A moment of silence

Can be the difference between a war and a calm.

It could be the gap between words

And all the meaning within them.

Just one moment of silence

Can provoke heartache or acceptance.

But after that moment

No others can replace it.

There are only moments of clutter

And mindless choices due uncatagorized actions.

A moment of silence

Comes before the the pull of a trigger

Or after the death of a friend.

It delays the inevitable of letting something go

Just a moment of silence.

Just one second with the absence of sound.

One last look at an alternate ending.

One final inhale of freezing resolve.

One last kiss imprinted in memory.

And a moment of silence keeps it there...

Untouched and unaltered

Free to hang in the air and fill our lungs

And spark nostalgic reminders at our expense.

And in all the moments that will follow

This will be the one that silence will conquer.

He stands above me
Much to far for me to compare.
I am beneath him in all ways
And he will not let me forget it.
On my back for him to conquer
And expose my weakness for him to devour.
I won't fight him out of love
But I **** my voice to compromise with his touch.
He will not know my mind tonight
Though the matter of this does not bring importance to his purpose.
He marks me and shifts me into someone else
Someone more in his image because he hates all others.
And I lay beneath him breathing
And my stomach twists with corrupt acceptance of my bitter love.
He soars above me in brilliance and perfected chaos that I cannot look away.
I am destructed in his wake
Let me be rubble...
Let me be his chaos.
And as he leaves me on the ground
Never to return to my sight,
I feel myself suspended in air
And above you, I fly.

Drown it down
Spell it out
Use my brain
For what you're thinking about
Crush the ash
Take a bash
Take a harder hit
To make it all last
Clench your fist
Grind your teeth
Feel the sweat
Pour out of me
Make the martyr
**** the king
Play whatever you want
Just let me ******* sing
Mark my words
Lay it in my skin
An angel outside of my eyes
But a demon within
Shoot the ****
Pull the trigger
Itch the spot
Till the wound grows bigger
Fester now
No use for a cure
I've suffered this disease
Long before dying on the floor
Whisper my name
Scream it in hate
Son of the father
The ***** was born to desecrate
Nail the tracks
Hammering falls
Spear through my side
But I can still crawl
Force my hand
Knuckles break
No more fingers of mine
I can use to take
****** drips
Drip past my eyes
It made the power
To see past all lies
Smile wide
Laugh if you can
It can only mean
You know not what I am
Trust me blindly
Leave me your mind
There's always something in there
That I will find
Just don't sentence me to life

I feel the urge to halt
To take no step further
I'm creating a breaking fault
Just to stay together
Forever young
In photographs
And in present
We remain as such
Our health we have
Or what is left
We have enough but not much
If I move I move with time
And time will slowly take away
All my precious memories
And evict my soul
My body to lay
No longer next to yours
Only photographs locked in a drawer
If I dare let the seconds pass
They part me away from you
And so I cling and clench and ask
To let me follow too
If I sleep and wake another day
I erode a little more
So I dare not sleep
I dare not creep
Or else my time in ensured
I would waste no more seconds
To the dreams of nocturnal bliss
Because reality tends to overflow
And it's your face I viciously miss
Yet I know it's false
In wishing a stalemate with time
And any second spent with you
Is never a waste of mine
And if this small amount is all that I get
I'll indulge it by your side

Slip and shatter
What's the matter?
I can tell what's up
By the space of your mental crater.
Use your words
Eloquent or blurred
Use them all
There's nothing I haven't heard.
Bad for me
Bad for you
Make a point
That isn't true
Is this the best you can put me through?
Pour it up
Hold your smoke
The 151 frightens you
The **** makes you choke
Piling up on those mental notes
They don't match the words that you just wrote
You can't control what you can't provoke
My safety is my own
And you seem like a harmless bloke
So please
Enlighten me
Make me notice
What I obviously don't see
Wether you love or destroy
Wether I'm on a pedestal or just a toy
Wether we're clear for annihilation
Wether we keep the peace
Wether we walk the straight line
Or just on the crease
None of the damage will ever cease
But you'll be lucky to see tears from me
Make me hurt
Make me bleed
Make me worry
******* make me see
If the problem of the matter
Is indeed me
It's all the same to me
I keep it simple
Keep it honest
Calm you the best way I can
And at that, I'm not always the best
I'll be the one your head lays to rest
You be the wave
I'll be the crest
Just don't feel that I'm unaware
That the danger will slowly progress
You're not my guinea pig
And you say I'm not a test
Theories will be proven, though
And some slightly laid to the side
Never really leaving
Always within the corner of our eyes
Love or friend
Killer or foe
Tell me what's on your mind
I'll promise to be the only one to know

Growing in a sense of faceless fears. I know I'm scared but I don't know of who or what. It's directed at images and sounds that flicker in the front screen of my brain.

"Did you call my name?"

My parents answer no. Must be hearing things again. Not to be worried about an overly active imagination of a child. Things are perceived as supernatural when it's just the wind, at that age anyways. My sisters seem to know but never confess. They hear and feel the same kind of distress that I do. Try to find an answer. I don't want to be alone.

Share a room
Sister cries
In her sleep
The room is ice
But there's summer heat
Right outside
Too afraid to pull open my eyes.
Maybe I'm just dreaming lies.

This house is out to get a thrill. Making noises and causing chills. Causing the animals outside to shrill in screams and wild panic. Don't get me started on the upstairs attic. Sounds like something is always making a racket.

Pillows at every corner of my face
Trying to hide
Under cotton and lace
Pretend that I'm soundly asleep
And then...I hear the whispering creep.

My mother's childhood was a tragic one. Mental instability within her family had run.
Her father a ******
And not the comical sort
Took her innocence
And she lost her family support.
She prayed that it would stop completely
Better be specific with the prayers Gods receiving
He made it stop
To say the least
Her father was caught under an assembly belt
And his body was creased.

There are different kinds of dead that still linger with life. The guardians, the demons and those who believe themselves to still be alive. And guess which category in which my mother's father qualifies? He haunted us and took delight. We had the face of our mother in our youth alike. I saw him multiple times at the foot of my bed at night. That's how I knew of my sudden gift...can't be that close to death and not expect to recognize it after seeing it.

He saw me look
He knew I saw
That's what targeted
My nightly trauma
I'd awaken with a gasp to find out next
His idea of fingers were wrapped around my neck
And with that touch I found in me
I could see his history.
Like a flip book of pages constantly moving.
He jumped off bridges
Did magic tricks with cards
Read the bible like a saint
Before taking in charge
Of my mothers virtue at large.
He was good with a joke
Looked like Fred Astaire
With his widened forehead
And his crisp red hair
I saw his death the quickest of all
It was apart of his life
But the part in which he was in denial.
Racing my heart and seeing his smile
Convinced me there's nothing wrong with staying up late for awhile.

I confessed to my parents of who I had seen. Unknowing at that time of whom I was describing. My mother looked sick and wide eyed with doubt. What the hell is coming out of her child's mouth? Who would have told me? How did I know? I must have been snooping and in fear threw her stones. Making me sleep all alone. No sisters to crawl in bed with when he came around.

"If you ever speak of this again,
You be sleeping in an asylum and not a bed."
So I silenced my voice and quietly went
Into my room but never slept.

Pull up
Parking lot
30 minutes early
Feels like a lot.
A/C doesn't work
Smoke up for nerves
Not the wacky tobaccy
That's just absurd.
Job interview
Clan of the waitressing brood
Make me one of you.
I know how to take orders
And bring out your food.
Take the phone out of my hands
Give my some daily plans
Make my unemployment take a stand.
Save my bank account from blanking
It's not much that I'm asking.
Use the waiting game to plan a conversation
Give me a purpose in this great nation
I have plenty of patience
Unruly folks and their aggrivation.
Waiting on fries and I can shake it.
I spend too much time being white bred.
Clearer head with smokey resolve
Grip my hand and don't do it gently now
Let's them know you mean business
Don't show desperation just to be a waitress.
Give a smile
A joke or two
Don't make me wait
To be one of you.

