As a child I would play
On my mood swing everyday.
It still new
And hardly frayed
It would take me up and back away.
If someone pushed me up
I'd say
"This is such a beautiful day!"
And if some stole my swing from me
I'd sit and pout
In childish melancholy.
A few years passed
And my mood swing stayed.
I stared at it but hardly played.
I'd sometimes think
"Maybe today
Will be the day my mood swing breaks."
My mother's tears
And my father's rage
Would make my mood swing
Lose it's sway.
My brothers and sisters would look away
While by myself
On my mood swing I would pray.
"Please just push me up again
Make me smile
Be my friend."
In my teens I never glanced
At the swing
It being rusted but not collapsed.
I used it for another wish
Like hanging with friends
Or sharing my first kiss.
The slightest breeze could push it now.
I never had to be in the seat.
In memory I'd see it go up and down
And the ground would never meet my feet.
I gripped the chain
And laughed and screamed
My feelings were transfered
Into that swing.
Then I changed into my adult like skin.
So grown up
I thought I knew everything.
My mood swing was for childish work
And I'm too big
Too much of a naive ****.
I swung myself
As high or low as I'd command
Thinking I had the control all in my hands.
I figured all who we're passing me
Would assume me swinging high
Swinging free.
Unknowing that my mood swing
Was swinging me.
Until those times I'm swung too low
My feet would catch
My adrenaline grow.
I fell so many times,
Looking back on my method then,
It's wasn't as easy as it was at 10.
Of course someone was helping me.
Now my swing is jerking me
It feels too small when I sit in the seat.
I don't go as high now like I used to be
I can only move if I kick my feet.
My mood swing made it so long without defeat
But I have awhile to go
And I'm not confident as it squeaks.
What if my children want to play on it someday
And I give them my swing in disarray?
I've long forgotten how to play
On my mood swing
In the way.

Just because you're family
Doesn't mean you have rights to me
My secrets kept
Are just that
They're hidden and swept
Under the rugs from your eyes.
If you find out you'd just call them lies
And there's truth to that plight
Blood hasn't  given you the god given right
To have a say in everything in my life
Keep in mind
The things you've confided in me
Without judgement and without confessing
To the rest of the world
Defining
What kind of person I've come to be.
Play your game
Let me play mine
You grew up with me
But you weren't always there to check my vital signs
You weren't there for every bit of time
I collapsed and reached out to find
You weren't there
And I still ended up fine.
Being the youngest of five
Doesn't make me the dumbest one in line.
I learned from the mistakes of four others
To keep my faults under these covers.
Being naive in front of the clan
Is apart of my plan
Blend in and refrain
From voicing opinions that won't be heard anyways.
Just because you're family
Doesn't mean
You own me
So *******
Or play my game

He from the motherland
And I a Yankee.
Towered over me
To have a peak.
Thought that I was well bred
Fourth generation white trash,
What was in his head?
Overseas for his highschool learning degree
And he cast his educated eyes on me.
Dabble in some fun, at least.
Tempted to see what would ferment
Plus, what girl could resist that British accent?
He was from an academy
Only the wealthy and upstanding could attend.
I from the public system
With their loud and boisterous trends.
Can't recall how we conversed at first
A friend of a friend
Classic verse.
All I recall is our first meeting
He was taller than what I was expecting.
Saw me and a smiled spread
Took my hand and then he lead.
Horror flick
Of course it was
Dark and close
No intentions lost on us.
We're just kids
There is no rush.
Hands were held
My hair he would occasionally smell.
I kept the Oder of a well baked good
And I sprayed too much
It filled the room.
Drive around
We found his house
Kissing scene
We already spent time talking months before meeting.
It wasn't that we didn't know each other
We just had yet to see the form of one another.
Privacy
We found some shudders
We weren't friends
Or lovers
Can't say that I liked him like a brother
His male intent was unlike the others.
From that day on
We'd hang around
Listening to songs.
Going for walks along
Starlit parking lots.
Two years younger than myself
It was a big deal and I felt
That his attention was a phase of his
When I told him that
He raged and said
"You don't know the way I love."
"You don't see how the other way girls are frauds"
"You think the rich and well to do
Automatically make us smarter than you?"
I didn't have a clue
Standing still in his surprising brood.
Didn't mean to cause offense
I thought I was just making light of it.
And hear his James Bond demeanor snap
Made me reconsider this lad.
Tried to give him solace
It failed
Retorted with
"Aren't you afraid of going to jail?"
My eyes had widened and I laughed
Had to high five him for that crack.
Took it back
Went to the normal way we'd interact.
Prom night on a subtle cruise
"The only one I want to go with is you"
How could I refuse?
Graduated a year before
But what the hell,
My prom ******
And he's hardly a bore.
Dressed up and got ready to go
Then I saw him in a tuxedo.
God save the ******* queen!
How did that find attraction to me?
Still one of my best memories
Of that British gentleman and me.
Never pushing past further than I said
Had those hormones in our heads
But never gave into them
Instead,
We used the back of his jeep to talk.
Of dreams, of songs
Of rights and wrongs
Of tales of who we wanted to be
And occasionally enjoying each other's company.
Turning moments into memories
Some of the best I'd ever seen.
One of the few guys to treat me decently.
One evening
While I was dreaming
I awoke to find my cell phone ringing.
The British were calling, the British were calling!
But this one in particular had been drinking.
Slurring but still sounding amazing.
As soon as I answered
He started proclaiming
"You don't have to say it back to me, but your the girl I find myself loving."
What to do with that.
How do I reply?
Told him to talk to me the next day
When he could see with sober light.
He happily complied
Not regretting a single line.
Didn't take it back and I
Resolved it to being fine.
There are worse things in life
Than being loved by this gentleman's kind.
Not saying that I didn't love him back
But I had demons crawling through these cracks.
Couldn't say out loud
In fact
I never said it all.
Did he hassle me about it?
No
Said his peace
And let it go.
Made ourselves at home
Whenever we were alone.
Adventures in the land of the free
Forgiving me alone for my ancestors dumping all his tea.
And I forgave his ancient monarchy
For not allowing my fore fathers practice faith freely.
Such comparability
Different lives still converging
Once he graduated then
It was time to go back to his motherland.
We both knew our time would end.
Having others in his hands
No fault of his
I let him have them.
The only reason he did, he say,
It's easier to leave them
I'd only make him want to stay.
Understanding
Let's be friends then
We always were,
Then again.
See you off
With your group of friends
Barnes and nobles
Last book binge.
Hug you tight
Walk away
Pull out my phone
Typing away,
"I love you, kid. I hope you don't stay away."
"I love you too, miss"
Replying in his British way.
Kept in touch
Reminisce on random days
My British gentleman
That got away.
Now I come far from that time
We still talk on occasionally lines.
Growing up
And staying fine.
I'm grateful I was exposed
To a gentleman at least one time.

The mirror's reflection looked away from me today.
She knew my secret and my shame...
Even now I thought I could hide it from her.
There are certain dualities to monogamous promises
Because emotions are never made just for one.
If I knew I would have loved him then I would have hated him first.
If I knew I would hurt him...then I would have killed him before I could.
I've traced all my steps back into a wall.
The path that was there before has been blocked by my own hand.
I built it with every lie and every truth about myself,
And yet I stand dumbfounded at the choice I am to make.
I'm panting and wild eyed for an escape
And my captors are threatening for an answer.
Both breathing fantasies and lives that I want to see
And all they get from me is a choke.
A stammer.
A stutter of a choice made but not thought through.
I give them both each hand to have but the joke is on me...
Basic anatomy only gave me one heart.
And them as well.
They both gave theirs to me and now I'm overly supplied
And worrying over them spoiling if I leave them out too long.
Then I think to myself of a prose well said,
"Get thee to a nunnery."
And like a coward, I flee.

It's only pornographic if you look
It's only lust if you feel
It's only hard when you touch
It's only fornicating if you squeal
It's only heartbreak if I leave
It's only grief if you stay
It's only pity if I comfort
It's only lies if you believed them anyways
It's only justified if I'm the *****
It's only excused cause I did it first
It's only love if it hurts
It's only hate if I no longer quench your thirst
It's only pain if you remain
It's only this
It's only that
It's only a kiss
It's only a whack
It's only a life
It only takes time
It's only a matter of getting yourself by
It's a matter of feeling
It's only hoping it to be real
It's only a hijack
If you get caught mid steal
It's only everything
It's nothing at all
It's only a line with a baited hook
It's only pornographic if you look

