Complicate
Penetrate
All my walls
Just let them break.
Love me more than I can take
It's no longer something I debate.
Feel you stare
Fingers through my hair
Let you hold me
Let me care.
Feeling more than I thought was there.
How was it possible that you've been here
All along without me unaware?
Heartache was love for me for longer than I can remember.
I was used to it's customs
I greeted it while holding anger.
Do you see
What you've done to me?
You've ruined me
You made me dream.
Reminded me of the things I love
Let them surface
Accepted them all.
Even all the nasty flaws.
I tried to hide them
Tried to fix them before you saw.
How did you do it?
After all the others who'd been through it?
Suffered the tears and the angry words.
My self loathing and my distant stares
Talking me through when I'm not there.
What can I give you?
What do I have?
To make you so sure that you want this so bad?
The things so pure that you see
Are the things you've unknowingly added into me.
Replacing my apathy, so lovingly,
With more than what I thought I could be.
How could I repay such generosity?
Never changing
Never fixing
Never doubting
That I ever had to act differently
Into someone who fits your ideal imagery.
Never wanting saving
But reluctantly and stubbornly
Somehow I gave you permission to rescue me.
What the ****, baby?
Look at the state of me
I was so used to being dead
Living was just breathing
And it was so easy.
Being stone cold was simple
Compared to feeling.
You saw my tears
My rapid breathing
Waking nightmares
Drunken confessing
Self mutilating
Suicidal repressing
My lack of certain emotions
That I can't bring myself to feeling.
And there you are quietly accepting
Listening and not defeating
The words I say with comforting words
That are often misleading.
Never thought I'd be the one pleading
For someone to never leave me.
Your precious love is more than sweetness.
It's more than blind forgiveness.
It's more than the pretty words and actions you make
It's the things you've seen in me
And still you wait.
Loving the unlovable person
That I had to create.
You molded me into someone with breath.
Breathing life into me with every caress.
Keeping my thoughts in our universe
Whenever they wander, you wander with them too.
Never leaving me alone with them even if they have nothing to do with you.
Fearing nothing and everything at once
Giving me what I've always wanted
A chance
To be who I should have been
Before I became this.
I love you more each time I glance
At your face smiling back.

It started young. I suppose that god recruits those with gifts that way. Bouncing back now with his existence in my thoughts, I find myself coming back to one memory. Supposing if I were to deny him completely there was that reminder that I tend to strain my brand of faith with.

Small legs. First in a pool while all others were inside, I thought I could manage the depth of it's water. Young ones rationalize things that way. I swam to six feet when I could hardly touch my toes in three. Started to swallow water and the water started swallowing me.

Frantically kicking
Managed to the ledge
Gripping my fingertips
Slipping them off instead

Too little to consider the thoughts in my head. Panic and blood rushing. All I could smell was the burn of the chlorine. Lapping and splashing to be heard because my voice was drowning already. Swallowing hurts. Then...there was another voice I heard.

"Hands up"
Quiet at first
Could have been a thought
That I knew wouldn't work
"Reach out"
Audible now but still frantic
Gripping at the ledge again
Slip, scrape, sink
Sinking down
Almost calm and mostly tired
"HANDS UP!"
Loud and clear
Bottom of the pool
And I could still hear

Little hands, in a slow moving haste, lifted in a six ft deep prison that could have led me to a six ft grave. Close my eyes and allowed the lull of the sway drift me to another place.

Flashes of light
My hand held tight
My eyes pry open
No one in sight.
Heaving the water out of my chest
Looking around
Still no one to be found
As this little child lay wet and crying on the ground.

I'm indebted to no one to be seen. The debt is now the price of my reality and my dreams. Not knowing if it was God...or the others who chose to save me. All I remember is that's the day "they" started visiting me.

