At least my subconscious
Knows not to feel guilty
Anymore for kissing strangers
Or people from my past
In my dreams. I don't have
To pretend it was only
Him now. It's rather nice.

Sometimes I just want to be reckless like folks my age tend to be.
Go out to bars, have too much to drink, find a friendly stranger to end the night with.
Will it help fill that empty space inside me?
No.
I think it would make the missing piece grow out of control.
I don’t want to be consumed by this.
This nothing.
Advice says I should be the one to make myself whole, but I’ve doubted that from the start.
Why does everyone think I’m such a strong person?
I don’t feel like it, not now.
It was easy to be strong when things were fine; I thought I could handle anything.
It seems I was wrong.
But I’m trying.
Really I am.
Yet my thoughts are inked with a poison.
Hate is far too controlling so I have caved to its powers.
I want to crush something.
Use my fists and expel all this aggression out on something that doesn't deserve it.
That’s probably not fair, but I've had enough of all this.
I've had enough of him.

I have a secret, you see
And it is all about me
Though not like it’s very hidden.
I’m an imp, if you wish it,
I do tend to fidget
But I do so rather quietly.
Silent footsteps behind you,
Now sneaking isn’t meant to
Scare when my approach comes nearer.
I might give you a *****
And you’ll jump like a kook,
But try not to be so surprised.
There will be a next time
Do not make it a crime
When I appear out of nowhere.

It’s the ideas that I plant
Inside heads when I can’t
Act on such good tricks to be played.
Tie his laces to chairs
Not a classmate will care,
And Teacher blames only the boy.
This, but one example,
Of things that I’m ample
To come up with everyday.
Now if you’re real careful
And seem quite delightful,
I’ll just have to let you be,
Although Tricksy Grandma did name me.

I am far from the sweet
Words I used to sing to you.
My adoration lost like the
Unfulfilled promises.
Sorry has come to mean
Nothing to me, just an
Empty phrase you speak
Too often. For you to fall
So simply out of love
Says you never meant
The praise you once weaved.
You have become my
Greatest disappointment.
Now if I could only say
Goodbye.

I want to be mean.
To say all the terrible things
My mind keeps developing.
I want to tell all your friends
That you wet the bed one night
And unfortunately me as well.
I want to alert your employer
Of your medical issues that
Could impair your work.
I want to tell you I hope it
Hurts when they take out
Your wisdom teeth.
I want you to be bored out
Of your mind when you’re
On whatever ship they put
You on for months at a time.
I want you drink too much
And puke out your guts,
Kind of like I have this
Month from the stress.
I want to tell you nothing
You write makes any sense
Because you're trying too hard.
I want you to be isolated,
Worn, and miserable.

You would think with the loss of my first
Love that I would be flowing with pain-ridden
Words, but mostly I’m just empty.

I wish I could say empty only in the
Metaphorical sense, I do. Yet the anger
And anxiety swell up inside me and all
My hard work spills out into that lovely
Porcelain throne of mine.

I gave pieces of me away freely and now
That they’ve been tossed back, they don’t
Fit properly in place. I’ve tried switching
Things around, but the pieces are useless now.
Misshapen fragments of what they used to be.

There’s this fear creeping around that I’m
Just bitter now, but when I flip through
My thoughts, it’s just bitterness for him.
That boy, and a boy it seems he shall
Forever remain, deserves nothing but
My hostile words. Though words are
worthless to those who cannot hear.

I’ve spoken my heated words to the
One I once loved and am not satisfied.
I’m afraid I can’t do this on my own.

A shadow snatched me in a dream
The thought is eerier than it seems
I knew it crouched in wait for me
And yet I ventured out to see
I thought I might be safe this time
My luck ran out, it made the climb
From down the stairs where it does dwell
It’s solid form caused my lungs to swell
Dark hands reached out and gripped my own
A chilling hold down to my bones
When my mind was just about to break
My body ******, I was awake.