Ten years shy of our interlude
You watching me punching you.
First impressions were insude.
Who would have thought they would have lasted as long as you?
Hardened shells
Never crack
Passing notes
Hear you laugh.
Searching hallways
Looking back
See your face
Give me that.
A casualty of a hacky sack.
Keeping face and holding back.
Hug me tight
Apology
You won't see a single tear from me.
Turned your back away from me
Never wanting comforting
Especially from the likes of me.
Hugging back
Selflessly
Making you see this isn't me.
Highschool drama
**** those llamas
Keeping rage to a tolerable somber.
Pretending not to see you leave
So far away from my company.
Feeling others pulling me
Away from your integrity
Intentions made so violently
Trying to hate you
Have you forgetting me.
Angry notes are pushing
You farther and farther away from me.
Making us complicating
Something as simple as you and me.
**** this ****
I want this
Complicate me with our trust.
Let me be the one you dance with
When there are others you dismiss.
Passing up what could have been our first kiss.
Day of love
The day I hate
Who needs a valentine?
It could **** my taint.
Down the hall behind your back
A little flower
Now I'm trapped.
Handing it to me
Watching a smile grow widely.
Making my words into hypocrisy
Now they know I'm a girl and see
How you're cracking every bit of me?
Kissing cheeks
Make us blush
Never stopping our blood from the rush.
Holding hands
Intertwined
Finishing sentences
Reading minds.
It almost felt like you were mine
Before life parted us with time.
Far away
Computer screens
Catching up
Living things
Watching you love and letting you be
At least we had the memories.
Fell into some habits
So did you.
What is our lives coming to?
Feeling the shells harden again
Please don't break it
Let me pretend
You don't see me on this end.
You won't be proud of the things I did.
Fall off planets
Wedding bands
Stand at attention
No longer in each other's plans.
Seeing the world is the latest trend.
Asian continent
Back on earth we land
What are the odds
Of you planting your legs where I stand?
Aisle walks
Who's at the end?
Selecting food with a friend.
Stand like a statue
As I ascend
Hardly believing we're breathing the same oxygen.
Did you shake?
When I wrapped my hands
Around your back
Am I an illusion?
Miles from home
And I found my friend.
Bring my songs back to life
Thinking we've change
Together that's a lie.
There's much to do about nothing
To pick up where we left off back then.
The mold I'm squeezing myself in
You trying to keep yourself busy
Any excuse to have a run in meeting.
Find religion
No, but you'll spend time with me.
Watch me do some mormoning.
Maybe come over for some holidays
See the part where I'm cooking things.
Confiding in you that I hate Christmas
And you full heartedly agree.
It's not that bad though on the couch reminiscing.
Pull out year books and point out people
Together hating
What have you been up to since leaving me?
I love long stories
They won't bother me.
Once again fingers entangling.
Almost forgetting to whom I'm belonging.
Don't remind me of what I'm craving.
Here...look at these girls
They're all that you need.
The attention you give me only makes me think.
FHE hide and seek
Sit in my car
Listen to me sink
Oh, you met someone
Isn't that neat?
She makes you laugh
She helps you feel less lonely.
It wasn't until you had us meet
That my inner envy began to creep.
That night before deploying...
Even in front of her
You saying that you loved me.
And I believing it being more than friendly.
6 months out
Desert sands
Losing someone you thought you had
On both of our ends.
Ask advice
The hell if I know
The same thing is happening to me.
I wish it wasn't how it came to be.
A matter of time before you return to me.
Work day
In my registers place
I'm the first you choose to chase
And in response I jump to your embrace.
Relieved you came back in safety.
You came back home
And my home came back to me.
Darken sidewalks
Hand in hand
Tell me how you spent your time in the sand
Your place now
And I confess
There's things I feel
Parts of you I missed.
Expecting you to call me out
It's not fidelity if I say it out loud.
And yet you don't
You mimic me
Telling that you had been missing
Me.
At least we know
We said our peace
No further even though our doors are opening.
Don't swing wide
Don't let me feel your breeze.
Just one toe in
That's all I need.
Game of thrones
Barrack rooms
Wondering what I said to you
Just lay down
Don't go too far
Non make out session
Our hearts pound hard.
I'm on top
My face too close
Touching lips
The story goes
It's you and me
Staring
Can't believing it to be happening.
Just this once and then no more
Kissing as if we never had before.
Trying hard as hell to not want more.
All convictions to the floor
Loving each other like there's a settle to score.
But it doesn't count if you don't say
That you love me in anyway.
Let's keep it casual, I say.
Let's try to stop this all today.
Going out
Drinking scene
I'm trying to look pretty.
And you always look good
In whatever you throw on
Inebriated I try to make you sing a song.
Go out for some air
Let the drinks speak for me
Telling you I love you right then and there
Regardless of whoever could hear.
Moving too fast but I didn't care
If I lost you again at least of have it out there.
Drink me up into your cares
I'd rather be here than where I came
While you tell me you love me all the same.
It's probably wrong for both of us to say
But we've know it too long to be too ashamed.
Let someone else take the blame
Of constantly getting in the way.
Evenings spent in each other's sway
Till he calls or we get too carried away.
Not letting me go home just yet
Don't leave me alone
Don't make me forget
The places I've kissed on your neck.
Crevices discovered
New places of wonder
In and outside of those covers
No control
Let's leave the room
In the zone
Inhale those smoking fumes
Stupid smiles
To one another
They all knew about us and each other
The lust branded us both lovers
Except for that certain act
We broke ourselves not to rein act.
Kissing can be forgiven
But that sure as hell can't
Only when we belong to each other
Would we ever do that.
When and not if
After all of this
We felt too much with every kiss.
Placing each other in each future scenario
Naming kids and watching them grow
In our heads.
Plucking out names as we star gazed
Debating on waiting or straight away
Having our perfect family.
Talking of sharing our lives alone
But we weren't alone.
Knocks on the door
Back home there was met
Someone who found out our little secret.
Confronted
Turns out that I was actually wanted
Could have fool me by his quiet neglect
And we were both being treated like back stabbing suspects.
And that's when the guilt in me crept.
Stronger than I, you stood your ground.
Feeling bad for the conflict but not for being around.
Wanting to protect me from every sound
Of rage and breaking hearted rebound.
And after that it was like a divorcing trial
He'd have me all week and then you on the weekend but only for a little while.
Trying to keep myself going wild
Trying have both of you smile.
Stupid me
Now I see
I'm not the kind of person meant for sharing.
Back and forth and still I'd be
Exposed to 360 degrees of jealousy.
And on top of that you were leaving me.
Not deliberately
Not intentionally
Not wanting
To see me fade away into nothing.
Do our time
Make it count
Get the claw and pull nemo out.
******* there's a gloomy bear?
10 more tokens then we're there.
Photo booth
Print it clear
That we happened. We were here.
Walk a trail and find a tower
Watch the sunset from the water.
Skip those rocks until I get it right
We were always worth the fight
For any of those memories to see the light.
Knowing though right now can't be
Someday you ask to marry me
I've been asked that before
And you see where that got me
You don't blame me for the disbelief
And your ever hopeful eyes still plead
Never thinking back in spite
The things we felt on your last night.
Folding socks
Packing tight
Kissing time away that night.
Interrupted
And I left
Feeling so in completed.
Watch the clock before you take off
I need to make it now or not
Walk right through the terminal doors
And all of your resolve plummeted to the floor.
One last time and then no more.
It's hard enough to say goodbye
I can't do it when you have tears in your eyes
Trying hard to hold back mine
All we wanted was a little more time.
We always joked of how
Hours went by like seconds now
God allowed time to slow
When you're feeling miserable.
In the line
Watch you fly
Now it's only me, myself and I.
Hoping one of us can keep our memories
As my tangible one fade away from me.
Try again to recommitting
To the one I left hanging.
Trying to still be in your mind
But letting go to prove him right.
Then he left me high and dry
Should have saw that coming as soon as you took flight.
Hoping you put me from your sight
Burn my letters and live your life right.
While I deny myself the right and mine
Thinking I deserve it for my crime.
Breaking 3 hearts including mine.
Pass the time
I need to be better
I need to follow his life to the letter
Thinking I don't deserve much better
The one who you had wants out but I won't let her.
Feels like I waited forever.
Reconnected the line to the wrong receiver.
Thought I had done what I thought was best
Hearing your voice say those words and I couldn't contest
With your distance and your suppressed
Empathy for my distress.
It's the undeniable consequences.
Let myself fall of the surface
Breaking ties
Become the enemy
Become the very kind of person
I spent my life loathing.
Prey upon those who'd believe
All the pretty words I'd seethed.
Who knew it could be this easy
To make someone else fall in love with me?
Faceless guys who tripped to see
Any kind of attention from me.
Getting drunk every evening
Just to **** the part of me with feeling.
Touch me want me kiss me taunt me
Think you've made me the one who's wanting?
And then the prodigal boy who bounced me
Came back when he saw what I was flaunting.
You would have rolled your eyes at me
With everything that I was portraying.
Going back to the way I was playing.
In my defense I wasn't thinking.
About him.
About you.
About myself or what I had to do.
Deny the basic human right
To feel some happiness
To feel alive.
Take the bottle and the pills
Waking up the next morning
Disappointment with a side of chills.
At least it was a wake up call
Trying to control it all
If I was going to let myself fall
I didn't want to inconvenience anyone at all.
Play the part
Say the words
Live the lie
Make it work
Made my plans
Aligned with his
Come back home and he leaves again.
Knowing in the back of my head
You were somewhere else
And you lived.
Maybe someone was warming your bed.
Last we spoke, someone did.
Trying to keep my space again
I'd done enough as it is
For you to want to see my face again.
So I had thought
And I did.
You were waiting for my message.
Even if it was just as friends.
Facebook stalking
We both admit
We'd do it weekly until one of us
Started talking.
Passing thoughts
Wait for an update
Profile pictures
Changing
I kept taking more and more
Note on your tagged photos
Wondering who took those.
Did you still have the ones I took?
When you were alone and thinking
Did you have a look?
Did you ever think of me?
Why the hell aren't you messaging?
Then I, with silence breaking
"Hey there stranger...."
Message seen
Then you said you were willing me
To say those words through the screen.
Find out how you were close to me.
How did I feel about visiting?
Driving three hours to my county
And now to you I'm nervously driving.
Pulling up next to you
*******!
When did he get so huge.
Wait a moment for my breathing to ensue.
Unbuckle, get out and walk to you.
Pulled me in
Was the first thing you do
And the the feeling came rushing through.
Like some ****** on a binge
God, it felt so good to be held again.
Trying to avoid holding hands
Check me out
And I'll check you back
Tease each other
Make me crack
Almost kiss
Pull away
**** this ****
Do it anyways.
Walking in public places
Didn't help the pulsing phases
The time apart didn't diminish the traces
Of the physical draw, we just misplaced it
Maybe we should go back to my place
Watching some film while we look away
Baby, let's not get carried away
Close call
You almost made me fall
Crazy how that felt like no time at all
Till we're back on the same spiral.
Catch a glimpse of my swinging face
Smile now frown now back to our places
It's hard to feel so far away
When I stare at your face through this screen everyday
When I fall asleep to your voice at night
When we speak of drawing first blood
How hott it would be to fight.
Making business meetings
Into merging companies
Telling secrets
Making scenes
Silly faces
Fairly lands
Does it bother you?
It never did.
Trying to make my life less complicated
Convincing me
That the ground your standing
Is the one you claimed
Like planting a flag down in the name of your country.
Come to my door
Pull the beasts away from the floor
Then I'm against the wall
Pick me up
Never letting me fall
First impressions are the best
You say hello in a way if can't contest
Trying to keep the shake from your hands
As you fiddle and press all my buttons
Road trip riots
Scream out windows
Call me maybe?
That poor couple.
Amusement parks are just a perk
We're already amused together with the way we work.
Baby, I love you, turn around!
******* A!
The sloth you found!
My jaw almost hit the ground
I went full ****** just now.
Lemonade ice
Wishing wells
Tattooed dad's
Hands are held
Fight the straw
In your mouth
Remind me of my stature
Elbow on my head
Apologize
Kiss my face instead.
See a family struggling
With capturing their own memory
Tell me to ask and see
If their picture could be taken by me
So shy by your own generosity
I lovingly agree
Sleepy now
Wearing out
First time sleeping all personal.
Promise to stay
Regardless of what's happening?
We don't have to go all the way.
Naked now
If you kiss you lose
Did you kiss me
Or did I kiss you?
Alarm clock ******* up the sleep cycle
Waking up to see you smile
Morning breath
Just give me a little while
Get up from bed
Pull me back down
Put on your shirt
Take it back off now.
Taking care of canine kids
Taking a shower while you sit
Ready to go back on the road
Walgreens, gardens, now my favorite abode.
Secret spot that I show
**** rubbing that tree made me giggle.
On the strip
Arts and crafts store
No, I've never been in there before.
We both enjoy what we see so far.
*******.
They're playing Fast Car.
Stares are swapped
Grins are spread
Sharing that secret
Like we did.
Waiting till that song did end
To head to our next destination.
Walk up hill
Serious talk
Sit on grass
Picture swap
Ninja pose
You're built like a rock.
Find some food
But it's too crowded to walk.
Jason's deli has what we want
Only conflict is the drinks that we bought.
You like mine better?
I like yours too
Problems solved
Let the trade ensue.
Ticking clock
Almost time to leave
Rewinding parts of mr nobody
Trying not to let me see
How much you don't want to leave.
Kiss me like you don't want me to,
******* this kid is making me lose it too.
Get in car
Drive away
Call me soon
Drive home safely
FaceTime ******* us off incessantly
If we were in person
We wouldn't need this ******* thing.
Hardly an hour past, and then
You ask when you can see me again.
Make some plans
Rinse repeat
Tabb throw back
Dairy Queen food endeavor
Food lion **** break
Tim minchins radio doppelgänger
Read my brain
You thought it too
Art museum
I'm gunna get you
Riled up
And frustrated with me
It's hard to walk when in my ear
You're whispering
Do you hear a piano playing?
Let's trek back and see
The master of that melody
Hunting down the elderly
That old guy is you
And the old lady is me
Speaking of our future constantly.
Back to the ride
The glove box won't comply
Get some wire to compromise
Take me to get some shakes and fries
Wandering in the mall's walk lights
Going back across the bridge
My paranoia of the road permits
Squeezing your hand every five minutes.
Relax
Scream and step on the gas
You sure know how to make my brain go lax
Check on the kids
And then pursue
The slumber party
Take two
Messing up the room info
King sized bed
Downgraded to two q

It always catches me off gaurd whenever he moved hair from my face. Like static eletricity. A sudden shock then numb. I excel at not noticing though. If I take it too seriously then it'll be forever until I get him this close again. I hate that. If I ever saw it coming then I would have the sense to move out of the way of his hand. I would mindlessly move the wisp behind my ear, then call it a day. Nothing to see here. Move along. The worse is over so go back to your homes and forget everything. Yeah right.

Thump

There would be mornings when I practiced what I would say to him. It would be quick and deep. He wouldn't know what hit him. I would never bring up anything that happened a week ago. Hell, even one night ago. As soon as the daylight hit us, we were to act like strangers with goldfish memories. Slightly grazing whenever we swam near each other. Barely touching. I'd mimic over and over again the words that I would have said. And then I would see him...****, what was I going to say?

