

I wish I could be free again  to be able to freely roam on my legs without being in absolute  agony.

I'm stuck in limbo while I wait for the right help, Im stuck in this cycle of  misery, I'm stuck in pain, I'm stuck in shame.

I walk, I scream, I cry, I sing, I clean, I work on my  colouring. I love to write poems like this from time to time to be able to give me strength and get me through this fight.

I want to keep on fighting the best I can.

I want to be there for my little girl,
she needs me more than anything.

I try my hardest for her and I do what I can some times she even had to be there for me when things have been really rough.

She knows I'm stuck in this kind of limbo almost like  a kind of hell.

She wishes there was some one or some thing out to help break this pain and to help break this dark spell.

Maybe one day the right help will be there once and for all.
Then I can finally break down this massive huge wall blocking out the sunshine and happiness.

I keep pushing my self through
the constant misery of pain.

I realise in the last year that my life will  never be the same ever again.

The pain never seems to get much better it will never really stop hurting.

I keep trying.
I keep walking a little more
each day.

Moving a few little more steps forward
going in that right direction

I know in the end this will lead to much bigger and better  rewards in the end if I never give up and keep on doing this.

No matter the pain, no matter the fear and no matter the tears
I've got keep pushing through
that darknes,
the inner turmoil 
that black and white tunnel we call life and push through to the other side to a much brighter and more happier place
and state of mind.

I feel  like im not allowed to express what I really feel inside my head any more.

I feel more like a droid
Numb, sad and very bored.

I don't feel like an  human.

Everything in life has to be so confusing,
frightening  and it just doesn't feel like how beautiful life should really even feel any more.

Everything that was good in my life  has been gradually shutting down over the years.

I always feel like im wearing a frown.
More poorly, paranoid and insecure.
Being fed more ways that you must live your life as said by the  experts behind an computer screen.

I wish that was life
more like an beautiful dream.

That one day things will be a lot more fun and brighter again but this will  never be for the time being as all we can only accept in life is what we are able
to see and make the most of what
we have got to ever be feeling truely free.

Please dont blame blame me for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life.

I am really doing the absolute
best I can for both me and my daughter.

I asked for medical and mental health  help.

I have been ignored  and rejected so many times before.

Feel there is very little care in this world any more.

I had a random  moment in my life where I decided you know what I will give up asking and just let every thing go in its own course.

I decided that I will just have to learn to  deal with my mental issues mostly on my own.

It honestly just felt like a crime to even ask for help any more.

All you get is harsh judgments and threats for even thinking of going down the very slippery road.

I just felt like in the end  giving up on the idea of asking for any more help and that this must be the best way to go.

Doing this in the end has obviously made my life a lot worse.

When I finally asked for medical help yet again.

I  did do the right thing but I was told that I had reacted a little too late.

I got the  finger pointed at me yet again.

I was  blamed for everything going wrong when you know and every one else knows this and you can all see for your self that I've tried so many times before to ask for help and got no where with having any support.

No action  promised to me was ever  completed  and when I told you things about what was going on in my life some things were not even properly recorded.

I just feel its all broken, empty promises and words to me to make me feel there is still light and there is still hope in the world.

The broken promise that maybe something can be done to fix my problems one day but it will probably wont be happening any time soon and that's all I can truely hope, pray and dream will happen.  

These words are empty they seriously don't mean that much to me any more.

They just fly right from my ears to my head and then  right back out into the sky.

All I get is there, there things will be okay  then I hear the real true words in the empty sky say to me that you will have to wait and hold on tight for another
year before anything can be really be done and that I have to keep  sailing and pushing through this tidal wave of life alone.

It has been really frustrating at times waiting for such a long  time just to get the right support in place.

All I honestly need in my life is help from the right  people  who truely do care and want me to get better.

Not keep on  hearing the same old broken promises, dreams and words over and over.