Smoking kills
But it looks so cool.
Fashion means letting
The tar to pool.
Drinking makes the mind go numb
So who cares if my words
Are slurred and dumb.
Come on
Just a little fun.
Getting high
Make me fly.
Just hit me once and say goodbye.
I can stop whenever I choose.
So give me a lighter and let me lose.
Start off slow
Feel my body rise.
Addictions hold no real surprise.
They think it's hott
When a girl can fry
To a needle or snort or puffing prize.
You don't want to know my mind.
The wonderland
The ****** skies.
The memory of bloodshot eyes.
Just let me out of my skin tonight.
The scars you see are accidental.
Accidentally feeling with sharpened metal.
Drag it down so I don't get mental.
You don't want me sentimental.
I can fight for no good reason.
The blood tends to boil
With the humidity of the season.
Hit me back and get in personal.
I can take the skin covered bone
I'm versatile.
I ran with the gun wielding people.
Earn some respect and still get riddled.
They love a chick with hard forged metal.
As long as I'm not hurting you
I get away with ****** and die a couple times too.
I can stop whenever I choose
So light me up those cancerous fumes
And let me choose.
Come on
Just a little fun
It's not hurting you...

It takes a minute to hear your voice.
To place a dream and waking willingly apart.
I turn and search for a rectangle device
That's been left burning all night.
"Wake up baby"
Electric sounds.
I turn and curve at his gravitational sound.
Lift it in my hands to see
My waking love
Waking me.
I should worry about radiation
That's pouring into me.
But he's worth the worry
Just to see.
"Tell me all about your dreams"
Still foggy I comply
And let the poison drip out of me.
He moves from room to room
And he carries me.
While I lay in bed and follow.
"How many eggs? 4 or 6?"
And I make a choice for his nutrients.
5 isn't right cause it's uneven.
46 is way too much.
I choose a moment and smile at him
While he stirs the contents of his cup.
A glance from clocks to me
Debating on wether he should leave.
"Don't be late or stay with me?"
But staying means more radiology.
I fall in step with his morning routine
Without ever moving from my waking scene.
I kiss the screen and he kissed me
Voicing love so lovingly.
Reconnecting every morning.
I'm sure it easy when he's snoring
To let the device burn all till morning.
I fell asleep with his face in my hand
Though, I could not touch and I could not grab.
"I call you when I'm driving back. I'll see you later on tonight. I love you, sweety. Have a good day"
And then we wave and press a red button to start our usual days.
And never moving once,
The pillows I bury my face in go flat.
I dare not fall back to sleep.
Because on my device he might message back.

I'm sorry my music is much too loud.
It drowns out the voices that pulls me apart.
I'm sorry my clothes are too baggy, tight or displeasing to the eye.
It's all I'm allowed to get out of the crowd.
I'm sorry my language is abrasive and blunt
And perhaps not too kind and respectful as it should be.
I had to defend myself since birth and raised my voice to be heard.
I'm sorry my motivation is shot to hell
And it appears that I don't even try.
The opportunities I searched for have all been shot down.
I'm sorry the person I am doesn't fall into your generation scheme.
I have problems falling into place with my own.
I'm sorry my views of god, politics and people are askew.
I assumed then didn't notice me when their hand was absent in my life.
I'm sorry that I failed your expectations of how I would turn out.
I'm sure the expectations you persevered
Required a lot of hard work that was followed by success and acceptance by all.
I'm sorry that you're so tired to see
The kind of person I could be.
I'm sorry that you push me aside in youth
Because you didn't want to take the time to teach me.
I'm sorry if your plans of your future
Are just as dissapointing as mine.
Is wasn't my intent to deprave you this show.
I'm sorry...but I expected more from the generation that raised me.
I'm sorry you created misguided youth and then punished them for following suit.
And once I am done apologizing
And wasting my years on reckless escapes
I'm sure I'll come down to your point of view
And neglect and forget who I'm meant love and protect.
I don't expect to be catered to when I'm older and exhausted
By those I shoot a disdaining eye.
I might have encouraged them to offend me so
But, knowing that, at least I won't be surprised.

Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Sit back down
****...
Pull the covers back on
****.
Check the web
Fine
Hear some tunes
Alright
Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Empty bowels
Check
Sit in the shower
Oh no
Fall asleep
****
Freezing and wet
Awake
Force myself to shake
Awake
Get dressed and contemplate
Check
Invent a list for the day
Check
Sit on couch
****
Netflix has a new show season
Just a couple to start the day
****
Pull the covers back on
****
Eat something
Check
Walk a dog or look in the mailbox
Move
******* move
Too bored to think
Too lazy to speak
Too drained to creep
A zombie trapped in this house for weeks

So you want to **** me?
Does my consent only require me to be paralyzed?
So high off the ground and out of my mind
I'm sure I'm asking for it anyways.
So you think I'm helpless?
As an eleven year old it's easy to dismiss.
The struggle only make your muscles tense
And tightens the thirst that I do not want to quench.
So you want my virginity?
Well Sir, get in line.
What you think is there is already lost
And my innocence is on a replaying loop.
It stops when you take it from me.
Starts again when you're done.
So you're too inebriated and stumbling
To be accountable for what you want?
You're shocked when I assume the position
And simply give up a ****.
You think it keeps me up at night?
You think I waste a thought on who goes in and out?
You think I waver at every touch
Assuming it's the first I've felt?
You want it to be special?
You want it to be pure?
You want me to feel some pleasure
Aligned with ******* for your thrill?
You want me to be dizzy?
You want me to be lost?
I've made my bed and you've thrown me down
Upon the screeching springs.
In theory I play the *****
The freak in the sheets that everyone adores.
You take me once and then you want more.
Well have it all for all I care.
Between my legs or in the air.
Against the wall or in a chair.
Boy, I'd ******* anywhere.
As long as there's a focal point
To direct my glass like stare.
I'll take your mind to a thrilling place
But don't expect me to be there.
I'm the one girls whisper about.
The glory **** in which they clench their teeth.
The ***** with absolutely no back door shyness,
The girl that your man wanks off to before he sleeps.
Most would take pride in this.
Most would wear it with a grin.
Most wouldn't even give a ****
Just before they're about to give in.
As for me, I simply tolerate.
Everyone is a predator.
Their intentions can always wait,
Till they pounce and tear and fornicate.
Not all of them walk away.
Not all of them always stay.
Not a simple word to say
After they've achieved their fantasy lay.
So come at me with what you think I crave.
Force me down and spread my legs.
The little girl in my head is away
As I assume she won't ever return this way.
So you want to **** me?
Well, tell me something new.
It's not something to be taken as offense
But I've ****** myself over enough
To enjoy that ******* truth.

The things I choose not to convey
Unless the tune is right and the ear buds are positioned.
The sound bounces off the walls of my skull
And I take it with super sonic delight.
I rage and I swoon and I mourn to the beat
To last out a thought I never wish to be complete.
It stifles the screams I lock behind my wide spread grin
And make the grip of my hands release.
If I can create the music on my own
I could share or hide with subconscious intentions.
So if I press the notes of a melody to your face
And insist that it portrays certain passages that I've yet to explain,
Please don't look at me with intolerant obligation
Simply because it doesn't suit your taste.
Take it with stride.
Take it with an open mind.
My insight is clearer with the words of others
Who are brave enough to conjour their lips to move.
To let their tongue loosen and flip the bird
At those who are scornful enough to correct their prose.
In my head is music
And my mouth in constant motion to it's sway.
It breaks my my heart in silence
When that music refuses to play.

I've always liked the concept of pictures.
Moments captured and frozen like holding your breath during a kiss
Or during a scary part in the movies.
Forever young and forever motionless in a memory.
Proof that I was here once.
That I lived a life that was only my own.
Some pictures we rip up or burn away,
As if to destroy any evidence that certain memories happened.
Some pictures we only keep in our minds simply because we didn't think to bring a camera at that moment.
Pictures we hide and conceal
Only to bring out while no one is looking.
The silence of conversations being played back in my mind...
The closeness of friends or the heartbreak of loneliness.
Reminding ourselves of the times our hearts skipped beats or our eyes were filled with the heat of tears.
The pictures we keep to remind us of choices that were made that can never be undone.
We live to create memories...
We live to exist...
We live to leave ourselves behind.
Wether there's a heaven, a hell, or nothing...
Our pictures we keep in our own company or as heirlooms to those we love,
Those are the identities we wish to fade away with.
I buzz in anticipation of the pictures I'd take each day.
The selfies or accidental camera flashes that last only a day or forever.
Embracing the idea that a stranger will see my face and wonder who the person is behind it.
As I do with many others.
My still frame life is documented in silence but can be looked through at anytime of my choosing.
I'm only as mortal as my memories.
My images will fracture and spread when I am long gone.
And I'm fine with that.