Thump

Music doesn't help either. Whenever you're going insane over someone it's like the force of nature knows. So everything that has a remote form of sound has to remind you of him in one way or another. I have to keep the radio off whenever I go driving or else I think too much. I get sentimental. If he knew that then it would just get worse. I think guys like it better when you act like you haven't thought about them all day. Then they don't feel responsible about letting you down in the end because they haven't thought about you unless you're right in front of them sometimes. That's alright though, it gives me a reason to keep busy. His favorite song is going off...why was I so stupid to put it as his ringtone?

Thump

It's me and him. Finally. Just driving. All I needed was five minutes notice before he came around to my house and I was ready. I made it point to never sleep at night, just in case. Our memories came back. Everything is just fine. He's perfect. And so am I. Nothing else matters except the road. Now I can breathe for one more week. I think that over and over again as I inhale another drag of the cigarette that we're sharing. I wouldn't call it love. Hell, I can't even call it friendship. I don't want any of those complications to get in it again. I excel at not noticing. I excel at letting things go. I can count how many times I let him go when he wanted to go. If he's happy and doesn't hate me then when he's done with whoever...I'll still be there. Open door policies are great. I'm playing hard to get and easy to lose all at the same time...

Thump

The sunlight came back. And it's taken over for a few weeks. I wish the stupid sun would super nova already. I'm pretty sure if that happened then that would be a good enough to talk to me about. "Did you see that????"
Not everyone gets what they want. It's easy to think that when you have nothing. It's easier to know it when you know you don't stand a chance at getting it. I excel at not noticing. I'm a freeze frame just for you. I'll stay where we left off and whenever you say so I'll move again. I'll be your best friend forever. And all I'll ever want is your happiness cause I'm greedy like that. Yet, one day, I know I'll move your hand when you come close to my face again. Sometimes static electricity loses it's shock and I can't afford to be numb just for you. For now, though...I'll pretend I don't notice.

Thump

This is the moment where I try to will myself to sleep.
The moment where we all know that will and basic reality create the opposite effect.
My thoughts are suspended into space...
Into an underwater impulse.
The whole world muted and crawling.
I find myself erasing and creating the person I've fashioned into,
Up until this point anyways.
I'm a closet full of personas...a wardrobe of ****** expressions
And nuances that are mine and mine alone.
Some I hate and some I can't afford to throw by the wayside.
No one becomes the person that they are simply by self affirmation.
I've stolen many of my horrors and my joys from others
And I'm sure a few of my personal affects are missing as well.
Moments of time and emotion so small that I wouldn't have noticed them missing anyways.
They're free to take regardless.
I give love and hatred just as freely as you might.
I clash into others and mimic the lives that could be theirs....
But I doubt they are.
Those who are sleeping, I applaud you.
Those who are hardly self aware and let the minutes slip them by
As if they have plenty to spare.
I however will remain awake.
Thinking of you, though I've never met you or seen your face.
Chances are I could be you, and you me.
We could be distorted reflections of each other
And the thrill of it that keeps me awake at nights
Is never knowing you but knowing that you're there.
So sweet dreams when they finally find you.

I know it seems that my surface
Is looking a little worn.
You read my words freely here
And assume I'm a bit torn.
I'd censor it but you would know
From the words I speak
From the truth you know.
It's just an imbalance of chemicals, love
Now don't be worried about me anymore.
It's release of things I've shared
Talking alone won't leave me square.
The even corners of my shape
Twist and shift each time I contemplate
With the joys I've lived to the marks I make.
You know me well
You've felt me shake.
I don't really think your intentions are fake.
Nor am I in disbelief that you can't relate.
The thoughts I have
The choices I make
Are the reasons why I'm in this state.
You've witness my smile becoming rage
For no reason at all and that's why I wait.
I know that you want to take care of me
But let me take a crack at it first and see
If the **** in my past can stay behind me.
Let me be there for you
If loving me is your job then let me in on it too.
I know you lift, bro
But it doesn't mean you have to lift me too.
Let me love you the way I know.
You're stronger than me
And I'm adjusting to that.
Being loved by you is intimidating as crap.
It's getting to the point where I can't take it back.
If I lose you too, I won't have jack.
If you worry then I crack.
Baby, please, put your mind at ease.
You're the reason why I'm still ticking.
Knowing you on the other side of things
All you need is a day in advance just in time to catch me.
You're not fading or diminishing in my memory.
Because when I'm thinking of you
It's certain you're thinking of me.
We've both had words hidden secretly
Found angrily by our families.
You're free to read mine as you please.
No secrets from you.
No secrets from me.
It's exactly the reason why I'm functioning.
So love, put your mind at ease.
They're only words pouring out of me.

Tangled up again...I couldn't keep myself from the haze and lift that it brings me. I channel thoughts. Giving my addiction excuse to focus on one thing or nothing at all. I could do both. The bowl in my hand is fading. Knuckles bleeding. Stomach wrenching. A life left me. Expecting it to leave maybe 8 months from now but things change. So do people. Let the smoke fill the space between my ears...take me to my little boy. Let me see his smile in my mind. I need it after tonight.

Losing sight of love and this was one I crippled myself for. I loved him for 7 years of my youth. My sparring partner and greatest obsession of the opposite ***. He taught me how to take and give a hit. In more ways than one. Denounced Mormonism and traded it in for something that I thought would last longer than faith. Futile love is always the craze in any generation. Who was I to deny that right of passage? See where I'm getting at?

First to fall for and first to chase. This boy and I took refuge in each other's warped sense of affection. He loved others, of course, while keeping a watchful eye on those I would converse with. They could look but not touch what he had claimed as his. And I was, for all intents and purposes. He was my first for it all. His eyes were the first to glance past the baby fat and crooked teeth. His voice was the first to laugh at the awkward things I'd mumble out. He'd tell me that he loved me before I was pretty.

I became pretty? In the mind of who I imagined to be flawless. Even in the spiraled trap of puberty, he was coveted by the raging hormones of all teenage girls. I wasn't spared. Yet, grateful that I eventually could contest with the face I was consistently in awe with. I let him in me when I found myself to be worthy of his complete touch. He waited 6 years so the boy had been through enough to be rewarded by my maiden's head breach.

God, it wasn't what I expected. I ached and squirmed but not out of pleasure. It hurt worse than getting kicked in the face. I struggled, asked for patience and found that he could choose not to hear me. And out of love, I bit my tongue and closed my eyes. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Turns out the things I tried to forget from childhood resurface in the most familiar ways. Felt the same but different face. Smell of sweat and iron grip. I braced myself to keep the memory in and I managed.

After that it was no more than just a rip. Healing took faster with each ****** of desire he blessed me with. I know I sound like an idiot. Only because I was back then. I also cringe at who I was. Thinking of forever and the like. Blah blah blah. He filled me with more than just his light. Unknowingly accepting it. How could something as sturdy as latex tear? The mystery of the century.

Right around the time he lit up my first joint was about the time I came down with an illness...of sorts. His magic cure was herb. Helps with the nausea. I puffed and held like a champ. Never coughing and receiving the initiative background laugh. I was apart of his pack now. Who needs family anymore when you surround yourself with strangers with an itch and a twitch that can only subside with powders and pills? I could be one of them. Scars and bruises already proved me in.

They never saw a chick hit the way I did. I had the humor of a brother and the swing of a boxer. Perfect combination of a couple. He would show me like a bleeding trophy and I stood proud to be his. Until the sickness got worse. You could guess why. Took me by surprise when the *** stick sentenced me to impregnation. I remember being in shock but smiling none the less. Not even 18 yet and was going to have his namesake in my belly.

Still, I knew him well. Loved and accepted him all the same but...I knew how that game was played. I was pro choice, but loving the child too much to choose that alternative, I saved as much till as I could. I would make a break for it and tell no one. Nothing in my minor name so it'd be easy to leave without a trace. And telling him was already made clear as a bad decision. I would do what had to be done...run to have a chance with my son. I always knew he'd be a boy. Overjoyed and I named him prior to him fully growing. Dillon Quinn Lane. It was perfect for who I'd guide him to be in my imagination.

A month passed without showing and my bank account looked less empty. Downsizing slowly the belongings I had to make the extra cents rise a little without doing the same with my parents suspicion. Or his. Kept my distance as much as I could considering the life I had been recently welcomed to. Confided in one person...it should have been less than that. Word travels fast but I didn't give blunt details and I was safe in saying maybe and not definite. The one I loved wouldn't have any part of it and I would ask for nothing. Turned out his fear started to churn to reclaim his youth before I'd steal it away.

Confronted. Denying and screaming louder with each pulse of sound. He suspects my womb to have opened for vacancy and I show him my ******* in response. That's all the answer he needed without a solid statement from my end of things. A fist to the gut....
No...
Hunched over, cradling who was too small to cradle. Too blind with tears to see the stairwell. He nudge and gravity did the rest. Classic miscarriage. I guess we went as far as we could go in this relationship. I thought quietly at the bottom of those steps.

Afterwards, I gave myself permission to lose my mind. Joined the **** life for fun but now I lived it to die. Tried anything I could get my hands on and grieved numb. Small stretch marks left behind from my little one...he left a small part of himself on me to love. Dillon Quinn. His conception was wanted by only one and I would loved him enough for 100 or more.

Every year around this time I think of him still. Curly hair? Crooked teeth or straight. Would have just turned 6. I now realize the life I wouldn't have been able to give and still I'm wishing and willing him to at least live. Reincarnate to others. Both a mother and father who loved him like no other child could fathom love. He would deserve it after what his previous parents had done. And now I'm too scared to even try again even on purpose. Feeling like I betray him when I don't speak his name aloud.

Clearly, I have some issues to steady out and stabilize. I'm a cynic now and most things I've done and seen no longer phase me to drama. I know who I am and I don't plan on becoming anyone different. Still, if you see a little boy like mine, tell him mommy says hi.

Waking thoughts
Lyrics to a song
Shuffle through the playlist
Find the perfect one.
Too many can describe
My mental alibi
So I just take a little time
For the lyrics to fill my mind.
Growing up there was no blue sky rhyme
Metallica, pink Floyd and the cure
Were the ones to describe my youthful shrine.
Older plays
Took some blues away
How is it that I wasn't born
In the Woodstock age?
The doors, temptations, Jim Croce
Carol king
God! It's so godly when they sing.
Then I had to hit that puberty
Like a brick to the face
Picking out my own musical taste.
Adema, korn, Dresden dolls, tool.
Stone sour, shinedown, nine inch nails
Stone temple pilots and more as well.
Give me lyrics that could scream
All the screaming out of me.
Little did I know that in my scene
I thought my music was defining me.
I'm not music. Just flesh and bone
Maybe I should expand my treble tone.
Throw some chicks in there, you know?
No one should have a song on repeat
And have that be the song you hear when we meet.
So I searched for some musical relief
I enjoy a good scream sometimes
But that's not all I breathe.
Some motion city, say anything,
Yeah I like akon, lady sovereign,
A perfect circle and deftones
Classical Mozart and Beethoven makes me feel right at home.
Silver mt Zion, some Phillip glass,
Michael nyman, now I've achieved some class.
Pink when I feel like pop or brass
Punch guys in the **** cause I'm a chick
Hell yes!
No not really. The **** part, I mean.
But I actually really do like pink.
Jon Bon jovi or Otis redding
When I want to think of this guy that I'm loving.
I might have lost track of the lyrics I was originally thinking
But with my selection I'm derailing
With musical tasting.