Ps- if you were curious enough to know
I got the job
And soon I'll have money to show

A forenight ago, I dreamnt of you.
I knew it was a dream because
You told me you loved me.
I smiled and paced my heart to calm
And I knew it was a dream because
I felt you hold me.
Every second of illusion I held onto so tightly.
I knew it was a dream because
I felt you want me.
I told you I love you and I kissed you so fiercely.
I knew it was a dream because
I thought you'd never leave me.
In sleeping haze and innocent wanting
We walked and laughed and talked and cried.
We named our children and counted the tears falling from our eyes.
We made peace with our faults and forgave each other each sin.
And in that peace we were willing to begin...
But...I knew it was a dream.
Reluctant and wretched and longing and cold
My eyes fall open to an empty pillow.
All other dreams were so fleeting and easy to forget,
Yet this dream was the one you made.
You crafted it with all my desires of you
And caressesd each fold of it into my sleep.
To seal it there you pressed it with a kiss
And left it there within a cerebral prison.
Teasing and prodding long after you left.
Yes, I know it's a dream because
You left.

Call me Eve
It seems fitting
The vessel of which original sin
Was sitting
Take a bite
Feel the idea of your choices
Chained to your brain
Unfeeling
I've marked you with me
The big guys is upset
I've made perfection
Seem like a fiery pit
As long as you don't choke on it
As your throat swells around
And I'm nowhere to be found
I'm on another mission
Feeding the fruit to others around
I guess it's what I'm made to be
Knowing the consequences
But keeping the sin for me
I'm sure you needn't care
You took the biggest bite
Then claimed you were unaware
Just as long as I'm there
Taking the blame
Absorbing the shame
Breaking the frame
Of my cynical brain
I'm the stereotype of why the atonement was made
I take it gladly
When all others are afraid
Come in close
And whisper my name
Forget your own
That's the fruit in play
The game of wills
Its my kind of game
No one lasts as long as I
I'll explain the rules
But never the prize
And see the strategy in my eyes
I'll make it known
My purpose comes with a warning label
You read and accept
Feeling strong and able
Sweep the conditions under the table
The taste is sweet
But the effects are fable
I warned you, Adam
And now it's my fault
The sin was ours
But I saw it first
And now I must sin
To quench my thirst

Journals strewn
Frantic writings
My thoughts are hewn
My mind is fighting
With memories and resolves
That I was describing
Younger versions of myself
Always complaining
Thinking that being bullet proof
Would keep them from shooting
If I could talk to her
The girl I was
Maybe shed some light and some tears
For her cause
Extract a little bit of blood
From those who manipulated her
From the bits of paper
Upon I once wrote
Words have always been a way
To communicate my joy and rage
Inside the diaries I would wage
Wars in my head
But the battles never escaped
They should have
Then now I would have a cleaner slate
To place newer memories of calmer days
Instead they live side by side
Thought I left behind my past
Instead it would just hide
Behind meshes of meat and coils in my mind
Bits of paper
Lonely words
Always written
Never heard
Trying my hardest
Not to sound absurd
In my attempts to be a normal girl
I guess old habits are the hardest to break
I continue writing of demons and angels
That never escape
Hold them back
Try to forsake
The others that live in my thoughts
Everyday
Only few outside of me
Can banish them away
Clear the settling dust of my fate
My bits of paper
My life in script
You can enter at your will
And live in safety of never being apart of it
I guess that's been my only wish
To live through words
To simply exist
Swinging my feelings from limb to limb
And always shifting regardless of whim
Rotting away underneath perfect skin
Dorian gray meets zombie land
Feasting and pleasuring on human sins
Knowing that's not who I really am
But on bits of paper
It contradicts
My good intentions
With my former riots
Never completely evil
Or wholly good
Knocked down off my feet
Where I firmly stood
Creeping with a soundless craze
They saw me smile and always misunderstood
Bits of paper
That's all I am
Past, present and future
That's all I have
Records of who I am
And who I'm not
I keep them all
In case they'll be forgotten
No treasure or wealth or object of praise
Will ever banish my words away

We were sitting in his car
Going everywhere and nowhere
Such were the destinations of our lives
No longer in our teens
But too reluctant to be adults
We clung to our childhood fling
But only for the sake of safety
And as we drove
We'd reminisce
Of the flames that burnt us good
The one we loved to be crippled by
The ones who stole our spark
The ones that changed the definition of love
Into a sarcastic and morbid thought
And one evening
No more interesting than any other
The memory of this destroying love
He got caught in the feeling again
And frustratedly began to yell
"Why did I allow it? I knew she was ******* insane! Why did I let it go on for so long? I wasted that time all just to hate her in the end. Why did I do it?"
To which I replied as I passed him the bowl
And exhaled some memories of my own
"You did it cause you loved her. There's no grander explanation as to why we died by these people just to wake back up but now as not ourselves."
"That's not a good enough excuse"
He coughed
"That's not a good enough reason to go through that ****"
And I laughed at the reasoning
"It never is...but here we are, talking about them as if they're still around. We give pieces of ourselves to these strangers. They fill up our time so we have no idea how fast it's passing. And when they walk away, they never intended on giving all of it back. They keep it as trophies and we have to start from scratch with being a person who is alone now. And loving them still is what makes that loneliness worse."  
Then in silence we drove
Going everywhere and nowhere

Look at me
I can dress so well
I can walk like ******
I can not notice it at all.
Listen to me
I made you laugh
Aren't I so funny?
Just my personality, I suppose.
Touch my skin
Ain't it grand?
I work out 3 hours a day
And still think I'm plain.
Give your opinion
Of how you feel about my existence.
Oh gosh, you're too kind.
Of course I'm not THAT shy.
Lean in to kiss
Watch me pretend not to notice.
Don't you love that you want me?
Can I borrow a buck?
Of course I'll pay it back!
With a face like this
I hardly have any spare change.
Only the newest trends will do for me
I want the brands to never age
Like me.
Say I look 20 not 33.
I have the options to make men into brothers, lovers or friends
But for some reason I'm still constantly searching.
Why are those girls looking at me so jealously?
Their lack of confidence ain't bothering me.
Bitter little girls writing about me in their sad bits of poetry.
I don't ask for attention
It just follows me.
It's not like anything bad
Is catching up to me.
I have him by my side
But he catches my eyes wandering.
3 minutes in the joint and 6 has already been caught checking me.
Oh my god! This song reminds me of
ME!
Let me dance to it while I pretend to be offended by someone grinding up on me.
Don't hate me cause I'm doing me.
Wait.
Why aren't you looking?

