When I am old,
Give me white walls
And false family, dressed in green.
Bring me pills to slow my growth,
And suffocate my dreams.

Broken skin burned by bracken, toil.
An earth printed palm.
A shovel, older than memories,
The slight horizon calm.

Years of making others’ beds,
Time spent digging.
The wind and rain he must endure,
Whilst waiting for the living.

A cigarette drips,
Between fingers and lip.
As the dark of December,

Hangs.

I Am Eleven Different Shades Of Regret Tonight.

One For The Way I Left You. Hand Prints In The Quick Sand Of Our Last Memory.

Two For The Way I Was Too Afraid To Love You The Right Way, Blade In Left Hand, Afraid Of What I Was Capable Of Doing To Myself, And To You.

Three For The Heart Break You Wore On Your Sleeve, Unafraid To Tell Me How Deeply I Hurt You.

Four For The Emptiness I Left, The Broken Promises, Picking Up Your Prices, Scarlet White Lies, Written Up The Length Of My Skin.

Five For The Way I Waited For You To Tell Me You Needed Me. Over. And Over. And Over Again.

Six For All Phone Calls I Never Retuned, The Facebook Messages I Never Received, The Text Messages I Didn't Said Because It Was Easier For Me Not To.

Seven For The Self Hate

Eight For The Way We Turned Out, Afraid Of Our Own Shadows, Empty Handed And Worthless.

Nine For The Way I Missed You

Ten For The Empty Jaws We Held All Of Our Resentment Inside, Bared Tight Until They Bled.

Eleven Because I Never Said It.

I Am.
So.
Sorry.

As weather starts to turn
And softly falls the sky,
A winter spent indoors,
As days with you go by.
The lovers warm embrace
Sweet sighs to kiss again,
And snow that can't erase
What I've seen within.
A season passes on,
And the years are not that rough,
I've not the time in all my life
To love you near enough...

I swear the words took a million years to come out
And reach my ears,
And then a million more for my brain to unscramble them.

Years of
Utter emptiness
Searing pain
Agonizing heartbreak.

Years spent
Punching walls
Sobbing
Screaming.

Highs and lows trading places
Like they couldn't get enough of my
Self hatred
Self destruction
Self annihilation.

Years spent living on extremes,
Over confident, over achieving
Too tired, too alone
Unbelievably alive, unbelievably in love
So reckless, so dangerous.

All of it
Concluding
Culminating
Climaxing
In four words

"Manic.
Depressive.
Borderline.
Bipolar."