He said that we have loved before...
Their faces and laughter is like a life dead and buried.
Each time we open the cellar door to our hearts,
We create a life with them.
Each first kiss, a birth.
Each tearful goodbye, a death.
We rejoice and mourn these lives we nurture.
And though I am no stranger to these random pulses of affectionate existences,
I pray this one will be immortal.
He knows and accepts that our hearts stop beating
And one day our hearts will awaken in time lock with another.
The tragedy of feeling in it's own sweetness
Has willed me to prolong this particular life into immortality.
And if forever ends abruptly,
No amount of courage or unconditional acceptance stay,
I'm content with dying and never waking,
Just to die with his love still in my veins.
When I awoke to his love, I awoke to my own.
The crunching of thoughts and second guessing still lingering from my previous life.
And the fear of love being lost by love
Is what seals the death I know is awaiting.
My heart still beats and it should be enough,
That I've tasted this vision with my own tongue.
Still, the greed of my emotions is never ceasing.
More time and moments to add on would still never be enough.
To be born again to loving you, is unlike any dream I've conjured.
It's not just being loved by the way you do, but knowing I'm capable of loving you too.

I pride myself by my addictions.
The deaths I should have had would make me immortal by default.
And still, I breathe and scoff at it's lagging effects.
You can't have me.
I lay awake alone and thoughtful,
I answer your call at a moments notice.
I leave you be whenever you're done and continue to indulge my thoughts,
You can't have me.
I mark myself as a timeline is marked with lines and events.
My scars could tell a story that I would only know the punchline to.
I color my skin with fantasy and ink to hide the other uglies I make,
You can't have my stories...they're mine.
If I were to smile upon greeting then I would have already lied to you.
If I were to kiss you then you would have fallen.
I pride myself by my addictions and you cannot be one of them.
You can't have my love.
I'll give you a laugh and company without expectations of it being returned.
I'll give you my time and a kind deed or two.
I'll give you a friendship and a wall to hide behind.
Just be warned, you'll want more
And I will not oblidge.
You cannot want me because I don't want you.
Or anything.
I will not take your sympathy or your truth.
I will not take your heart or your push.
I will take your body and your smell
But ******* was never love
And shame on you for not knowing the difference.
I can take your ****** but You can't have my trust.
Now you turn to me with inclinations that I have misled you.
The hurt on your face leaves me annoyed and impatient.
The effects of my drug and my addtictions take hold
And I leave you talking to a corpse that has no use for words.
The dead are silent and patient and will never talk back.
They always wait their turn and never take it.
They limply create a warm illusion
But they're colder and colder with each toss of sound.
You cannot make me warm...the others guys took it from me long before you.
So let it take me back into the ground.
Leave me buried and I'll leave you alive.
A fair trade in my book.
The moment you try to be my savior
Will be the moment I will become your destroyer.
You cannot have my soul, it was mine to lose in the first place.

To tell you honestly
I lie.
It's easy to do infront of believing eyes.
Those who dont care enough to search for the truth in mine.
Especially to those who have caught me inside of a lie.
A drink and a buzz can get me telling stories that never seen the light of day
And even I would believe that they had happened.
Sometimes it doesn't even matter if my tales are true or false
As long as there are other uses for my mouth and my tounge.
I could be faceless to you.
I tell lies to myself.
I have no problem with it most times
Because I know that they'll be true with time.
And I never get mad at those who lie to me...
Everyone has perceptions of the truth
And for all I know you could be telling it.
Innocent till proven guilty.
Blameless till caught red handed.
Chaste till heard *******.
I mark my lies with a smile and a hint of wit
And brand it with a solid stare.
I've tasted tears and sweat and blood
From your mouth.
Though your lips were upturned with a simple smirk
Thinking that I would never know.
I'm not the detective sort.
I have enough secrets of my own to be bothered with your load.
I'm not intimidated by the truth either.
Most liars can weave facts into their breath
And draw it out without losing air
They inhale and I wait.
They exhale and I believe.
Cause you might be able to tell me something I don't know
And knowing you, I wouldn't know either way.