It's funny how the numer five
Is almost spelled like the word fight.
You can only guess, that's right
This quiet boy learned all about spite.
As soon as the ring was slipped on
So were the gloves
If you're not fighting
It's not love.
Give me some grief to work us through
I never expected some of the words that came out of you.
Remember the things I told you that you accepted so completely?
Turns out he used them as ammo when I started disagreeing.
I'm always wrong with the words I was speaking.
It's ok
I'll take the blame
After all you're to be my husband someday.
Let's get it all out in the open
You're the bread winner
And I'm just a rebellious woman.
Kiss my cheek and smell it enough
I've been smoking again and again I broke your trust.
Paying for the wedding out of my own pocket
While I pick and choose
You said, "whatever I wanted"
I wanted a civil union
Quick and easy...no family reunion.
Use the rest of my savings for the honeymooning.
Honeymoon phase was all but gone
When I agreed to put that plastic ring on.
You wanted a wedding with the church and the priest
And to witness your mom weep
At seeing her son be passed on to a child as young me.
Barely out of my teens
20 years old isn't a wife to keep.
She told you I was too young to stay
You heard her words and proposed anyways.
Making it known that my habits were causing our soon to be tied knot to fray.
Even though I made it known about who I was on the very first day.
And as a martyr you'd reply
You still saw your future wife
Inside my eyes
Well, ****!
Pull her out and let me see
That girl your speaking of is someone I'd like to meet.
Trying to keep my demon at bay
I gritted my teeth and smiled away.
I figured it'll all be okay
Once I stood at the alter and I do'd my devil away.
In the midst of the wedding planning
I went out some nights to see friends
And driving
Down memory lane.
It felt all but natural to me
The be around the ones who grew up with me.
My musician love, my blast from the past
Kissed me when we visited the past
I let him touch my lips but never kissed back.
The songs we wrote are no longer mine
And to him I sobbed a tearful goodbye.
There was a new love in my life
And when I told you
The truth didn't set me free
It was another bullet I handed to you
So you could get a good shot in at me.
Blind folded and against the wall
Take your shot
I can take it all
I'm a babe, what do I know
I'm just a ******* 20 year old.
Day before our marital bliss
Another came to give me good wishes.
One last joint was his version of giving me away
But then tried to convince me to run away
With him
Still cloudy I rejected
My will was now infected
With pleasing you and your good intentions.
And now at the alter and very high
I told my old self to say goodbye.
No one wanted that part of me anyways
I banished her to hell
And in hell she must stay.
A kiss
A smile
My wedding haze.
Too bad my soberness was miles away.
It snowed that day
Like an omen after part 5
We practically fought everyday.

Smoking kills
But it looks so cool.
Fashion means letting
The tar to pool.
Drinking makes the mind go numb
So who cares if my words
Are slurred and dumb.
Come on
Just a little fun.
Getting high
Make me fly.
Just hit me once and say goodbye.
I can stop whenever I choose.
So give me a lighter and let me lose.
Start off slow
Feel my body rise.
Addictions hold no real surprise.
They think it's hott
When a girl can fry
To a needle or snort or puffing prize.
You don't want to know my mind.
The wonderland
The ****** skies.
The memory of bloodshot eyes.
Just let me out of my skin tonight.
The scars you see are accidental.
Accidentally feeling with sharpened metal.
Drag it down so I don't get mental.
You don't want me sentimental.
I can fight for no good reason.
The blood tends to boil
With the humidity of the season.
Hit me back and get in personal.
I can take the skin covered bone
I'm versatile.
I ran with the gun wielding people.
Earn some respect and still get riddled.
They love a chick with hard forged metal.
As long as I'm not hurting you
I get away with ****** and die a couple times too.
I can stop whenever I choose
So light me up those cancerous fumes
And let me choose.
Come on
Just a little fun
It's not hurting you...

Forlorn
Heart strewn about the floor
Muscles aching
Waiting at the door
Hoping she could snap and see
Who has the door open for her and waiting.
Be the Titan
The pillar of strength
Knuckles white
The grit on your face
Clenching teeth
One more day
See if you can banish her dismal thoughts away.
Thinking of the right things to say
As I read them clearly everyday.
I know it's futile to fix her mood
But while you play superman
Who's fixing you?
Just because you're strong enough to
You don't have the suffer the lashes she lashes at you.
Not my business
Not my line
I know you'll portray someone who's fine.
Keep it in and smile in front of the lie.
I know better
Cause I'm that girl who's had suitors try to fix her in time.
Nothing to be said
To mend the tracks
To feel the comfort
To make me relax.
And as much as I waited for a salty and blood covered prince
These were all of my problems to fix.
A whirlwind of emotions
Then a blank canvas.
Not that I'm trying to discourage you
Fight the impossible
I've been there too.
I'm hardly looking after you
Behind a screen and looking through
You're not so invisible
That I can't notice you.
Even in the smallest amount
You're not alone in what your talking about.
Just work it all out
In the best way you can.
Broken hearts
Are the hardest thing to mend.
Dearest Frank
Know you have a friend.

Words fail me to write in rhyme
And now I must sleep
I can't afford the time
For I must work that daily grind
In a workforce so unrefined
Tweaking cooks
And moody staff
All on something else
Just to get past
Drink and pills and greens afloat
Sober minds
Make nasty blokes
I work for tips
Or I work for free
It's up to the customer
To show generosity
Fake a smile
Show off some quick wit
Get stiffed again
These ******* ******
And soon a double shift awaits
And then again I'll stifle my hate
There are those who get me through
The days
And at times bring in love
Always coming my way
Making me laugh the shift into play
Maybe it'll be a better day
And I wish that I would sleep
But words are stuck
And they want me to speak
To write about nonsense
About my life
About my work
About my strife
And high as ****
But I don't seem to mind
I guess I found a little time
To be me within a rhyme
Guess that's cool
To suddenly see
My random spark
Of creativity
It maybe a waste of time to read
I'll take no offense
Because there is no need
It's my way of ******* around
Poetically


Thank you and goodnight

That strangeness
The odd space that you fill
Waking and sleeping and simply existing
Within my tiny realm
Careless kisses
Unnumbered and uncounted
By the moments when we just couldn't help it
I'm all but aware of the silence
Even when in crowded spaces
Seeing your face
And it's warmth I'd embrace
To allow me to feel okay
Trying hard not to get used to it everyday
But that's the joke that's been played
On me
Waiting and bracing myself
Till the next time you come to spin my world
Break me from routine
Chase me to the side of the bed
Wake in reluctance next to me
Wake me with your lips instead
Appear in every walk of the day
Plucking strings
Hearing your voice sing
Figuring out our lives to be
Knowing you'll be home waiting for me
You've broken through the cracks
Living inside
Breathing the air I breathe
Pumping the blood through me
Keeping my eyes open
And excited to see
The life I want so badly
Ahead of me
My pillar
My rock
The current reason why I get up
Instead of spiral and sloth about
My focal point
I keep my eyes on you
You're worth all the ****
I've ever gone through
If it means being loved by you
How I miss you

So you're that voice
That tempts me to look over
The flawless space between me and the ground
In very high places.
You're the twitch of my hand
On the steering wheel
That's whispers for me to drive over.
You're the calming acceptance
That it all could be over
For the tangible reasons
I have yet to discover.
You're the knife in in my hand
And the few seconds of consideration
When my friend's back is turned to me
And I hover.
If I answered the call
Who would I be?
Dare I turn into someone else
Someone much like me?
The lapse of thought
Described as inhuman
I couldn't possibly be
The only one who hears the calling.

Complicate
Penetrate
All my walls
Just let them break.
Love me more than I can take
It's no longer something I debate.
Feel you stare
Fingers through my hair
Let you hold me
Let me care.
Feeling more than I thought was there.
How was it possible that you've been here
All along without me unaware?
Heartache was love for me for longer than I can remember.
I was used to it's customs
I greeted it while holding anger.
Do you see
What you've done to me?
You've ruined me
You made me dream.
Reminded me of the things I love
Let them surface
Accepted them all.
Even all the nasty flaws.
I tried to hide them
Tried to fix them before you saw.
How did you do it?
After all the others who'd been through it?
Suffered the tears and the angry words.
My self loathing and my distant stares
Talking me through when I'm not there.
What can I give you?
What do I have?
To make you so sure that you want this so bad?
The things so pure that you see
Are the things you've unknowingly added into me.
Replacing my apathy, so lovingly,
With more than what I thought I could be.
How could I repay such generosity?
Never changing
Never fixing
Never doubting
That I ever had to act differently
Into someone who fits your ideal imagery.
Never wanting saving
But reluctantly and stubbornly
Somehow I gave you permission to rescue me.
What the ****, baby?
Look at the state of me
I was so used to being dead
Living was just breathing
And it was so easy.
Being stone cold was simple
Compared to feeling.
You saw my tears
My rapid breathing
Waking nightmares
Drunken confessing
Self mutilating
Suicidal repressing
My lack of certain emotions
That I can't bring myself to feeling.
And there you are quietly accepting
Listening and not defeating
The words I say with comforting words
That are often misleading.
Never thought I'd be the one pleading
For someone to never leave me.
Your precious love is more than sweetness.
It's more than blind forgiveness.
It's more than the pretty words and actions you make
It's the things you've seen in me
And still you wait.
Loving the unlovable person
That I had to create.
You molded me into someone with breath.
Breathing life into me with every caress.
Keeping my thoughts in our universe
Whenever they wander, you wander with them too.
Never leaving me alone with them even if they have nothing to do with you.
Fearing nothing and everything at once
Giving me what I've always wanted
A chance
To be who I should have been
Before I became this.
I love you more each time I glance
At your face smiling back.

