It's okay
To walk away
I've never been one
To really stay
I'm sure you're better off this way
To flee my eyes
And escape my sway

It's okay
I'd even say
You're starting to see
Some better days
No more thoughts in disarray
No more wishing
And creating a fray

It's ok
It was a most convincing play
Though I'm afraid
The original message was not relayed
I did not break you, so, I need not pay
For the mistakes you spoke of
Were the lies you unknowingly made

It's okay
I feel no rage
There's no use
For a war to wage
Part us in our perspective ways
Still my friend but in the end
Not the kind that should stay

There was a time I thought you to be dangerous
6 years ago
Too nice
Too shy
Too right
And I
Couldn't be more far from you..
My hands across those ivory keys
And then you found me musically
Appealing.
I didn't know you were watching me.
Your best friend,
Dating my sister then,
Turns out you confided in him
Trying to find a way to me
And I still didn't know your name.
We met, of course
You wouldn't speak to me
And I would not give in easily
If your words couldn't come out and say
Then I had no problem walking away.
You got the courage on your birthday
To ask of I could possibly go on a date.
I said no and to stay away
I have enough friends
And your not molded out of the same clay
As they.
That's alright
He stopped by at my craft store and he smiled
I'll just be a little while
If you're not working for eternity
Maybe you could find some time for me.
And I was offended obviously
That he wanted a piece of my company.
Nice guys finished last
And he was unaware that he wasn't in the running.
Was there possibly a way that I
Could keep myself out of his light?
I'm made for dank and darker places
Angry boys with scowling faces.
I could eat his good intentions up
I could make his tears full cups.
I would be as blunt as hell
To get him off my smell.
And I might as well
Turn his hello into a fare thee well.
But then I let his mouth make sounds
He spoke to me
He stuck around
And it wasn't that I deliberately
Enjoyed his company.
He saw a glimmer inside of me
And that made me want to set it aflame completely.
His kindness killing me.
Well, I have hatred up my sleeve
And it's always worked effectively.
But then it backfired on me
****, I found out that he was funny.
In the sense he wasn't trying to be.
Best described as innocent and dorky.
Don't laugh at his jokes
Don't smile at him
Don't let him know
That you're human.
Guys like him are drawn to that.
Rough around the edges but in fact
There's a heart of gold in there.
He's an archeologist
And I an ancient lair.
Pulling and digging and finding and thinking
That it's a grand discovery
You're not so bad
But that's not me.
What you think are diamonds
Is just the dust reflecting
Off of something it's simply mimicking.
Step one of how I'm now confessing
How I met the man I happened to marry.

I apologize in advance
If the things I write vary from rage to lax.
I not a writer of stories or lies
The only story I know is the one that lives behind my eyes.
I'm a lover of fictional lives
The books I read are unlike mine.
I tried
To write a falsehood once
With a pencil and paper
Is was a bust.
The more of the character I wrote
Was a jaded youth
A story much like my own.
I decided to cut the middle ground
I wrote about myself.
It's not pretty in the least
Bits of clouds covered in my words
Sarcastically.
I loved
I lost
I watch my prose turn to rust.
I was foolish enough to trust
Those who used my words for a gram of kush.
Therapy is expensive
And so are the meds
My memories are too cheap
To sell out of my head.
Hello poetry is free
And I don't need to look at your eyes while you're judging.
I'm not a martyr
I'm hands are covered in red
I'd rather be the offender
Than to ever be a victim again.
I try to be as nice as I can
To cover up my cynical hatred.
I try to speak my truth out loud
And it's piled up to a little amount.
I stumbled
I stuttered
My emotion became a safety shroud
Of always knowing that you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Ignorance is bliss
And I love being hard to miss
Fit in the crowd
Of a faceless pit.
My whining doesn't mean ****
But just as long as I get rid of it.
Sure the views are great
And I can allow people to relate
Oh, I'm trending?
Your approval isn't really something that is pending
In my mind.
It's appreciated
But it's not the reason why I live.
I'm sure most of you have less than two ***** to give.
But thanks for letting me vent all the same.
I'm one of many that goes to show
If you can't write lies
Then just write what you know.

In regards to this boy I'm introducing
Part 3 to the 6 year rant that I'm logging.
After awhile I began warming
To his quiet affectionate persisting.
I took his hand on rare occasion
Kissed him with some hesitation
Poured my soul for him to see
Until he asked me to meet his family.
I mean, he had met mine
And that was fine
But I had no clue how to find.
That good impression I had long left behind
It's buried deep in my careless mind.
His mother and father kept up with their time
His sister, like him, was very shy.
I tried to dress like I had my life
Under control and tried to pass off the lie.
It seemed strange to me
That this boy I claimed to be loathing
Was slowly creeping inside and splitting
My delicate chaos so orderly.
He comforted me in what I thought was my prime
When I saw my gang wise counterpart die.
He knew my siblings with a smile and said
Wouldn't it be great if our families converged?
I took it with a grain of salt
Because I thought his convictions would slow with a grinding halt.
Taking every secret I parted with
Inside himself and pulled strength from it.
Thinking I was meant for him
If I changed my ways...and for him I did.
I found it within myself
To leave that life I vowed never to live without.
To kick the habits and the foul mouth
And try to commit to god and be devout.
Went to church
Said my grace
Greeted my trials with a smiling face.
Took my chances just to see
Who god intended me to be.
I had faith and started to dream
I had hope
Silly me
As soon as I latched onto to praying scene
That's when his resolve started slipping.
And all if it was thanks to me.
I was rubbing off on him while he was rubbing off on me.
Boys will be boys
With the girls that they chase
While my thoughts turned pure
His turned less chaste.
I could see it in his face
Every time we were alone at his place.
We were only human
And I knew all too well
That little by little
Our integrity fell.
What we were waiting for after our wedding vows
Turned into how many times could we get away with it now.
The honest woman I had hoped to be
Remained as a girl living secretly.
And the guilt inside was eating me
That the values he had, by my hand, slipped into nothing.
I tried many time to break it off
Because his values weren't worth swapping for my touch.
I started reverting back to what I had felt
Nothing
Which, for me, was the easiest ways for things to be dealt.
I grabbed that hope much too quick
To think it would last without working for it.
At least I'm self aware enough to admit
That I turned my husband to the dark side where it was nothing but ****.

That **** filled acknowledgment
Of being the *******
Knowing
That you're unable to to deny
Every lie you tell
The intentions that mirror justifications
The excuses that meant well only for personal gain
I'm not such a bad guy
I listen when others confide
Keeping secrets without though of using them as halos above my head
Or chains around others necks
My acts of villainy go as far as my glance of judgments go
Pretending to be above
As my thoughts are buried deep like roots on a rotting tree
I half heartedly tug and stay planted
Blaming the illusion of not having a choice
Staying
Stagnating
Spoiling
Others and their flaws continue to move forward
As I choose to stubbornly watch
Unable to change because I won't allow it
Denying the reality
That I ain't ****
But I want to be
Disconnected, without the guidance of words and social cues to guide me on
Friends only marked by longevity of knowing I exist at all
Too old to making any believable change that will stick
Too young to give up now
Stuck inside and between my fears and my wants
Taking the blame for once without being staked to it
Forgiving myself without keeping the guilt in my veins
Progress is not wanting to bleed them out
When that was the obvious answer many times before
How can I change?

How could I leave myself behind for another alternative?

How do I let myself go free?

Now I know the truth of myself
Theres no way to tell
If there's more pain in change
Or just hanging around