i'm sitting on a bed without sheets
in a half-tidy room
that i didn't finish cleaning
i'm wearing the strangest outfit
a combination of the last clean garments
from my floor
which seems to be playing a game of hide and seek
behind boxes, and clothes, and things i will probably never need
i'm not quite sure if i'm hungry or just tired
but something feels wrong
maybe its a leftover feeling from just having opened my report card
that i fished out of the piles of mail
because i knew i'd have to face it sooner or later
and right now i wish i had chosen later
or maybe its because i've never even kissed a boy
or that everything always feels messy
and unfinished
like this poe


-kk

have you noticed how i love small things
that is why i am a poet
i savor the details
they give me life and spark my feelings

i listen to tragic songs
not because i want to be sad
or disappear further in my shadow
but because they speak to me
bring clarity to the things i feel
and explain what i cannot say
out loud

.

there are two people in my psyche
a passionate girl
who loves to explore, create, discover
and wants to open herself up to others
and a paranoid, stubborn, confused child
who tugs at the girl's hair
and reminds her of what to fear.

lately i've been overwhelmed
bathing in the idea of potential
i exist in my head
and i live in my dreams.
i feel your smile on my neck
and your whisper makes me shiver
music that travels up my spine
and buzzes through my limbs
but it isn't real yet
your glow breaks through everything i see
and i'm floating on a crystal current
i want so much and i see it all
but i'm trapped
i'm unable to move
i'm forced to sit here and pretend
to hope
i can't wait
but i'm also afraid

I find myself feeling lost
in the same place as I've always been
but not knowing where I am.
I feel like I've just awoken today
from a deep slumber
that lasted several years
all of the people, places I've known
have completely changed
some are not here anymore.
All the things I thought I knew
are simply fabrications, memories
the person I once was seems like
she doesn't even exist.
I am angry, sad, depressed
filled with thoughts of confusion
the world is so much harsher
and more rotten than I ever understood.
I have memories of being a child
full of life, excited, curious
gravitating towards love
going after what I want
but slowly over time
the energy that I held
has been drained from my soul
a little drop everyday
the more I age,
the more things complicate,
the more it hurts
my past rosy life
is now blurred from view.

-kk

im moving soon
im going away
but no one answers the phone
or gives me the time of day
im sad and lonely
maybe no one knows what they have
until its gone
but i have a sinking feeling
they'll just forget and be done


with me.

I’m a fool
the way
I dreamt of us laying in bed
brushing my fingers down his arm
and him
cupping my chin
kissing me densely
a firm desire
I wouldn’t know it
so how did I dream it ?
I felt the sweet delight
of bodies meeting finally
and his breath so soft on my *******
I want it in my lungs...

When the yearning is heavy on your shoulders
you don’t have to think about where to go
When it happens I think I’ll know

Take my thoughts away...

it's silly how were all the same
fragile friends with fake-ids
our eyes welling beer tears
each day
a new breakdown
desperate to catch a breath of each moment
while the world shoves our futures
down our throats

i laughed when you looked at me
averting my eyes
i turn to laughter when i am shy
it is my shield
i have yet to find my sword
even in my dreams i do not have the courage
and even in my dreams
you are but a figure of beauty
out of my reach

i think i'm afraid
of how much you make me feel
and i'm worried i'm not enough
i lie awake in my sheets
imagining what it would take
to make you feel me

i'm unhealthy

everyday i make choices for myself with you in mind
everywhere i go i carry thoughts so heavy
every time i pass you i try my hardest to look ahead
i'm breaking apart
but it still feels like fireworks

i am surrounded by beauty
that should overwhelm my soul
by sleepy sunlight
and wispy air that carries dainty secrets
to the clouds
by a perfect children's book sky
and flowers in colors so fluid
i fear if touched
they would leave wet paint on my fingertips
the sounds of summer
are in reach of my breath
and yet
i am pale and cold
and i fear each coming day
like the plague.

(and the colors are slowly greying and hardening beneath my hands)

nothingness used to be my greatest fear
the fear of death
not an imaginable vacuum of darkness
but something without existence
something i cannot write about
but now i realize that the nothingness
is already here
i am nothing
humans have fabricated it all
and i am just a sequel
an invisible thread
pretending to have a purpose
i am alone

I plan out my words to him like a poem
hoping he'll notice they were plucked just for him
like my eyebrows
and ***** hair
please adore my presentation
and I'll lay silent and bare

hundreds of eyes in my mind
watch my every move
i guess they have mouths too
because they tell me i'm no good.

-kk

as we climbed into the canopies
bright green swallowed me
through sweet soil
and dew cloaked womb
eyes mist wet
I emerged
stinging new
fingers unfurling
grasping for a nurse log
touching
furrowed bark
and smooth baby caps
soaking shades
glistening with epiphyte moss
sipping centuries
to hold me
in this crisp breath

i stare at my window, not out
there is a difference
i am not seeing the world outside
there are are so many places i could be
but i am here, dreadfully
a prisoner to myself

when they write about ******* they don't write about mine
when I read the word "*******"
I see mystical plump teardrops
kisses from the gods
tiny pink *******
perfect for putting your mouth on
mine hang as I write
slouched braless over my keyboard
dark round
odd things
too big in all the wrong ways
but alas
they are still ******* after all

between lovers
a soft reminder
like a cypher
behind closed doors we become one
humans are poets by nature
a metaphor on our lips that lingers
we have nothing else to share
except our minds and our bodies
and to give both is our greatest offering

as I open my eyes my body hums
realizing where I am
rare autumn sun drizzles through the window
the warmth of you is sweet like maple syrup
and I marinate in the joy connecting our limbs

with you I feel safer than I've ever felt
where you end and I start
can't say
I savor these mornings like sunlight in November
as we melt together in bed

he doesn't text me
and I think
it's my arms
chicken cutlets
that need the fat trimmed off
maybe it's the way my belly rolls
when he's holding my legs up
even in his lust
he must see
my flaws
can he worship a woman
that's beautiful and round?
the figures on his screens
tall, tight, trimmed, and small
in the bedroom night
shadows purse together
like lips
mouthing no on his wall
but it's me
I'm the woman
bullying myself all along

I put my thoughts in his mind
and place my words in his mouth.

in my dream
you told me you love me
But the words came out
of another mouth
I haven’t seen your face
in two years
but in my mind’s eye it shone out
like a sand dollar brushed with sun
your eyes were always slips of blue water
not shallow
but a misperceived depth
I fell in long ago
Sipped as I swam
thought I found my way
but I’m back
at the edge
not willingly
but I’ll dip my toe in

i've lost my pen pal
she used to collect sand dollars
and write poems for me
stay up late
reading about sharks
making fairy houses
bubbling from music
she was melancholy but she knew herself
like the moon over the ocean

from my window the rain made me numb
but when I walked outside
the rain healed me
held me
pulled me out of my screen
I needed to feel it
the must and the rush
surrounding me
tapping
fresh cold in my nose
forcing presence
I'm smiling
the rain reminds me