In the secrets that I keep
The yearly process where I hide and sneak
To keep it from some prying eyes
They're just mysteries...never lies.
The person that I am today
Was not the one before I strayed.
It made me feel like a secret spy
Telling you nothing and everything
As I wink my eye.
"Wink,wink"
You suspect a different concept as I blink.
I'm not as forth right as you think
I give you a moment for your doubts to sink.
Wait, she smiles
She couldn't possibly be an imbecile
The moment when I clench my teeth
You're mind goes back to that safety brink.
Not saying that I pride myself in the skeletons I keep
However they are mine and I know they reek.
They decay and portray a sudden death
Though they've been decomposing long since their last breath.
I got away with it
I pulled it off
Your assumptions covered
By my denying scoff.
Knowing if you cared enough to see
Look real close, my secrets pour out of me.
But you excuse this ability
By how you'd much rather think of me.
Allow the deception
Allow the blanks and time
Your weren't there
To witness the crime.
Plausible deniability
Ain't it great when you flee the scene?
As long as you weren't in my company
You can act just as clueless as me.
And in acceptance I agree
To keep your secrets safe with me.
"Wink,wink"
"Nudge, nudge"
Now we're in it together
Wondering who will be the first to budge.
Be right back
Don't answer the phone
What took you so long?
You don't want to know.
Ok "shrug"
That's fine with me.
But we both know we're up to something
Secretly.

My former life is halting
My predators continue stalking
Be the prey
Or be the killer prompting?
I'd let you in but I'm too busy striking.
Relate
Empathizing
Listen
Criticizing
Scar for scar
Show me your shards and try to piece them with mine.
I'll pay the toll
Yours is cheaper
And worth my worthless time.
I'm made for the aimless drive.
My purpose of living is to live a lie.
Padded locks and dead bolt strains
Are the only protection of my rampant brain.
Take the pulse
Heartbeat false
I could be an enemy so keep me close.
Be wary what you say
I'll let you think you what you wish
Remaining a stranger
With an unexplainable imprint.
Try to disappoint me
Try to pick apart my flaws
Try to find the weak spot
I know mine better than all.
I've been on lockdown for years
The trick is to expose
Get used to the hated traits
And then let them all go.
I'm not a sage
I cannot fix your brain
I cannot feel the pressure
Of resurrecting your frame.
I'm selfish at most
Keep people around to hide within their cloaks.
I'm the breath when others choke
I'm accustomed to the toxic fumes
Like The Hills have Eyes,
I'm addicted to the abuse.
Mark my words
Or let them air.
I'll give you comfort
While you're entangled in your snare.
Be my savior?
Take on my past?
I've taken my bruises
And like people,
They never last.
So use your master key
The latches will open easily
My secrets are crosses
That I don't carry with ecstasy.
My attachment to them
Are much like your attachment to me.
Acknowledge the weight
But pretend to lift them effortlessly.
It's not a warning
Or a method to scare away
Just take it as a note
That what's locked is so for a reason.

Alice in chains
Rattling themselves in my brain
Nutshell's melody makes a play
One lyric is ingrained
"And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead"
Truer words were never said.
There's no one else I could try to be
Better than the woman that is me.
I may have all these lofty dreams
Wishing to break outside of me
But also I'm bound by Alice's chains
That remind me that I'm not meant to change.
Into you or by someone else's guidelines
They worked their own time
Just to find
The person who fits that rhyme.
I simply must comply
That I'm no better or worse than my crimes.
They made me who I am today
Alone or surrounded by others sway.
Inspired to act out in infamy
Or be an angel blessed with her wings.
Talking love or shouting hate
Staying pure or *******
Throw the punch or keep fists still
It's all depending on my will.
The devil made me do it
I think the quote is full of ****.
If he makes my pulse erupt
And then my voice drink that bitter cup
I might as well not choose at all
Since he's responsible for my personal flaws.
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead.
Truer words were never said.

You're alright
No I'm not
Keep it together
I'll fall apart
Don't keep it inside
I can't let it out
Talk through the panic
Forget what I'm talking about
Look for more answers
More questions appear
My presence is annoying
I don't speak out of fear
Be honest with me
Unless it's something you don't like
Tell you my problems
End up getting into a fight
I can relate to you
Then why don't you understand
I have nowhere else to turn
Except to the shaking in my hands
Do I look ok
Am I going to die
I'll make sure I'm quiet
Next time I begin to cry
I'll be there for you
Except for when you can't
Convince myself it's nothing
But I don't stand a chance
Write it all in book
But how can my words help me
Because when I try to say it aloud
It's only making you angry
Say that I'm just a guilt trip
I'll take that in my head
When you ask if I'm ok
I'll smile and lie instead
I guess that's breaking the trust
But I saw that coming already
I'll listen to your side
And try to keep my side steady
I wish I was more independent
But when everyone is dependent on me
I tend to forget how to fix it
And let my inner demons feed
How should I make it better
What can I do for you
Tell about your problems
Anything I can do
I don't want to bother you
Especially when you don't want to be
I'll figure myself out alone
And just pretend there's nothing wrong with me

Frantic eyes
Rapid breath
Shaking hands
Pursed lips
Rethink a thought
That isn't there
Hearing whispers
Through the air
Biting tongues
Bleeding taste
Don't let it show
On my face
Force a smile
Kick back a snarl
Find the courage
To fake it a little while
Hearing words
Concentrate
The sound of it is muffled
And untraceable
I can't make out the meaning of them
But try to acknowledge
With genuine interest
Keep them thinking
I'm listening
To them
Instead  of the ones screaming
Gnawing and raking my mind
Into a fine powered substance
Trapped and aching for escape
Lashing out on my own time
But on the clock
I hover from the tip of my spine
Hunched and ripped
To stay in line
I'm not crazy
I'm self aware with insanity
Cradle a moment of reason
To last me the rest of the day
Fighting a losing battle in every way
But as long as I'm fighting
And gripping a hold
I might have a chance
To vanish as a whole
Instead of living fragmented
And dispersed with different ideals
Of who a normal person should be
And I fade with some clarity
That I was meant to be in this place

It's as easy as breathing in
Hold it
That's good
Now exhale and wait
You can almost forget that memory
In a matter of seconds
And if not forget
You can manage to not care
At least for a little while
Let the smoke fill your head
And let it to be louder than your fear
I'll even endure a coughing fit
To expel the words I don't want to say
They ask if the escape is worth the problems you always return to
Every ******* time, yes
Of course they'll be there
Where would they go?
Even when I improve
My problems only grow
And if I *** in a cup
For whatever reason
And displease your delicate opinion
I'll indulge in your honor
God knows you might need this more than I do
Now zone out a little
Stare into nothing
The good kind of nothing
Not the other kind that you find in people's eyes
Like in times they want something from you and they know they're gunna get it
Or moments you ask them for something and they never reply
Or when they apologize over something they were never apart of
Because the tragedy isn't about you.....
It's about how they can fit themselves inside of it
Take another hit
Float on this one a while
Let the tense of your muscles ease
As if I spend the day trying to stay inside my skin
Like it's become too small and uncomfortable
Now I can expand and I breath without my ribs caging me in
Red eyed suicide
Artificial tears will make them clear
Better than vice versa
When the real kind of tears make it look more suicidal
An oxymoron in this case
Giggle at a pun
If you have a buddy then do a shot gun
Don't remember to forget
And keep on forgetting
It's as easy as breathing in