It's strange to see the female form
The personalities they've developed out of the norm
The way they speak
They're actions weak
Falling into the mold as someone meek.
They try to rile up to the idea of strength
Doing things unladylike and less like a saint
Swearing like sailors and keeping up drink for drink
Agreeing with the stupid **** that men tend to think.
But screaming at bugs and making belligerent scenes.
Makes me wonder how I turned to be
Not like a lady
And not like male majority.
Hit like a girl?
I hit like a brick
Who carries a knife or a gun?
That's the guy's job
Not the chick's.
Most will assume
I have more guy friends then girls
Because I'm permiscuous
And without a clue.
Trying to find the next masculine thrill
Let them into my pants
Because I'm on the pill?
That makes me invincible, right?
If I can't get knocked up
You're up for some fun tonight?
I avoid guys of that type
Cause that encourages the ******* female stereotype.
I'm no feminist
By any stretch of the imagination
I shave my armpits
And I hate petitions
I love cooking
And chick flicks on occasion
But I have a habit
Of acting above my station.
I talk freely about *******
I watch ****
And I listen to the metal rock sensation.
I bleed without hesitation
Wether it's on cutting my fingers on accident
Or my monthly menstration
I go to my job
To ******* work
Not to show up and whine
And allow my duties to shirk
You can't earn something
Without working for it first
So if you're lazy and broke
You deserve it, dumb ****.
I don't assume that I get what I want
With a bat of my eyes
I don't think I'm the apple in my father's eyes
I only manipulate
To get the attention away from my sight
I feel sorry for those gentile lies
That I'm supposed to own power
Because of my breast size.
If I'm blunt then I'm a *****
Too quiet then a ***** doormat
Too funny then I'm annoying and try too hard
Too boring then I'm a ***** with no substance.
I've cast these judgements
Of fellow girls alike
They act all tough
Until it's time to fight.
Grow out your nails
Put your earrings to the side
Talk a big talk
Then run from the blight
Acting like the bigger person
To cover the fright.
Don't start ****
If you don't plan to swing
Then your big words
Don't mean a ******* thing
Stay behind my back when you talk about me
You know better than to say it in front of me
A flick of my blade
A flash of my eyes
You wouldn't last long
Considering my size
If I have something to say
I'll say it to you
Because I know there's nothing you're going to do.
I won't waste another thought on you.
Live up to your anatomy
Leave mine up to me
You'll find that your substance
Is only false imagery.
Not all girls
Are like what I'm describing
But the lack of female rationality
Is the reason why we're constantly destroying
Our good names.
Don't be a man
Don't be a ****
Just be what you think
Be what you want.
Just because you have the power of the hole
Doesn't mean you have to act like a dumb *******.

Do you hear me?
Is my voice mature enough to articulate my plea?
Should I wait a year or two for my basic right of explination?
I'm sure being so young entitles me to draw attention to myself,
And forget my place in your most complicated world.
So forgive me for the assumption that the past you leave behind
Is the future I'm about to command with my inexperiance.
Instead of teaching me, you choose to neglect.
Instead of preparing me, you choose look down upon and degrade me.
Instead of acknowledging me, you choose to medicate me.
You gave me a false sense of entitlement and then punish me
For your mistakes.
Do you see me?
Does my face have the careworn scowl that yours now carries?
Are my eyes still carrying the innocence that you regret losing?
Don't fret for me then
Because it will soon fade.
The hope that I carry within my smile
Will soon mimic the dissapointment in yours.
I am your child.
I am your student.
I am your caretaker when you are old.
I am your future leader that will stand in your place.
I am encouragable and thirsty for when my voice carries weight.
And when my face grows with the ideas you have placed in my head,
Then you have no one to blame but yourself when your voice goes mute.
You'll be wanting for attention
And my response will be that of rememberance of when I was a child.

Last game played
Pull out the board
Keep those hands moving
Triple letter score.
Spell it out for me
Squares on the floor
What the hell can I spell with a Q?
Got any vowels? I need some more.
Have any words you want to say?
I promise I'm not keeping score.
How about a profane adjective
About my character?
No? Alright...
I guess we'll keep the game short.
Do you think placing letters down
Suffice as a conversation?
At least, in your case,
This one will have a winner.
Remember when we didn't have this game?
We didn't need it either.
No spelling or arranging or tiptoeing around the letters.
There were hardly any punctuations
No exclamation or a comma.
No etceteras or periods.
Just the blatant expression of yourself and I
And now it's come to this.
I guess you won again.
This game gets shorter each time.
Maybe we could play again?
Maybe I'll get the words right.
No...
Alright, that's fine.
Maybe some other time.

You speak first
I'll listen intently
What's in the box?
I'll open it gently
The creases are wound tight
But the container is bulging
I'll gladly release
What's bound in your psyche
Our scars are alike
The timeline just placed separately
Our hands both broken
Together we're filthy
In our eyes
We hope for innocently
But we know better
We've seen where this is going.
What's in mine, you ask?
I'll share reluctantly.
Fumble through words
And phrase so clumsily
To piece a thought
And a feeling together recklessly.
You wonder more each time
I voice myself what I think to be
Completely.
And now a stand still
Mirror images waiting for the other to blink first.
Our fingers tremble on the trigger
Held lovingly against our heads
Either you, or I or both
Die this instantly.
What's in my brain box?
What's the absent of emotion you try to assume?
Do I stay this calm
Once you've exited the room?
Is my pulse and flatline
Too hard to handle?
Do I confound your resolve?
Am I a prize on your mantle?
Are you not satisfied
When I revert my eyes?
I can stop staring
Whenever you like?
I remember once saying
One day it won't be enough
To want companionship
And then it being something you couldn't trust.
Has that day come?
Shall I store you as well
Inside my brain box?
Through music and words and pictures now documented
That you exist in my world
Of mere false images
You've played your game well
You stepped inside my hollow shell
And filled it with your memoirs
Of your own private hell
Bouncing around and entangling yours
With mine as well.
I may not feel much
And my mimic to do so maybe slightly out of touch
And loving is just another one of those crutches
I love many
Too much
And this race to my heart
Has left it hardened and crusted
And now my brain box has no bottom
Things just fall out
And those who can't fathom it
Tend to walk out
So why the need to know what's inside?
You'd know your brain box better than I would know mine.

It takes a minute to hear your voice.
To place a dream and waking willingly apart.
I turn and search for a rectangle device
That's been left burning all night.
"Wake up baby"
Electric sounds.
I turn and curve at his gravitational sound.
Lift it in my hands to see
My waking love
Waking me.
I should worry about radiation
That's pouring into me.
But he's worth the worry
Just to see.
"Tell me all about your dreams"
Still foggy I comply
And let the poison drip out of me.
He moves from room to room
And he carries me.
While I lay in bed and follow.
"How many eggs? 4 or 6?"
And I make a choice for his nutrients.
5 isn't right cause it's uneven.
46 is way too much.
I choose a moment and smile at him
While he stirs the contents of his cup.
A glance from clocks to me
Debating on wether he should leave.
"Don't be late or stay with me?"
But staying means more radiology.
I fall in step with his morning routine
Without ever moving from my waking scene.
I kiss the screen and he kissed me
Voicing love so lovingly.
Reconnecting every morning.
I'm sure it easy when he's snoring
To let the device burn all till morning.
I fell asleep with his face in my hand
Though, I could not touch and I could not grab.
"I call you when I'm driving back. I'll see you later on tonight. I love you, sweety. Have a good day"
And then we wave and press a red button to start our usual days.
And never moving once,
The pillows I bury my face in go flat.
I dare not fall back to sleep.
Because on my device he might message back.

There's a sense of claustrophobia
But not within a box.
When left to myself for too long
I become afraid inside my skin.
And it's almost poetic
Because there won't be an expansion of space
My skull confines what thoughts stir within.
Inhale...EXHALE!
Take too many breaths and I choke.
I choke on the aprehension of never escaping.
And yet, I'm afraid of leaving.
Agoraphobiatic enough to stay exactly behind the threshold.
My eyes are the doors to these fears.
You could never tell it in my face, however...
Because I'm scared of you more than I am of myself.
I'll mimic and agree.
I'll put on a show in a way that you would never suspect
Yet behind my act of egomania
I withdraw myself and present to you another.
Who is braver than I could ever be.
I am my phobia.

Take a look
What do you see?
Maybe cross your eyes
Then look more closely
Do you see what I've been portraying?
Has your view
Been askew
So now you see more clearly?
Has my visage and form
Come together now?
I've been this all along
Although, I don't know how
Perhaps try again later
When your mind has had a rest
It not something worth seeing
When my confidence chooses to digress.
It's easier to ignore
When I make a fool of myself
You see the tattered humor
But not much else
A smile
A joke
A laugh
A hoax
A false account
Of what you describe
Because I'm someone less funny
Behind my own eyes.
I ****
I choke
I scream
And provoke
I use
I abuse
I tend to seem gentle
But I fake that too
The illusion is
I act just like you
Between the folds
Of good intention
And generosity
Is something else lurking
Less able to act empathetically
My friends can be counted
On fewer fingers than foes
But I have but two hands
And that's the way it goes
A pillar of control
But addicted to addiction
I love to touch bodies
But secretly hate the friction
And now you stare like I've nothing to show
My optical illusion
Like I would want you to know
The thrill inside if me grows
Of taking and ******
Your opinion that clearly shows
And it all thanks to you
I suppose
When you said fake it till I make it
I embody clear responsibility
But look closer
I'm full of ****

She feels too little
He feels too much.
They meet in the middle
Only one mimics touch.
He says he loves
She says that too.
He asks, "do you mean it?"
She replies, "of course I do"
He compares her soul to the beauty of life.
She makes him a sandwich
Convinced it will suffice.
He grabs her hand and places a ring
She smirks and shrugs and says, "sure thing"
He wants an argument and a play of words
She looks out the window as nothing is heard.
He brings home gifts and recited affection
She portrays acceptance and calls him perfection.
She is the poetry that pours out of his mind
He is the man she chose to pass the time.
Hand in hand they both look fine.
Others envy the farce, they shine.
One believes it true
The other knows it's a lie.
The sociopath and the poet
A oddity at best
He loves her more with each second passed
And she can only love him less.

I'm always drawn to the silent kid
Pushed far back in the class.
Grungy hair, never cut back
Flipping his pencil in the air.
I thinks it redeemable that no one knows
Where he came from or where he goes.
It simply goes to show
That he keeps to himself and my curiosity grows.
I don't pine or crush or stalk him though,
I don't know him aside from the hoody logo.
The one he wears days in a row.
And when the teacher called him to speak
His voice was low but hardly meek.
Like a tone that no one hardly shows.
He rarely uses his voice to vocalize prose.
But when he spoke of religious concept
I could hear his sarcastic intellect.
"I don't believe but I accept. It's just a thought of perceptual inept."
That's when I knew I had to neglect
My learning endeavors and speak to this gent.
Inching closer to his desk
I start off slow and ask his opinion of certain text.
He broke his stare and turned it to me
Almost disbelieving I could see past his cloak of invisibility.
Very wary and abruptly short
He told be to turn around.
My brain screamed "abort!"
I lost this one but he was unaware
That we still had a few hours left in there.
And in his silent stubbornness
I simply sat and told him this.
"If William Blake was all devout then in The Tiger why was he calling God out?"
The boy rolled his eyes at me
"Did he who made the lamb make thee?"
Of course he did!
I already knew
That just for a second I was getting through.
"He wants to have the unfailing faith without getting whiny with trials and disbelief."
This took me aback and challengingly seethed,
"If you're defending him then why do you disbelieve?"
He raised his eyebrow in confusion, almost enjoying me
"Hey you're the one who first asked me? Don't ask me a question then mentally ***** at me."
I held back a smile and could instantly see
This shy kid and I would get along perfectly.
The he retorted first asking me,
"You're not some kind of Jesus freak?"
Laughing uncontrollably, I breathed,
"Of course not. Never touched the stuff. Grew up religiously but that was enough. God has my infancy but my adulthood belongs to me."
Then he stopped and looked at me...
I earned a smile
What a blessed sight to see.
And then we sat there together
Silently.
We waited days to exchange names
Though he was my shy kid
And I his crazy dame.
Conversing over theories
And explained
How ours were better.
"No, yours is lame."
We chuckled in the back of class
Quite content for the time to slowly pass
Borrowing pencils
Ripped pages from binded rings
With silent words scribbled
That we were quietly passing.
Never speaking of our other lives
Outside this class of mutual lies.
Just two hours of acceptance thrives.
I use him and he used me
To create a silent under towing
Of our ideas so different and refreshing
It was our home we invented without moving.
This shy kid and I
I can't explain
If you had one to yourself you wouldn't complain.
How honest and blunt you'd never expect them to be.
Go talk to one
You'd be surprised to see.

