I'm not sure that I will make it.
that terrifies me so much it hurts.
I feel the tears behind every smile,
but I push them back,
what happens when they break through?

I fear the moment of failure,
more than my own death.
The slightest hint of disappointment,
and I might fall, its such a mess.
What happens if I don't get back up?

So much tears stream down my face,
I fear drowning in the cause of such a sea.
If i cant make it,
I fear that no one will be there for me.
Is anyone there?

So I sit on my shaky seat of a future.
and wait for my fear to come alive.
I cannot predict any outcome,
so I will just try to quell the fear inside.
I'm scared of my own fears, I'm scared of failure.

I see her cry, when he walks away,
She dries her eyes and says... I'm ok.
She turns around and hides her face,
She dries her eyes to hide disgrace.

She's not ok.

She says I don't love you anymore,
when she leaves he falls to the floor.
the pain of his heart he tries to hide,
I'm ok, he says, though not inside.

He's not ok.

I mask my tears and my pain,
I hide the hurt and ignore the strain.
I'm ok, I tell myself.
and take my troubles and put them on a shelf.

I'm not ok.

Lying in a world of pain,
nothing changes if it all stays the same.
I admit fine.. I'm not ok..
I wont be alive if i stay this way..

Maybe I will be ok...

I take the first step and admit it all,
I will be ok, if I stand up when I fall.
I smile and think what a fool I have been,
How different it could have been, if I had seen,
That I wasn't ok.

I'll be ok.

I remember when I first put on my mask,
it was the first time mum had really seen me cry.
Not like when I was a child,
more like pain and anguish rained from my eyes.
       I put on my mask.

The years came and the mask grew on me,
no idle emotions slipped past its wall.
And then I met you, and you saw through,
my mask and its wall began to fall.
       The mask crumbled.

When bad times came like thunder,
and the mask slowly crept back.
You held my hand and held me as I cried,
you stood me up and kept me on track.
       The mask cant return

I remember when you told me that you loved me,
I thought all my joy I should mask.
You smiled and said 'you don't need to hide from me',
and me, and my emotions were free at last.
       No more mask.

Cut off, disconnected, sick of being pushed aside.
From all of this I can see that we can’t coincide.
It doesn’t matter how much you put me down or not hear my words.
It can’t compare with your dreadful glare, it’s hard and it hurts.

I have spent my time trying, to find your favoring heart,
Not one helpful thing was found, hopeless from the start.
So I say the thing I couldn’t, that I tried to ignore.
I give up and will not try anymore.

This is the end of caring, the time when I say no more.
You’ve damaged me and broken me, and I am tired and sore.
My heart screams and my eyes cry, and I don’t know why.
When I leave remember that I really did try.

I have no more to give. I have no more to say.
Understand that I am finally leaving things your way.
I don’t want you to care, and I don’t want you to forget.
But yes if you find the time, think back and regret.

There's a book I kept locked away in hiding,
I'd write in there my poems, thoughts and words.
It was worn and old, its pages stained from writing,
Inside were words and thoughts never heard.

There was a book that some one found while searching,
It broke my heart, as each page was flicked through.
Misunderstood, incomprehensible feelings,
I burnt those thought stained pages, away they flew.

In my mind the words still linger, fleeting,
They're nothing more than memories that cause pain.
For they're truth, and simple courage of they're purpose,
Painful so, In my head they will remain.



My thoughts, you can't touch them there.

         Safe in my mind, never yours, only mine.

You defiled my secrets and lost my trust.

         It flew away with the burnt pages on the wind.

I smile to hide my pain,
I smile to hide my fears.
I'm smiling to hide from facing it all,
I'm smiling to hide my tears.

I laugh to hold my smile in place,
I laugh to mask my screams.
I laugh to act that I'm OK,
I laugh to dwell in dreams.

I frown because the pain broke through,
I frown because I must face my fears.
I frown because confrontation has come,
My frown is washed away by my tears.

I'm in pain because I've been hurt so much,
I'm afraid of  hurting again.
It's time to face up to the past,
I'm crying because of the strain..

Why I put on my mask each day.....

All the years I have spent,
crying out in pain.
Harboring all this hurt,
trying to fight against the shame.

One small poem breaks the wall,
that I built to protect my heart.
In those words I re-lived,
all that hurt me from the start.

As I cried I thought of how,
the ones I loved, I couldn't protect.
And wondered if there was a way,
I could move on from regret.

I see my brothers crying eyes,
so young and so confused.
I see my mum cringing when,
I told her the dreadful news.

I see my dad hide his tears,
the turn away from me.
I see my sister try to understand,
but she could never see.

Now I see, you hurt and sad,
fighting against your tears.
It all comes back and hurts me to,
even after several years.

I cried and cried,
and tried to defend my heart once again.
But this time, it was just to much,
this time I felt the strain.

My heart I fear cannot take,
one more break and keep beating.
I don't no what do do because,
my strength, it is fleeting.

So here I am, this is me,
standing broken and in pain.
Trying  hard to protect,
my loved ones that remain.

I promise I will do my best,
and truly give it all.
I'm trying to put back the pieces,
but please, don't hate me if i fall...