Sabotaging double dates
My sister and boyfriend had to sedate
My annoyed attempts to avoid
Him in that theatre as he employed
To the position of pining boy.
Hold my hand?
Not a chance
I had others around for my romance
Others I could pick and choose
In this game of catch and lose.
I had no need of his bleeding heart
Don't  look at me in the dark.
The cinema isn't my idea to spark
Such feelings of affection to impart.
Drive back home, crowded car
You sat too close and I wished for the door to ajar
Tuck and roll
Anything to leave this troll.
Dropped them off to their abode
He wanted a hug and I said no.
High five my hand or nothing at all
I could see his expectations fall
I didn't even care at all.
After that it always seemed
He showed up everywhere that was close to me.
Church, my work and other things
Couldn't make this boy detach from me.
Followed me around like a lost puppy.
I thought I was the chick and I was supposed to be needy.
On the side I would thrive
Inside my own destructive life
Always a knife on my person
Taking cash, smoke up and blur my vision.
Giving no one my permission
They're all just *****
Following my intuition
3 missed calls from his good mission
To slay those dragons
To save me from my prison.
I didn't want to be saved
I was that dragon he searched to slay.
Stop calling me everyday
I have drugs to sell
And habits to pay.
Wake up and read his texts with rage
You don't exist for me today.
You don't understand I'm trying to spare you
Of all the things my hands could do to you.
Nice guy like you
Shouldn't be with me alone
I could **** you.
In more ways than one
I might not win battles
But wars, I've won some.
Play of wills
You won't hit back
Think you can change me?
Well take a crack.
Warning you that I cheat and steal
I'll make you love me for the thrill.
You can't make me feel against my will.
Check your wallet
I stole your till.
Part two of what you see
Is how my husband
Coveted me.

Sacred vows
Now cheap obligation
Promises and ringed forgiveness
Say it back with some conviction
Speak up, girl
Use your diction
The priest is waiting for your decision
Staring at the man parallel
To spend a life with through insanity and hell
Now you see his intentions are well
Fight the urge for flight
But finding courage from the hits taken last night
Foggy trails of wedded delight
Masking the fumes of foreboding night
Snowstorm omens await your matrimony
Making it known that it's not just for now it will be stormy
Crack the glass
Tip the bottle
Dance our dance
Two steps back
We had the strength to move further from that
We dance right through our holy pact
Now that all our time has lapsed
The last grain of truth fell through the hourglass
Cleaning up and looking back
Memoirs of our wedding trash
Throw it out
It was a memory passed
One day that we forgave the past
Kissed so true
Hands tightly clasped
Man and wife
Became monster and *****
Too proud to say we would ever take it back
Too hateful to assure it was worth the blast
Too kind to pull the trigger too fast
Shotgun wedding without the ***** filled sack
Praying for it to never come to that
Make an honest woman of me at last
At least we don't have to disappoint
Everyone assumed where this was going
Trace our steps back to the alter
Take back our words
Reverse the legality on paper
Pull off rings and our fake tremors
Replace it with who we really were to begin with
Shape and create a ending with splendor
Finish the way we started
I'm game for either
Get a reaction
No such luck
I went crazy on your behalf before
This final indenture
I don't owe you a pound of flesh
You had my mind
When I thought I had lost it
Keeping it locked and hidden in a box marked lovers
And now you show it back all tattered
The wrinkles once healthy
Now sag with bitter remebrance
And grey with genuine attempts and constant failures
You saw potential
You declared a ways back
A molding I tried to pour myself in
But instead it cracked
All you see now is what I lack
No purpose
No sense
No redeeming countenance
Just a used up waste of penitence
Apologies and sincere regret
What the **** would you do with that?
Each promise broken
Moved up two steps back
Go figure we moved behind
Instead of progressing forward on this track
It's not a race
And in our disgrace
We both lost ourselves
Before we stepped on the starting place

I face the self I cannot see
The one I secretly want to be
The one that scratches, itches and screams
Who's longing to be me

I face tomorrow cause it came today
And I wasted it all wishing for yesterday
Not a choice was made nor a helpful change
I'll do it tomorrow anyways

I face the question that no one asked
Who is the one behind the mask
They peak behind and accept at first
But neither them or I can ever last

I face the reason, the excuse, the game
Of being delightful while going insane
Would it be better to blend in with the same shade
Or to streak the whole picture with the stain of my name

I face the reality and truth of my life
No good as a girl, a woman or wife
Yet a sinful saint I've strived to be
Burning for the reasons I believed to be right

I face my addictions to being addicted
I face the struggle of being self inflicted
I face the honesty of all of my lies
I face yet allow all conflicting contradictions

I face the obvious yet cannot see
What I even want for me
If not to suffer or have delight motivate
Then I know myself only to never be

Who am I now to be?
I can't form a coherent thought.
From this life, from what I can see,
I never done that a lot
I pick and choose
Who and what I believe I can't lose
And let them infect me..
As a vessel for their use
I bide my time
Commit some crimes
Confess it all within a rhyme
And act as if I've been more than fine.
I hear them all, my guiding reasons
To why I'm still alive
My friendship, loyal to a fault
My honor, well intact
My humor, it always wins them all
My love, is a bit more complicated than that
I hurt them
Well, I make an impression, it seems
It's the kind that makes you question love
And the dark corners in between
Those feel they can't live without me
When I've seen others do just that
My self worth is waning
And I see
No amount of humor can bring it back
I guess I must face what I obviously lack
I'll live your dreams
But only on my reality's track
Where's the focus?
Where's that push?
Where's the certainty?
Where's the truth?
The drunken line won't get me much
I feel your pains before I feel your touch
And all those lost, far and wide
Always fall clumsily within my stride
And making me question why I'm alive
If not for them then nothing
Or so I'm told
Their love is much stronger
Their love is much more bold
I've heard it all
And now I've become a bit more older
Is your heart beating faster?
Am I the breath you take?
Am I the one to solve it all?
Did you come to me to break?
Give me and answer
For devil's sakes.
I must know who I become
Each day I wake
And god forbid if I forsake
Anyone's pleas
And their burdens I'll take
No thought to my own
Those thoughts are kept
To desecrate
So spare me the time
Mine is all but spent
I stand at attention
But I can never keep track
To where my mind went
Say I don't care
Say my loyalties lie elsewhere
Say that those who I love and cherish
Will leave my chest cavity bare
And I love you as much as I can
I swear
Still, know that I love
With a seething glare
I'm all but aware
That my shattered self
Isn't always there
My heart's in the right place
However
My recollection is bare
Make me feel what you want me to
In times of war
I know how to get through
Wether it's my time or love or body or more
I'd lose myself
Just to find all of you

Look
I know what your thinking
If you're living at all
It's better than being in a hole stinking
But that's not so
And I would know
Breathing in air
And being alive
Have very different meanings
For how you survive
Make some mistakes
Get a view on others
Disagree a lot
But be kind to each other
Look in the eyes
Don't try to prove a point
Travel a **** ton
Occasionally smoke a joint
Get drunk with friends
Get a broken heart
Feel a lot of sorrow
Like you're falling apart
Live through a couple crisis
And find good people a long the way
Stand up for yourself
Get the opinions of others
But don't give a **** about what they say
Do something different
Break from routine
Act like an idiot in public
Don't forget to sing
Go crazy for another person
Have some go insane for you
Learn to let go of yourself sometimes
But eventually come back and get through
Be as healthy as you can
Be smart if you want
Turn up the music in your car
Admit if you are wrong
Go to the funerals
Of all the people you love
Question god a little bit
Scream at the guy above
Believe in something bigger
Even if it's not there
Be you're own diety
Be the devil for all I care
Just don't live day to day
Like it's meant to be the same
Stop pretending there's an order
Like life is on a quiet train
A long distance to go
But at an alarming speed
We can sit until we get off
But why would there be a need?
Release the boxcars
Blow up the tracks
Jump off at the bridge
And take your life back