I remember all the "chosen ones"
All the ones that caught my eyes
I recall all of the villains
And the classic "nice guys"
I remember all the Romeos
The seducers and wooers alike
I knew all the "we're just friends"
And "love you like a brother" types
I remember all the gentlemen
The ones who held the door
I'm branded by the cretins though
And made of me a *****
I remember so many of the talking boys
The ones who needed to vent
They'd knew I never slept at night
And converse until the blackness was spent
I remember all the heartbreakers
And those few that never left
The randoms that came sneaking in
The ones who thought they knew best
I remember the wishful thinking
And the craving to catch your eyes
I acknowledge the reluctance of letting you go
And at times I never tried
I remember the lessons
And I repeat the mistakes
There're so many fish in the sea
And I only have a lake
Please remember that I loved you
Or I did the best that I could do
And if there's a part of you remembers me
Just know my memory is perfect too

Doom and gloom
You would assume.
Jaded to a fault.
Hate my parents
Hate my life
Blah blah blah
But on a sarcastic note,
There are things I feel
I should inform,
This society of faceless prose,
I'm actually quite unoriginal
And awkward as far as I go.
I fall a lot
I laugh even more
I'm obsessed with a lot of musical scores.
I can draw and play stringed wood
I'd love to dance...
If I only could.
I love the elderly
And the habits they keep.
I love little kids
And the way that they creep.
I'm prone to an unexpected collapse
Of thoughts and rationality.
The color red
Tickles my fancy.
Mac and cheese is a classic dish of mine.
Cheesecake makes my sweet tooth rot.
And I think three toed sloths are out right FINE!
No, they really are! Check them out.
They're my spirit animal without a doubt.
I like to look up cats on YouTube.
And I'm obsessed with SEGA genesis too.
I enjoy a good calorie burn
If it means getting off the couch for the tv channel to turn.
I'm not fat but I'm not thin
I'm too lazy to notice if that smell is coming from me or the trash can.
I don't like mirrors or olives that much.
Brussel sprouts are also included in that bunch.
I converse with myself until I get caught
By people thinking I'm talking to them
When I'm not.
Disney movies, **** yes please!
Favorites are hunchback of Notre dame and Hercules.
Sandman comics and Calvin and Hobbes
Are written in my nightly dreams.
Don't like coffee and I don't like tea
But red bull makes my eyes twitching.
Vanilla is my favorite smell.
I don't like chocolate all that well.
I talk too much about nothing at all
And when it comes to love,
I love to fall.
5'2"...yes I'm shorter than you
I'm well aware of it when reaching for things too.
I dye my hair and cut it myself.
It took a lot of bald months
To have it this fancy and lucious.
I get a lot of looks while driving the scene
When a baby doll like me is blaring slipknot, Metallica, pantera, or coheed.
I'm nearly 25 but look 17
And I still have a soft spot for shel Silverstein.
Neil gaiman is my main man to read
And his wife, Amanda Palmer, has created my favorite music scene.
I used to wear a lot of black
Until I graduated high school and said
"The hell with that."
Colors aren't as bad as all of that.
I like my knives and my stuffed animals just the same
Strangers things I'm crazy
Crazy people think I'm sane.
I'm a hippy as far a fashion dreams
Bell bottom pants and worn out band tees.
I have more guy friends than girls
And I think it's getting me in just as much trouble.
I thought I was gay once
But japan made me sure
When approaching a drunken *******
I couldn't even touch the guy or the girl.
So I declined, my eyebrow confused and creased
Turned that ******* into a twosome
And left them in peace.
I design tattoos and have a few of my own
Based on comic books as my arms would show.
I'm a bit of a nerd but there are worse things to be
Now you know I'm kind of perky
Do you still like me?

Impossible to think
But it's all that I can do
A life in me
Came from the love of you
Tell you first
Of what could be
Expecting fear
A hesitant scene
Thinking too much of good
Can eventually lead to too much of a bad thing
The sick feeling
The smile on your face
The google search of symptoms and a trace
Of hope
Win win
Lose lose
It's hardly a dream I'd wait to choose
Talking of moments
If it all came out true
Timing is bad
But when is it not?
When it comes to us
We tend to move through those spots
Faster than we have time to think
Letting our words settle
And allowing our love to sink
Into me
Growing
Holding
What could be an image of our family.
The one we crave so desperately
Taking part what was once you and me
And creating a third
Both of us fitting into one small person
So perfectly
Asking if I'm scared or excited
Knowing you'll be there
Regardless of what's decided
This little thought left my brain ignited
Into fractures of images that can't be forgotten.
I see the way your eyes light up when you hear her name
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
That song has right to have fame
Taken from stars
And giving a name
This non existent child
Who has your humor
And my small frame.
My eyes
Your smile
Some pigtails
And dimples
A personality of innocent wonder
And perhaps a little brother.
Made by us and no others.
What if this is who we're meant to be?
Not just lovers to each other
But guardians of these children with me.
What if our hopes don't just exist in our dreams?
If we can touch them
If they are as perfect as we see
Tangability
Right at our finger tips
We could always do what we feel is right
Or instead we can do this.
Cause being upstanding isn't as great as it seems
We've both tried it and we drove ourselves crazy
Unless it's the insanity that we create.
So let's make some more
They'll be better at it without debate
Cracking us up
And holding us down
Driving us nuts
When they make that suspicious silent sound.
Hearing their staggered steps around
When they learn to walk on the ground.
What if this is who we're meant to be, sweetheart?
For each other
But more for them to be apart
Of their lives that we constantly talk about.

I remember clearly
The night he ended up proposing
It was late and he was sleeping over
Till his new apartment was getting ready to sign over.
We cuddled and talked
And I decided to walk
Back to my room where my sleeping would start.
My phone buzzed and I looked to see
It was his text asking
"Come back to me"
Down the hallway
Was too far of a journey
And at the end he was down on one knee.
Sleepy resolve in my brain thought he was searching
For something in the dark and he was working
To find it.
Turns how he was looking
For my hand and found my eyes
Then asked if I would spend my life
With him.
How to answer a 3 am inquiry?
Was he really asking me?
If I say no then it could break
The progress I worked so hard to make.
Still in darkness I agreed
Knowing that I couldn't find anyone better for me.
Who else would look at me so lovingly
Promising me to never leave?
That's the problem with suddenly feeling
When you do, you do it negatively.
Pondering extensively about your worth
And the other options in life could be worse
Then being wedded to a man
Who vowed to love and always stand
By my side until the end.
Who I could consider my friend
And not just the nicest guy I've made love with.
My past was sketchy and here was my chance
To erase the roughness of that sketch.
I prayed to make the best of it
But god forgot to listen, I guess.
The things I confess
Isn't out of innocence
It wasn't god that ruined my faith
In a sense
It was me
And I take full responsibility
Of where my fearful actions took me.
So we add libbed an engagement ring
From a local food lion vending machine
I had no use for diamonds or sparkly things
From someone to prove their love to me.
Being loved should be proof enough
All the rest was material stuff.
Once word broke out that I was engaged
I lost some friends that I had from back In the day
The guys who I collected hearts from
Crawled out of the wood work and then begun
To whisper memories of them and I
They sprinkled the magical "what if" dust behind my eyes.
Some I was devistated to leave behind
They were a huge part of my life.
Lose the ring or say goodbye
To everything we brought to light.
The friendship, the comfort, the lengthy nights
Filled with the conversations that got me by.
I found myself alone during that time
My fiancé had me all to himself and he said it was his right.
No one else should catch my eyes
Regardless of those he spoke to
Ex loves of his life.
It seemed fair and I couldn't disagree
That the ones I had love had many times misled me.
Preaching love eternally
Then turning their backs when my heart would bleed.
No one else could possibly love me
Except for this boy who was taking me.
Part 4 is when I gradually declined
From a petchulant child warrior
To a ***** peeing herself behind the firing line.

He thumb is green
He grows a lot.
Wether it's in age or flowers
Or weeding pots.
His dog is about as as gray as he
And they shuffle around outside
Shuffling.
He keeps his time well to himself.
No use for material wealth.
Keeps up his ride
Each Saturday at noon
Goes to church every Sunday with his wife
How cute.
Picks out the litter outside my porch
With his quiet little stroll and cane
While I smoke and watch.
We had a conversation about music once
About Simon and Garfunkel, Skeeter Davis, and the Beatles.
He has some ink on his arms from youth
Back when he was fighting wars too.
Military vet
I know cause his wife likes to brag.
He's always asking how my day was met.
And I asking to help
To carry his bags back to his house.
No thanks, I'm fine.
You're so kind to ask.
You don't hear those kind of words from my generation class.
I saw his kids visit only once.
Like gran Torino, he just tolerates the bunch.
Get off my lawn!
With a shotgun in hand.
He'd be so badass had he done that, man.
Always first with his helping hands
Trying to spruce up the surrounding land.
Maybe I would too if he
Showed me how to plant some seed.
My garden is imaginary
But real flowers grow on his side of the street.
The elderly gent in 608
Is someone I look for on a daily rate.
I wrote of him because he's entitled to
Being heard of and remembered too.
But don't tell him you heard it from the chick who lives in 702.

Ode to bill
What a thrill
He makes me laugh till my voice is shrill
I don't need a happy pill
When his face is forcing mine to smile against my will.
Groundhogs day
What a play
On how I feel everyday
Repeating time until it strays
To be the same thing in every way.
What about bob?
Can't you see?
He's making me smirk at MY mental instability.
Baby steps
Fake Tourettes
Getting under someone's skin
And yet
Being loved by all the rest.
Who am I going to call
For the busting of ghosts?
I know a number to dispose
Bill has this **** on lock
As he sarcastically lifts his stock
Of zapping tools and his beige frock.
Zombieland
Of course he stands
Among the living and the ******.
Smoking up with strangers is grand
And replaying his films best moments.
In real life
He appears in random sight
Stealing fries and giving love advice.
Too careless to live up to the lime light
Using his fame to live an extraordinary life.
Oh bill Murray
You're a champ.
I hope to adopt your perspective rants
Make my mind go full blast
Of being the best at being lax.
Monotone and so relaxed
I'd buy him a shot if I had the chance
Tequila despite everyone else's request
Your bar tending skills are still the best.
Feeling laughter rise in my chest
Just keep doing what you do
No one else can contest.

I do not envy the mother you made her become.
Anyone can open their legs and conceive your pretenses of love.
I do not pity the regret you had for ever leaving me for this false emotion...
This desperate grasp of freedom when I held you accountable for what you did with it.
I do not respect that you ran away from the mistakes you made guided with haze and a bottle of cheap resolve.
I didn't break you, so I have no intention to buy your escape out of the cycle that your father left you with.
The child you bore is the only part of you that concerns me.
I pity her face because it bears the remainder of your strength.
I envy her ignorance because she still sees you with unconditional dependance.
She does not call me mother, but I love her still the same
As I had loved you.

I pride myself by my addictions.
The deaths I should have had would make me immortal by default.
And still, I breathe and scoff at it's lagging effects.
You can't have me.
I lay awake alone and thoughtful,
I answer your call at a moments notice.
I leave you be whenever you're done and continue to indulge my thoughts,
You can't have me.
I mark myself as a timeline is marked with lines and events.
My scars could tell a story that I would only know the punchline to.
I color my skin with fantasy and ink to hide the other uglies I make,
You can't have my stories...they're mine.
If I were to smile upon greeting then I would have already lied to you.
If I were to kiss you then you would have fallen.
I pride myself by my addictions and you cannot be one of them.
You can't have my love.
I'll give you a laugh and company without expectations of it being returned.
I'll give you my time and a kind deed or two.
I'll give you a friendship and a wall to hide behind.
Just be warned, you'll want more
And I will not oblidge.
You cannot want me because I don't want you.
Or anything.
I will not take your sympathy or your truth.
I will not take your heart or your push.
I will take your body and your smell
But ******* was never love
And shame on you for not knowing the difference.
I can take your ****** but You can't have my trust.
Now you turn to me with inclinations that I have misled you.
The hurt on your face leaves me annoyed and impatient.
The effects of my drug and my addtictions take hold
And I leave you talking to a corpse that has no use for words.
The dead are silent and patient and will never talk back.
They always wait their turn and never take it.
They limply create a warm illusion
But they're colder and colder with each toss of sound.
You cannot make me warm...the others guys took it from me long before you.
So let it take me back into the ground.
Leave me buried and I'll leave you alive.
A fair trade in my book.
The moment you try to be my savior
Will be the moment I will become your destroyer.
You cannot have my soul, it was mine to lose in the first place.

