Once again
Word binge
Trying to think of some verbal fringe.
Hope I can bring about some wit
Maybe some confessions I'll actually admit.
Perhaps I'll write 4 poems in a row
Have a temper tantrum to throw.
Try to portray someone that I wish to be
Take pride in the fact that I'm being insane but responsibly.
Try to compete with someone who knows more words than I
Anything to move along this sleepless night.
Sit awhile and stare upwards
Talking to myself until it gets awkward.
Give self advice to which I'll never listen
Try to figure out if I really am a Christian.
Pine and whine and rhyme and cry
Comfort myself by writing lies
Delete it all or reconsider?
Does it help or does it matter?
Feel the butterfly under my pillow
My Smith and Wesson blade it's bed fellow.
Alone in what I thought was shared
My wedding bed feeling bare.
Attempting to practice myself as less impared.
Thinking of ways to improve my snare.
Cradle me through
With words and truth.
You don't need to touch me
Just give me proof.
That I'm not alone
In four walls, boxed
While occasionally getting up
To recheck the locks.
Lots of crime down the block
And it's stirring up the gentile folks.
To think all but 6 years shy
I was the one who they tried to lock out at night.
Being the one who went bump with delight.
Begging for the next big fight.
Domestication
My silent destruction
Made my calloused hands soft and lotioned
My scars now turned to thin lines of redemption
That the body survived
But the soul is still in incarceration.
Maybe if I turned my brain
Away from the gravitational strain
Of fighting to stay alive each day.
Most think that ease is easy
That kicking back makes life worth living.
I tried the kitchen and the big screen tv.
I gave a chance to indoor voices
I gave someone else my harder choices.
I let a paycheck define my courtship.
And now I'm soft and feel like horse ****.
Not all were meant for quiet lives.
Some can't just turn off the flame in their eyes.
Some can't forget the memories that deprives
Them of simplistic everyday joys of being alright.
And the price is to lay awake a night
Bickering with myself instead of carousing for a fight.
Knowing that I chose it all
Welcomed it with my arms all sprawled.
It's devistating to find out your *******.
Derping around and never intended
To listen to myself being regarded
With pity as they talk slowly
As if I'm cross eyed and hearing poorly.
By the grace of God I can wipe my own ***
I can feed myself and drink out of my own glass.
Never thought I'd live to see the day
To look so young and feel so middle aged.
******* rants
Letting my fingers dance
On letters with smug little prances.
Title it for me
I won't sue
I'm sure I've probably titled you too.

Ode to bill
What a thrill
He makes me laugh till my voice is shrill
I don't need a happy pill
When his face is forcing mine to smile against my will.
Groundhogs day
What a play
On how I feel everyday
Repeating time until it strays
To be the same thing in every way.
What about bob?
Can't you see?
He's making me smirk at MY mental instability.
Baby steps
Fake Tourettes
Getting under someone's skin
And yet
Being loved by all the rest.
Who am I going to call
For the busting of ghosts?
I know a number to dispose
Bill has this **** on lock
As he sarcastically lifts his stock
Of zapping tools and his beige frock.
Zombieland
Of course he stands
Among the living and the ******.
Smoking up with strangers is grand
And replaying his films best moments.
In real life
He appears in random sight
Stealing fries and giving love advice.
Too careless to live up to the lime light
Using his fame to live an extraordinary life.
Oh bill Murray
You're a champ.
I hope to adopt your perspective rants
Make my mind go full blast
Of being the best at being lax.
Monotone and so relaxed
I'd buy him a shot if I had the chance
Tequila despite everyone else's request
Your bar tending skills are still the best.
Feeling laughter rise in my chest
Just keep doing what you do
No one else can contest.

I pride myself in the aesthetics
Of my face to my shape
I mask it with humility
So I can grab a bit of your grace.
Vengeful to a fault
I've had my share of someone else's blood on my hands
I smirked as I extract it wrathfully
And destroyed them where they stand.
Immovable without motivation
You can't make me care
Sloths are my favorite breed
To mimic and imitate in their creed.
Say the right kind of words
And my resolve turns into a caress
Make me drip and remove my clothes
Feel your ****** and ignite my lust
Make me care less.
Press the pastry to my lips
One is never enough
Cram that baked good down my throat
What does it matter it it goes to my hips.
Gluttony has it's benefits.
I cast the green eyed glance
Of who has what I lack
**** your money and your rack
My envy is well intact.
Unless you leave it unattended
No witnesses to reprimand me
Let my fingers flee the scene
As your personal belongings now belong to me
It's easy to default to greed
Whenever I'm stealing.
Who wants to be a saint anyways
I have mirrors to crack
With my prideful rage
I have things to put off that I've planned for days
I have **** to eat when you offer to pay.
Even if you looked at me
You'd think my sins are my redeeming quality
Getting away with self involving
My hands around your cheap jewelry.
It wasn't me to which these crimes are pinned.
It was those blasted seven deadly sins.
I'm innocent and at no fault
I'm only guilty when I get caught.