Out of space
Once again
Finding love in friends
Complicate
Desecrate
What could be right
I know I'll lose
But hell
I'm up for a fight.
Open up
Light it twice
Don't you dare ask for advice
I've been so quiet
For so long
I don't want to hear the voice
That I've become
Tears now shed
A vacant stare
I hide far from
Feeling my share
Apart of you
Is a part of me
Forever bound
And forever free

So you want to **** me?
Does my consent only require me to be paralyzed?
So high off the ground and out of my mind
I'm sure I'm asking for it anyways.
So you think I'm helpless?
As an eleven year old it's easy to dismiss.
The struggle only make your muscles tense
And tightens the thirst that I do not want to quench.
So you want my virginity?
Well Sir, get in line.
What you think is there is already lost
And my innocence is on a replaying loop.
It stops when you take it from me.
Starts again when you're done.
So you're too inebriated and stumbling
To be accountable for what you want?
You're shocked when I assume the position
And simply give up a ****.
You think it keeps me up at night?
You think I waste a thought on who goes in and out?
You think I waver at every touch
Assuming it's the first I've felt?
You want it to be special?
You want it to be pure?
You want me to feel some pleasure
Aligned with ******* for your thrill?
You want me to be dizzy?
You want me to be lost?
I've made my bed and you've thrown me down
Upon the screeching springs.
In theory I play the *****
The freak in the sheets that everyone adores.
You take me once and then you want more.
Well have it all for all I care.
Between my legs or in the air.
Against the wall or in a chair.
Boy, I'd ******* anywhere.
As long as there's a focal point
To direct my glass like stare.
I'll take your mind to a thrilling place
But don't expect me to be there.
I'm the one girls whisper about.
The glory **** in which they clench their teeth.
The ***** with absolutely no back door shyness,
The girl that your man wanks off to before he sleeps.
Most would take pride in this.
Most would wear it with a grin.
Most wouldn't even give a ****
Just before they're about to give in.
As for me, I simply tolerate.
Everyone is a predator.
Their intentions can always wait,
Till they pounce and tear and fornicate.
Not all of them walk away.
Not all of them always stay.
Not a simple word to say
After they've achieved their fantasy lay.
So come at me with what you think I crave.
Force me down and spread my legs.
The little girl in my head is away
As I assume she won't ever return this way.
So you want to **** me?
Well, tell me something new.
It's not something to be taken as offense
But I've ****** myself over enough
To enjoy that ******* truth.

Lift those lids
Evict those dreams
Sit up straight
Don't let the pillows do the talking
Drink the crack
You need the snap
Of energy to keep you from the collapse
Are your clothes clean?
Are the monsters fed?
Oh how I'm pining for my bed
Clear the fog out of my head
Meet the sun with a smile not dread
7am is a ****** time
To turn my mumbles into rhyme
Time to hit the daily grind
My body says sleep
The sun is screaming in it's shine.
Early to bed
Early to rise
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
Maybe I just stole that line
To get myself back up this time.

Not a cry for help
Because simply asking never works
I coarse against the grain of my emotions
I ****** the idea of being better
However
Like most love affairs
I become petty with redemption
And trite with my promises
It's hard to keep them
When I never meant them
I may have marked you and others as mine
But that's all
A mark is not a leash
And I've allowed you all to walk away
With a smile and a wave
But a little piece of your mind
Still whispers my name
You see
I'm riddled with remorse
So humbled by experience
That the habits of mistakes
Engrained into my person
Is simply a game
Of who can fix me
Who can reach me
Who can get into my pants
Who can make me want them
I've become quite vain with these notions
That I have to be wary of my reflection
And my facade of a good name
I'm a lady after all
Choosing no one and nothing
Clutching a semblance of my own worth
While trying not to offend yours
Girls will be girls
Like a homosexual
I was born this way
If I had the choice within my control
I would not choose reality
Making myself a fantasy
Is cruel enough
But they'd rather live a lie
Than see the disgust in my eyes
We could push our tongues together
As if they were in a fight
But the friction of flesh
Doesn't always a spark ignite
So I'm not pleading for empathy
For I hardly feel for you
I feel the same
Just without refrain
And when you're gone
I'll wave and smile to you

I pride myself in the aesthetics
Of my face to my shape
I mask it with humility
So I can grab a bit of your grace.
Vengeful to a fault
I've had my share of someone else's blood on my hands
I smirked as I extract it wrathfully
And destroyed them where they stand.
Immovable without motivation
You can't make me care
Sloths are my favorite breed
To mimic and imitate in their creed.
Say the right kind of words
And my resolve turns into a caress
Make me drip and remove my clothes
Feel your ****** and ignite my lust
Make me care less.
Press the pastry to my lips
One is never enough
Cram that baked good down my throat
What does it matter it it goes to my hips.
Gluttony has it's benefits.
I cast the green eyed glance
Of who has what I lack
**** your money and your rack
My envy is well intact.
Unless you leave it unattended
No witnesses to reprimand me
Let my fingers flee the scene
As your personal belongings now belong to me
It's easy to default to greed
Whenever I'm stealing.
Who wants to be a saint anyways
I have mirrors to crack
With my prideful rage
I have things to put off that I've planned for days
I have **** to eat when you offer to pay.
Even if you looked at me
You'd think my sins are my redeeming quality
Getting away with self involving
My hands around your cheap jewelry.
It wasn't me to which these crimes are pinned.
It was those blasted seven deadly sins.
I'm innocent and at no fault
I'm only guilty when I get caught.

Clouded and hazed
Red eyes and blazed
Burning the tips of my mental fray
I guess I lived another day
Inhale and choke
Giggle mid ****
I held it in before you spoke
Burning throats
Hooded coats
Hide from them
Without invisibility cloaks
Party tricks
Match and mix
Help me scratch my musical itch
Zone out far
Pick out stars
Who cares about the smell in your car?
Share a cig
Have a mental dig
Excavate the thoughts I've hid
I'll be honest if that's what you bid
But wouldn't you rather take another hit?
Shotgun cough
We're both lost
Is it true or is it false?
That's not the bridge that we need now cross
Different views
***** shoes
I stare at them instead of you
Avoid all the questions too
I have no answers and have no idea what to do
Just light up again
Keep light, my friend
Breathe in once more and it'll never end
I'll smile and laugh
Cough up some hash
Get out of the car and rid the evidence in the trash
Sharing with you our personal stash
And making the smile we need last

You said the blue eyes were for liars
And green of those with no soul
I happened to be a brown eyed girl
With little to no self control

You said words were the pathway
To the strings that tie your heart
Giving me the slack willingly
And I tug them slowly to break it apart

You said we would be trouble
Of that, I already knew
Yet seeing as how I stand here now
It seems the trouble wasn't you

You said your forevers
You planned without goodbyes
You cling upon my person
And now I retreat my eyes

You said we'd die together
Well, we all die, I suppose
I felt the time in me slipping
And felt the illness grow

You said it all so lovely
You said it all so true
And here I'm left with clarity
Of the things I'll never say to you

So never make a promise
And I won't make one in return
Because promises will be broken
And bring a lesson never learned

I'll say that I love you
And quietly walk away
But love doesn't mean forever
And words, once spoken, won't make a habit to stay

Present past and future
You'll never see it pass
And mark my words, though I have none
It's always over too fast