I don't know enough about God
To say that I believe in him.
I don't believe in perfection.
I don't believe in nothing either.
I've heard he's there when I need him most.
I've heard he hears my thoughts and prayers.
I've heard that he watches for my best interest
When I'm fully unaware.
I'm not questioning his existance
Cause I've never seen the guy.
I've never seen my great great great great cousin either...
But I've heard that he was here.
I don't know God's favorite color.
I don't know what makes him laugh.
I've never seen him sad or stuck inside a room by himself.
I've never had a drunken conversation with him
Even though at times I thought I had.
I know he has many books about him
And through words and rationalization
I try to keep myself well informed.
Though, I've never seen his name as the author
Or co-signer of the words...
So his history is fractured as far as the facts about him.
I know he's a family man.
I've heard he cares about his kids.
He lets them do whatever they want
Regardless of wether or not they listen to him.
I heard he used to be angry
But now he's just really quiet lately.
Yet I have no idea when he's spoken for himself most recently.
I've tried to blame him for stuff I've done
Cause those times I couldn't take the blame.
I never blame him for my happiness
Or the moments where I'm calm.
Cause if I truly believed, then I'm sure he'd be responsible for those parts too.
I can't say that I hate him.
Or resent him for being so absent from my sight.
He's a pretty busy guy, from what I've heard.
Same could go for myself, I guess.
I don't really believe in me either.
I make choices that I don't much like.
And I dislike the place where they've led me.
I've never trusted myself with honest things
Cause they intrude on the lies that I tell.
I don't have a set of divine morals
Cause if I did, I'd break them for my bad habits anyways.
I think too little and too much
To pinpoint a belief I could **** and die for...
In all honesty I don't want to **** or die at all.
Still, I like the idea that I don't matter
Though, I'm in no way humble.
I don't believe in forgivness
Cause no one ever really forgets.
I don't believe in science
Cause facts don't prove everything.
I kinda wish I knew him.
See if he's a music lover or a fan of different kinds of cheese.
I wonder if I could prank him and stand behind a wall to scare him into laughter.
I wonder if I knew him, if it would be easier to trust him.
Cause trust is another word for faith...
And I lack it in my arsenal of dreams and open minded thoughts.
And if I meet him at some point in time,
I hope he at least has a sense of humor.
Cause at the end of it all, one way or another,
I think the joke would be on me.

This is the moment where I try to will myself to sleep.
The moment where we all know that will and basic reality create the opposite effect.
My thoughts are suspended into space...
Into an underwater impulse.
The whole world muted and crawling.
I find myself erasing and creating the person I've fashioned into,
Up until this point anyways.
I'm a closet full of personas...a wardrobe of ****** expressions
And nuances that are mine and mine alone.
Some I hate and some I can't afford to throw by the wayside.
No one becomes the person that they are simply by self affirmation.
I've stolen many of my horrors and my joys from others
And I'm sure a few of my personal affects are missing as well.
Moments of time and emotion so small that I wouldn't have noticed them missing anyways.
They're free to take regardless.
I give love and hatred just as freely as you might.
I clash into others and mimic the lives that could be theirs....
But I doubt they are.
Those who are sleeping, I applaud you.
Those who are hardly self aware and let the minutes slip them by
As if they have plenty to spare.
I however will remain awake.
Thinking of you, though I've never met you or seen your face.
Chances are I could be you, and you me.
We could be distorted reflections of each other
And the thrill of it that keeps me awake at nights
Is never knowing you but knowing that you're there.
So sweet dreams when they finally find you.

I'm isolated, suffocated

I can't see straight cause I'm asphyxiated.

Gasping with nothing but space and air

Who thought a surplus of something would leave you dying here.

I stand. I collapse.

I'm begging for any kind of relapse.

I need a pulse a grain of life

Because monotone affection won't suffice.

I clench and grit to voices I've heard.

They're telling me a sercret to a cure.

Not that I'm sick, I suffer from health,

Not that I'm poor, I'm drowning in wealth.

I'm loved but subistitued with nothing that lives.

I'm adored but replaced with nothing that gives.

So what gives?

It took three hits to pull you off.

It took even more to fall from the top.

I'm craving a hit, I'm itching for haze.

I've been fantisizing a joint in my hand for days.

I don't want to be hostile, I'm trying to be chill

But with the large amount of air I've finally had my fill.

I want to cough and hack and fill the burn

And maybe after I'm gone I won't feel the need to return.

I see your face and I've thought on our time

And right now I'd rather be harsh than to always be kind.

You'll throw it down but I'll pick it up

You'll throw the punch but I'll take the touch.

You're the kind of boy who needs to do what he's told

You're not a man when you're acting 5 years old.

