My hands became calloused as I held tight to the idea that things would get better and white knuckles turned to arthritis almost overnight it seemed. I was never patient enough to wait for things to come in time and that saying never meant much anyway. So by the time I was ready to end it all the better part of life was waiting in the shadows almost like spring does in the ending suns of winter. My hands became calloused as I held on to the idea that things would once again become bad, and that the better part of life would be stolen from me like all the loves of the past. I became to busy being scared of losing it all to enjoy the warmth around me. Then soon like I had feared I was alone again and the spring was something I endured just to get to the summer where love sometimes blooms which is odd about life... My hand became calloused as I clutched the phone waiting for some sort of something to let me know this wasn't all life had for me

I don't think I meant to but... I may have danced with the devil.
The night was so warm and I couldn't help the heat in my soul.
I shook with a passion that needed a fix so along came a charmer
with a strong arm and a cigarette. We danced until the sun was way into the night.
we danced until the moon once again saw light. I didn't think I done any wrong
until I felt my heart want more sin and more sin. So I let the heat grow cold in my soul
til the embers were just warm coals and I danced alone to see if maybe it was just me.
But his eyes and his hips and by god those cigarettes were all I could think on my mind.
I opened my eyes and to my surprise he was there again with a devilish grin and and a small
shiny tin. So I took his strong arms and a cigarette and kept on dancing on the night I will never forget.

The fingertips upon my neck stunk of stale cigarettes
the breath upon my face of smoke. I  handed over my
dreams with such disdain. My mind was elsewhere, was
I to blame? The moon above me soothed my mind as the
tears rolled down my face, hurt I could not hide. Now I'm
such a mean girl, he took my life, ruined my world.

Can I write my eulogy?
Tell the people what they think of me.
Can I write my eulogy?
Speak the words they said of me.
Can I write my eulogy?
Stand as the tears stream down your face
and watch as you embrace.
Can I write my eulogy
For you to read. Read it word for word.
Don't tell a lie. Don't say you loved me
and you never got a chance to say goodbye.
I'll write my eulogy. The truth will it speak.
I'll write my eulogy and everyone will
speak of the REAL me.

We talked to each other like lovers often do.
You gasped when I touched your leg and I laughed.
I cried when you left and you smiled.
The days crept together at the close and I knew it was over.
I began to panic as I tried to think of ways to keep you.
I still think about you but I imagine that you're REALLY gone.
Because the idea that you live just up the street is too hard to handle.
It's almost been four years and can you believe I still remember?
The way your hand fit perfectly in mine and how I wanted nothing more than to please you.
The story was flawed and so were the circumstances... And though it was young...
it was strong and it will never leave my heart.

You talked about yourself in a way that put me down.
Things can't be the way they once were now...
The way you danced put stars in the sky on a stormy night
Now your hanging eyes will never see another light.
Sadness is dangerous, just like your smile.
You faked all the laughter for a hundred miles.
Life isn't for the weak and you could never get on your feet.
I see the terror you had when i look in the mirror.
The terror that plagued you when you tried to be happy.
I see it in me.
Bruised arms and bruised lines, I see you in my eyes.
You're in my eyes.

I thought about licking the tears from your chin. I thought about kissing the salt water from your veins. I thought about ******* the hurt from your heart. I thought about licking the hate from your eyes. I thought  about kissing the dust from your smile. I thought about ******* the dread from your lungs. "Give me a reason to keep on living" you'd whisper in my ear but i'll give you a thousand and keep your for a million years. It's hard to think of a world free of your grace so i'll do anything you say to save a little face. "it's hurts to be alive so I might as well die" You breathe into my mouth but i'll give you the breath of life just to see one more day by your side. Hurting is easy when you have a hand to hold at night and lips to kiss at daylight, through it all you're not a lost soul you just wandered off into the night.

I look in the mirror, what did I expect to see?
Age lines? Sure signs of dramatic aging?
I see me, just 20, one year older than the day
before. Nothing more, just me the same person
I use to be, just me with frown lines and a wicked
personality. Just me.

I tried to do it, to talk to you and not relive the past but... how does anyone do that? All I keep thinking about is the way we once were and how I want that back. The friend you once were to me. The person I always turned to and the lover I could never leave behind. Your smile is there in my mind right next to the beauty that we shared on that oddly chilly September night. I've never felt that with anyone else and it's a crying shame because I never will again. I'm not good enough for you now and I know that in my heart... But the best part is I know you still think about me and wish the same as me... it hurts to think that never again will we be.

I'm a nighttime lover, a day time wanderer
I'd bathe in the light of the moon
and turn my back to the suns rays.
In the filthy haze of the morning, last
nights sins are tattled on by the light
of day and if I had my way i'd sleep
through the dawn til dusk and i'd laugh
at the idea of ever needing the sun. I'd
kiss my mates lips and we'd lie side by side
til he slipped away and i'd retire for the day
and nobody would ever cast a judging glance
because my indiscretions wouldn't be laid
out before the world they'd still be in the
dark, with me. I'd be free to do whatever
I wanted with whomever I pleased. I'd be
free to talk to the man on the moon and tell
him i'd wish he'd been my first, to tell him I
wish i'd never told a lie, and I wished I had
said goodbye after the first punch, the first
time. I wish i had a clear mind and not bogged
down all the time. I'd call him a stranger and
tell him all about my life and he'd hold me and
say it will all be alright. And maybe then i'd
hope less for it all to end...I'm a nighttime lover
a day time wanderer stuck in the shadows of
weak kneed plunder and sometimes i'd be happy
to be alive though most of the times, i'd wish
i'd just died.