"Penny for your thoughts?"
You haven't the change.
Too many to count
And it's not worth the asking amount.
Faded shadows of whispering accounts
Surely your cash could be spent on something more wise
Something more tender
Something more kind.
Bills would stack with each word that came out
I'd put you in debt and without an allowance at all
If you keep asking that question, love.
How about a wishing well?
It takes the jingle of jangling coins
Without asking any questions.
Wishes are worth paying for.
Toss it in
Close your eyes
Tell no one
Or else the wish won't come to life.
Make it a surprise.
Unless you have a *** nickel
Fake currency is illegal
Pay me in jest just to tune out the rest.
You only asked to fill the silence.
And when you're gone and I suddenly see
My payment of my words to you
Was just a big rip off to me.
Take my secrets to the grave?
That's easy to do when you weren't listening anyways.
I know how that game is played
Giving to charity with the smallest amount paid.
Resolving it to be a decent trade.
You could have just looked behind the drawer
Between the couch cushions
In the cracks of the floor.
Your not so ******* poor
To pay the price of paying attention for a minute or more.
And those who have good till to pay
Emptying bank accounts just to hear what I have to say
I tell them all to put their checkbook away.
I'm fine
There's nothing on my mind today.
Here
Have some of my spare change
Let me put it in the jukebox in your brain.
Say whatever you need to say.
You'd tell me for free but you know I'll pay anyways.
Just a little something to get by
Here's a penny for your thoughts
You need it more than I.

It's not a matter of right or wrong
Sideways glances push me off my straight and narrow path
Keep them happy
Let them see
The person they wish you to be
Someone less like me
Some may say I'm not a saint
Then again, I never claimed to be
Leave you to your conclusions
Your opinion is fine by me
Give too much
Take too little
Ask for nothing
And over supply the beggars hands
With everything I have
It should be reason enough
For them to let me alone
With the choices I'm free to make.
I don't count my blessings
In time they'll be taken away.
I let the **** of my endeavors ooze out of my mental cracks
Keep my eyes forward
Never look back
Perhaps the road I'm leaving behind
Will help me define
The steps I've taken from time to time
Just because I've let it slide
Doesn't mean I've forgotten every ride
Of every individual thought that wasn't mine.
I'll give you your chance to shine
Even if it's my life that's on the line.
My skin is tougher than you'd like to think
Why do you think I've been able to sink?
Making each step closer with you to the brink
Talking sense to senseless people
Make notions and attempts
I fail myself and them
Shameless in the life I command
I get to play the villain and the friend.
I surround myself with weaker types
For that'll make me stronger by default.
Next to one stronger than I
Means I cannot compare my faults
To their faultless standard.
And who needs that kind of pressure?

To tell you honestly
I lie.
It's easy to do infront of believing eyes.
Those who dont care enough to search for the truth in mine.
Especially to those who have caught me inside of a lie.
A drink and a buzz can get me telling stories that never seen the light of day
And even I would believe that they had happened.
Sometimes it doesn't even matter if my tales are true or false
As long as there are other uses for my mouth and my tounge.
I could be faceless to you.
I tell lies to myself.
I have no problem with it most times
Because I know that they'll be true with time.
And I never get mad at those who lie to me...
Everyone has perceptions of the truth
And for all I know you could be telling it.
Innocent till proven guilty.
Blameless till caught red handed.
Chaste till heard *******.
I mark my lies with a smile and a hint of wit
And brand it with a solid stare.
I've tasted tears and sweat and blood
From your mouth.
Though your lips were upturned with a simple smirk
Thinking that I would never know.
I'm not the detective sort.
I have enough secrets of my own to be bothered with your load.
I'm not intimidated by the truth either.
Most liars can weave facts into their breath
And draw it out without losing air
They inhale and I wait.
They exhale and I believe.
Cause you might be able to tell me something I don't know
And knowing you, I wouldn't know either way.

50%  of marriage is made out of silence.
Sometimes it's too quiet to notice, though.
And we become so used to it
That any sign of my spouses voice almost offends me.
And I love you too much to let you know what I'm thinking.
You ask me countless times,
Like clockwork, "What are you thinking?"
And just as consistantly I answer without giving you a hint.
"I was thinking that I love you."
Begging you to continue the silence.
I forget the reason why it became so **** quiet...
All I know is that it's better this way.
And when we're infront of our friends and family
We silently agree to act as if we were still best friends...
As if we knew every secret and more.
Then we return home and close the door
And turn each other on mute.
Like phatoms chained to a ball of non commital noise.
Sometimes I think my ,"I do" was the last honest thing I said to you.

I'm isolated, suffocated

I can't see straight cause I'm asphyxiated.

Gasping with nothing but space and air

Who thought a surplus of something would leave you dying here.

I stand. I collapse.

I'm begging for any kind of relapse.

I need a pulse a grain of life

Because monotone affection won't suffice.

I clench and grit to voices I've heard.

They're telling me a sercret to a cure.

Not that I'm sick, I suffer from health,

Not that I'm poor, I'm drowning in wealth.

I'm loved but subistitued with nothing that lives.

I'm adored but replaced with nothing that gives.

So what gives?

It took three hits to pull you off.

It took even more to fall from the top.

I'm craving a hit, I'm itching for haze.

I've been fantisizing a joint in my hand for days.

I don't want to be hostile, I'm trying to be chill

But with the large amount of air I've finally had my fill.

I want to cough and hack and fill the burn

And maybe after I'm gone I won't feel the need to return.

I see your face and I've thought on our time

And right now I'd rather be harsh than to always be kind.

You'll throw it down but I'll pick it up

You'll throw the punch but I'll take the touch.

You're the kind of boy who needs to do what he's told

You're not a man when you're acting 5 years old.

She said you can't talk and she said you can't speak

I don't think you're respecting her but I think you're just weak.

And when you're done with her you'll just find another.

You don't want an equal partner you just want a mother.

And you're grabbing your sack as if you have something to show

Well, I've been there and done that and you still have to go.

Your name is a joke

You're made to choke.

The man card that you have in your pocket has been revoked.

And you're standing all tall like you have something to say

I dare you to tell me something I haven't heard anyways.

Trying to treat me like I'm the one who got away

Telling me that what's-her-name doesn't have what I take.

And boy I took it from you

You gave me the "what to do",

I've seen you cry and moan and bleed like they were mistreating you.

And I'll admit and take blame that I kept taking you back,

Cause back then it was me who didin't have the ***** that you lacked.

Finding excuses

And allowing misuses.

Trying to repair the leak from your loose lips.

Cause you have it bad like I had it good.

Living in style but acting like you're from the hood.

Trying so hard to just live it down.

Well you got what you wanted cause that girl rode you to the ground.

And now I'm up river and a couple of oceans from your mess

And I'm still watching you call out like a spoiled kid in distress.

Acting all tough like you've seen the other side of life

Throwing out curses like you're suffered so much strife.

Thinking that it's everyone else you have to fight,

But the joke's on you cause you're the only one who proved everyone right.

And I'm tired of this talk, as if you found the light,

Well that's my tail lights you see leaving you, out of sight.

And I'm probably sour cause I made a choice

But now it's left me nothing as much as a voice.

And I'll probably sit all resentful with greed,

But it always makes me laugh that you're doing just the same as me.

Just kidding.

Morning rise
Stretch the spine
Feel the pop of the breaking line
Resurfacing my present mind
Let it bubble and burst with rhyme
My internal clock is full of wasted time
And still I turn and look to find
The worth of all my past behind
I have no use of paper promises
Currency and it's lifeless uses
Savings accounts leave my memories
Unaccounted
And still I work these back breaking hours
And live a life of clocking in numbers
Seconds and minutes
Hours and day
Weeks and months
And years fly away
Leaving my intentions all the same
If I'm stagnant it would be a shame
Because every morning chime
I awake wishing for change
Insert some new pictures into my mental frame
And as I stand to the occasion
I find myself lame
Looking in the mirror somedays
To see if I have held myself at bay
Teetering from good and bad
As I see my image in disarray
Parting with the games I'd play
Replace them with a more responsible sway
Just tired I guess
Of cleaning the mess
Of picking up pieces
The wounds I would dress
Coddling those who never surpress
Their wants or needs
To my generous caress
Family and friends
Seems to be ever distressed
And still I reach out
My lips, I'd press
It's never a question of more or less
It's only my time and money I choose to invest
Smile through the trials
Grin through the pain
Go to sleep and have the strength
To wake the next morning
And do it again

She's crash test dummy
If her life doesn't exist
It makes the collision that much more funny
In the name of science
And good intentions
She makes men smarter
And inspire their pensions
Crash her once
My love didn't work
Crash her twice
Just by being a ****
Crash her thrice
Cause I wasn't there
Don't crash 4 times
The dummy is out of spares
But it's alright
It's just a test
If I really loved her
Then her life would be a success
No broken pieces
No cracked face
No mixed emotions
Pouring out all over the place
If she were real
The impact would be set gently
If she drew breath
Her lungs wouldn't be empty
She's a crash test dummy
And they move from time to time
Sometimes mine cries
When she's out of the reach of my eyes
Her heart could be damaged
But that's what she agreed
She'll suffer any demolishing pain
If it means the love of me
Though the pain outweighs the pleasure
The sobs outlast the laughter
She can be teary and smiling
And with a combo like that
Makes a human seem so inhumane
So a dummy she has become
My dummy in the least
I test to she if she'll become real
And she never tests me

I guess I've been building up to this rant for awhile. It being too big to write on the fly and I thinking not everyone will share my world/life views, this is being prewritten before being posted. If I even do post it. Now, the purpose of this rant. There are those who say I don't do it enough. Others don't really know me well enough to find that I should. I've been toying around with a lot of life thoughts in my head. Some sounds like excuses for choices I've made and maybe they are. However, everyone has excuses even when they say they have none. Excuses for good and for bad. It varies from religious views to personal relationships. I lack the intelligence of higher learning, so I admit, I do not claim to know everything. I only know my point of view. And I've had it for awhile and it's the only thing I know for a surety about myself. This is written to neither offend or berate those around me. Instead, to give those a better idea of the person I am.

1- religious beliefs: just to get this out of the way first, I'm spiritual but not religious. It's an over used phrase. Not really agnostic because in a small way everyone is. No one knows what exists for a fact. They have their gathered experiences and ideals to come to the conclusion that's seems reasonable enough to guide their lives by. And even when they have those beliefs, no one follows to the letter of it. And that's ok. We are a world of imperfections. From what I've gathered from theology, through out my life, the main 2 things that everything has in common is to
              1-be a good person
              2- be a good person to others.

IF God fails to exist, then that means I am the master of my own life, experience, moral compass, actions towards myself and others. Brought up in a religious house, this was obviously called free will. And I've been painfully aware of it's reality since childhood. Not by my free will but of others. IF God fails to exist, then that means we either choose to live for ourselves or live in the service of others. And the conflict between selfishness and selflessness of those who do express religious beliefs always confused me. I've stopped questioning the place it has in my life because the things I question do not come with answers, only positive and negative influences that I have been taught throughout my life. I, myself, am selfish but I try to live selflessly in order to strive to be a good person in my mind. This brings about drama but joy as well. I see it as a way of being whole spiritually. Light and dark must coexist in order for all thoughts to take root into actions. Without light, anyone trapped in the dark will not be able to fathom joy, love, compassion....basically empathy. The dark holds only the opposite. Yet, without the dark, anyone living wholly in the light will seem too naive to trials and being able to truly understand how hard it is to find a glint of light in a pitch black situation. And, if no one is aware of themselves, they will most likely choose one or the other. Never both. I strive to encourage the light and face the dark. As a spiritual person, I'm grateful. I have moments where the trials of my own life and that of others tend to lead me down to the dark corners in my head but knowing the light I have a chance of weathering it the best way I can without being consumed by it. Those who have done this know it's never an easy feat. I believe that I must be all things in order to be whole. Good, bad, happy, sad...if I lack but one thing because I feel that it serves no purpose, then I feel I would have cheated being myself.