Now I assume
That you'd presume
That I'm ungrateful
And it's true.
You never want what you already have
And he always had a girl that was sad.
Piece by piece
And step by step
We started to drift and forget
That we were in wedded breath.
Sharing, giving, taking, pleading
Constantly forgiving
We never considered leaving
But no one said anything about
Ignoring.
She's down again
Tell me something new
I'll wait it out
Until she's through.
Crying in a separate room
Inconsolable to say the least
I'd went on a hunt for some release.
He couldn't do it all alone
And I was convinced I was on my own.
Discovering I had a friend who was from my home.
I stayed and talked with him
And found in him what I couldn't find at home.
I admit
I confess
Throws your stones
I'll do the rest
Rip the feelings right out of my chest
Oldest trick in the book when your depressed.
I kept it safe for a couple of years
It helped resolve some unsolvable tears.
If I had someone who knew me all
It would be harder to withdraw.
I kept my friendship to the letter of the law.
Things improved for the most part
Started waking up on time
Rediscovered my art
Going to work
Got healthy again
Went on adventures
Made some more friends.
Getting in the swing of living again.
And then I would come home to see
My special room mate with a game controller in his hand.
Just after the next level
Wait for the boss
Let me try again
I lost
Hours faded and night slowly crept
And I stayed awake as he slept.
Thinking it was just a rut.
I was improving and no longer distraught.
It's not a life but it's a start
He didn't need to change a thing
Because the only one who was stopping us was me.
For better or worse
In sickness and health
Wether we were poor and homeless
Or drowning in wealth.
Go to church again
In search for our moral compass
Left feeling next to nothing
Keep going until we had something.
Part seven
Far from heaven
Let's try this religious thing again.

The real life
The long days
He worked so hard
And never played.
And I would be the whining wife
Accusing him that he stole my life
Appeared in some insolvable fits
He'd walk in and try to fix it
My spirit seemed to never lift.
Held me tight
I pulled away
He tried to bring me back to the present day
Why I wallowed away
In the past.
Forever it would last
I paced the floor to kick it back
While he was trying his damnedest to make me laugh.
Listen to this song
Make some art
What's wrong sweety?
Please don't fall apart.
The comfort that he tried to impart
Was useless as I broke his heart.
He thought that we should leave the country
Pull me out of my past and flee
Little did he see
My past life came with me.
Japanese ground
Different tongue
I tried to keep from acting young.
Held my sound in for too long
Until I was deaf and much too forlorn.
I would watch myself get intense
Like an outer body experience
He prodded himself, at my expense,
To love me without consequence.
If he didn't, it meant he lied
And I could see it again in his eyes
I prepared him for a rocky life
But he was shocked when my prophecy came by.
I tried so hard to apologize
Going up and down and side to side
Inside the confines of my brittle mind.
Open the windows
Let the sun in
Let's go for a walk
Get out of bed.
Maybe a job would to the trick
And it did...for a little bit.
Making light of moody fits
I allowed him to stray a bit.
Naked ladies on the screen
I didn't look like the girl of his dreams
I snooped a bit, I wish I never did
The words said to someone else that I had to quickly forgive.
No worse than that things I've ever done
I'm not one to sit and judge
Let the silence in me run
Far away
Cook a meal
He'd never come
By a skirt
He never saw
Get together
With some of his other sailors
And let them make some fun
Of me.
The crazy one he came to keep
In his home and in his sheets.
It was how it was to be
I felt comfort in negativity
Letting all the creepy crawlies
Make my thoughts forgo the follies
I can hardly victimize
Myself and my despise
I created a life with my own hands
I became a *****
And he a stronger man
For putting up with it.
Never thought that I would miss
The quiet kid in part one
Long before number six.

Pull up
Parking lot
30 minutes early
Feels like a lot.
A/C doesn't work
Smoke up for nerves
Not the wacky tobaccy
That's just absurd.
Job interview
Clan of the waitressing brood
Make me one of you.
I know how to take orders
And bring out your food.
Take the phone out of my hands
Give my some daily plans
Make my unemployment take a stand.
Save my bank account from blanking
It's not much that I'm asking.
Use the waiting game to plan a conversation
Give me a purpose in this great nation
I have plenty of patience
Unruly folks and their aggrivation.
Waiting on fries and I can shake it.
I spend too much time being white bred.
Clearer head with smokey resolve
Grip my hand and don't do it gently now
Let's them know you mean business
Don't show desperation just to be a waitress.
Give a smile
A joke or two
Don't make me wait
To be one of you.

Ps- if you were curious enough to know
I got the job
And soon I'll have money to show

Alice in chains
Rattling themselves in my brain
Nutshell's melody makes a play
One lyric is ingrained
"And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead"
Truer words were never said.
There's no one else I could try to be
Better than the woman that is me.
I may have all these lofty dreams
Wishing to break outside of me
But also I'm bound by Alice's chains
That remind me that I'm not meant to change.
Into you or by someone else's guidelines
They worked their own time
Just to find
The person who fits that rhyme.
I simply must comply
That I'm no better or worse than my crimes.
They made me who I am today
Alone or surrounded by others sway.
Inspired to act out in infamy
Or be an angel blessed with her wings.
Talking love or shouting hate
Staying pure or *******
Throw the punch or keep fists still
It's all depending on my will.
The devil made me do it
I think the quote is full of ****.
If he makes my pulse erupt
And then my voice drink that bitter cup
I might as well not choose at all
Since he's responsible for my personal flaws.
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead.
Truer words were never said.