There came a time when your love for me started to fade. The light in your eyes had a different sort of shade.
The kisses became few, maybe one, maybe two. I wore you thin with all my heart, all my skin.
I think about the way your lips went crooked when you smiled, the way you got excited about seeing me like a new Disney movie for a child.
If love is real and love is long then why didn't the feeling outlast the song? I die inside thinking about the things you said and all the rings I heard in  my head when I called your name...
You and I...Me and you...Now there's nothing. And nothing left to do.

Breast to breast, cheek to cheek.
I had your hand and you my soul to keep.
The blood ran innocent as young sin but you were gasping, dying to get in.
We made promises, promises we couldn't keep.
We made love, love that didn't last past the sun peak.
When 17 came you were gone, little to no goodbye, never again did we speak.
Drain the bottle over and over, searching for your smile
I'd walk for days and hundreds of miles, i'd walk all night to see your light.
Broken and lost I made mistakes, did you make the same or was your side of the love all fake?

There's a sadness in the air.
Holding tightly on the throats.
Of all the little children and their
gentle child hope. There's a sadness
in the air, pressing tightly to the
lips. Of all the lonely lovers and the
hated that they miss. There's a sadness
in the air,squeezing lightly on the
hand of the victims and their loved
ones and the things for all they stand.
There's a sadness in the air leaking
doubt into the minds of angels and
their charges, sounds like a terrible
moaning rhyme.

Do you ever think about the stars and how much they see?
The moon and the sun, the birds and the bees.
From prying eyes we hide things we don't want to be.
But the wonders of the world, they see everything.  
We apologize to those that we let down,
do the stars ever cry for things they've found?
The shadows we cast puts the sun to shame
But to us, all the things without a voice are just that-
Lame.

I hate that the sun shines when i'm sad. Stop mocking me sun.
I want to scream to it please be sad with me, it's all I will ever ask.
I hate that the days go slower when you look forward to something.
Stop teasing me life. I want to scream please let me be happy, it's all I will ever ask.
I hate the every-now-and-then-religions. Stop it hypocrites.
I want to scream, don't judge me because i'm not a quiet sinner.
I hate that I love and i'm not loved back. Stop hurting me lover...
I want to scream I won't hurt you, truly, I promise...

The morning brought this different sort of light.
My view on the world was never the same.
You told me all these things and to me, I
was forced to believe. I watched you from
the corner of my eye as you'd drive. You
held my hand on the seat between us... I
could see all these worries in your eyes but
every time you'd say "No, i'm fine." I sat on
the seat as your father cooked, watching his
worn, tattooed hands move as he smiled.
You later told me the restaurant would be
closing and you feared the addiction would
enter his mind once again, All I wanted to
do was ease yours. Though I loved you so
I had to let you go, I couldn't put you in the
way, I couldn't let you become victim to me.
To the real me. It was the hardest thing I ever
had to do. Your father was me and I was he.
You hurt and I didn't want to be responsible
but in the end it was worse. I'll always remember
your eyes in the morning light and your skin
against mine but in the end... I know you'll be
fine.

The notes rang true through the night.
The silent note, loneliness.
It sat at the base of throats, at the bottom of hearts.
The sun set, the moon shines, the world sleeps.
But the note still rings.
Bottle after bottle in the grave.
Memories drank too strong to be forgave.
We sit with empty eyes and empty glasses
long nights and not enough passes of too many cigarettes and to many forget its.
We are the lonely, silent note.
The world sleeps
we still ring.
our cries still sing. Bottles hitting pavements still ring
screams into pillows over sorrow still ring.
The world goes on.

You're coffee and a cigarette on a hot sunny day.
Right before the sun hits the sweat beads just to be swept away by the tossing and turning from unfamiliar light.
You're the drawn out stretch, the first day breath, the belated sigh of loneliness.
You're the reason the moon kisses the sky before the dark even has a chance to.
You're the shutters and the smiles cast into the late night before residing with a lover or a pet.
In all honesty... You're the one person i'm terrified to forget.

I want to leave in the morning, around one.
I want to go as far as the gas tank will take us before stopping
I want to lay under the stars and fall asleep in the car.
I want to eat ****** food from gas stations and wonder where the hell we're going.
I want to do something crazy, something unpredictable and amazing.
I want to run into the ocean at dawn and laugh at the wind in my hair.
I want to scream at the moon on a swing set in the new light of the day.
I want to hold hands on the way home and then turn around and do it all over.
I want to take pictures and sing at the top of our lungs at stop lights despite the looks.
You want someone perfect.
You want someone without scars.
Without troubles
Without a hurt heart.
You want a love.... But i'm just not the one

" You're just like your mother" They spit the words upon my ego
God, why can't I let this go? The deepest thing I fear of becoming
is the thing who brought me into this world, i'm still just a little girl
in the heart of these lies, the things I keep hidden, I carry them inside
I'm still just a little girl, in the soul of this place hell bent on staying
written on the holes in my face. I'm just a little girl... if you look in my
eyes. I'm tired of hurting, tired of wanting and i'm ready for a surprise.