Forlorn
Heart strewn about the floor
Muscles aching
Waiting at the door
Hoping she could snap and see
Who has the door open for her and waiting.
Be the Titan
The pillar of strength
Knuckles white
The grit on your face
Clenching teeth
One more day
See if you can banish her dismal thoughts away.
Thinking of the right things to say
As I read them clearly everyday.
I know it's futile to fix her mood
But while you play superman
Who's fixing you?
Just because you're strong enough to
You don't have the suffer the lashes she lashes at you.
Not my business
Not my line
I know you'll portray someone who's fine.
Keep it in and smile in front of the lie.
I know better
Cause I'm that girl who's had suitors try to fix her in time.
Nothing to be said
To mend the tracks
To feel the comfort
To make me relax.
And as much as I waited for a salty and blood covered prince
These were all of my problems to fix.
A whirlwind of emotions
Then a blank canvas.
Not that I'm trying to discourage you
Fight the impossible
I've been there too.
I'm hardly looking after you
Behind a screen and looking through
You're not so invisible
That I can't notice you.
Even in the smallest amount
You're not alone in what your talking about.
Just work it all out
In the best way you can.
Broken hearts
Are the hardest thing to mend.
Dearest Frank
Know you have a friend.

"Penny for your thoughts?"
You haven't the change.
Too many to count
And it's not worth the asking amount.
Faded shadows of whispering accounts
Surely your cash could be spent on something more wise
Something more tender
Something more kind.
Bills would stack with each word that came out
I'd put you in debt and without an allowance at all
If you keep asking that question, love.
How about a wishing well?
It takes the jingle of jangling coins
Without asking any questions.
Wishes are worth paying for.
Toss it in
Close your eyes
Tell no one
Or else the wish won't come to life.
Make it a surprise.
Unless you have a *** nickel
Fake currency is illegal
Pay me in jest just to tune out the rest.
You only asked to fill the silence.
And when you're gone and I suddenly see
My payment of my words to you
Was just a big rip off to me.
Take my secrets to the grave?
That's easy to do when you weren't listening anyways.
I know how that game is played
Giving to charity with the smallest amount paid.
Resolving it to be a decent trade.
You could have just looked behind the drawer
Between the couch cushions
In the cracks of the floor.
Your not so ******* poor
To pay the price of paying attention for a minute or more.
And those who have good till to pay
Emptying bank accounts just to hear what I have to say
I tell them all to put their checkbook away.
I'm fine
There's nothing on my mind today.
Here
Have some of my spare change
Let me put it in the jukebox in your brain.
Say whatever you need to say.
You'd tell me for free but you know I'll pay anyways.
Just a little something to get by
Here's a penny for your thoughts
You need it more than I.