She said you can't talk and she said you can't speak

I don't think you're respecting her but I think you're just weak.

And when you're done with her you'll just find another.

You don't want an equal partner you just want a mother.

And you're grabbing your sack as if you have something to show

Well, I've been there and done that and you still have to go.

Your name is a joke

You're made to choke.

The man card that you have in your pocket has been revoked.

And you're standing all tall like you have something to say

I dare you to tell me something I haven't heard anyways.

Trying to treat me like I'm the one who got away

Telling me that what's-her-name doesn't have what I take.

And boy I took it from you

You gave me the "what to do",

I've seen you cry and moan and bleed like they were mistreating you.

And I'll admit and take blame that I kept taking you back,

Cause back then it was me who didin't have the ***** that you lacked.

Finding excuses

And allowing misuses.

Trying to repair the leak from your loose lips.

Cause you have it bad like I had it good.

Living in style but acting like you're from the hood.

Trying so hard to just live it down.

Well you got what you wanted cause that girl rode you to the ground.

And now I'm up river and a couple of oceans from your mess

And I'm still watching you call out like a spoiled kid in distress.

Acting all tough like you've seen the other side of life

Throwing out curses like you're suffered so much strife.

Thinking that it's everyone else you have to fight,

But the joke's on you cause you're the only one who proved everyone right.

And I'm tired of this talk, as if you found the light,

Well that's my tail lights you see leaving you, out of sight.

And I'm probably sour cause I made a choice

But now it's left me nothing as much as a voice.

And I'll probably sit all resentful with greed,

But it always makes me laugh that you're doing just the same as me.

Just kidding.

It always catches me off gaurd whenever he moved hair from my face. Like static eletricity. A sudden shock then numb. I excel at not noticing though. If I take it too seriously then it'll be forever until I get him this close again. I hate that. If I ever saw it coming then I would have the sense to move out of the way of his hand. I would mindlessly move the wisp behind my ear, then call it a day. Nothing to see here. Move along. The worse is over so go back to your homes and forget everything. Yeah right.

Thump

There would be mornings when I practiced what I would say to him. It would be quick and deep. He wouldn't know what hit him. I would never bring up anything that happened a week ago. Hell, even one night ago. As soon as the daylight hit us, we were to act like strangers with goldfish memories. Slightly grazing whenever we swam near each other. Barely touching. I'd mimic over and over again the words that I would have said. And then I would see him...****, what was I going to say?

Thump

Music doesn't help either. Whenever you're going insane over someone it's like the force of nature knows. So everything that has a remote form of sound has to remind you of him in one way or another. I have to keep the radio off whenever I go driving or else I think too much. I get sentimental. If he knew that then it would just get worse. I think guys like it better when you act like you haven't thought about them all day. Then they don't feel responsible about letting you down in the end because they haven't thought about you unless you're right in front of them sometimes. That's alright though, it gives me a reason to keep busy. His favorite song is going off...why was I so stupid to put it as his ringtone?

Thump

It's me and him. Finally. Just driving. All I needed was five minutes notice before he came around to my house and I was ready. I made it point to never sleep at night, just in case. Our memories came back. Everything is just fine. He's perfect. And so am I. Nothing else matters except the road. Now I can breathe for one more week. I think that over and over again as I inhale another drag of the cigarette that we're sharing. I wouldn't call it love. Hell, I can't even call it friendship. I don't want any of those complications to get in it again. I excel at not noticing. I excel at letting things go. I can count how many times I let him go when he wanted to go. If he's happy and doesn't hate me then when he's done with whoever...I'll still be there. Open door policies are great. I'm playing hard to get and easy to lose all at the same time...

Thump

The sunlight came back. And it's taken over for a few weeks. I wish the stupid sun would super nova already. I'm pretty sure if that happened then that would be a good enough to talk to me about. "Did you see that????"
Not everyone gets what they want. It's easy to think that when you have nothing. It's easier to know it when you know you don't stand a chance at getting it. I excel at not noticing. I'm a freeze frame just for you. I'll stay where we left off and whenever you say so I'll move again. I'll be your best friend forever. And all I'll ever want is your happiness cause I'm greedy like that. Yet, one day, I know I'll move your hand when you come close to my face again. Sometimes static electricity loses it's shock and I can't afford to be numb just for you. For now, though...I'll pretend I don't notice.

Thump