2- Love: like faith, this is simply an emotion of perception. No one idea of love is the same. And everyone holds love in different regards with different people. Some believe that once you find love in one person, that should be shared with that person alone. Monogamy, friendships, family. All creatures of a constructed idea that loyalty is the root of love. And as beautiful and trying that is, I cannot believe this is so. I believe love to be a necessary virus. That we are born with it to spread to those who need it. To those who crave it. To those who have yet used their own idea of love and desperately crave someone else to show them the description. Not just sexually but unconditionally. And this creates conflict of the soul. Especially when we force our minds and suppress our hearts to show that love on one singular facet. To love is to lose oneself completely in the possibility that it's vast and it's easy to get lost in. Moments of infidelity. Moments of torn emotional turmoil plays it's toll. Picking who to love and why you love them and what you would do for that person because you love them is insanity. But we all crave it. I believe that love is made to validate war or at least calm the tremors that it brings about. It's a chemical balance of things we've subjected ourselves to feel through habit and example. We create the brand of love that we give others and we seek that brand in hopes that other have the same or at least similar brand so we can feel the comfort of home with someone else. The feeling of safety, the feeling of rest, the feeling of realness, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of truth, the feeling of comfort, the feeling of life and the feeling of fighting when love is deemed worthy of fighting for. This is my brand. I give it freely with the price that I will be questioned in where my love truly lies. It's scattered about freely like breadcrumbs. And if someone finds me at the end of that trail, I'll be ****** if I created that journey for them for nothing.

3- service/friendship/family: when I was younger, I though friends were the gold of my life. Irreplaceable and unable to be made the same twice. I use my friends to create the persona I've grown since youth. I am those who have love me and hated me. I am those who inspire me and depress me. I am those who fought for me and fought against me. If I feel that I'm flawed I search for others with these flaws. If I can help or even be the catalyst of my friends to overcome their flaws, then I have a shot of overcoming mine. My friends are proof that I'm not alone even in the moments where I wish I was. Even those I choose to be "unworthy" of my friendship, I cannot help but show them the courtesy of friendship. They are the reason why I stay alive in hopes that if I cannot help myself then there are those in need of me....hopefully. My family is, in a way, very tight knit. They are what molded my sense of dedication and perception that I bring into the outside world of society. They are the jokes I tell. They are the tears I've shed. They are the hugs I give. They are the noise I've screamed out of anger. They are the pillars in which I've stood on to weather the strains of being an individual. Wether the examples were good or bad, they were always the educators of my emotions. And there's a bitter sweetness that comes with that. The feeling that one must rise to an expectation and risk the crushing reality that, I alone, may not be able to rise to the challenge. It's hard to break away from those who raised you and create your own family in combined reasons with strangers around you. Or to create a family and come to find out they will only part ways from you after some time. To me, friends old and new, gone or present, they are always family. I could not have pieced myself together as the person I am today were it not for those who willingly gave pieces of themselves to me. And by me, they are loved.

4- Judgements: this one is always a sensitive one for me because I'm guilty of judgement. I've found myself many times giving the side glance at others and feeling like my thoughts are better than theirs. My theory is, if one has enough attention to pick out the flaws and cracks of people then they too possess the ability to pick out the gems in them as well. And it's difficult to do this when one is trapped in their own mind of "what's acceptable and what's abhorred. Homosexuality, deformities, drug addicts, mental illnesses, bad attitudes, poor management in a work force, dumb choices made by friends and family, someone who cuts you off in traffic, worldwide tales made by those who don't want the truth of matters to be revealed, politicians, other races, WHATEVER! We live in a time where life is taboo. Differences are mocked instead of celebrated due to our lack of living outside of ourselves and really put in the time to live in someone else's head. We justify our judgement by feeling so secure that we are always right and that other simply don't know any better. And deep down this makes us angry. Or to me, it does. And it should. We use are judgements as a safety net of our insecurities. We use them to feel that our lives are more significant than those we figure are wasting the time and air we greedily consume. We use it to feel pride in killing others in battle and deem it with a sense of patriotism or a mark of gaining hierarchy in are status but for what? Those who hide behind religious walls will or wealth or self serving thoughts will never know the joy of finding a stranger and making them a working cog in the life we're lucky to have. And it's sad that one must pursue past the nay sayers just to find that voice of reason that tells you, " you're imperfect but that's what I love about you."

Maybe it's the zen influences that I've recently encountered in my life or maybe these are thoughts that I've always had but due to stress and tragedy, I never was able to put this into words. Maybe fear that I know...by my words nothing will change according to my own perspective. However, if you made it this far into reading this, I'm grateful that you did. And I write with the intent, not to change how you think, yet, to make you think all the same. Life is too short and the human mind has too much potential to be wasted on a monotonous life that we believe will grant us happiness. There is so much more out there. And if you don't have the funds to travel or the friends that inspire you or the words that resonate within you, you have a mind that can sense life in all it's forms and all you need to do is use it. I love you guys

Once again
Word binge
Trying to think of some verbal fringe.
Hope I can bring about some wit
Maybe some confessions I'll actually admit.
Perhaps I'll write 4 poems in a row
Have a temper tantrum to throw.
Try to portray someone that I wish to be
Take pride in the fact that I'm being insane but responsibly.
Try to compete with someone who knows more words than I
Anything to move along this sleepless night.
Sit awhile and stare upwards
Talking to myself until it gets awkward.
Give self advice to which I'll never listen
Try to figure out if I really am a Christian.
Pine and whine and rhyme and cry
Comfort myself by writing lies
Delete it all or reconsider?
Does it help or does it matter?
Feel the butterfly under my pillow
My Smith and Wesson blade it's bed fellow.
Alone in what I thought was shared
My wedding bed feeling bare.
Attempting to practice myself as less impared.
Thinking of ways to improve my snare.
Cradle me through
With words and truth.
You don't need to touch me
Just give me proof.
That I'm not alone
In four walls, boxed
While occasionally getting up
To recheck the locks.
Lots of crime down the block
And it's stirring up the gentile folks.
To think all but 6 years shy
I was the one who they tried to lock out at night.
Being the one who went bump with delight.
Begging for the next big fight.
Domestication
My silent destruction
Made my calloused hands soft and lotioned
My scars now turned to thin lines of redemption
That the body survived
But the soul is still in incarceration.
Maybe if I turned my brain
Away from the gravitational strain
Of fighting to stay alive each day.
Most think that ease is easy
That kicking back makes life worth living.
I tried the kitchen and the big screen tv.
I gave a chance to indoor voices
I gave someone else my harder choices.
I let a paycheck define my courtship.
And now I'm soft and feel like horse ****.
Not all were meant for quiet lives.
Some can't just turn off the flame in their eyes.
Some can't forget the memories that deprives
Them of simplistic everyday joys of being alright.
And the price is to lay awake a night
Bickering with myself instead of carousing for a fight.
Knowing that I chose it all
Welcomed it with my arms all sprawled.
It's devistating to find out your *******.
Derping around and never intended
To listen to myself being regarded
With pity as they talk slowly
As if I'm cross eyed and hearing poorly.
By the grace of God I can wipe my own ***
I can feed myself and drink out of my own glass.
Never thought I'd live to see the day
To look so young and feel so middle aged.
******* rants
Letting my fingers dance
On letters with smug little prances.
Title it for me
I won't sue
I'm sure I've probably titled you too.

I knew you once in my sleep
A figment of dreams And stray thought.
You've mocked my loneliness many times
Even though I've welcomed your voice to my mind.
And as I wake, you seem to linger in the day.
You hardly speak yet I assume you wish to keep the cover of daylight.
So I amuse you to believe that I don't detect you inside of me.
Until you betray yourself to speak
And I feel the skipping of my existence that brings me back to those dreams you so rudely intrude.
Now am I to wonder of your ability to be tangible?
Am I now suppose to obsessively search for your traces and clues like a fiend for a fix?
I've taken hit from you once or twice
And although your effect is euphoric,
Your consistency is short lasting.
So don't flatter yourself with your effect on me.
You've been inside my thoughts long enough to know me.
And I do not claim to be perfect but I hurt myself with the intention to be saved.
An obligation you failed complete though I never asked you to.
I do give you the credit of never mentioning it either.
And that made the itch for you dull through time.
Some people were made to be dreams
And to guard the minds of those who wither when they are all alone.
It's bittersweet that I leave you alone now...
But it's what you wanted in the end.
Isn't it?

Look at her
Such a pretty face
Looks like a keeper
But her thoughts vanish without a trace
What is she thinking of?
Who is on her mind?
The emotional fortress that keeps her
In the walls, behind
Could it be a heartbreak?
Or some ****** up action that she constantly finds?
Maybe it's her smile
The way she handles it all
The way she catches herself
Everytime she falls.
It's something that makes you wonder
Something that keeps you there
She let's you walk away
But somehow she keeps you there.
It's a moment between joy
And and the rage she has to face.
She can laugh in the moment of tragedy
And be cold in soft embrace.
You know the one I'm speaking of.
The girl who knows it all.
You catch her thinking off in absence
And deep within withdrawal.
You count among her tears
The marks her face implies
She's seen a lot of happiness
But knows a lot of lies.
She's a trap
And pit of endless draw
She tells you to depart from her
And yet you can't *******.
Or addiction to emotion
When she can't feel any at all.
And yet you sit and wonder
Why you chose to stay.
Did you choose to be with her?
Was she born this way?
Questions you can't answer.
And yet you stubbornly try.
You force to be the comfort
To clear the tears in her eyes.
No.
She's just a cluster
Of many others and you.
Cause she's apart of everyone else
As she is apart of you.
So ******* run for the hills.
Escape to the reaches of peace
She cannot see the peice of you
Cause she never learned to feel.
She mimics and acts
Like she knows what you know
I can speak for the reckless girl.
Cause I am her right now.

