Lift those lids
Evict those dreams
Sit up straight
Don't let the pillows do the talking
Drink the crack
You need the snap
Of energy to keep you from the collapse
Are your clothes clean?
Are the monsters fed?
Oh how I'm pining for my bed
Clear the fog out of my head
Meet the sun with a smile not dread
7am is a ****** time
To turn my mumbles into rhyme
Time to hit the daily grind
My body says sleep
The sun is screaming in it's shine.
Early to bed
Early to rise
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
Maybe I just stole that line
To get myself back up this time.

It's funny how the numer five
Is almost spelled like the word fight.
You can only guess, that's right
This quiet boy learned all about spite.
As soon as the ring was slipped on
So were the gloves
If you're not fighting
It's not love.
Give me some grief to work us through
I never expected some of the words that came out of you.
Remember the things I told you that you accepted so completely?
Turns out he used them as ammo when I started disagreeing.
I'm always wrong with the words I was speaking.
It's ok
I'll take the blame
After all you're to be my husband someday.
Let's get it all out in the open
You're the bread winner
And I'm just a rebellious woman.
Kiss my cheek and smell it enough
I've been smoking again and again I broke your trust.
Paying for the wedding out of my own pocket
While I pick and choose
You said, "whatever I wanted"
I wanted a civil union
Quick and easy...no family reunion.
Use the rest of my savings for the honeymooning.
Honeymoon phase was all but gone
When I agreed to put that plastic ring on.
You wanted a wedding with the church and the priest
And to witness your mom weep
At seeing her son be passed on to a child as young me.
Barely out of my teens
20 years old isn't a wife to keep.
She told you I was too young to stay
You heard her words and proposed anyways.
Making it known that my habits were causing our soon to be tied knot to fray.
Even though I made it known about who I was on the very first day.
And as a martyr you'd reply
You still saw your future wife
Inside my eyes
Well, ****!
Pull her out and let me see
That girl your speaking of is someone I'd like to meet.
Trying to keep my demon at bay
I gritted my teeth and smiled away.
I figured it'll all be okay
Once I stood at the alter and I do'd my devil away.
In the midst of the wedding planning
I went out some nights to see friends
And driving
Down memory lane.
It felt all but natural to me
The be around the ones who grew up with me.
My musician love, my blast from the past
Kissed me when we visited the past
I let him touch my lips but never kissed back.
The songs we wrote are no longer mine
And to him I sobbed a tearful goodbye.
There was a new love in my life
And when I told you
The truth didn't set me free
It was another bullet I handed to you
So you could get a good shot in at me.
Blind folded and against the wall
Take your shot
I can take it all
I'm a babe, what do I know
I'm just a ******* 20 year old.
Day before our marital bliss
Another came to give me good wishes.
One last joint was his version of giving me away
But then tried to convince me to run away
With him
Still cloudy I rejected
My will was now infected
With pleasing you and your good intentions.
And now at the alter and very high
I told my old self to say goodbye.
No one wanted that part of me anyways
I banished her to hell
And in hell she must stay.
A kiss
A smile
My wedding haze.
Too bad my soberness was miles away.
It snowed that day
Like an omen after part 5
We practically fought everyday.