In my life
I horde one thing
I keep them tucked and hidden
They aren't much to see
But they mean the world to me
A certain collection
I've stolen from yourself and I
Just little trinkets
To get myself by
I have a collection of flaws
Of every shape and size
From bad manners to mental tremors
From unseen stumbles
And prideful banters
From rude personalities
Thinking they won't be caught
I've caught them all
And I keep them locked
Not for blackmail
Or notes of who not to encounter
I use them for insulin
To inject into my matter
Imperfections and chips
Creator mistakes
And discarded finds
Makes them all different
Within my eyes
Adopting a cluster
Of **** ups
No matter the deed
I'll filter your qualities
And keep the bad ones for me
The beauty of them
Wings pinned behind glass
I see what you miss
You can see them too
You need only ask
Brazen sculptures of bronze
Of rust and grit
Are the same imperfections
Within me that fit
Unaccounted pieces
Not part of the same mold
I piece together
And make it a whole
Handicapped
Thin or fat
Rumors and lies
I hold them compact
With my fingertips
Filling the cracks
Give me your loose ends
I'll make up for that
My gallerey of trash
A mountain I stash
I admire it often
When others throw it back
The insecurities
That no one loves about you
I adore them all
Someone has to
They take up my life
They get in the way
Not once will I discard them
They're with me to stay
Most have come to see my display
The sight of my obsession
Frightened them away
And I collected their fear
Their uneducated weird
And kept it with me
So a part of them still lingers here
It's not a quiet hobby
As one would like to have
It's my oxygen of stability
And a harsh one at that
Breathe it in
Choke back and relax
It gets easier each time
To breathe in your effects
Pollute me with sin
I won't struggle
But give in
The worst part of you
Is the best part of me
If you aren't convinced by now
Come to my collection
And see

Now I assume
That you'd presume
That I'm ungrateful
And it's true.
You never want what you already have
And he always had a girl that was sad.
Piece by piece
And step by step
We started to drift and forget
That we were in wedded breath.
Sharing, giving, taking, pleading
Constantly forgiving
We never considered leaving
But no one said anything about
Ignoring.
She's down again
Tell me something new
I'll wait it out
Until she's through.
Crying in a separate room
Inconsolable to say the least
I'd went on a hunt for some release.
He couldn't do it all alone
And I was convinced I was on my own.
Discovering I had a friend who was from my home.
I stayed and talked with him
And found in him what I couldn't find at home.
I admit
I confess
Throws your stones
I'll do the rest
Rip the feelings right out of my chest
Oldest trick in the book when your depressed.
I kept it safe for a couple of years
It helped resolve some unsolvable tears.
If I had someone who knew me all
It would be harder to withdraw.
I kept my friendship to the letter of the law.
Things improved for the most part
Started waking up on time
Rediscovered my art
Going to work
Got healthy again
Went on adventures
Made some more friends.
Getting in the swing of living again.
And then I would come home to see
My special room mate with a game controller in his hand.
Just after the next level
Wait for the boss
Let me try again
I lost
Hours faded and night slowly crept
And I stayed awake as he slept.
Thinking it was just a rut.
I was improving and no longer distraught.
It's not a life but it's a start
He didn't need to change a thing
Because the only one who was stopping us was me.
For better or worse
In sickness and health
Wether we were poor and homeless
Or drowning in wealth.
Go to church again
In search for our moral compass
Left feeling next to nothing
Keep going until we had something.
Part seven
Far from heaven
Let's try this religious thing again.

He said that we have loved before...
Their faces and laughter is like a life dead and buried.
Each time we open the cellar door to our hearts,
We create a life with them.
Each first kiss, a birth.
Each tearful goodbye, a death.
We rejoice and mourn these lives we nurture.
And though I am no stranger to these random pulses of affectionate existences,
I pray this one will be immortal.
He knows and accepts that our hearts stop beating
And one day our hearts will awaken in time lock with another.
The tragedy of feeling in it's own sweetness
Has willed me to prolong this particular life into immortality.
And if forever ends abruptly,
No amount of courage or unconditional acceptance stay,
I'm content with dying and never waking,
Just to die with his love still in my veins.
When I awoke to his love, I awoke to my own.
The crunching of thoughts and second guessing still lingering from my previous life.
And the fear of love being lost by love
Is what seals the death I know is awaiting.
My heart still beats and it should be enough,
That I've tasted this vision with my own tongue.
Still, the greed of my emotions is never ceasing.
More time and moments to add on would still never be enough.
To be born again to loving you, is unlike any dream I've conjured.
It's not just being loved by the way you do, but knowing I'm capable of loving you too.

You have to choose
Happiness, I mean
Despite the filth and muffled screams
You have to choose
To offend
Than to play the victim
Time and again
You have to decide
When you open your eyes
If you'll choose to smile
Or choose to cry
You must weigh out
The pros and cons
Of bearing the load
Or shrugging it off
You must admit
That, of course, it *****
To seek the silver lining
Through the settling dust
It is a choice
Not an easy one at that
To hold out your hand
Instead of withholding it back
To forgive without apologies
To forget without closure
To live your life bravely
Despite the crippling exsposure
To those who decide
To be selfish and snide
You give them your support
Despite your piece of mind
To move past regret
Though some lie and say they have none
If you regret you learn
And that lesson is done
Not everything in life is supposed to be fun
You cannot choose how the days go on
When the sun rises with hope
And sets without mercy or love
You can choose how you feel with it all
No one can make you
And they try hard
To break the one thing
That is holding you up
Life is too short
And misery is too long
To have someone else make
Those choices for you
Let them under your skin
And allow them to wear it too
To keep all secrets to yourself
Because you'll fear what they'll do
Collect your mistakes
Wear them with pride
Look them straight on
Without averting your eyes
They make you a pillar
For your own life to live
So make that difficult decision
To not only exist
But to live
It's heartbreaking to see
That those not so different from me
Choose to lay down
And let the bullets fly free
Into their person
Into their heart
Let the world crush them
Let the world draw and quarter them apart
And they call it strength
They call it courage
To allow such courtesies
To stifle their rage
Of a spirit unfulfilled
And a thirst unquenched
To become the filth
To add to the stench
It's not what the soul was fashioned for
It's not what free will is to be
To decay in the rubble
And let your choices be unseen
To take offense
To be utterly spent
To let your mind vaporize
Without consequence
You know what is right
You'll choose to do wrong
Those thoughts are yours alone
And only to you do they belong
I apologize
And I choose to be strong
But no one is perfect
And that's what's perfect about us all

Quick as sand through a hole
Collecting down further
To the whole
They fall to preach
Of a time now spent
Still a bit left
Not enough to repent
Pray my sand leaks out
Through a crack
Or shattered glass
I need not know
How long I'll last
A moment here or there
Of hidden joy
Go out with a bang, dear
Don't obsess of time wasted
Can't go back
The sand has risen
And all you are to do
Is to let yourself be pulled down
The constant state of motion
Not the wait from beginning to end
You're just wasting more sand
And now I'll try
To spare some of mine
My time is filled
With other's sands all of the time
So why not share what could be refined?
My hourglass shape
Shows my time
On my arms and in my mind
I've spilt some sand that wasn't mine
Living longer is simply my crime
So let me fall
And I'll fall right past
I need not know
How long I'll last

These thoughts are unhinging
My words have stopped clinging
No solid tune to help me keep singing
I wonder to what end my actions are bringing
I flee the discourse at a moments bidding
And still I cannot keep myself from swinging
Frying the meat that keeps me believing
Slurring the speech I've been using since my upbringing
I'd beg to be alone if it weren't for myself that I've been fearing
The space is thick and nothing is moving
My voice of reason has started assuming
That my reckless life is of one of my choosing
Is it to myself or to others that I'm proving
The worth that I just pretend to be using
While I smile at another's undoing
You see me at ease when I'm viciously fuming
It's your tender intentions I'm lovingly ruining
And in the midst while I'm consuming
You awe at me unaware of what I'm doing
While all along I've been quietly hinting
That your state of mind is slowly slipping
Into mine and now it's dripping
From all the truth that you've been missing
I will not harm if you're not committing
I will only whisper if you avoid screaming
I'll kiss it away if you leave behind hitting
I'll bleed for you if you let me do the spilling
I never forced you into this realm of unfeeling
But I'll certainly say that you were most willing

I've always liked the concept of pictures.
Moments captured and frozen like holding your breath during a kiss
Or during a scary part in the movies.
Forever young and forever motionless in a memory.
Proof that I was here once.
That I lived a life that was only my own.
Some pictures we rip up or burn away,
As if to destroy any evidence that certain memories happened.
Some pictures we only keep in our minds simply because we didn't think to bring a camera at that moment.
Pictures we hide and conceal
Only to bring out while no one is looking.
The silence of conversations being played back in my mind...
The closeness of friends or the heartbreak of loneliness.
Reminding ourselves of the times our hearts skipped beats or our eyes were filled with the heat of tears.
The pictures we keep to remind us of choices that were made that can never be undone.
We live to create memories...
We live to exist...
We live to leave ourselves behind.
Wether there's a heaven, a hell, or nothing...
Our pictures we keep in our own company or as heirlooms to those we love,
Those are the identities we wish to fade away with.
I buzz in anticipation of the pictures I'd take each day.
The selfies or accidental camera flashes that last only a day or forever.
Embracing the idea that a stranger will see my face and wonder who the person is behind it.
As I do with many others.
My still frame life is documented in silence but can be looked through at anytime of my choosing.
I'm only as mortal as my memories.
My images will fracture and spread when I am long gone.
And I'm fine with that.