Drunken rhyme
Regardless of the time
Things on my mind
Tag a swig
Make them dissapear
Another shot
Another joke
Take a moment
To Swallow the bitter choke
If it's meant to relax
Why do I grit?
Heart flutters
Thinning blood
Warm sweats
Take another one
Everclear
Left me blind
Had to quit
And resolve to lighter substances
Previous scars
Of un remembered drunken endeavors
Leave me lifted
In my own inebriation
I'll catch up
I'll have pace
Just keep me safe
In my little space
Takes a minute
To make me ok
Let me see
Another side
Of where I don't care
Being sober takes it's toll
And so does the drink
I wish I didn't care
What you really think
Just give me another one
Maybe join in the fun
I may be strong
And the liquor doesn't last long
But as long as I'm here
I'll have another shot
Or even a beer
As long as I'm not alone

Anticipate
It's coming soon
Fears in motion
I'll get what's been coming to
Me
Two sided coin
Lands on it's side
Cradle my hopes
It's time to decide
Making certain
That's this time it's a choice I can't deny.
Too far gone
To turn back now
One foot off the ledge
The plummet keeps me from turning
Around
Let it be a quick drop
To the ground
I promise I won't make a sound
Fade in my head
The world that's real
Regardless of how many times I escape it
It penetrates through everything I feel
To forsake a love I didn't plan to steal?
Or the one I promised to embrace at the alter?
How can these truths be altered?
I never planned to falter
My heart was mine to squander.
Telling lies
Prove them right
Diminish any kind of hopeful light
Despite the love I chose to fight
It's easier to hate than it is to try.
I can't reply
I can't retry
Stuck in a rock and an iron maiden
Remove my decision
Sentence me to fading
I never intended to keep you waiting
Hoping that I'm cementing
Something more solid
Than what I've been showing.
That's what I get for knowing
Asking you questions
And you sure as hell told me
Thinking that choosing can be easy
Dying is simple
Just as breathing is instinct
I could have been better
I would have stayed away from the brink
Looking over
Taking cover
All this space
Can cause a person to smother
Any kind of human demeanor
Doing things that should be thought through
But it was always an exception when it came to you.
The home now where my thoughts reside
I keep them caged behind my eyes
They're only allowed to torture me every night
And I know you'll see them from time to time
You can be the strongest man alive
But the weight that buckles me is mine.
I'll hold fast for now, my love
My grip will tighten each time it comes
The waves that push and toss around
My resolve to be safe and sound.
Don't hurry to my side
Don't be responsible for my life
Don't challenge my monsters to a fight
Just stay with me till I fall asleep tonight.
Hold fast, love
Hold tight
If you let go
I too just might

Don't open your eyes
Don't look in the sun
Don't allow your dreams to leave
As quickly as they come
The AM chime
In your mind
Is just a farce
It's still night time.
Don't leave the covers
Don't stir around
If you stay asleep, love
You're easily found
I'll be here watching
Simply admiring
The one that I'm loving
Hoping a dream
Has something to do with me
And when you awake
I'll be what you see.
So stay asleep
Leave the morning to me
I'll fix it so your waking dreams
Become reality

It started young. I suppose that god recruits those with gifts that way. Bouncing back now with his existence in my thoughts, I find myself coming back to one memory. Supposing if I were to deny him completely there was that reminder that I tend to strain my brand of faith with.

Small legs. First in a pool while all others were inside, I thought I could manage the depth of it's water. Young ones rationalize things that way. I swam to six feet when I could hardly touch my toes in three. Started to swallow water and the water started swallowing me.

Frantically kicking
Managed to the ledge
Gripping my fingertips
Slipping them off instead

Too little to consider the thoughts in my head. Panic and blood rushing. All I could smell was the burn of the chlorine. Lapping and splashing to be heard because my voice was drowning already. Swallowing hurts. Then...there was another voice I heard.

"Hands up"
Quiet at first
Could have been a thought
That I knew wouldn't work
"Reach out"
Audible now but still frantic
Gripping at the ledge again
Slip, scrape, sink
Sinking down
Almost calm and mostly tired
"HANDS UP!"
Loud and clear
Bottom of the pool
And I could still hear

Little hands, in a slow moving haste, lifted in a six ft deep prison that could have led me to a six ft grave. Close my eyes and allowed the lull of the sway drift me to another place.

Flashes of light
My hand held tight
My eyes pry open
No one in sight.
Heaving the water out of my chest
Looking around
Still no one to be found
As this little child lay wet and crying on the ground.

I'm indebted to no one to be seen. The debt is now the price of my reality and my dreams. Not knowing if it was God...or the others who chose to save me. All I remember is that's the day "they" started visiting me.

Crazy now
Craving now
Standing by
And bracing now
Shall I stand
Or be forced to bow?
I'm starting
To get anxious now
Bleeding teeth
I'm smiling now
It hurts
But I'll keep on trying now
I'd hate
To disappoint the crowd
But I can't keep it from showing now
Tell me that you hate me now
Kick me back and berate me now
Prove me right
And be a pal
And shut the door behind you now
I'm living hard
And fighting now
I've seen some things
I'm grown up now
If you dare
Just ask me how
I have some stories
To tell you now
Let's have fun and forget it now
I'm not going back
Or even forward now
I'm spinning within myself
Right now
I don't even hear you now
Pick apart my brain
Tell me I'm insane
Give me one good reason
To let me out again
I scratch and claw now
I don't give a **** now
I hide behind my eyes
And I want to be front seat driver now
Beware to those who love me now
You're gunna get the worst now
I'll look the same
Have the exact name
And not even know who's talking to you now
It's only a matter of time now
I've almost worn her down now
Then I'll step in
And release her sins
Upon those who used her now
Come on now
Get ready to play now
I'm not out yet
But I'm warning you now

Why should it matter what I do?
With or without those who scrutinize
My life has never been mine
And they never seem too distressed over the fact I live it for them
Why should I change?
They never do
They boast and rant how their will is strong
While they rob me of mine and my own
Why should I care for myself at all?
I tend to derive my self neglect from their constant want
And demand my constant care
That when they ponder as to why I'm lost in though
It's merely a resting place from their laundry list of praise
Why should I live?
Why should I thrive?
Why should I kneel before any truth
When lies continuously pelt my mind?
Why should I empathize?
No matter what love I find, a hidden fine print is always forgotten to be informed to me
Love me and I'll love in return
But ask for nothing as I take it all
And smile as I deny any semblance of feeling
It's not your feelings that I am enamored with
But the fact that you can listen and not reply
I fall for it everytime
And I glance from the side of my eyes
Willing for the tears to come
But now it's only a practice that becomes a ritual
And the drought of emotion pursues longer still
Let me die young
A couple of decades of good intentions
Is enough to pave my path to a well know destination
Of which I'm sure that I'm headed to
Being an angel for the sake of love could have only brought me so high
So now....I welcome the fall
No more a being with hopeful light
I wish it to be snuffed out
As to discontinue the drawing of those who see it
Like moths to a flame
And once the warmth and bright exterior is at it's lowest
They flee
Wether for good or in their minds
Because I know in their minds
I am not there
I never was, you see
And now I fight for nothing to be gained
When maybe nothing is what I truly covet
And the quiet and thick release will course me down it's waves
And I am crested on a shore
That I've belonged to all this time
Why should I wait?
The answer is still unclear

It's defective,
My brain, that is
It has a habit to a glitch.
It lies, it spies, it can't commit
To one direct form of dialect.
It has a virus
It has a stitch
I tried to upgrade
But Apple's a *****.
It makes my senses
Lag and pitch
A high screeched tones
That splits my lips.
It shakes and buzzes when left on too long
Skips and twitches
Repeating songs.
It makes my body act out without permission.
I flip the bird when it wasn't my intention.
It even has a blue screen of death
When I consume too many alcoholic contents.
It shuts down and freezes and gets hacked into
On occasion.
Changing a password won't fix that situation.
It likes to steal the identities of others.
The clown, the harlot
The concerned mother.
The *****, the snitch
The one who makes you shudder.
It makes the truth into a lie
It's steals the light out of your eyes.
Should I plug it back in
For a little more life?
Or throw some water on it
And let it short circuit fry?
Or let you mess with it
If you have the IT wise?
If you reboot it soon
Maybe you can make it "vroom"
Make it purr and function without a hitch.
What can you do with my cerebral glitch?

You ever have those moments
When you have nothing else to write
But you crave to scream
Into the void
Of words and thoughts
Just to hear others screams echo back?
A blank canvas of rage
And unsaid words
Cluster into your mind
Not meant to be said
Out loud but read
Like a secret laced with poison
The more who know
The more that are at risk
Of never being completely cured
And only when it's dark
Do I begin to wait
To seeth and grit
And contemplate
How much of this life
I truly hate
But Of which I am apart
I'm a working part of it all
And to feel the line of my life
Is to simply tolerate
While others sneer
And show their hate
And to accept that I must live and die
Within the walls they desecrate
Distract, medicate, pay and ****
Saluting my allegiance to a dollar bill
Reality tv is now considered a thrill
And pop and rap overflowing past fill
The idea that rules keep us safe
Just because I told you so
Unless you're a different race
Then the laws are meant for those who can't pay
Cause criminals with money
Somehow always manage to get away
I wish I were stupid
Or brain dead at least
And be completely unaware
Than to witness times as these
It's nothing to write about
Cause you already know
The worlds going to ****
And we're letting it go
As long as we do nothing
Then they'll assume we like it
So **** change
**** hope
**** ever evolving
I'll be dead and rotting
Before they get to solving
And now my rage is echoed in black
If you're in the darkness too
Just echo back

I don't know enough about God
To say that I believe in him.
I don't believe in perfection.
I don't believe in nothing either.
I've heard he's there when I need him most.
I've heard he hears my thoughts and prayers.
I've heard that he watches for my best interest
When I'm fully unaware.
I'm not questioning his existance
Cause I've never seen the guy.
I've never seen my great great great great cousin either...
But I've heard that he was here.
I don't know God's favorite color.
I don't know what makes him laugh.
I've never seen him sad or stuck inside a room by himself.
I've never had a drunken conversation with him
Even though at times I thought I had.
I know he has many books about him
And through words and rationalization
I try to keep myself well informed.
Though, I've never seen his name as the author
Or co-signer of the words...
So his history is fractured as far as the facts about him.
I know he's a family man.
I've heard he cares about his kids.
He lets them do whatever they want
Regardless of wether or not they listen to him.
I heard he used to be angry
But now he's just really quiet lately.
Yet I have no idea when he's spoken for himself most recently.
I've tried to blame him for stuff I've done
Cause those times I couldn't take the blame.
I never blame him for my happiness
Or the moments where I'm calm.
Cause if I truly believed, then I'm sure he'd be responsible for those parts too.
I can't say that I hate him.
Or resent him for being so absent from my sight.
He's a pretty busy guy, from what I've heard.
Same could go for myself, I guess.
I don't really believe in me either.
I make choices that I don't much like.
And I dislike the place where they've led me.
I've never trusted myself with honest things
Cause they intrude on the lies that I tell.
I don't have a set of divine morals
Cause if I did, I'd break them for my bad habits anyways.
I think too little and too much
To pinpoint a belief I could **** and die for...
In all honesty I don't want to **** or die at all.
Still, I like the idea that I don't matter
Though, I'm in no way humble.
I don't believe in forgivness
Cause no one ever really forgets.
I don't believe in science
Cause facts don't prove everything.
I kinda wish I knew him.
See if he's a music lover or a fan of different kinds of cheese.
I wonder if I could prank him and stand behind a wall to scare him into laughter.
I wonder if I knew him, if it would be easier to trust him.
Cause trust is another word for faith...
And I lack it in my arsenal of dreams and open minded thoughts.
And if I meet him at some point in time,
I hope he at least has a sense of humor.
Cause at the end of it all, one way or another,
I think the joke would be on me.

Strive for the best
Live through the worst
Fight off the itch
I'll never come first
Selfishness
Comes with a price
If you're not alone
You have to pay it twice
Reach for a glass of courage
Slap
Light the up the fumes
Slap
Grasp for the knife
Slap
**** out the light
Fine
Awake and confined
No zephyr propelled cloud
To guide my dreams tonight
Look into the dark
Fear myself more than it
Feel what you don't
Hate myself for it
Crave snaps into my brain
****** thoughts in violent refrain
Not just a bad day
I can handle all that
I can only say
I've had nightmares before that
Craze
Frenzy
Thirst
Angry
Wheezing
Groping
Never hoping
Memories pierce
Hatred provoking
I can literally feel myself choking
But you'll be satisfied
If I do it silently
Sobriety makes me wish myself
Into nothing
Live in my head
Not a happy tenant
Force words out into the void
In hopes to be repentant
But I sin more than I breathe
And it difficult when I have no air
Just laying awake and screaming in silence
So not to wake one sleeping near
Guess I'll accommodate
They say they'll accept me
But not my self hate
It's unattractive
And looks poorly on me
Though it's my beings natural majority
I fear it's just a matter of time
When my good intentions
**** up my life

Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Sit back down
****...
Pull the covers back on
****.
Check the web
Fine
Hear some tunes
Alright
Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Empty bowels
Check
Sit in the shower
Oh no
Fall asleep
****
Freezing and wet
Awake
Force myself to shake
Awake
Get dressed and contemplate
Check
Invent a list for the day
Check
Sit on couch
****
Netflix has a new show season
Just a couple to start the day
****
Pull the covers back on
****
Eat something
Check
Walk a dog or look in the mailbox
Move
******* move
Too bored to think
Too lazy to speak
Too drained to creep
A zombie trapped in this house for weeks