He from the motherland
And I a Yankee.
Towered over me
To have a peak.
Thought that I was well bred
Fourth generation white trash,
What was in his head?
Overseas for his highschool learning degree
And he cast his educated eyes on me.
Dabble in some fun, at least.
Tempted to see what would ferment
Plus, what girl could resist that British accent?
He was from an academy
Only the wealthy and upstanding could attend.
I from the public system
With their loud and boisterous trends.
Can't recall how we conversed at first
A friend of a friend
Classic verse.
All I recall is our first meeting
He was taller than what I was expecting.
Saw me and a smiled spread
Took my hand and then he lead.
Horror flick
Of course it was
Dark and close
No intentions lost on us.
We're just kids
There is no rush.
Hands were held
My hair he would occasionally smell.
I kept the Oder of a well baked good
And I sprayed too much
It filled the room.
Drive around
We found his house
Kissing scene
We already spent time talking months before meeting.
It wasn't that we didn't know each other
We just had yet to see the form of one another.
Privacy
We found some shudders
We weren't friends
Or lovers
Can't say that I liked him like a brother
His male intent was unlike the others.
From that day on
We'd hang around
Listening to songs.
Going for walks along
Starlit parking lots.
Two years younger than myself
It was a big deal and I felt
That his attention was a phase of his
When I told him that
He raged and said
"You don't know the way I love."
"You don't see how the other way girls are frauds"
"You think the rich and well to do
Automatically make us smarter than you?"
I didn't have a clue
Standing still in his surprising brood.
Didn't mean to cause offense
I thought I was just making light of it.
And hear his James Bond demeanor snap
Made me reconsider this lad.
Tried to give him solace
It failed
Retorted with
"Aren't you afraid of going to jail?"
My eyes had widened and I laughed
Had to high five him for that crack.
Took it back
Went to the normal way we'd interact.
Prom night on a subtle cruise
"The only one I want to go with is you"
How could I refuse?
Graduated a year before
But what the hell,
My prom ******
And he's hardly a bore.
Dressed up and got ready to go
Then I saw him in a tuxedo.
God save the ******* queen!
How did that find attraction to me?
Still one of my best memories
Of that British gentleman and me.
Never pushing past further than I said
Had those hormones in our heads
But never gave into them
Instead,
We used the back of his jeep to talk.
Of dreams, of songs
Of rights and wrongs
Of tales of who we wanted to be
And occasionally enjoying each other's company.
Turning moments into memories
Some of the best I'd ever seen.
One of the few guys to treat me decently.
One evening
While I was dreaming
I awoke to find my cell phone ringing.
The British were calling, the British were calling!
But this one in particular had been drinking.
Slurring but still sounding amazing.
As soon as I answered
He started proclaiming
"You don't have to say it back to me, but your the girl I find myself loving."
What to do with that.
How do I reply?
Told him to talk to me the next day
When he could see with sober light.
He happily complied
Not regretting a single line.
Didn't take it back and I
Resolved it to being fine.
There are worse things in life
Than being loved by this gentleman's kind.
Not saying that I didn't love him back
But I had demons crawling through these cracks.
Couldn't say out loud
In fact
I never said it all.
Did he hassle me about it?
No
Said his peace
And let it go.
Made ourselves at home
Whenever we were alone.
Adventures in the land of the free
Forgiving me alone for my ancestors dumping all his tea.
And I forgave his ancient monarchy
For not allowing my fore fathers practice faith freely.
Such comparability
Different lives still converging
Once he graduated then
It was time to go back to his motherland.
We both knew our time would end.
Having others in his hands
No fault of his
I let him have them.
The only reason he did, he say,
It's easier to leave them
I'd only make him want to stay.
Understanding
Let's be friends then
We always were,
Then again.
See you off
With your group of friends
Barnes and nobles
Last book binge.
Hug you tight
Walk away
Pull out my phone
Typing away,
"I love you, kid. I hope you don't stay away."
"I love you too, miss"
Replying in his British way.
Kept in touch
Reminisce on random days
My British gentleman
That got away.
Now I come far from that time
We still talk on occasionally lines.
Growing up
And staying fine.
I'm grateful I was exposed
To a gentleman at least one time.

Tangled up again...I couldn't keep myself from the haze and lift that it brings me. I channel thoughts. Giving my addiction excuse to focus on one thing or nothing at all. I could do both. The bowl in my hand is fading. Knuckles bleeding. Stomach wrenching. A life left me. Expecting it to leave maybe 8 months from now but things change. So do people. Let the smoke fill the space between my ears...take me to my little boy. Let me see his smile in my mind. I need it after tonight.

Losing sight of love and this was one I crippled myself for. I loved him for 7 years of my youth. My sparring partner and greatest obsession of the opposite ***. He taught me how to take and give a hit. In more ways than one. Denounced Mormonism and traded it in for something that I thought would last longer than faith. Futile love is always the craze in any generation. Who was I to deny that right of passage? See where I'm getting at?

First to fall for and first to chase. This boy and I took refuge in each other's warped sense of affection. He loved others, of course, while keeping a watchful eye on those I would converse with. They could look but not touch what he had claimed as his. And I was, for all intents and purposes. He was my first for it all. His eyes were the first to glance past the baby fat and crooked teeth. His voice was the first to laugh at the awkward things I'd mumble out. He'd tell me that he loved me before I was pretty.