I remember clearly
The night he ended up proposing
It was late and he was sleeping over
Till his new apartment was getting ready to sign over.
We cuddled and talked
And I decided to walk
Back to my room where my sleeping would start.
My phone buzzed and I looked to see
It was his text asking
"Come back to me"
Down the hallway
Was too far of a journey
And at the end he was down on one knee.
Sleepy resolve in my brain thought he was searching
For something in the dark and he was working
To find it.
Turns how he was looking
For my hand and found my eyes
Then asked if I would spend my life
With him.
How to answer a 3 am inquiry?
Was he really asking me?
If I say no then it could break
The progress I worked so hard to make.
Still in darkness I agreed
Knowing that I couldn't find anyone better for me.
Who else would look at me so lovingly
Promising me to never leave?
That's the problem with suddenly feeling
When you do, you do it negatively.
Pondering extensively about your worth
And the other options in life could be worse
Then being wedded to a man
Who vowed to love and always stand
By my side until the end.
Who I could consider my friend
And not just the nicest guy I've made love with.
My past was sketchy and here was my chance
To erase the roughness of that sketch.
I prayed to make the best of it
But god forgot to listen, I guess.
The things I confess
Isn't out of innocence
It wasn't god that ruined my faith
In a sense
It was me
And I take full responsibility
Of where my fearful actions took me.
So we add libbed an engagement ring
From a local food lion vending machine
I had no use for diamonds or sparkly things
From someone to prove their love to me.
Being loved should be proof enough
All the rest was material stuff.
Once word broke out that I was engaged
I lost some friends that I had from back In the day
The guys who I collected hearts from
Crawled out of the wood work and then begun
To whisper memories of them and I
They sprinkled the magical "what if" dust behind my eyes.
Some I was devistated to leave behind
They were a huge part of my life.
Lose the ring or say goodbye
To everything we brought to light.
The friendship, the comfort, the lengthy nights
Filled with the conversations that got me by.
I found myself alone during that time
My fiancé had me all to himself and he said it was his right.
No one else should catch my eyes
Regardless of those he spoke to
Ex loves of his life.
It seemed fair and I couldn't disagree
That the ones I had love had many times misled me.
Preaching love eternally
Then turning their backs when my heart would bleed.
No one else could possibly love me
Except for this boy who was taking me.
Part 4 is when I gradually declined
From a petchulant child warrior
To a ***** peeing herself behind the firing line.

In regards to this boy I'm introducing
Part 3 to the 6 year rant that I'm logging.
After awhile I began warming
To his quiet affectionate persisting.
I took his hand on rare occasion
Kissed him with some hesitation
Poured my soul for him to see
Until he asked me to meet his family.
I mean, he had met mine
And that was fine
But I had no clue how to find.
That good impression I had long left behind
It's buried deep in my careless mind.
His mother and father kept up with their time
His sister, like him, was very shy.
I tried to dress like I had my life
Under control and tried to pass off the lie.
It seemed strange to me
That this boy I claimed to be loathing
Was slowly creeping inside and splitting
My delicate chaos so orderly.
He comforted me in what I thought was my prime
When I saw my gang wise counterpart die.
He knew my siblings with a smile and said
Wouldn't it be great if our families converged?
I took it with a grain of salt
Because I thought his convictions would slow with a grinding halt.
Taking every secret I parted with
Inside himself and pulled strength from it.
Thinking I was meant for him
If I changed my ways...and for him I did.
I found it within myself
To leave that life I vowed never to live without.
To kick the habits and the foul mouth
And try to commit to god and be devout.
Went to church
Said my grace
Greeted my trials with a smiling face.
Took my chances just to see
Who god intended me to be.
I had faith and started to dream
I had hope
Silly me
As soon as I latched onto to praying scene
That's when his resolve started slipping.
And all if it was thanks to me.
I was rubbing off on him while he was rubbing off on me.
Boys will be boys
With the girls that they chase
While my thoughts turned pure
His turned less chaste.
I could see it in his face
Every time we were alone at his place.
We were only human
And I knew all too well
That little by little
Our integrity fell.
What we were waiting for after our wedding vows
Turned into how many times could we get away with it now.
The honest woman I had hoped to be
Remained as a girl living secretly.
And the guilt inside was eating me
That the values he had, by my hand, slipped into nothing.
I tried many time to break it off
Because his values weren't worth swapping for my touch.
I started reverting back to what I had felt
Nothing
Which, for me, was the easiest ways for things to be dealt.
I grabbed that hope much too quick
To think it would last without working for it.
At least I'm self aware enough to admit
That I turned my husband to the dark side where it was nothing but ****.

I apologize in advance
If the things I write vary from rage to lax.
I not a writer of stories or lies
The only story I know is the one that lives behind my eyes.
I'm a lover of fictional lives
The books I read are unlike mine.
I tried
To write a falsehood once
With a pencil and paper
Is was a bust.
The more of the character I wrote
Was a jaded youth
A story much like my own.
I decided to cut the middle ground
I wrote about myself.
It's not pretty in the least
Bits of clouds covered in my words
Sarcastically.
I loved
I lost
I watch my prose turn to rust.
I was foolish enough to trust
Those who used my words for a gram of kush.
Therapy is expensive
And so are the meds
My memories are too cheap
To sell out of my head.
Hello poetry is free
And I don't need to look at your eyes while you're judging.
I'm not a martyr
I'm hands are covered in red
I'd rather be the offender
Than to ever be a victim again.
I try to be as nice as I can
To cover up my cynical hatred.
I try to speak my truth out loud
And it's piled up to a little amount.
I stumbled
I stuttered
My emotion became a safety shroud
Of always knowing that you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Ignorance is bliss
And I love being hard to miss
Fit in the crowd
Of a faceless pit.
My whining doesn't mean ****
But just as long as I get rid of it.
Sure the views are great
And I can allow people to relate
Oh, I'm trending?
Your approval isn't really something that is pending
In my mind.
It's appreciated
But it's not the reason why I live.
I'm sure most of you have less than two ***** to give.
But thanks for letting me vent all the same.
I'm one of many that goes to show
If you can't write lies
Then just write what you know.