I'm sorry my music is much too loud.
It drowns out the voices that pulls me apart.
I'm sorry my clothes are too baggy, tight or displeasing to the eye.
It's all I'm allowed to get out of the crowd.
I'm sorry my language is abrasive and blunt
And perhaps not too kind and respectful as it should be.
I had to defend myself since birth and raised my voice to be heard.
I'm sorry my motivation is shot to hell
And it appears that I don't even try.
The opportunities I searched for have all been shot down.
I'm sorry the person I am doesn't fall into your generation scheme.
I have problems falling into place with my own.
I'm sorry my views of god, politics and people are askew.
I assumed then didn't notice me when their hand was absent in my life.
I'm sorry that I failed your expectations of how I would turn out.
I'm sure the expectations you persevered
Required a lot of hard work that was followed by success and acceptance by all.
I'm sorry that you're so tired to see
The kind of person I could be.
I'm sorry that you push me aside in youth
Because you didn't want to take the time to teach me.
I'm sorry if your plans of your future
Are just as dissapointing as mine.
Is wasn't my intent to deprave you this show.
I'm sorry...but I expected more from the generation that raised me.
I'm sorry you created misguided youth and then punished them for following suit.
And once I am done apologizing
And wasting my years on reckless escapes
I'm sure I'll come down to your point of view
And neglect and forget who I'm meant love and protect.
I don't expect to be catered to when I'm older and exhausted
By those I shoot a disdaining eye.
I might have encouraged them to offend me so
But, knowing that, at least I won't be surprised.

What right to I have
To feel slighted in the end
What right do I have to tears
When I've shed his time and again
What right do I have to pity
An apology in his hands
I acted without so much
As an apologetic bend
What right to I have to surprise
When I saw it a mile away
What right do I have to hoping
That things could have worked out a different way.
What right do I have for a helping hand
I never asked for a thing
Why should I stop now
When he finally said that he's leaving me.
Should I feel happy?
Some sort of relief?
I get a chance to make my life
Exactly as I see
And yet there's something pulling me
As it always does at the end of things
The final pull of gravity
Before the super nova scene.
It was said
Those simple words
The kind that ends a life together
And ends my love and yours
I spent so long pushing you away
I guess it finally worked
I have too much respect for you now
To pull you back and make it worse
I lived up to my curse
And brought you with me
Let you in the depths of my crime
And abandoned you screaming.
It's less than what I deserve
To part with out anger
To be a positive life force
Asking for me to avoid being a stranger
I don't deserve such mercy
But I can only accept it lovingly
Just as you once accepted me

First sighted love
Fills my chest
Warms the core.
Quiet conversation
Hearing words
Learning more.
Brushing hands
Touching lips
Hands gripped firmly around my hips.
Laying down
Fighting the urge
Pushing the envelope just a little more.
Feel the chill
As we exhale.
Craving touch
Inside ourselves.
Time goes by
Replay
Words to fill the time away.
Trying to think of things to say.
Help me keep the heat aflame.
What to watch?
What to do?
Of course I'm not getting bored with you?
Should we fool around some more
Or are you tired?
Cuddle on the floor?
Have you heard this joke before?
Do you feel like eating out once more?
Loving still
Without the thrill
Give it back
We're not yet filled.
We've come so far
To walk away.
Maybe we just need a day
Or two or a week.
Let me miss you
Craving to hear your voice to speak.
He's just a friend.
Who is she?
They seem so very different
From me.
I didn't mean the things I said.
You won't allow yourself
To be comforted.
Parted ways
And still it burns.
Keeping tabs
But pictures turned
Into ashes.
Where is he?
Did she leave?
Our friends just won't stop asking.
******* stop reminding me.
Finding others to fill the need.
Days, weeks and months wander astray
Since seeing your face turn and fade away.
It sparks a bit
But only just.
I pray it's doused and it must.
Random message
Just checking in
Hope you're happy
How have you been?
Feeling it being lit again.
First sighted love
Fills my chest
Warms the core.
Quiet conversation.
Stay aflame
Let's do this again.

The things I choose not to convey
Unless the tune is right and the ear buds are positioned.
The sound bounces off the walls of my skull
And I take it with super sonic delight.
I rage and I swoon and I mourn to the beat
To last out a thought I never wish to be complete.
It stifles the screams I lock behind my wide spread grin
And make the grip of my hands release.
If I can create the music on my own
I could share or hide with subconscious intentions.
So if I press the notes of a melody to your face
And insist that it portrays certain passages that I've yet to explain,
Please don't look at me with intolerant obligation
Simply because it doesn't suit your taste.
Take it with stride.
Take it with an open mind.
My insight is clearer with the words of others
Who are brave enough to conjour their lips to move.
To let their tongue loosen and flip the bird
At those who are scornful enough to correct their prose.
In my head is music
And my mouth in constant motion to it's sway.
It breaks my my heart in silence
When that music refuses to play.

The real life
The long days
He worked so hard
And never played.
And I would be the whining wife
Accusing him that he stole my life
Appeared in some insolvable fits
He'd walk in and try to fix it
My spirit seemed to never lift.
Held me tight
I pulled away
He tried to bring me back to the present day
Why I wallowed away
In the past.
Forever it would last
I paced the floor to kick it back
While he was trying his damnedest to make me laugh.
Listen to this song
Make some art
What's wrong sweety?
Please don't fall apart.
The comfort that he tried to impart
Was useless as I broke his heart.
He thought that we should leave the country
Pull me out of my past and flee
Little did he see
My past life came with me.
Japanese ground
Different tongue
I tried to keep from acting young.
Held my sound in for too long
Until I was deaf and much too forlorn.
I would watch myself get intense
Like an outer body experience
He prodded himself, at my expense,
To love me without consequence.
If he didn't, it meant he lied
And I could see it again in his eyes
I prepared him for a rocky life
But he was shocked when my prophecy came by.
I tried so hard to apologize
Going up and down and side to side
Inside the confines of my brittle mind.
Open the windows
Let the sun in
Let's go for a walk
Get out of bed.
Maybe a job would to the trick
And it did...for a little bit.
Making light of moody fits
I allowed him to stray a bit.
Naked ladies on the screen
I didn't look like the girl of his dreams
I snooped a bit, I wish I never did
The words said to someone else that I had to quickly forgive.
No worse than that things I've ever done
I'm not one to sit and judge
Let the silence in me run
Far away
Cook a meal
He'd never come
By a skirt
He never saw
Get together
With some of his other sailors
And let them make some fun
Of me.
The crazy one he came to keep
In his home and in his sheets.
It was how it was to be
I felt comfort in negativity
Letting all the creepy crawlies
Make my thoughts forgo the follies
I can hardly victimize
Myself and my despise
I created a life with my own hands
I became a *****
And he a stronger man
For putting up with it.
Never thought that I would miss
The quiet kid in part one
Long before number six.