I became pretty? In the mind of who I imagined to be flawless. Even in the spiraled trap of puberty, he was coveted by the raging hormones of all teenage girls. I wasn't spared. Yet, grateful that I eventually could contest with the face I was consistently in awe with. I let him in me when I found myself to be worthy of his complete touch. He waited 6 years so the boy had been through enough to be rewarded by my maiden's head breach.

God, it wasn't what I expected. I ached and squirmed but not out of pleasure. It hurt worse than getting kicked in the face. I struggled, asked for patience and found that he could choose not to hear me. And out of love, I bit my tongue and closed my eyes. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Turns out the things I tried to forget from childhood resurface in the most familiar ways. Felt the same but different face. Smell of sweat and iron grip. I braced myself to keep the memory in and I managed.

After that it was no more than just a rip. Healing took faster with each ****** of desire he blessed me with. I know I sound like an idiot. Only because I was back then. I also cringe at who I was. Thinking of forever and the like. Blah blah blah. He filled me with more than just his light. Unknowingly accepting it. How could something as sturdy as latex tear? The mystery of the century.

Right around the time he lit up my first joint was about the time I came down with an illness...of sorts. His magic cure was herb. Helps with the nausea. I puffed and held like a champ. Never coughing and receiving the initiative background laugh. I was apart of his pack now. Who needs family anymore when you surround yourself with strangers with an itch and a twitch that can only subside with powders and pills? I could be one of them. Scars and bruises already proved me in.

They never saw a chick hit the way I did. I had the humor of a brother and the swing of a boxer. Perfect combination of a couple. He would show me like a bleeding trophy and I stood proud to be his. Until the sickness got worse. You could guess why. Took me by surprise when the *** stick sentenced me to impregnation. I remember being in shock but smiling none the less. Not even 18 yet and was going to have his namesake in my belly.

Still, I knew him well. Loved and accepted him all the same but...I knew how that game was played. I was pro choice, but loving the child too much to choose that alternative, I saved as much till as I could. I would make a break for it and tell no one. Nothing in my minor name so it'd be easy to leave without a trace. And telling him was already made clear as a bad decision. I would do what had to be done...run to have a chance with my son. I always knew he'd be a boy. Overjoyed and I named him prior to him fully growing. Dillon Quinn Lane. It was perfect for who I'd guide him to be in my imagination.

A month passed without showing and my bank account looked less empty. Downsizing slowly the belongings I had to make the extra cents rise a little without doing the same with my parents suspicion. Or his. Kept my distance as much as I could considering the life I had been recently welcomed to. Confided in one person...it should have been less than that. Word travels fast but I didn't give blunt details and I was safe in saying maybe and not definite. The one I loved wouldn't have any part of it and I would ask for nothing. Turned out his fear started to churn to reclaim his youth before I'd steal it away.

Confronted. Denying and screaming louder with each pulse of sound. He suspects my womb to have opened for vacancy and I show him my ******* in response. That's all the answer he needed without a solid statement from my end of things. A fist to the gut....
No...
Hunched over, cradling who was too small to cradle. Too blind with tears to see the stairwell. He nudge and gravity did the rest. Classic miscarriage. I guess we went as far as we could go in this relationship. I thought quietly at the bottom of those steps.

Afterwards, I gave myself permission to lose my mind. Joined the **** life for fun but now I lived it to die. Tried anything I could get my hands on and grieved numb. Small stretch marks left behind from my little one...he left a small part of himself on me to love. Dillon Quinn. His conception was wanted by only one and I would loved him enough for 100 or more.

Every year around this time I think of him still. Curly hair? Crooked teeth or straight. Would have just turned 6. I now realize the life I wouldn't have been able to give and still I'm wishing and willing him to at least live. Reincarnate to others. Both a mother and father who loved him like no other child could fathom love. He would deserve it after what his previous parents had done. And now I'm too scared to even try again even on purpose. Feeling like I betray him when I don't speak his name aloud.

Clearly, I have some issues to steady out and stabilize. I'm a cynic now and most things I've done and seen no longer phase me to drama. I know who I am and I don't plan on becoming anyone different. Still, if you see a little boy like mine, tell him mommy says hi.