Sabotaging double dates
My sister and boyfriend had to sedate
My annoyed attempts to avoid
Him in that theatre as he employed
To the position of pining boy.
Hold my hand?
Not a chance
I had others around for my romance
Others I could pick and choose
In this game of catch and lose.
I had no need of his bleeding heart
Don't  look at me in the dark.
The cinema isn't my idea to spark
Such feelings of affection to impart.
Drive back home, crowded car
You sat too close and I wished for the door to ajar
Tuck and roll
Anything to leave this troll.
Dropped them off to their abode
He wanted a hug and I said no.
High five my hand or nothing at all
I could see his expectations fall
I didn't even care at all.
After that it always seemed
He showed up everywhere that was close to me.
Church, my work and other things
Couldn't make this boy detach from me.
Followed me around like a lost puppy.
I thought I was the chick and I was supposed to be needy.
On the side I would thrive
Inside my own destructive life
Always a knife on my person
Taking cash, smoke up and blur my vision.
Giving no one my permission
They're all just *****
Following my intuition
3 missed calls from his good mission
To slay those dragons
To save me from my prison.
I didn't want to be saved
I was that dragon he searched to slay.
Stop calling me everyday
I have drugs to sell
And habits to pay.
Wake up and read his texts with rage
You don't exist for me today.
You don't understand I'm trying to spare you
Of all the things my hands could do to you.
Nice guy like you
Shouldn't be with me alone
I could **** you.
In more ways than one
I might not win battles
But wars, I've won some.
Play of wills
You won't hit back
Think you can change me?
Well take a crack.
Warning you that I cheat and steal
I'll make you love me for the thrill.
You can't make me feel against my will.
Check your wallet
I stole your till.
Part two of what you see
Is how my husband
Coveted me.

There was a time I thought you to be dangerous
6 years ago
Too nice
Too shy
Too right
And I
Couldn't be more far from you..
My hands across those ivory keys
And then you found me musically
Appealing.
I didn't know you were watching me.
Your best friend,
Dating my sister then,
Turns out you confided in him
Trying to find a way to me
And I still didn't know your name.
We met, of course
You wouldn't speak to me
And I would not give in easily
If your words couldn't come out and say
Then I had no problem walking away.
You got the courage on your birthday
To ask of I could possibly go on a date.
I said no and to stay away
I have enough friends
And your not molded out of the same clay
As they.
That's alright
He stopped by at my craft store and he smiled
I'll just be a little while
If you're not working for eternity
Maybe you could find some time for me.
And I was offended obviously
That he wanted a piece of my company.
Nice guys finished last
And he was unaware that he wasn't in the running.
Was there possibly a way that I
Could keep myself out of his light?
I'm made for dank and darker places
Angry boys with scowling faces.
I could eat his good intentions up
I could make his tears full cups.
I would be as blunt as hell
To get him off my smell.
And I might as well
Turn his hello into a fare thee well.
But then I let his mouth make sounds
He spoke to me
He stuck around
And it wasn't that I deliberately
Enjoyed his company.
He saw a glimmer inside of me
And that made me want to set it aflame completely.
His kindness killing me.
Well, I have hatred up my sleeve
And it's always worked effectively.
But then it backfired on me
****, I found out that he was funny.
In the sense he wasn't trying to be.
Best described as innocent and dorky.
Don't laugh at his jokes
Don't smile at him
Don't let him know
That you're human.
Guys like him are drawn to that.
Rough around the edges but in fact
There's a heart of gold in there.
He's an archeologist
And I an ancient lair.
Pulling and digging and finding and thinking
That it's a grand discovery
You're not so bad
But that's not me.
What you think are diamonds
Is just the dust reflecting
Off of something it's simply mimicking.
Step one of how I'm now confessing
How I met the man I happened to marry.